Congress Party has decided to release another hot and sexy photo of Rahul Gandhi, clicked while he was on the visit of Uttarakhand.

"This time he would be in clean white kurta and paijama with his trademark brown chappals," said Congress spokesperson Ambika Soni.

She said "Rahul looks cutie pie in the get up with well built muscles that he developed in one of the destroyed gyms in Rudra Prayag."

Fulfilling the urge of women voters of India, recently Congress Party decided that a series of good looking photos of Rahul Gandhi to release carrying various activities in different locations.

"We are going to make a beautiful album of photos of Rahul Gandhi's Uttarakhand visit in a golden frame and would put to into a contest. A lucky woman will win that," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Ambika Soni informed reporters that Rahul gave different interesting poses during his visit making a proper serious face and showing his concerns over disaster.

"Those were natural expressions and not like some 'Rambo' putting a poker face and acting like a drama actor," said Soni.

Keeping in mind the rising need of health conscious Indians, chain of fast food restaurants McDonald's (McD) has launched slim Mc Waf-o-Thin burger first time in the country. The burger will have wafer thin potato/chicken chip put inside the bread.

"Mc Waf-o-Thin burger will be available in two variants one veg and other will be chicken. The product will be made keeping in mind the aspiring Indians with immensely calorie conscious," said India head of McD, Smita Jatia.

She said "The new burger will have wafer thin patty put inside the bread with fragrances of cheese and butter. Customers can spray smells of tomato ketchup and chili sauce at the counters whenever they require."

Recently, McD has started cutting down the size of burger and quantity of cheese. While it was widely believed that the cut in the size was just to cut the cost and somehow increase the prices, McDonald's said that the decision was to restore the health of Indians.

"We don't want to make them obese by adding extra calories to our products. There was no such thing that we wanted to cut the costs," said Jatia.

Mc Waf-o-Thin veg variant will be priced at Rs149 while chicken will be cost at Rs169.

Jatia said "We have selected best quality of potato chips and added exclusive McD spices. In our non veg burger, chicken will herself become shy watching the slimness of her meat."

Jatia informed the India Satire correspondent that the specially designed product will have all the nutrients with very minimal calories.

"While maida flour bread will stop wasting time in bathroom, wafer thin burger and fragrances of cheese and butter will have zero calories," said Jatia.

After getting Rs 61 million aid from Pakistan for his outfit Jamaat-Ud-Dawah, Lashkar-e-Toiba founder and 2008 Mumbai attacks mastermind Hafiz Mohammad Saeed demanded lakhs of gay porn movies to improve sentiments of Jihadi terrorists, as reported by Pakistan leading daily 'Dawn'.

"Porn is required. Otherwise how would they get motivated to do nasty thing like killing innocent people. I want at least 7 lakh more porn movies to give a heavy dosage to all my bachchas so that they can fire power against Kaafir India," said Hafiz Saeed in an exclusive interview with the correspondent of Dawn.

Saeed confirmed that the porn movies should be in gay form rather than hardcore porn.

"I don't like straight sex. I like watching gay movies. My boys also become nastier with me on bed and perform like real terrorists whenever they watch these movies," said shy Saeed to Dawn reporter. He said that while most of the money would be spent on buying western porn not all the money he can put porn movies.

"We have to keep few bucks in our pocket for some urgency purposes like buying vegetables," said Saeed. 

A substantial rise was witnessed in the IQ levels of audience that watched Raanjhanaa over the weekend, according to a special report by Bollywood Hungama. The report also said that the observed rise in the IQ levels was among intelligent and elite class while dumb masses saw drastic fall in their IQ.

"It is very intelligent movie and that we wanted to put on paper whether it really helps improve the intelligence of people," said Taran Adarsh, of Bollywood Hungama. According to Adarsh, IQ levels of classes increased by average 20% while masses which generally don't have intellect saw negative IQ.

The report said that small detailing like a five year kid falls in love shows a real essence of life.

"Wow that was wonderful. A 5 year old kid (estimated based on looks and body type of the kid) actually falls in love, how original it was! Even a Hollywood director would not be able to think in that way," said Sachin Awasthi, a movie watcher who only watches movies of intelligent directors like Maniratnam, Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Vishal Bharadwaj.

Awasthi said "Last time I saw such an original film was Matru Ki Bijlee Ka Mandola. It also had some original scenes like heroine bathing in river with different type of clothes rather than typical Ramsay kind Ghagra and Ch0li."

Another observation such as easy availability of CM's chair and a roadside political club makes CM vulnerable has actual social impact.

Another film critic and serial lover of brain storming movies, Pappu Oberoi said "That was truly amazing idea. I complete my college and join politics and within few years become Chief Minister. It really provides impetus for social reforms. Wow! Congress Party should learn from this on promoting young leaders to bigger posts. They have still not announced name of Rahul Gandhi as PM. I believe this movie is an eye opener for Congress. First, it doesn't require minimum IQ to become politician or even CM and second even a chaiwala can make CM vulnerable for her seat. That was the originality of the idea. I think now Rahul should be projected as PM of India."

Pappu also said that people like the original idea of cutting wrist and then making the girl friend fall in his love. However, he also told that masses could not link the entire thing to rest of the movie while intelligent public understood crux behind the event.

Taran Adarsh said that it is not like only IQ is improved but to watch such epic requires tons of intelligence and brain.

He said "Dumb masses would never understand such a kind of master piece. I know for Raanjhanaa the result is similar like another epic of the year Matru ki Bijlee ka Mandola."

Confirming Bollywood Hungama's claim, Pappu Pandey representing masses in India said "I am pissed off. WTF this movie was. I couldn't understand anything and now I am feeling like admitting to Agra Mental Hospital."

Inspired by Superman flick 'Man of Steel' which he recently saw in Spanish holidays during his birthday, Rahul Gandhi decided to fly high in the sky and carry all rest of the survivors on his body.

"Rahul has already taken the list of survivors and their addresses. He will personally carry them on his back and shoulders and properly drop them to their homes," said Minister of State Broadcasting and Communication and part time spokesperson of Congress, Manish Tewari confirming that Rahul has super natural powers of flying and rescuing people from natural calamities.

Tewari told reporters that Rahul will take help of his unused power of flying and carrying loads of tons of weight on his shoulder.

"He has ability of people like Superman and Hanuman to carry many people on his shoulder and fly high in the skies," said Tewari.

Tewari recently refused to buy claims of Narendra Modi for making political noise on rescuing 15000 Gujaratis. He said that Rahul will not make such noise in the press and rather believes in direct action. Tewari also thrashed Media's acknowledgement of the micro management skills of Modi on rescuing efforts.

"We don't like to politicize what we do for people of India. Rahul himself is against of all these things. But still I want to tell you that yesterday when Baba arrived from Spain hold a meeting with all of us till 2 am. He told us that the way to carry people needs to be properly done. He said that 20% of people would rest on his shoulders and hands to keep the weight on his fans low. 30% on middle of his back and rest 50% on his back so that they all would seat comfortably and enjoy a free ride in the air. This is what the micro management is and not what the people like Modi is tom-tomming these days," said Tewari.

Indian Government has granted foreign researchers permission to conduct study on structure of calamity proof houses of Indian politicians and big shots, starting from Uttarakhand Chief Minister Vijay Bahuguna.

"India is a very safe country for politicians. No casualty of any politician or minister in natural or manmade calamities has been recorded till date and that is an enviable record," said official of home ministry Pankaj Saxena.

He said "We received many requests from foreigners who wanted to study the structure of houses of politicians and how they are made calamity proof so that they can use the idea to build residences at their own countries."

Saxena said "Look at Uttarakhand CM Vijay Bahuguna and his colleagues, all are safe despite the entire Uttarakhand was vanished due to flood. It really amazed foreigners and they wanted to include Bahuguna in their case study."

Recently, Uttarakhand saw a severe flood havoc of mass casualties and huge loss to wealth and lives.

"I feel that it is really a pride for every Indian that the country despite so much of natural calamities and terrorist attacks could easily preserve its biggest asset, its politician and that has been recorded by foreigners today. I am really pleased that they chose me to write a case study. I assure them of all the help to create safest and best houses for their countries," said Uttarakhand CM Bahuguna.

A study of Indian Government reveals that it requires at least 5 times improvement in scams and corruption to suck excess liquidity of the rupee and help it to appreciate against dollar.

"We encourage maximum number of bureaucrats and ministers to increase scams and corruption so that Rupee slide will stop. India requires improving black money statistics such as black money man ratio and scams to minister ratio to suck the excess liquidity of Rupee from the economy," said India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal.

Sibal told India Satire correspondent that the situation was worsening as the dollar is flowing out of the economy while rupee is getting released into system putting pressure on the currency.

"Government is planning to liberalize norms for putting black money in the Swiss banks so that exodus of excess money will be easily possible. We have also prepared new draft black money privacy policies to help scamsters easily take away money from the system," said Sibal.

A study conducted by the government with the help of independent research agency reveals that if corruption increases by at least five times and that money put in the Swiss banks, the Rupee will appreciate by 5% helping the economy to recover fast.

"According to simple economic theory if you reduce the supply of commodity from the market, price of that commodity appreciates," said the study manager Neeraj Kumar.

Adding to new measures to improve the black money situation in India, Kapil Sibal said "Government is also thinking of measures like FDI in corruption and scams, which are most luring areas for the foreign investors."

People of West Bengal finally decided to refuse voting to Trinamool Congress Party (TMC) in next elections to help Mamata Banerjee becoming Chief Minister of the state again. The decision came after Mamata told that along with a media house, Congress Party, Marxists and Maoists are planning to kill her.

"We don't want to lose the most dedicated and best leader of our state," said Kolkata resident Aniruddha Chatterjee. He said "She is so sweet and innocent, a real selfless creature. How can we lose her life by putting her on CM's post again? I have now decided that I will vote her in the next elections keeping in mind her security."

Many others have also decided that not to vote her or her party as it raises serious doubts of her security. They are willing to sacrifice their happiness of seeing her as a CM to her security.

"Rather than putting her life at stake in front of cruel Marxists and Maoists we will preserve her as a leader. We are happy to see her making speeches and really don't bother whether she is CM or not," said Pappu Bhattacharya, another West Bengal resident who doesn't want her life to be taken away by some sundry Maoist.

Showing her photo with wet eyes, Pappu finally said "I don't want to put mala on her photo. I will never vote for her again in my life (sob sob)."

On the eve of auspicious "Pappu Diwas" or "Rahulotsav / Rahul Jayanti", the India Satire bureau brings you a live coverage of the important events of the day.

03.00 pm Diggy gave evening plan of action to Rahul

Schedule

At 4 pm visit to aam aadmi Mr. Vikas Oberoi who heads a big 5-star hotel in Delhi

At 6 pm visit to another aam aadmi Mr. Robert Vadra, who is also husband of Rahul's sister Priyanka at Gurgaon to discuss about the Govt's aid to his small and mid size project

At 9 pm Small get together function at Vadra's house

At 11 pm back to a hotel having some cheesy snacks and great dinner with best of the wine and quality vodka, dance with beautiful guys

At 2 am Will come back to home for a small sleep

02.30 pm Left the hotel, to0k a short nap in the car. Came to home told Mummy that he helped another aam aadmi and went for a sleep.

12.45 pm Run to new restaurant in Delhi's posh most areas (name hidden for security) with young friends. Celebrated birth day with 'Daal Roti'. Special media person was available to capture the sense of the event. Rahul neatly cleaned plates and crockery, smartly wiped dirt on the floor and hugged and kissed Ramu, waiter of the hotel. Ramu told media person that it was his dream comes true after he met Rahul. He also said that he would vote Rahul in the next elections. Rahul promised him whatever problem he faces Ramu can directly come to him.

11.30 am A small speech at his residence to young Congress leaders. "You all need to resolve issues of India. You are India's power too. Don't let that Modi demon to win the elections in 2014," said Rahul Gandhi. Just after speech many leaders took his blessings.

11.05 am "Mummy, Mummy, what should I wear today?" asks his mummy. "You can try half white kurta and paijama in the morning and that sleeveless t-shirt and jeans which I bought in Italy for you in the evening," said Sonia Gandhi

10.15 am "Thanks Priyanka for wishing me happy birthday," Rahul Baba talks on his phone

9.40 am Diggy, a loyal servant at 10 Janpath serves Bread and Butter.

9.15 am "Yes Mummy! I will take Bournvita," said Rahul while watchin Tom and Jerry, took a bath.

8.45 am Cleans his tooth properly, watches white tooth in the mirror

7.15 am Rahul cleans up yesterday's pizza and burger, sets free to inject some more

7.00 am With a small puppy from Mummy Rahul Baba starts his day

Cooking fans and her ardent readers across the world demanded some cheesy and elegant cookies and burger from Nigella Lawson by putting chopped Charles Saatchi. Nigella's fans across the world put the demand in front of her to get some delicious smell of the burger and cookies.

"I also want Charles pastry and I have already forwarded a request mail to Nigella," said Peter Jackson. Jackson is a devoted follower of Nigella's writing and always interested in new dishes which she cooks.

Recently, photographs were published by the Sunday People newspaper of Nigella being grabbed around the neck by her husband, advertising mogul Charles Saatchi, during an argument outside a London seafood restaurant.

"It would be interesting to see how it would taste after putting Charles in a pan after cutting him into small pieces and properly bake him in the Microwave put some oil on it and then have good eat," said Mary Jo, another fan of Nigella.

Her female fans requested Nigella to cook Charles Saatchi immediately and release cooking recipe, so that they also can use the process to properly cook their own husbands.

"I am definitely going to fulfill demand of my fans," said smiley Nigella. She said "It would be interesting to see how Charles will taste as a burger. I have already removed entire flesh from his bones and put it in a freezer and will start next preparation. I fed remaining bones to my doggy 'Jimmy' who is very happy with the taste."

Just ahead of the trust vote, Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar distributed green lollypops among Bihar Congress MLAs.

"We want to thank Prime Minister for taking us to the precious 'Secular' category and supporting the 100% secular government of Bihar today," said Chief Minister Nitish Kumar.

According to sources, ex-Chief Minister and RJD leader Lalu Prasad Yadav was totally ignored by Nitish Kumar while distributing the lollypops.

"Lalu was trying to reach out to Nitish Kumar to have one lollypop but as he was not wearing the skull cap, Nitish Kumar avoided any interaction with him," said the source.

After announcing that the sexual relationship in one way is marriage and proper document is sufficient to prove that, Madras High Court directed the government to start issuing 'Sex Certificate'. The couple can apply for sex certificate immediately after they completed their intercourse. They will require carrying bottle of sperms to prove that they indulge in sex.

"This is a proper way," said Lawyer S Padmanabhan "I think document like Sex Certificate will protect them legally."

According to sources, the certificate would record the sex was passionate or boring so that by the time of applying for divorce, Judge can easily understand the mutual relationship between them. The sources also confirmed that the certificate will be valid for Aadhar.

"In a next step the Aadhar card number will record every sex with different partners using barcode type technology," said Nandan Nilekani, the Chairman of the Unique Identification Authority of India (UIDAI).

In another news related to Madras HC's verdict, 34 more bed partners of ND Tiwari and 21 sex partners of Abhishek Manu Singhvi claimed them as their husbands. Court will hear their pleas on first week of July.

Bipasha Basu said on twitter that she is now confused over disclosing her relati0nship with John Abraham.

India finally seeks an answer from Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh whether he is really interested in sweeping Congress' Delhi Office if Sonia Gandhi tells him to do so. The nation is eagerly waiting his reply, as one of his junior ministers recently said that he can sweep Chattisgarh Congress office.

"I want to know whether Dr. Singh is ready to act as an official sweeper for Sonia Gandhi or not. If a junior minister can clearly express his loyalty and purity why not Manmohan Singh. I want an answer from Dr. Singh whether he is ready to sweep Congress Office floors if Soniaji told him to do so. I also want more precision on his role post 2014 elections if he is ready to expand his role for cleaning the floors if Rahul also asks him to do so," said the nation, asking for more clarity on the good governance and truthfulness from Dr. Singh.

Union Minister of State for Agriculture and Food Processing Charandas Mahant yesterday who has been appointed as the working president of the Chattisgarh State Congress Committee, made it clear in front of journalists that he is willing to sweep Chattisgarh Congress Office floor if ordered by Sonia Gandhi. That raised the doubts about integrity and loyalty of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh who never made it clear that he would also do such thing.

"Nation demands an answer from you, Mr. Prime Minister," said nation's only representative and TV host Arnab Goswami.

He said "Nation even wants to know as a senior leader to the country, are you going to do something more than just sweeping the floors (like cleaning her sandals and Rahul's shoes)?"

Left parties set to introduce new 'Delta Force' that will combat the extreme communalism of NDA and on the other extreme corrupt UPA. This is the answer of the left parties to current trivial situation of Indian politics where the third front would include the extreme enemy of peaceful Maoists, Mamata Banerjee.

"Boss! We don't have a place where we can be fitted. So finally we decided to come together and introduce a delta force," said CPM leader Sitaram Yechury after spitting on the other side of the corner.

The idea of delta force is to fight the anti-social energies like communal parties, corrupt alliances and anti-maoist sentiments. The alliance is ready to induct secularly communal parties like SP, BSP and JD (U) but puts no hope as well.

"As all the states have derecognized us, we don't think that these opportunist leaders would take us. We are so old that no young Indian would vote on our ideologies. But still we want to create something to let us remain in news and therefore we thought to create strong CPIM force," said senior CPI leader A B Bardhan.

Asking what Delta force means, CPM leader Prakash Karat said "That we don't know. We just wanted to give some name for a group in which other parties are not involved. This force will be a medium that we can still remain in news."

Irritated with the numerous candidates for PM with different ideologies and beliefs with no intention for well-being of the country, India finally talked with Rajinikanth to make 'Chitty' like Robot for a Prime Minister's post.

"The situation is complicated for us with so many parties and so many leaders are asking for PM's post. Some are secularly communal while few are purely communal. Some are interested in forming third front to let them all dreaming about PM's post. Some have aspirations and dreams but no support. Few are like they are getting support from one group but not from others. We are fed up of this entire nuisance that has been created for one post during past few days," said the nation, just after Nitish Kumar left NDA.

Talking about current Prime Minister, the nation said "Currently, we have a prime minister that has robot like similarities. So why not the robot itself with human looks get chance to become Prime Minister? I think few guys with nation-in-mind like ideology are witnessing huge backlash from their friends while few who could be great masks to their colleagues may receive best of the support from everybody. Then why not robots with no selfishness and remain under control of me."

The nation said that it recently called Rajinikanth who discovered 'Chitty' for the security of nation to develop a 'Robot' with credentials and qualities to become great prime minister of India.

Meanwhile, all purely communal, secularly communal and other political parties (no ideology) condemned the decision of nation asked it to shut its mouth and stop interfering in the democratic process of selecting prime minister.

To save last noble and environment friendly specie on the earth, Environment consumed India's Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh.

"I was fuckingly worried about my beloved son Jairam since he told reporters that Narendra Modi consumed his Guru LK Advani and VHP leader Praveen Togadia just like Bhasmasur. I didn't want my son to be consumed by some asura. He was the only Environment Rakshak on this earth and therefore I thought myself to gulp him, chew him and digest him thoroughly," said Environment which just sometime back took Jairam Ramesh from his house and carefully rested him in its stomach.

Recently, Jairam Ramesh called Narendra Modi as 'Bhasmasur' and warned Indians that he can consume them. Bhasmasur was a demon who was granted the power by Lord Shiva to destroy anyone whose head he touched with his hand. When Shiva granted him the power, Bhasmasur attempted to touch the head of the Lord with his hand because he saw his wife Parvati and wanted to possess her.

Worried enough for Jairam Ramesh, Environment finally did unthinkable and gulped him from insanely bad earth.

"I don't care about the whole world. I know only specie, Jairam Ramesh and people he like a lot. I want to preserve them and from this inhumane world. Jairam told me that he likes Rahul Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal, Manish Tewari and few other leaders in UPA a lot. He also told me that these species with the kind of characters they have are fast vanishing and therefore asked me to consume them also."

After a series of self ass hitting kicks, conservative leader of Kashmir and hardline Hurriyat Conference leader Syed Ali Shah Geelani swelled his ass into red blaming Central Government for the situation.

"This was because of the Government's stubborn behavior towards us, the separatist Kashmiris. Look at this, look at how because of Govt's adamant behavior I am hitting on my butts for thousand times in a day just like an insane and mad man (Geelani started hitting his ass again and again with vigour and energy)," said Geelani to the reporters, proving his statement that because of Govt's 'aggressive' and stubborn policy on Kashmir the youth of the valley took up the arms.

Geelani then kicked his ass for 100 more times in front of reporters and sat down on a corner of the room with his hukka just like nothing has happened. 

• Who will supply the food grains timely to ration shops? Indian Railways?
• Will there be any tatkal facility to get urgent delivery of the food grains?
• Will there be any first class facility to avoid long cues?
• Few contractors asked whether there is need to construct platforms for end consumers to stand in long cues. Supply of cold drinks and junk foods will be free.
• Are political leaders included in the total number of poor in India that gets benefit under the bill?
• Can we access the food grains order on IRCTC website? Government can consider that option.
• Government called state governments to ensure no corruption at the ration shops. What is the estimated number of closure of the ration shops if they are not allowed to make black marketing?

Pappu Pandey who recently fell in love is searching the reasons why girls become more and more disheartened just after they get into love.

"I am confused. I just look at everywhere, whenever a girl who fell in love becomes more and more depressed and put her boy friend on the work to entertain her," said Pappu Pandey who is facing similar crisis in his life.

A part time scientist and full time Investment Banker in Mumbai Pappu Pandey witnessed consistent attacks of depression on his girlfriend which were never been in existence when she was just a friend.

"This is a recent phenomenon. Just after we came into relationship she started showing her weird behavior. Her depression has become never ending story of her life. Now-a-days, her reactions are like nothing left in her life and want to suicide once and for all. She was never like that," said Pappu.

He said that his girlfriend was happiest, funniest and easy going girl before becoming his girlfriend.

"She used to crack jokes. Never expected me to become a monkey for her, neither she expected me to call her every five minutes just to entertain her," said Pappu "Now-a-days she feels miserable for every another reason. Just recently she depressed after Maoists attacked passenger train in Patna, saying that there is nothing left in her life and wants to suicide."

Pappu Pandey thinks that this is universal observable fact and wants to go in deep to understand the unresolved puzzle of woman brain.

People all over the world are condemning Director Zack Snyder for directing a totally unrealistic movie. Apart from missing the iconic red underwear of Superman, the movie misses all those factors which make it realistic.

"Fuck guys! The makeover of Superman doesn't reflect reality. He misses his red underwear in the entire movie. How can director take such a cinematic liberty? Next time he would show that Superman got all the powers of Spiderman," said Mack Timberton, a cinema lover in New York.

Many people even felt that there was nothing in the movie which they actually saw in the real life. Flying in the sky like stupid person makes it unreal.

"I have never seen such an unrealistic movie in my life. Why would somebody fly in the sky when he can run and walk?" asked Peter McDermott.

He said "It really looks so stupid that for every another reason he removes his clothes and just move into sky. I also don't feel there was requirement to show that no bullet moved beyond his body. It looks so rubbish. I felt that blue body guy was fuckingly insane."

McDermott also enlightened that the plot misses reference of US Drone attacks in Pakistan, Talibani enemies and plotting many Supermen on each and every US embassies of the world.

"I don't think I will choose Superman as my security guard," said Jane McKenzie of Philadelphia. "He must be very costly. I will rethink my decision when Mars or Venus will attack on the USA."

Practical John Loser said that new Superman can set a wrong precedent.

He said "Earlier nobody wanted to wish becoming Superman, because the weird location of his underwear. But now this movie gives lesson to stupid fanatic guys to start dreaming of becoming Superman."

The India Satire proud to announce 'Biggest Gamer of Month Award' to BJP's senior leader Lal Krishna Advani. His ever changing profile from strongest to dumbest and from dumbest to smartest makes him great gamer of the month.

Things prove LK Advani as big gamer

ü  First avoided as a part of Goa meet, showing his dissent

ü  Announced that he had loose motions, reason behind absence in the Goa party meet

ü  Announced his resignation from the party posts, creating atmosphere of uncertainty

ü  Took back his resignation after RSS head Mohan Bhagwat told him to do so

ü  Aware of not being the PM Candidate for next year's election, played his trump card called Nitish Kumar (information provided by Lalu Prasad Yadav)

ü  Nitish Kumar now working on different formulas including so called Federal Front (polished name of Third Front) or even going with Congress Party

ü  Game is that Narendra Modi should never be PM Candidate for 2014 elections

ü  So what is output? If BJP projects Modi as PM, Nitish Kumar will go with Third Front or Congress Party and if BJP thinks of LK Advani he will come back to NDA.

After a long 36-hour battle with new BJP leaders, LK Advani took his resignation back. In an exclusive interview with the correspondent of India Satire, LK Advani shared the real story behind resignation and touchy moments of his life. He also talked about contribution of movies in his decisions of life.

Correspondent (C): Advaniji why did you decide to resign from the Party posts?

Advani (A): Things became clear for me. Somebody told me that I will have to wait for 5 more years to portray myself as PM candidate. That was ridiculous. Waiting for such a long time means losing 4 more tooth. So finally, I decided to resign from party posts.

C: So what do you think who would have benefitted from your decision?

A: Obviously, not Duryodhana but Arjun.

C: But then why did you take back your decision?

A: Mohan Bhagwat told me nobody cares my decision. He told me that I had the opportunity to become Sonia Gandhi of the party, which I lost because of my decision. He assured me stop the nonsense and take back the decision so I would get a chance again to become Gandhiji; 'Most powerful woman of the nation'.

C: So what are your feelings now?

A: Mixed! I really can't tell you. My life is inspired by movies. You can say I am a 'filmy' guy. Now see before Goa meet, I saw 'Vishwaroop' and I understood new winning strategies. After resignation, I saw 'Yamala Pagala Deewana 2' and enjoyed it thoroughly. Watching that movie really requires courage. Nobody has real guts to stop laughing, even not like me who is really serious guy in life. So watching YPD2 helped me taking decision of resignation from all the 3 posts. However, after meeting Bhagwat I understood that like YPD2 I made mockery of myself. So now I want to watch Sanjay Leela Bhansali's movie to let my emotions pour like Ganga Yamuna. He is real sadist like me. So I could get some emotional support of from his movie.

Analysis of the India Satire Research Bureau suggests that there is every reason for BCCI to benefit from IPL betting and match fixing, as like WWE in the USA.

Salient points which suggest why BCCI ideally should be involved in match fixing

1.     Betting in IPL 6 reached to Rs47,000 crore from Rs 43,000 crore a year earlier. Why would BCCI loose such a lucrative opportunity? Even a 10% fees from betting makes it a billion dollar organization.

2.     Sreesanth and other two are not that smart to work on match fixing. Recently, scientists found that they are ass holes. Only smarter guys can work on the match fixing formula.

3.     12 point Plan to clean up IPL makes the game more and more secretive rather than making it transparent. Transparency will never allow players to fix matches. Now nothing will be in public and no fear among the players that their call records would be tapped.

4.     Stopping cheerleader exhibition shows they were used in the saga. According to sources, now their job will be motivating players privately.

5.     History suggested that match fixing adds more shocks and surprises to the game. So BCCI is not that damn idiot to provide straight forward boring cricket games.

6.       By the way guys, IPL is a realty show which if never been fixed would not add spices. 

BCCI's new 12-point IPL cleanup plan considers all steps to guard cricketers from getting caught in match fixing again. The plan will also help them continue fixing matches flawlessly and in more secure manner, said BCCI President.

"We want to avoid cases like Sreesanth and Vindoo. Both these stupid exposed the unofficial revenue source of BCCI. I think IPL match fixing should continue in more flawless manner. Just because few idiots like Sreesanth make mistake, the spirit of the game should not be disturbed," said BCCI President Jagmohan Dalmia.  He said "Our new plan will help cricketers continue spot-fixing secretly with more transparency for bookies. The new plan will keep everything private and no over smart policeman will be able to make it in public."

The plan includes asking bookies to directly interact with players in their cabins, hotels and restaurants. Fixing orders would not be continued to execute on phone or at night parties. Cheerleaders will dance only in front of players to boost their spirits and not to boost general public.

Dalmia said "After cooling down this case, we will induct the erstwhile President N Srinivasan again with a warning to keep dumb Gurunath at home and introduce someone who is smart."

Recently, smartest Delhi Police Officer Neeraj Kumar revealed match-fixing in IPL to curtail ever rising rapes in Delhi. In the case, Police arrested 3 cricketers, including S Sreesanth, Bollywood personality Vindoo Dara Singh and Srinivasan's son-in-law Gurunath Meiyappan.

"I am happy that BCCI has come out with some plan to clean the tainted IPL. I hope there will be no match fixing again," said Neeraj Kumar in a press conference, showing his ignorance of the exact plan of BCCI.

Senior leaders of BJP are said to have reached out to the arrangement with senior most leader of the party, Lal Krishna Advani. According to sources, the deal has been finalized after the party agreed creating a new post, Weekend Prime Minister.

"We offered him the post of Weekend Prime Minister. So he can lavishly enjoy all the amenities of 7 Racecourse Road on every weekend," said BJP President Rajnath Singh.

The sources said that the deal was reached to final stages after hardcore negotiations by both the parties.

"Advani was not interested in PM's profile but his post. So finally BJP President told him that after BJP back to Govt, Advani would be Weekend Prime Minister," said the source.

All the news media channels are searching for images that depict sad and tired Lal Krishna Advani and devilish and ultra energetic Narendra Modi. According to sources, most of the online searches are jammed by online news media.

"We want to show Advani as a lost martyr like Bhishma Pitamah and Narendra Modi like Duryodhan," said a reporter of NDTV, requesting anonymity. He said that entire crew is working on a narration showing Bhishm Pitamah lost against in house Duryodhan Narendra Modi while Arjun Rahul Gandhi is marching ahead.

"These days getting exclusive photograph is a difficult task. We actually earlier thought that paying some bucks to both these leaders and give us an exclusive pose. However, currently they are on a high so we thought to cancel this idea," said the reporter.

Talking about the narration, he said "The script is ready. Injured Bhishma Pitamah threw himself out of the battlefield for Arjun Rahul Gandhi. Now the question is, will Rahul Gandhi kick Duryodhan Narendra Modi out of the battle field."

After praising Kamal Haasan's Vishwaroop, LK Advani threw his showers of appreciation on Dharmendra trio led Yamala Pagala Deewana sequel in his blog. The senior leader also confirmed that the movie gave him the courage to choose the crucial decision of resignation.

"I saw YPD2 (Yamala Pagala Deewana 2) in a special screening that Dharmendra arranged for me. The movie was a great 3-hour experience of fun with monkey. I really liked the monkey jumps and I also jumped from seat at least 50 times with so much of laugh," said senior leader in his blog.

According to sources, before showing the movie to Advani, Dharmendra had challenged him to watch the movie for all 3 hours (including Director's take). The Bollywood actor also asked him if he dare then control not laughing at the funny scenes of the movie.

However, Advani watching that movie continuously laughed. He like monkey 'Happy's so much that he expressed his desire to meet him.

"I think I like this movie reviewing business. I feel that if I have courage to watch YPD2 then I also have courage to throw PM's aspirations. Let Modi do the dirty work of Manmohan Singh," said LK Advani expressing his real reason for resignation.