In a candid chat with the India Satire correspondent, Salman Khurshid confirmed that he always felt like idiot while defending UPA Government's stupid policies. Minister of External Affairs, however, asked the India Satire to maintain confidentiality and disclose it only in front of its readers.

"I really feel I am a big hoodwink when I say that this policy of UPA is good that policy is good and defend it," said Salman Khurshid "However, in reality from bottom of my heart all those policies are stupid ones and one should not believe that in return they would really meant for the welfare of people."

Salman Khurshid told correspondent "What all kind of garbage policies these people come up with. Forget policies these guys have no intention to break the policy paralysis and reduce inflation. I feel fucking whenever I say something else and I have something other in my mind."

First time in his marred life, India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal won an argument against his wife, Promila Sibal, said sources present at the event. According to sources, Sibal was trying to justify the inevitable increase in the milk and onion prices.

"When he came from his office Promilaji straight asked him stinging question why prices are rising," said Sanjay, a sweeper in Kapil Sibal's house.

Promilaji was already angry over rise in onion prices but her angst exploded when dudhwala bhaiyaa hiked milk prices, said Sanjay.

He said "Sibalji tried to justify her that there is zero loss till he was minister in the UPA government so she should not need to worry. He also told her that price rise is inevitable as the poor and deprived should get money from some pockets and that are of well to do middle class."

"Reacting to his barbs, Promilaji immediately told him in that case she would vote Narendra Modi," said Sanjay "The argument continue to go on and till Promilaji called him stupid and Sibalji ended the conversation by calling her 'shut up you communal'."

Talking about sudden aggression in Rahul's speeches, one senior Congress leader confirmed that the party removed a small defective part from his brain and now the puppet is ready to take on Narendra Modi and BJP.

"We recently fixed one damaged part and removed another defective one," said Congress General Secretary and spokesperson Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul in his early days of politics.

Digvijay Singh told India Satire correspondent that the repairing work was taken after complaints from regional as well as few senior Congress leaders over lacking of aggression and enthusiasm in Rahul's speeches.

"The repairing work was necessary. Now after this repairing work, Rahul has become a perfect PM candidate and would listen exactly perform as we ask him too," said Digvijay Singh.

Talking about the issues which the party leaders fixed, he said "We fixed issues related to secularism by putting some more drama in the floppy of his brain and we removed defective part called wisdom which was still there in his brain, a minor quantity of 2%. Now he is perfect and can give provocative and aggressive speeches and can also take on Modi one on one."

Digvijay Singh in his ending remarks "Finally, what actually matters is that is he ready to become best puppet in our hands. Ha ha ha."

God has decided to contest for 2014 elections, said a circular issued from the heaven. According to the circular, God said he was literally fucked up with what is happening on the earth and particularly in India. He said that widespread corruption, scams, crime and communalism hurts him and wants to build a new society free of all these sins. However, Indian politicians denied him entry claiming that he lacks any juice that would pull the crowd.

"I want to build a peaceful society with no scams, corruption, crime and communal tension and therefore I thought of contesting elections in 2014," said God. According to sources, God is yet to decide which party he wants to join or whether he wants to stay independent.

He said "I am not sure about UPA or NDA or be independent. But I would like support candidates with clean characters."

Both Congress and BJP told India Satire correspondent that they received a request from the God for joining the party.

"I am not sure what kind of developmental agenda God will bring to the table. Rather than criticizing us on communalism he should check what he had done through Congress Party over the years. He himself supported corrupt UPA for 9 years. Now people want change and therefore we are pushing for Modiji," said BJP President Rajnath Singh.

Congress General Secretary, Digvijay Singh said "I am doubtful that God has any secular credentials. I think he wants to divide loyal vote bank of Congress party for RSS and therefore he was criticizing us on the lines of corruption. I can only say there is only one Godess and she is in Congress party and if she gives him a secular certificate then only we will review his application."

Reacting to Economic Times and AC Nielsen's voter survey, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi finally decided to marry once and for all. The step is considered as a first move to outpace Narendra Modi in the elections.

"I am happy that Rahul has taken this decision. We are going to make a formal announcement in next few days that Rahul is seeking for good looking girl with age no barrier," said Congress General Secretary and Rahul's unofficial mentor Digvijay Singh.

According to sources at 10 Janpath, Rahul Gandhi hurriedly decided to announce his marriage and fix selection of bride and marriage date post 2014 elections to attract large women voters in the country.

"Rahul told us that age is no criteria. He is willing to marry from 18 years old to 99 years old girl. He is willing to go beyond 99 years old if the bride is good looking, smart and good cook," said Digvijay Singh "It will attract 50% women voters towards Congress party and outpace Modi's campaign."

The sources confirmed that such move would immediately attract 50% women voters, mummies, aunties and other ladies to vote to Congress. The sources also said that Rahul is ready for marriage has increased excitement amongst nannies, grannies, mummies, aunties and girls.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi's daughter and Vice President Rahul Gandhi's sister, charismatic Priyanka Gandhi made her first public appearance when whole India was talking about her role in 2014 elections. Party recently confirmed that she would attend only two election rallies of her brother and mother.

"I can say putting my right palm on my left heart that sexy and gorgeous people never enter into politics. Only some idiot, dumbasses get into this crap, I am not that kind and therefore don't want to get into all this," said Priyanka Gandhi.

When India Satire journalist asked her that her brother and mother are into politics, she said "Oh really! I was not aware about that."

Much touted by left parties, unofficial Third Front finally announced its route to 2014 elections.

"We are going to field at least 5 Prime Ministers in 2014 elections and if situation remains favourable India will get 5-10 Prime Ministers after elections," said CPM leader Sitaram Yechuri.

Left parties confirmed that they don't want to take any chances in terms of failure of third front due to internal rivalry among party heads.

"We told Jayalalithaa and M Karunanidhi that you both can become partial Prime Ministers of South, Mayawati and Mulayam Singh Yadav will become partial Prime Ministers of North, Naveen Patnaik along with Nitish Kumar will become partial PM of Eastern region while we are looking out for reasonable regional candidate in western region. So they all can collect taxes and money from people of their respective regions," said Yechury "And I will become Prime Minister of India."

According to draft memorandum of understanding that each and every regional party will have to sign said that if PM aspirants go more than 10 then the third front will announce PM for every state.

Yechury said "We will also provide mobility option to every Prime Ministers. So if Mulayam Singh Yadav or Mayawati wants lead Western states like Maharashtra they can use our Equal Right to Lead option and change the region/state every year."

India Satire congratulates Rahul Gandhi for proving again that he was intelligent and knowledgeable as like Newton, Einstein and Amartya Sen. India Satire always maintained its confidence in Rahul as a great orator, intellect, best leader and best of best global person. We believe in his skills more than his mentor Digvijay Singh and advisor Sanjay K Jha. Now after saying that Indian Dalit needs Jupiter's escape velocity (most of them don't know what velocity is) for success Rahul has clearly shown that he reached the heights of excellence and talent.

We thank to his mentor and advisor for helping him to reach out to current stage. We request Sonia Madam to be little rough with him and allow him to talk whatever he wants. Our advice to her is words carefully crafted are political while words which have no background are innocent. So please allow Rahul to say anything like 'nonsense', 'stupid', 'bullshit', 'asshole' and 'rascals'. These are very innocent words when they are spontaneous. To start with, we ask Sonia to kill all her ego and give him lots of hugs and kisses and a big mug of Bournvita with sugary syrup. Nation is thankful to you Sonia Madam for being mother of such a wonderful buttery kid.

We request his mentor Digvijay Singh to stop all the bullshitting and start behaving like a mature person or else your disciple will move far ahead than you. Currently he is tied up with technocrats and scientifically proven materials like Sanjay Jha. According to our sources, Sanjay Jha is a plastic robot designed well to look like as a human being. His befriending will throw you away from Rahul's close circle.

By the way we are also thankful to Albert Einstein who gave us such quotes not understandable to any common man. However, as Rahul has taken the task to spread these uncommon quotes to common man of India we greet him with our heart and ask Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh to immediately vacate his chair and allow Rahul to serve the nation and the Jupiter.

After understanding how common man of India is allergic about tainted MPs, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi learned few more facts about him.

"Aam aadmi travels by auto, taxi bus and train. He never uses car and airplane frequently," said Rahul Gandhi reading a book that gives detailed information about India's common man.

BJP has revealed a program of phase wise reduction in hypocrisy levels of its politicians in its vision 2030 program. The party has garnered a tremendous trust deficit amongst voters and media due to its hypocritical stand on any subject that critique UPA government.

"We believe that trust deficit is directly related to hypocrisy levels and as hypocrisy increases trust deficit increases and vice versa. So right now our vision 2030 program ensures that we will be less hypocrite every year and would demonstrate straight forward approach," said BJP President Rajnath Singh in a speech addressing party workers which are ready to fight next elections.

Rajnath Singh said "Hypocrisy hardly helps winning election that what I discussed yesterday with Modiji. So I would suggest you all to reduce double standards by 5% each year and clean BJP by 2030. We have set up a panel under the leadership of Advaniji which would look after the progress of reduction in hypocrisy."

Recently, media and many voters have claimed that rising hypocrisy among BJP leaders on every subject related to politics, economy, foreign relations and defence would act as major deterrents in winning elections.

In a major attack on Narendra Modi, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi said that Modi should stop appeasing Muslims and being anti-Hindu after Modi's remarks that country needs toilets than temples. Gandhi scion told India to eliminate 'developmental elements' from the country and promote widespread poverty and hunger.

"I will tell him (Modi) only one thing and that 'shut up' and stop this nonsense of being an anti-Hindu person. By showing that you prefer toilets to temples you are playing Muslim appeasement card. Till the time I have life and I am Gandhi I will protect all Hindus in India against all these secular people. I request you all voters to stop voting these anti Hindu people and eliminate 'developmental elements' from the country," said Rahul Gandhi in a scathing remark on Modi's statement yesterday.

Addressing 7,000 students in New Delhi, Narendra Modi yesterday said, "I say build toilets before you build temples."

He said "Congress Party believes that if everybody is poor then everybody would be happy. So elements that spread developmental politics should be removed from the roots and take the country to equality."  

Social activist Anna Hazare decided to change his name to Anna Gandhi so that the UPA Government will pass the bill. Anna Hazare made this announcement late night yesterday.

"I am Anna Gandhi today onwards, right from this time," roared Anna Hazare in front of lakhs of his followers yesterday night "I ask the cabinet committee of ministers to stop this 'nonsense' and introduce a stronger Jan Lokpal Bill in the next Parliamentary session."

Sources from Ralegan Siddhi said Anna Hazare had inspired from Rahul Gandhi who influenced Government's decision on passing an ordinance to protect convicted member of parliaments. The Gandhi scion recently called the ordinance as 'nonsense' and said that he would never buy the shit given by cabinet ministers including India's Prime Minister. Gandhi's scathing remarks hurt government which reversed its earlier decision. However, sources said that the Congress Party planned the entire drama to show that Rahul is not just a buttery baby but has grown up since past few days.

"That is what the government was interested in showing. Rahul's Raudra Avatar," said political analyst, in Delhi.

However, Anna Hazare's step to change his surname was a big shock to UPA government which didn't expect such an extreme move from the social activist.

"We can fight the idea of satyagraha or fast-unto-death activities but fighting a Gandhi surname is impossible for us," said Law Minister Kapil Sibal "There is no provision in law for disagreeing the orders of Gandhis."

Kapil Sibal confirmed "If Annaji has changed his surname from Hazare to Gandhi then we have no option but to bring 'strong Jan Lokpal Bill' in the parliament and take care to sail it through comfortably."

PM Dr. Manmohan Singh kept mum on the topic but said that he would be fine even if Anna Gandhi asks him to work as his steno after next elections.

Rajya Sabha member Rasheed Masood on Tuesday said that he was ready to go to jail for having a long and enjoyable stay. He said that he packed all his clothes, bottles of foreign liquor, sexy romantic innerwears and few girlfriends.

"I am also going to carry few comics and books of dirty jokes. Wow, it would be great to have privacy in jail where I can start imagining different dirty and stupid dreams which I couldn't because of work pressure and aspiration to earn easy and fast money. But now I can go on imagining for entire 4 years. I will watch all my dirty dreams in the jail," said Rasheed Masood.

Masood also confirmed that he packed all his new underwears just bought for the same purpose.

"I bought new underwears of different colours and designs including cartoons embossed on them. I will fulfill that dream too," said Masood.

Masood was sentenced to four years in jail by a special CBI court in Delhi on Tuesday for fraudulently nominating undeserving candidates to MBBS seats in 1990-91. He was held guilty of criminal conspiracy, cheating and forgery by court on September 19.

The political leader is the first MP to be convicted after the Supreme Court on July 10 struck down a law that provided immunity to convicted MPs and MLAs from immediate disqualification.

Masood confirmed that he would not take his wife and kids to jail to give him company.

He said "Rather I will ask my girlfriends to accompany me. I don't want to be punished by taking my wife with me in jail."

Rajya Sabha member Rasheed Masood on Tuesday became the first member of Parliament to be disqualified after conviction in a criminal case.

Shipped directly from Egypt and China, Rahul Gandhi is going to wear his new kurta and paijama in the upcoming rallies which will prove his mettle. The development is first reported by the India Satire, confirmed by 10 Janpath sources.

"Rahul Baba torn apart the earlier kurta woven by Indian handloom makers through India produced cotton after finding it rubbish. He said that it would degrade his image showing him some stupid person talking some nonsense," said 10 Janpath's fashion designer Robert Malhotra.

Robert Malhotra is only fashion designer who designs Congress Sonia Gandhi's sarees and Rahul's kurta and paijamas. He is the exclusive designer and never takes any outside work.

"My work is so special that whenever there is election rally, Priyankaji demands Madamji's sarees which exclusively designed by me. Even Rahulji loves my work. But that day after coming from 'ordinance' related press conference, Rahul Baba shouted at me. He said that what rubbish kind of clothes he was wearing till date. He said the cotton used for the fabric is so cheap and looks worthless on him degrading his image. He told me that nobody takes him seriously even if he was serious," said Robert "After that immediately he started tearing his kurta and paijama which he was wearing that time."

Robert said that the situation started worsening and he had to commit for better attention on his clothes.

Robert said "Finally, we decided to bring two varieties of clothes for Rahul. One firmly woven fabric from best Egypt made cotton for the reference to aam aadmi while China silk to lure the corporate and intellectual citizens of India."

A web survey conducted by AC Nielsen reveals that 90% Indian voters want right to skip voting. The survey was conducted just after Supreme Court verdict on giving right to citizens to reject all candidates. The voters said that it would be better if Supreme Court give the liberty to skip the voting on voting day.

"That is fine if we have right to reject all candidates, but do we have right to skip voting on the voting day so that we can go for picnic or party," asked Vicky Oberoi, a technocrat in Mumbai.

AC Nielsen said that it sent a questionnaire to 75348 highly qualified and independent thinking people with great professional achievements. 90% of them confirmed that they require using the holiday that they get on voting day optimally. So that rather than making some cosmetic surgery on the Indian democracy they want to choose right to skip voting altogether.

"I like the day when we have to vote. I sleep late that day, watch movie and a good lunch in decent restaurant and then beautiful early sleep. Who will go and join the long queue for voting? Yes this is unofficial and illegal but I request Supreme Court to please give us right to skip voting and allow us to choose not to be part of choosing or not choosing some stupid politician" said Sachin Verma, an IT professional in Delhi. 

Taking hard stance on the internal policies of the respective countries, India's Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh and Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif will discuss about their adamant masters. Both the premiers of each country were eager to meet to share various issues and problems with each other.

"Both of them will talk each other in the UN General Assembly meeting about how they have been screwed beyond limits by their masters," said a press release of Prime Minister's Office of India.

According to sources, Manmohan Singh was desperate to meet Nawaz Shariff despite one of the worst fidayeen attacks on Kashmir Police yesterday. The PMO official confirmed that both were eager to see each other and share the burden of slavery they faced for some time.

"Nawaz Sharif wanted to share how he was screwed by Military and terrorists. He also wanted to discuss on his illegitimate relations with Hafiz Saeed that would not stop him from discussing on peace process with India," said official of PMO.

They will hug each other and will cry on each other's shoulders, said sources familiar with the developments. According to sources in Pakistan, Nawaz Sharif has taken entire list of his complaints and grievances about his master Pakistan military and terrorists while Manmohan Singh will talk the recent degradation of his job by his lady master and her super human son.

"Both will have a very cordial but still emotional meet. While today Manmohan Singh will take some inspiration from US President Barack Obama on how to solve problems with sheer guts and how to spit, tomorrow he will have sentimental love exchange with Nawaz Sharif," said PMO official.

A panel spearheaded by well known intellectual and economist, Sanjay Jha is day and night working on finding ways to prove Rahul Gandhi's caliber and his immense need to India. The panel has already introduced media notes like Rahul Gandhi blasted on lazy Congress politicians or asked political leaders to speak in tandem with party manifesto.

"We are constantly working on the media notes that will show how Rahul Gandhi is changing the entire canvas of Congress Party and India," said Sanjay Jha, head of the panel in different planetary accent.

Sanjay Jha told India Satire correspondent that Congress President Sonia Gandhi has recruited the task force under his leadership so that people who don't know what is happening in the party and how Rahul is leading would get a gist. He also said that it would be difficult for Rahul to do all these things but it always make sense to at least give idea to voters that what he can do.

"Our sense is that Rahul can do all these things such as he can discipline stupid Congress political leaders. He can ask them to keep their mouth shut or he can tell them to work in line with party or go. In our view, ideally Rahul can easily make different strategies against his archrival Narendra Modi like telling Congress leaders to don't pay him much attention or attack on him in Gujarat whenever he is on rally in different states. We also consider points like Rahul is so much visionary that he can suggest India's Prime Minister various new ways of reducing poverty and bringing equality. We also think that as a best leader to the country, Rahul can be stricter to his allies such as Sharad Pawar's Nationalist Congress Party by saying Congress can wipe it out from Maharashtra. So after considering all these points we either put words in his mouth or directly provide them to media," said Sanjay Jha.

Sanjay Jha also told India Satire correspondent that apart from finding out the ways to show Rahul's caliber the panel is also working out the ideas that will prove how Rahul Gandhi is for India.

BJP will bring African Giraffes and Zebras along with Narendra Modi to entertain people in Bangalore rally, said a senior leader of the party. The leader told India Satire correspondent that the party is very serious about its election campaigning and would not take any chances like solely put burden on Modi to entertain the people.

"We have decided to put Giraffes and Zebras also for campaigning in Bangalore rally along with Narendra Modi. This will ensure a value for money experience to people who would come to watch Narendra Modi's speech after paying 10 rupees. This will also add some spices to our poll campaigning," said the senior leader who is currently planning a good stay for Giraffes and Zebras.

BJP has recently taken vast land in the outskirts of Bangalore to put the animals in air conditioned taints. The leader confirmed that the BJP top brass discussed about many species including monkey, donkey, lions, cheetahs and bears but reached to the consensus on African Giraffes and Zebras after Modi convinced everybody on their importance.

 "Even Advaniji and Sushmaji agreed to the selection, showing that everything is right in the party. Now Rajnathji is in Africa discussing the entire plan with heads of Giraffes and Zebras. Both are negotiating on amount of fodder before reaching to any deal. It would be a great entertaining rally in Bangalore when all three Modiji, Giraffe and Zebra Bhai will entertain people."

Gujarat Chief Minister and BJP's PM candidate, Narendra Modi told Indian reporters that when he first time became the CM of Gujarat he was hardly 10 years old. However, for the sake of eligibility criteria fixed by Indian legislation he hid the information.

"I was just 10 years old when I became CM of Gujarat. I want to ask UPA Government, when a 10 year old child can transform Gujarat in only 10 years to become one of the most developed states in India what stops the government to take developmental steps," said Narendra Modi, addressing people in Gujarat.

Narendra Modi recently claimed that in NDA's term India saw an average GDP growth of 8.4% while according to Central Statistical Organisation it was around 6%. UPA ministers, including Finance Minister P Chidambaram blasted on him for providing fake data.

However, sticking to his 'Rambo' claims Modi questioned the capabilities of the UPA ministers which have crossed average age of 60-70 years. He said that when such experienced people can't take India on the right path then who would take it. He said that he was CM of Gujarat due to BJP's strategy to promote fresh talent.

Modi said "BJP always seek for hardcore young talent and therefore the party stalwarts like Advaniji, Vajpayeeji came to me asking to lead the state when I was going to school. However, I only asked them whether I would be able to carry out such a big responsibility on my short shoulders. But adamant to their beliefs both of them asked me to carry the responsibility however with only a condition to glue white beard and white hair so that Indian legislatures should not know my real age. But guys I am still less than half of the age of Rahul Gandhi and making such miracles. Think now a 20 year old guy who would be PM of India what kind of wonders he would do."