3.45 am Just woke up after long work till 12 am. "The office is so messy as like Indian economy. Fortunate Subbarao who left this mess created by few stupid political economists," Raghuram Rajan found telling the sweeper who came to clean up the mess. He muttered "I felt like the sweeper."

4.00 am Started working on various calculations again. "Can't help yaar! If I reduce the rates economy will see higher inflation and falling rupee. If I don't cut, industry will kill me, Chiddu will blame me. Fu*k so difficult situation," said Rajan to himself.

4.30 am "Larry Summers you are a lucky chap boss. People threw you out of US Fed Gov race. Wow," said Rajan again to himself.

4.30am to 6.30am continuously scrolling the papers

7.30 am Finance Minister P Chidambaram's call. "Rajan, today I woke up early at 7.15 am despite late night party, just to tell you that I am very concerned about faltering growth, rising prices and falling rupee. So boss, buck up and make some smart policy announcement. Cut repo rate by 150 bps, remove crr and some more stupid rates, late the inflation sky rockets to increase wealth of poor farmers and allow rupee to reach its century mark so that we can award it a Bharat Ratna," said Chidambaram on the phone.

8.00 am Rajan got another call. However, nobody spoke for 15 minutes. "It must be PM's phone discussing about the economic situation through mute mode," said security guard of Rajan.

9.30 am "Rajan Uncle, Rajan Uncle please keep the policy pro poor. So I will be able to say aam aadmi of India that even RBI was told to supply free money to you guys. My suggestions are no interest rate to 80 crore Indian poor while increasing interest rates for rest by 100 times. We can also announce 'Money on Demand' scheme under which they would have right to demand money from bank anytime even they don't have anything in their account," said Rahul Gandhi who woke up early in the morning to send his suggestions to Rajan.

10.30 am A call from some Pappu Pandey, original representative of aam aadmi of India which includes urban, rural middle class and person who bears the brunt most out of economic slowdown as well as high inflation. He said "Sorry Rajanji, I disturbed you in the midst of work on the most influential policy statement for us. I was actually trying to call you since you inducted as RBI Governor but with no success. I have a sincere request to you that right now I don't have any money in my pocket to distribute freely among 80 crore people of India. Neither my income is rising nor are the prices stabilizing. So a sincere request that if you postpone the growth for a while and allow me to purchase daily essential food and become stronger to be more productive then it would be great service for us. I ensure you that if you allow me to become stronger I will not have any problem contributing for the growth of rest 80 crore people."

11.00 am Policy statement released. MSF reduced by 75bps, no CRR cut and Repo Rate hiked by 25bps. Focus on curtailing retail inflation which hurts most to middle class population.

11.25 am "Market has termed RBI's monetary policy as a pro-middle class," Media "First time in the history any of India's RBI Governor gave importance to consumer price index (CPI inflation)."

According to sources, Telecom Minister Kapil Sibal's wife threw him out of his house for entire night yesterday on burning issue of onion prices. The sweeper of Kapil Sibal's home said that Sibal was thrashed, slapped hard and punched before thrown out of house by his wife.

"Yesterday evening when Kapil Sibal came from his court hearings and party meetings, Promilaji (his wife) questioned him over rising onion prices. But Kapil Saahib said her that he is not the right authority to discuss on food prices, particularly onion prices. Those matters should be directly discussed with onion traders as the government has privatized onion selling many years back. When Promilaji told him that her housing budget has been squeezed for past few days because of continuous rise in onion prices, Sibal Saahib said that the government doesn't sell onions, it only sells Akash Tablets and food grains such as rice, wheat and daal at Rs1, 2 and 3 per kg, respectively. So stop asking these sorts of fucking questions and go to onion traders and ask them directly," said Kisanchand Yadav, a sweeper who was privy to the entire event.

Yadav said "Promilaji immediately slapped on Sibal Saahib's face, punched him hard on his mouth and asked him to leave immediately. She held him with his collar and told him that he could be a big hypocrite politician outside her house but inside she is Soniaji. Then she kicked him hard and threw out of house and told him stay here for entire night. Don't show me your bloody arrogant face again."

According to sources which include security guard, Kapil Sibal spent entire night sleeping on the staircase of house like a poor innocent kid. However, in the morning as soon as his road to enter in the house was cleared by his wife, he changed his innocent kid like face into same arrogant and careless politician.

As spiraling food prices are burning pockets of Indians, particularly middle class unlike to poor class which has availability of cheap and free good food, the UPA Government has asked Reserve Bank of India (RBI) to work out on 'loan for food' scheme. The government said that it was unwilling to take any steps to contain food inflation as rising food prices are good for farmers. Therefore the government has decided to open a new window of loan so that Indian working class can buy food like onion, tomatos, etc. by borrowing money from banks.

"We asked RBI Governor Raghuram Rajan to work on such a formula," said India's Finance Minister P Chidambaram.

The RBI currently is working on funding for lending scheme under which it would ask banks to offer auto and housing loans at cheaper rates. On the same lines, the government has asked RBI to study the similar kind of model in food sector.

"We asked RBI to work on micro-financing model in the food sector. So if somebody wants to buy 2 kg tomatos, he can go to bank and demand loan by merely submitting his PAN card or income proof. PAN card or income proof is required for recognizing the borrower as a middle class. We have also asked RBI to keep interest rates modest at 12 odd percent per annum," said Chidambaram.

Chidambaram, however, said that the interest rates would be higher on premium products like onion so that the middle class would not waste the precious product. Recently, onion prices rose by 254% putting itself in the bracket of precious commodities like gold, silver and platinum.

Chidambaram said "We are fairly optimistic about loan for food scheme. Now even middle class people will be able to include onion in their daily meal. That is the UPA government's inclusive policy."

It is strange but true. Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi is working on the right policy for Indian economy to revive it in next 20-25 years, said a senior Congress leader.

"He is drafting a policy that will be comprehensive, inclusive and best for the Indian economy. It will lead us to a high growth trajectory that we wanted since last 60 years," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Digvijay Singh was talking about Rahul's talent in economic policy making and drafting best possible financial framework.

"He himself had drafted food security bill, NREGA bill and restaurant bill in Shetty's Restaurant," said Digvijay Singh who told that that Shetty was aam aadmi who wanted to understand how the micro economic policy framework attracts more and more customers in his restaurant.

"Rahul suggested him of embossing Soniaji's photo on restaurant bills and rename his Hotel Durga Prasad to Rajiv Gandhi Sasta Khana Sthal and see the way his business gets boost. Now his hotel is a great example for people who want to turnaround their sagging business successfully," said Digvijay Singh. He said that the time when Shetty embossed Sonia's photo and renamed the hotel to Rajiv Gandhi the business saw a robust growth as everybody came to the restaurant with expectations of cheap food.

Digvijay Singh said "He is going to implement same policies in the Indian economy. As a first step to long term stability of Indian economy, he advised us to rename India as 'Rajiv Gandhi Country With Free Offers' to attract foreign director investors who are searching for cheap destination to park their money. It will reduce current account deficit and boost rupee. Even Finance Minister P Chidambaram was shocked with his knowledge of economy." 

A Delhi based political leader of leading national party has suffered a loss of 80% of her wealth following the recommendations of stalwarts like SP Tulsian, Sudarshan Sukhani and Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. The lady is representing her party as President and her son as Vice President. She filed Police complaint against all the above mentioned three guys for giving misleading recommendations.

"I saw tears in my mother's eyes," said son of the President of the political party "We both lost almost 80% of our wealth in the stock markets. Today's fall in the Sensex was a cherry on deep shitty cake. Finally, we decided to complain against Tulsian, Sukhani and Jhunjhunwala whom we followed in our carnage of portfolio."

According to sources, the lady has strengthened India's economy by directing the Prime Minister on the right path. However, she felt that she was misguided by few investment analysts and investors. Now she is taking a legal route to get her money back from these 3 guys.

"I always told her to act on my suggestions as I am her home made portfolio manager. However, she decided to take advice of outsiders," said Finance Minister P Chidambaram. Chidambaram is popular of predicting stock market directions in most prudent ways. He has a hit rate of 99% when stocks tumble.

(Fake News – Please don't mind)

Congress President Sonia Gandhi's son-in-law, Robert Vadra has purchased 50,000 tons of onion at Rs 15 per kg yesterday, said sources in the Congress Party. The shocking news is likely to rock Parliament for next entire session, possibility of hauling important bills like Food Security.

"Robert purchased 50 thousand tons of onion for Rs 15 per kg yesterday when the market rate was around Rs 80 per kg and expected to go at least to Rs 100 per kg from D L Falero, a Gurgaon based onion trader," said a senior leader of Congress Party, requesting his name to keep confidential.

The leader said that Vadra will sell onion step by step in next few months at an average of Rs 100 per kg. The onion has kept in the godowns of Food Corporation of India (FCI) for free of cost, using his contacts. According to the leader, D L Falero provided an unsecured loan to Robert for purchasing the onion.

The leader said "We are not aware about the real reason for selling onion at such a low rate to Robert plus providing loan to purchase it."

According to sources, Vadra used contacts of Sonia Gandhi for purchasing the onion at almost free of cost. The sources also added that CAG has already seized accounts of D L Falero and found that D L Falero has given an unsecured loan of Rs 75 lakhs to Vadra at free of cost. The CAG has estimated that windfall gains from onion deal will be at least Rs 425 crore.

CAG Estimates On Onion Deal

The development will rock the Parliament and outside Parliament as both BJP and Aam Aadmi Party are going to protest against Vadra and Congress President.

"I can't believe that Damadji is involved in onion deal. We will raise this issue in the Parliament," said Sushma Swaraj, opposition leader of Lok Sabha.

Aam Aadmi Party Supremo, Arvind Kejriwal said "I will go through all the news papers. Collect the data for next month and after 6 months we will make a shocking news that Robert Vadra was involved in onion deal."

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said that he is in view of allowing 100% FDI in Rajya Sabha Member of Parliaments (MPs). PM was referring for introducing more reforms to curb rupee fall and improve situation of current account deficit.

"I think we should allow direct investment in Rajya Sabha MPs. This will bring more and more competition in the sector and would increase the prices paid to the MPs. I ask planning commission to form a panel to give us recommendation on the implementation of this policy reform," said PM Manmohan Singh, expressing his opinion on bringing more and more investments in India.

Recently, a Congress MP from Haryana Birender Singh revealed that rates of Rajya Sabha MPs are hovering around Rs 100 crore.

"The sector is still undervalued and has a lot of potential and needs to be opened up so that investment of at least Rs 24500 crore will be attracted. It will curb rupee's fall and also improve CAD situation," said Manmohan Singh. However, he denied revealing anything more on issues like who is interested in investing in Indian MPs and what sort of value addition the investor will get besides getting a candidate who only creates rhetoric and sleeps in the Rajya Sabha.

Great Indian musician and super market of gold, Bappi Lahiri decided to donate his 50 tons of gold to reduce the pressure gold imports in India. Lahiri also decided to stop importing any consignment of new gold to help India improve current account deficit (CAD). The development came after RBI set up measures to curtail gold imports which are putting pressure on India's financials in terms of burgeoning CAD.

In one of the most important measures, RBI Governor D. Subbarao personally visited Bappi Lahiri requesting him to support the measures taken by the central bank. According to sources, Bappi Lahiri immediately accepted Governor's request and asked his secretary to donate 50 tons of gold to poor Indians so that import thirst of gold would drop substantially. The great musician with great heart also told Subbarao that he would stop any gold imports for his personal consumption. Bappi Lahiri imports around 100 tons every year to convert them in his jewellery and ornaments.

After Aditi restaurant saga, the UPA Government decided to stop any further 'indirect protests' from restaurant owners and asked them to start gluing photos of Congress President Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi on food bills to save service tax on food. UPA Government issued urgent notice after few of Congress workers shut Mumbai's Parel based Aditi Restaurant after they found some 'funny', sorry 'defamatory' content about UPA on bills.

"We want to bring discipline in the system otherwise any sundry person will start mocking us," said Congress spokesperson and part time minister Manish Tewari.

He said "The scheme is beneficial to all. All the restaurants bills will carry Madamji and Baba's photos with message about UPA Government's work, like MNREGA, Food Security Act and many other great things. If the restaurant owner put a message mocking BJP, NDA or Narendra Modi, then we will give him a double tax reversal."

According to Finance Ministry official, the new law will put additional burden of Rs 2000 crore on government's financials.

"We plan to bring air tax (tax on breathing) to meet the gap," said the official, requesting anonymity.

A study of Indian Government reveals that it requires at least 5 times improvement in scams and corruption to suck excess liquidity of the rupee and help it to appreciate against dollar.

"We encourage maximum number of bureaucrats and ministers to increase scams and corruption so that Rupee slide will stop. India requires improving black money statistics such as black money man ratio and scams to minister ratio to suck the excess liquidity of Rupee from the economy," said India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal.

Sibal told India Satire correspondent that the situation was worsening as the dollar is flowing out of the economy while rupee is getting released into system putting pressure on the currency.

"Government is planning to liberalize norms for putting black money in the Swiss banks so that exodus of excess money will be easily possible. We have also prepared new draft black money privacy policies to help scamsters easily take away money from the system," said Sibal.

A study conducted by the government with the help of independent research agency reveals that if corruption increases by at least five times and that money put in the Swiss banks, the Rupee will appreciate by 5% helping the economy to recover fast.

"According to simple economic theory if you reduce the supply of commodity from the market, price of that commodity appreciates," said the study manager Neeraj Kumar.

Adding to new measures to improve the black money situation in India, Kapil Sibal said "Government is also thinking of measures like FDI in corruption and scams, which are most luring areas for the foreign investors."