After some relief from recent stock market rally, big bull investor finally decided to buy new clothes on Diwali. According to sources, he lost all his clothes as his portfolio took a big hit in a big carnage in Indian stock markets that came by July end to August end this year.

"Now I am happy, I can buy new clothes in Diwali," said Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, an ace investor and inspiration to many on Dalal Street.

He also gave a new target of 6700 for Nifty when Sensex just touched an all time high and said that it was painful month when the markets tumbled from 6000 levels to 5000. However, due to immense hot weather in Mumbai helped him to manage life without clothes.

Revealing the success how he managed to make turnaround, Jhunjhunwala said "I acted on the advices given by SP Tulsian."

Asaram Bapu's devotees claimed that the Sensex was down today only because Police summoned Asaram Bapu. He said that after Police issued summon to Bapu, rupee dropped sharply affecting the equity markets.

"This is the strength of Bapuji. Police has only summoned him and Sensex was down over 3%. Think what will happen if you arrest him. You will see Sensex at 100 points level and Nifty at 10 points," said Swami Chinmayanand, Bapu's ardent follower.

When India Satire correspondent told Chinmayanand that it was not Asaram Bapu but deteriorating rupee and worsening CAD situation along with FII investment outflow were the reasons, he said that all was ok but the major reason was eroding confidence of government on Bapuji.

He said "The rupee depreciation was out of systematic risk that foreign investors calculated before Bapuji's name was involved in sexual assault case. They discounted this risk 4-5 months back itself. Now when you summon Bapuji for paltry things you will have to bear the brunt. You don't know whenever he says 'jaa upar jaa', the Sensex goes up."

A Delhi based political leader of leading national party has suffered a loss of 80% of her wealth following the recommendations of stalwarts like SP Tulsian, Sudarshan Sukhani and Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. The lady is representing her party as President and her son as Vice President. She filed Police complaint against all the above mentioned three guys for giving misleading recommendations.

"I saw tears in my mother's eyes," said son of the President of the political party "We both lost almost 80% of our wealth in the stock markets. Today's fall in the Sensex was a cherry on deep shitty cake. Finally, we decided to complain against Tulsian, Sukhani and Jhunjhunwala whom we followed in our carnage of portfolio."

According to sources, the lady has strengthened India's economy by directing the Prime Minister on the right path. However, she felt that she was misguided by few investment analysts and investors. Now she is taking a legal route to get her money back from these 3 guys.

"I always told her to act on my suggestions as I am her home made portfolio manager. However, she decided to take advice of outsiders," said Finance Minister P Chidambaram. Chidambaram is popular of predicting stock market directions in most prudent ways. He has a hit rate of 99% when stocks tumble.

(Fake News – Please don't mind)

India's leading analyst, economist and investment advisor SP Tulsian lost his 90% wealth in the stock markets. A sweeper who works at Tulsian's house has revealed this shocking news to India Satire correspondent.

"He actually lost 90% of his investments in the stock markets due to all stupid trades. Now-a-days, he behaves like a mentally fractured analyst behaves on the street because of this loss. We still can't believe that this was the same Tulsian who every now and then used to give us suggestions. Just because of his recommendations we made lakhs of rupees, simply by following his calls inversely," said the sweeper, Rakesh.

Tulsian has said to have followed his own stock calls while investing in the stock markets. He never relied on the calls given by other analysts.

"I rely only on my strength and that is picking up best stock ideas. Why would I go for some stupid analyst to suggest me invest in this company or exit from that? I never believe other analysts who usually misguide you," said SP Tulsian in an interview with India Satire, just 6 months back.

Rakesh said "Tulsian is still not aware that his calls actually work in inverse ratio. If he says buy one should exit and if he says sell one should enter with huge investment. He never used this formula which even sweeper like me knows very well."

Leading market expert and stock analyst SP Tulsian recommended buying gold at whatever price it is available.

"I have studied earlier pattern in the gold prices. I found that whenever gold prices tumble sharply an ace investor Bappi Lahiri buys tons of gold just to add to his jewellery," said Tulsian supporting his argument.

He said Bappi Lahiri who is famous for his investment in gold uses opportunity of falling gold prices for re-entry.

"He was the stabilising factor last time in the gold crash. His investment pattern similar like LIC, which supports equity markets by buying equities at the time of crash. Same way Bappi Lahiri also buys tons of gold from several central banks in the world when the prices tumble," said SP Tulsian.

He also said that whenever Lahiri magic works out, the gold prices become double in a year or two.