After showing his credible statement vomiting skills, the Congress Party has decided to promote Pranab Mukherjee's son Abhishek Mukherjee as party spokesperson. Congress Party in its press release said that if Abhijeet Mukherjee continues to demonstrate his thought process through more such interesting stuff and wakes up the Indian people in similar passion, he would be promoted to Ministerial post in 2014 elections.

"We actually thought somebody to take the mike and stir entire system, so that people would forget Delhi Gang Rape case and focus on some stupid stuff. We saw that kind of calibre in Abhijeet," said a source from the Congress Party who was accompanied in the urgent meeting to take the decision.

He said that many including ex-Official Spokesperson Manish Tewari, Digvijay Singh and Ambika Soni refuted the idea. However, persistent efforts of Sonia Gandhi kept them beyond the boundary.

"I am happiesht man in thish world. Itsh not evory body'sh calibore to become Congress Party'sh shpokeshpershon. My shon finolly demonshtrated. Abhishit should shit on spokespershon's chair and give the resolts. Thank you Madamji for let Abhishit shit on the chair of spokeshporshon," said India's President Pranab Mukherjee.

Abhijeet Mukherjee said "I am really happy with Party's step. I am thankful and grateful towards Madamji for allowing me to show my skills. I will be more stupid with my tongue so that Congress Party would win next elections."

Demonstrating his eagerness towards law and justice, disheartened India's President Pranab Mukherjee abandoned his son totally for his remarks on women that dented and painted women protesters in Delhi went to discotheques and then turned up at India Gate to express outrage over the gang rape in Delhi.

"Thish ish too bad in tho name of Preshident. I condemn sush statement of Abhishit. It literolly turnsh me down from my yeshtorday's party," said Pranab Mukherjee, India's President.

He said "I immediately abandon my shon from being my shon and Congresh Party's shon. He ish now shon of shon and not shon of mine and Congresh Party."

"What's basically happening in Delhi is a lot like Egypt or elsewhere, where there's something called the spring revolution, which has very little connection with ground realities. In India, staging candle-lit marches, going to discotheques - we did all this during our student life too, we were students too - I know every well what kind of character students should have. Those who claim to be students - I can see many beautiful women among them - highly dented-painted (sic) - they're giving interviews on TV, they've brought their children to show them the scenes. I have grave doubts whether they're students, because women of that age are generally not students," Abhijit Mukherjee said to CNN-IBN Deputy Editor Sagarika Ghose.

Even the statement furied Sagarika Ghose who generally stays cool to demand the nation-wide poll on whether a politician should be allowed to make such statement.

"Evon I voted for that poll of Shogorika. Now onwardsh, he would not be called as shon of Pranab Mukhorjee who alwaysh ush to be the great shon of shoil. Fully honest to Shoniaji and never comment on any Indian woman," said Pranab Mukherjee.

Marking a new era of friendship, Indian government signed an agreement to swap Delhi Police with Syrian Army in 2013.

In a joint statement with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde said "This agreement will start a new era of India-Syria relation. While we chose to send India's 'Dabangg' Delhi Police to Syria, they chose to send their fearless army."

Syria also described that the great friendship will be just a beginning before major change in both the countries. Both the countries will fully protest proof and peaceful in the given time.

Syria had successfully cracked down the ongoing civil war till date while Delhi Police successfully trashed demonstration against rape cases recently.

"We want to understand the skills and techniques use to tighten the knots of notorious and demanding rebels. Both Delhi Police and Syrian Army demonstrated great muscle in keeping demonstrators in their noose," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad who was on a 1-day visit with India.

Both the country representatives released a joint statement that will provide terms and conditions for the operations of both forces in each country.

"Syrian Army has unique technique in maintaining law and order in the country. Nation requires team efforts and rebels are always the threat for building a nation. Over last 2 years we closely monitored the way Syrian Army maintained Syria peaceful. We decided that while we can learn some techniques from Syrian Army, Syria also can learn from Delhi Police. We both have win-win formula," said Sushil Kumar Shinde, India's Home Minister.

The agreement also suggests that both the forces will exchange their knowledge on understanding the psyche of rebels.

Delhi Police is in the news for its great energy and vitality in stopping protest at its root and make the people aware that the strength of the law implementation in Delhi is so much that no fucking idiot aam aadmi can protest. Recently, many Delhi Police Officers demonstrated this vigor in the demonstration against rape.

India Satire correspondent caught a senior Police Officer to know the secrets of healthy life.

"We don't pay attention to the health, that is the major secret of our healthy lifestyle. We eat, drink and sleep much that help us to keep our health strong," said a proud Delhi Police Officer who was having a glass of tea on the streets of chilling Delhi. He suggested looking at his tummy.

He said "Now it's chilling temperature, a natural protection from the tedious work that we have to do whole year. Most of the criminals like to sleep for long hours and therefore crime rate reduces sharply during this season. In other seasons, we hardly able to work, as most of the times we work only to protect politicians. Still I would love to give our own ideas of healthy life."

He said "Our day starts with all the major natural activities. Sometimes we also take bath. However, most of the time sweat is enough to clean our bodies. While our burgeoning tummies only show that we are the most conservative people in terms of consuming natural resources, they also will be major supplier of fuel for next millennium."

"We are aware that having good food such as 'free' chole bhature, 'free' chaas, 'free' chai in the morning makes sense. 'Free' food is always healthy and stays in your stomach for long time to continuously generating energy. Lunch is very simple sabzi, roti, daal, rice. We take it from home and sometimes from other well wishers as well," said the officer.

He also disclosed "This is not in public domain. But we also like to have paper in our dinner that is healthiest food in the world. It is properly designed and generally best used for buying something. This paper is also called as money and it is rich with carbon."  

In terms of daily work out, he said "Long workout reduces the life span. Keep it simple. Stay or sit somewhere for long and you will be healthier. We also keep our duties more focused towards protecting politicians rather than citizens. If we start protecting citizens, we require exert more and more which is actually a serious disaster for our health. We however, occasionally practice lathi maar exercise."

Delhi Police is famous for protesting protesters rather than crime and criminals. The India Satire identified major strengths and weaknesses of Delhi Police

To revitalize, rejuvenate and rehabilitate himself, Home Minister and ex-Cop Sushil Kumar Shinde visited a theatre to watch Dabangg 2, said a source.

"He was totally sucked up after his demands for sending Shri Hafeez Saeed got trashed from Pakistan Internal Minister Rehman Malik as well as Delhi gang rape case. He felt a low life and useless kind of situation led to a total mental disability. He was also feeling very cheap and inferior towards his own outlook leading to feeling of low self esteem and worthless animal," said the source who accompanied Shinde to the theater.

He said "Shinde kept it secret while visiting the movie, as a security issue could have propelled out if any of Delhi protester have seen him in the theater. He was totally in a mental trauma where he was feeling that he is a worm in a trash bin searching for some sweets."

The source also confirmed that Shinde was feeling like a pet animal that don't have his own brain but moves with the direction given by owner.

Sushil Kumar Shinde confirmed the development and said that he visited the movie with inculcates the x-factor inside a totally sucked man like he is.

Shinde said "Dabangg 2 is quite motivational movie and that inspired me too. It instills the arrogance and attitude, the characters require for top cops and home ministers. I also remembered my old days in Maharashtra Police by watching the movie. The movie is ditto based on my life and I am sure that in Dabangg 4 Salman Khan will perform as cop turned great politician and home minister of India."

Popular stock analyst with success rate of at least 99.9%, SP Tulsian confirmed that the gang rape incidence in Delhi and latter the protests are overall positive for the government and therefore require to buy UPA and Congress at current levels.

"I feel the government is at bottomed out levels. With gang rape protest and overall steps that the government took through Police officers, I don't feel that the UPA stock will move further down. From here onwards it is buy, a multi bagger opportunity," said expert SP Tulsian in an interview with CNBC TV 18's Udayan Mukherjee.

He said "See Udayan. I like bottom fishing. I am contrarian investor and love to put my money in the stocks which have lesser downside. With the Company Secretary Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement that he can't meet maoists gives stability to the government officials. Further, I don't feel it would move beyond this level and already sold out stock would see a bit of good upside from the current levels."

While talking about risks attached in buying UPA at current levels, Tulsian said "Look Udayan everything has risk attached to it. But right now at a price of Rs 0.20 per share levels, I feel UPA stock will not go down to zero levels and it also ensures a comfort of getting multibagger opportunity."

"UPA which is currently facing angst all over India for its unusual and non conventional policies make the stock a riskier bet," said a technical analyst, Sudarshan Sukhani.

He said "I would not put my entire money on the UPA. It is better to keep some amount of cash. While I agree to Mr. Tulsian that UPA is showing bottom formation on the charts, I don't see any reason why this could not be a blip. As there are 2 more years remaining to complete the formation, I would like to put only 20% of my money in the UPA and rest preserve cash or even buy some bit of BJP. "

Popular for making notorious statements, India's Home Minister took an extreme step and punished himself after comparing Delhi rape protestors with Maoists. Sushil Kumar Shinde pulled out his 6-ft long tongue and convinced media that as he would take action against himself he would also battle against crimes against women and would meet DGPs and Chief Secretaries on 4 January to discuss tackling crime against women across the country.

"Everyone will ask of every government… We should not go anywhere. Tomorrow 100 adivasis can be killed Chhattisgarh or Gadchiroli, can the government go there? It is because this is Delhi you want us to go there," he said in an exclusive interview with Rajdeep Sardesai on CNN-IBN.

However, after the statement was passed, Shinde who looked a bit conscious put his hand on his forehead.

Worried a bit, he said "Errr.... What did I say? I was not supposed to make this kind of statement. I promised Soniaji that I would not be saying anything damn foolish after the Jaya Bachchan and Bofors incidents. Oh Gosh! If I had replaced this tongue last month only, its validity is expired now. Oops! Rajdeep before action on any other guy I have to take action against me."

Suddenly, Shinde moved his hand in his mouth, insanely pull out his tongue from its root and gave it in the hand of Rajdeep Sardesai. Shocked Rajdeep Sardesai threw the blood soaked tongue in the dust bin near his chair.

After the incident Shinde cleaned his face. However, according to sources Rajdeep Sardesai immediately left the show and found critical for next 1 hour. After his recovery, the show completed with Shinde talking using hand gestures.

A hand gesture recognition expert who was invited to understand what Sushil Kumar Shinde trying to talk, said "Shinde wanted to tell that pulling out own tongue was the only punishment for the tongue which is uncontrollable and make statements like a rapist rapes. Therefore, to show the integrity towards nation Shinde took such a severe action against himself. However, Shinde also confirmed that as he was a very important person for the country, nature would endow him with new and fresh tongue in next 3 months. Till then he would carry a hand gesture recognition expert for his meetings with DGPs and Chief Secretaries on 4 January to discuss tackling crime against women across the country. He also ensured that he would take steps against other criminals."