Reacting to Maharashtra Navnirman Sena's (MNS) threat that his movie Chennai Express would not be allowed to be released in Maharashtra, the actor Shahrukh Khan appealed all Indians not to watch the movie as it is very cheap and hopeless.

"Forget MNS and Maharashtra, I appeal all the Indians that avoid watching this movie. It is useless and totally waste of your money. Just now I saw a first screening and that is totally trash. If you really care about your brain and don't want to damage your personal, physical and mental properties then please, please and again please don't watch this hopeless film," said Shahrukh Khan, requesting on the India Satire Correspondent's camera.

Chennai Express is going to release all over the world in early-August and was earlier thought as the mega epic with expectations of thousands of crores of turnover. However, Shahrukh Khan's appeal to the nation could make his fans rethink about the film.

He said "I don't want to say you lie. I assure you that you will not find anything new in this movie. Half movie is mine and half is copied from Ajay Devgn's movies. I sincerely request you that forget MNS thing and just do one thing never ever watch this movie in theaters, nor on dvds or even on TV channels. Forget buying tickets, even somebody is gifting the tickets consider the guy as your enemy and punch him hard."

"Chennai Express is an epic and I assure you that you will enjoy the movie a lot, as it is a copy paste of best scenes of my previous movies," said Shahrukh Khan in a candid interview with the India Satire correspondent.

He said "I don't want to give any kind of shocks to my fans and therefore this movie is similar to my old movies. I am going to do everything similar what I did in my previous movies. I will spread my hands, run behind girl, will make sarcastic and funny comments and then finally all will be well. Everything is similar like what was happening in the Jubilee star Rajendra Kumar's movies. We have copied all the best scenes from my previous movies and pasted in Chennai Express. Only thing was that I wore different clothes in this movie to show some differentiation. Just to add some creativity, Rohit Shetty showed blasts of cars and jeeps and few rubbish jokes."

After a long 36-hour battle with new BJP leaders, LK Advani took his resignation back. In an exclusive interview with the correspondent of India Satire, LK Advani shared the real story behind resignation and touchy moments of his life. He also talked about contribution of movies in his decisions of life.

Correspondent (C): Advaniji why did you decide to resign from the Party posts?

Advani (A): Things became clear for me. Somebody told me that I will have to wait for 5 more years to portray myself as PM candidate. That was ridiculous. Waiting for such a long time means losing 4 more tooth. So finally, I decided to resign from party posts.

C: So what do you think who would have benefitted from your decision?

A: Obviously, not Duryodhana but Arjun.

C: But then why did you take back your decision?

A: Mohan Bhagwat told me nobody cares my decision. He told me that I had the opportunity to become Sonia Gandhi of the party, which I lost because of my decision. He assured me stop the nonsense and take back the decision so I would get a chance again to become Gandhiji; 'Most powerful woman of the nation'.

C: So what are your feelings now?

A: Mixed! I really can't tell you. My life is inspired by movies. You can say I am a 'filmy' guy. Now see before Goa meet, I saw 'Vishwaroop' and I understood new winning strategies. After resignation, I saw 'Yamala Pagala Deewana 2' and enjoyed it thoroughly. Watching that movie really requires courage. Nobody has real guts to stop laughing, even not like me who is really serious guy in life. So watching YPD2 helped me taking decision of resignation from all the 3 posts. However, after meeting Bhagwat I understood that like YPD2 I made mockery of myself. So now I want to watch Sanjay Leela Bhansali's movie to let my emotions pour like Ganga Yamuna. He is real sadist like me. So I could get some emotional support of from his movie.

After it became clear that Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi will be the PM candidate for BJP, Congress Party Vice President Rahul Gandhi decided to work using various techniques of Applied Research, quantitative formula and empirical science to tackle him.

"I think all the challengers for PM's post, including Manmohan Singh are strong and powerful and therefore I will have to work with patience but still with perseverance. My strategy is clear, by using more and more scientific methodologies I want to achieve more and more granularity in my role towards the Indian voters so that they would understand my clear cut plan of action. I have recently conducted whole new research on Indian political science and found out various empirical evidences about the run to the Prime Minister's post.

Today, reason behind the column for the India Satire is to give my readers an idea of how I will work on the action plan. Many times in Indian social media, I found that people calling me Amul Baby and Buddhu Baba. But I wanted to ask you same question, are you Amul Baby, are you Buddhu Baba? I know even Albert Einstein was called as Buddhuchand, so calling me Buddhu Baba is an honour to me. I will also like to tell you that all the scientist minds look initially look strange species and stupidest people but when they innovate something they become the smartest of all. Actually, I didn't want to talk all about these things but I had to open my mouth for all my 90% fans in India.

Ok, now as the BJP has made it clear that Narendra Modi will be heading its election campaign for 2014 I have to clearly open my action plan in front of my fans to make them secure and more confident against their rivals.

See, I have worked on many complexities and therefore results of my entire research are quite robust. So first of all, I have gone through historical evidences in Indian politics to draw probabilities for the eligible PM candidates. I found out many people who can claim for PM's post, including myself. Then to achieve more and more granularity I worked on scientific methods like quantitative models, applied research methodologies and chemical mental balances of the candidates which took me to 4 major candidates. Then I put down my mathematical equations on one paper, used a long brain storming session with my brain again and again. Tried to find the issues that can haunt me and haunt these candidates during the elections and voter mentality and finally when I reached to the conclusion I found only one candidate against me, and that was Modi.

That made my task easier. Using few quant models, I understood how Modi functions. He will blast on me by asking how I will resolve issues such as corruption and scams but then my action plan is ready. I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Then he will ask me how I will end the issues like inflation and slow industrial growth, I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Yes, yes, tell me how will you resolve? Then he will I will solve the complex problems with foreign affairs, then I will ask him tell me how will you solve them? So in my plan of action, I will always remain offensive and smart enough to resolve his unnecessary but sensitive questions. But is he ready to give answers to firmly derived questions through my models? Is there any answer with him about religious issues? Is he ready to answer me, why there is no death of farmers in Gujarat despite severe draught? Is he ready to answer simple question, why there is no electricity scarcity in Gujarat? He has done nothing for Gujarat to get help and assistance from the Central Government, according to my models which I want to bring to the notice of my fan following.

Finally, I have put all the above pros and cons regarding various issues in the elections and put them into my laptop. When I hit the button 'Output' I got the answer which I want to tell my Indian voters. I am 99:01 heading in the elections. The model suggests that Modi will get 1% vote in 2014 elections and that too from BJP leaders.

After getting a lot of appreciation from critics for showing real taste of life to unaware and illiterate Indians, Karan Johar told India Satire correspondent in exclusive interview "That was my dream. Now I am fulfilled and ready to sacrifice my silly body."

Karan Johar said that he never expected such a great and heartwarming response from critics for showing two assholes kissing and cuddling each other.

"Wow, I didn't really think that critics and movie reviewer would melt after watching my creative take on life. I always had a dream of two fucking idiot assholes smooch each others like dogs and pigs and also wanted to show it to poor illiterate Indian audience, which has no taste of same sex romance. I am really thrilled about the response of reviewers. It took hundreds of retakes and thousand times I had to give them practice to make that scene real. Now you can say that my efforts sucked," said great director.

Talking about why he chose Bombay Talkies for fulfilling his weird dream, the director said "I always wanted to show it in my earlier movies. Even I kept provision for such scene in my every movie but our dumbass audience would have never accepted that. Therefore, finally when I got a movie which was produced by some other producer and that too meant for making it a disastrous flop I thought to go with my dream."

Talking about his caste, he said "Actually, the producer of film had very limited budget and therefore was not able to pay for big asses, which I really wanted to take. Even I recommended a big star and I also asked him that I would work for free with that star, creating the most handsome gay couple of India. But that stupid producer refused only for a paltry reason of paying high amount. He thought that the compensation to that big star could be entire budget of the movie. So finally I chose best of the assholes in Indian cinema."

Finally talking about how his movie was related to Bombay Talkies or Indian cinema, Karan said "Who told you that it was related to Bombay Talkies or Indian Hindi cinema. Fuck guys, that was totally unrelated and just because that dumb producer asked me to relate it in some way to Indian cinema, I had to put 2-3 songs from old movies."

INTERVIEW

That way he would also remove perception about him that he is fuc*ing fearful guy

LeT Chief Hafeez Saeed decided to come to India with guns, and bombs and he will himself blast in the country's top metros. This way he decided to tribute Ajmal Kasab and remove general perception that he is not deep shit ass hole that affraid of Police firing and death execution by court.

"I want to prove that I am not shitty mole which fears of everything. I can face Police firing and let Indian Police come to me and fire me 50 or 50,000 bullets. I will come myself with gun and bomb alone and will attack like a Bollywood hero. That way I will also tribute Ajmal Kasab," said Lashkar e Taiba chief in a candid chat with India Satire correspondent post Kasab's execution.

He said "I don't affraid of a shit. I want to remove a tag that I am just a mother fuc*er that is saved by Pakistani politicians just to clean their as*es and toilets."

Hafeez Saeed was a bit strong and vocal this time saying that he had the courage to lift the gun and fight.

"I can lift upto 1.5kg of gun with 20 gms of 2 bullets," told Hafeez Saeed showing his arms with small biceps.

"The Almighty told me that I have strength to face 50000 bullets at a time. They (Indian Army) can come to me each and every army guy can shoot 50000 bullets still nothing will happen to me. I am like 'Amoeba' if one bullet touches my body it would just return back from my shit preserved tummy. I have courage even if thousands of bombs come to me they wouldn't do anything. I will remove the label of being a fuc*ing bas*ard that even fears an ant," said Hafeez Saeed with grave voice.

While Hafeez Saeed told that the date on which his arrival to India is yet to be decided he said nothing can stop me. "No other Pakistani or PoK guy will come to India. I will myself come and with guns and bombs. Even if you declare an execution my neck is made of steel," said Hafeez Saeed.

By the time, Indian Government announced that all Metros in India are on high alert.

INTERVIEW

Ram Jethmalani who along with his son Mahesh Jethmalani offered his resignation of BJP leader said he is still undecided whether to retire from politics or not.

"I will join Congress or some sundry small party like Samajwadi or BSP or even Biju Janata Dal," said veteran politician Ram Jethmalani in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

He said "My son is talking with even Telugu Desam Party chief Chandrababu Naidu for inviting us to an esteemed post of Member of Parliament from Rajya Sabha. We are also talking to Assam Gana Parishad leader."

Ram Jethmalani who just completed his 89 years on 14th September said that he is not really thinking about retiring from politics and feels that this is the best age to change some parties.

"Actually, best what we like is to talk and my job of politician allows me to talk and talk and talk only. So for me it is best age to be a politician till the nature put a band on my mouth or shut my tounge because of over talk," said Ram Jethmalani shutting down any hope that we would not see him talking again.

INTERVIEW - SACH MUCH KI KHOL

Promised taking more revenge on audience in this movie as well

He is back, back with vengeance, back with revenge and back with more revenge on audience. He is there to push entire audience in mud and tell them don't dare again to watch my movies filled with high levels of stupidity and absurdity, he is back with more such power. He is Karan Johar, talking exclusively to India Satire film correspondent on his new movie 'Student of the Year' and how the movie is different than its old counter parts.

India Satire Correspondent (ISC): Welcome Karan Johar to India Satire's office. Thanks for giving us time on our cover page 'Sach much ki khol'.

Karan Johar (K-Jo): Hey thanks for inviting me. But please call me K-Jo. That suits well to my NRI audience. They like me to read as K-Jo, as like J-Lo.

ISC: Ahh.. sorry K-Jo! So you must know the rules of this page on India Satire, you have to talk true and can't hide anything.

K-Jo: Yea that what I know and that is why I am here. Talking lie everyday is ridiculous stuff and now you can see my tummy which rose because of accumulated gases of more and more lie. I would love to release them here. Brrrrrr.... and farting loudly.

ISC: Ah ok ok... Please keep your emotions in limit. You can release your words here while gases any way you can release outside the office.

So my first question is how Student of the Year is different from conventional new comer movie which were released 10-20 years back.

K-Jo: Oh not at all. It is not at all different movie. It is same old jerk and stupid story that I have just released in a polished manner. That same ridiculous love triangle and same stupid girl for which two idiots fight each other like, ah as Beni Prasad Verma said dogs barking day and night.

ISC: But don't you think in any love triangle that is the main essence. Fight for your love.

K-Jo: Yea therefore what I am showing is not different from few directors shown in yesteryears.

ISC: But in your earlier interviews you said that you will show drama, emotions, great characters, their acting and great stage of fight for love.

K-Jo: That what I have to tell for promoting any movie otherwise who would have got to see my stupid movie 'My Name Is Khan'. See I spent crores of rupees on the costumes and stupid sets which we have to recover in some way. Take example of My Name Is Khan, one of the worst creations of Indian Cinema in last say 100 years at least. But now how can I say myself that it was worst creation. And believing that audience would not think it as worst creation would have been stupidity. Therefore, what I did was that day I called American Police and told them that this Shahrukh Khan is a terrorist and came to US just to fu*k the brains of all the Americans and American Indians. What had happened next you know better than me?

ISC: But don't you think that there must be something different you might have added in the Student of the Year.

K-Jo: What the f*ck? I haven't given anything different but yea I have improvised myself with this movie. So if you say this movie is improved version of my earlier flicks then I can't deny that.

ISC: Oh improved version! In what sense you are talking? Directional values? Script? Screenplay? or artistes?

K-Jo: No man I can't understand how much a big dickhead you are. See this movie is improvisation in only one sense; a larger revenge on my audience. Anybody will come to watch this movie, will face my revenge. The audience will never understand what is happening, it will never be allowed to pause the movie and with new characters who instructed strictly to give no expression, my audience will be pissed off. And still I told theater owners to keep latrines off so that the audience will sucked off more and more. Oh that what I like to do with my audience. Wow! Suck their blood and pissed them off.

ISC: But in your prolong career don't you feel you gave something different to your audience?

K-Jo: Yea I gave them few different things first gay appeal to every next movie, pink car and pink dresses in every movie and new expressionless characters in this movie.

ISC: So please give your concluding remarks to your fans?

K-Jo: You still didn't understand, my movie is just like 'Bhoot Returns'. I am same Ram Gopal Varma in a more polished look. He sucks audience blood with terribly horrible movies and I suck my audience's blood with ridiculously useless and stupid movies.

(Laughing loudly ha ha ha…. he he he… hoo hoo hoo, K-Jo simply removed 50% of skin on his facing showing other side as Ram Gopal Varma's face. He said "We both are same I am half Ramu and Ramu is half K-Jo. He he he.... ha ha ha....)

INTERVIEW

Interview

After showing his credentials which include studying and teaching in Oxford, India's Law Minister Salman Khurshid said he was Holy Spirit and Good Devil of the world.

"I am a good demon and sacred ghost in this world. I live on marginal resources such as 71 lakh rupees," said Salman Khurshid in an exclusive interview.

He asked "Can you show me anybody in this world, who has such credentials of consecrated?"

Salman Khurshid who was a bit nervous on why he was targetted for petty sum of Rs 71 lakhs confirmed that his shit is also holy and doesn't ever discriminate.

"Whatever, I spend whatever I exert whatever I do whatever I eat and shit all is holy and whatever I am totally holy," said Salman Khurshid.

Confirming that his white hair and white clothes only projects himself a mid night holy ghost that anybody can see in the night at 12 a.m.

"Yes I am FDA (Food and Drug Administration) approved holy bhoot and not like any kind of sundry ghost from Ram Gopal Varma's movies," said Salman Khurshid.

Suddenly, a dangling, self-emulating white pigeon landed on Salman's head cleaned sat a bit there for few minutes cleaned his tummy and flew away.