After some relief from recent stock market rally, big bull investor finally decided to buy new clothes on Diwali. According to sources, he lost all his clothes as his portfolio took a big hit in a big carnage in Indian stock markets that came by July end to August end this year.

"Now I am happy, I can buy new clothes in Diwali," said Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, an ace investor and inspiration to many on Dalal Street.

He also gave a new target of 6700 for Nifty when Sensex just touched an all time high and said that it was painful month when the markets tumbled from 6000 levels to 5000. However, due to immense hot weather in Mumbai helped him to manage life without clothes.

Revealing the success how he managed to make turnaround, Jhunjhunwala said "I acted on the advices given by SP Tulsian."

Australian coach Mickey Arthur strictly asked Australian cricket team to keep the target below 300 or score at least 600 to stop India in 7^th one day international match. In a staggering revelation, Arthur said he found real weakness of Indian team after a lot of research.

"My personal computer suggested me that whenever Australian team scores below 300 runs, it defeats India. However, when Australia runs more than 300 then India comfortably wins that match. Therefore, I asked my team to contain their hunger for more and more runs against 'C' grade Indian bowling," said Mickey Arthur.

The sources said that Arthur issued a strict letter and asked George Bailey and Shane Watson to limit their temptations to score high against Indian bowling so that score would not move beyond 300 runs.

Arthur said "My research suggest that either we will have to limit our score at around 300 or needs to score more than 600 runs to save ourselves from Virat Kohli's monstrous attack."

In another important revelation, due to high scores scored by Australian batsmen, the world ignored Australia's 'D' grade bowling line up, said the sources. Yesterday night in a party, therefore Australian bowlers thanked Indian counterparts.

In a candid chat with the India Satire correspondent, Salman Khurshid confirmed that he always felt like idiot while defending UPA Government's stupid policies. Minister of External Affairs, however, asked the India Satire to maintain confidentiality and disclose it only in front of its readers.

"I really feel I am a big hoodwink when I say that this policy of UPA is good that policy is good and defend it," said Salman Khurshid "However, in reality from bottom of my heart all those policies are stupid ones and one should not believe that in return they would really meant for the welfare of people."

Salman Khurshid told correspondent "What all kind of garbage policies these people come up with. Forget policies these guys have no intention to break the policy paralysis and reduce inflation. I feel fucking whenever I say something else and I have something other in my mind."

First time in his marred life, India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal won an argument against his wife, Promila Sibal, said sources present at the event. According to sources, Sibal was trying to justify the inevitable increase in the milk and onion prices.

"When he came from his office Promilaji straight asked him stinging question why prices are rising," said Sanjay, a sweeper in Kapil Sibal's house.

Promilaji was already angry over rise in onion prices but her angst exploded when dudhwala bhaiyaa hiked milk prices, said Sanjay.

He said "Sibalji tried to justify her that there is zero loss till he was minister in the UPA government so she should not need to worry. He also told her that price rise is inevitable as the poor and deprived should get money from some pockets and that are of well to do middle class."

"Reacting to his barbs, Promilaji immediately told him in that case she would vote Narendra Modi," said Sanjay "The argument continue to go on and till Promilaji called him stupid and Sibalji ended the conversation by calling her 'shut up you communal'."

Krrish 3 producer Rakesh Roshan said that he would personally distribute Krrish under wears and Krrish rain coats on the eve of movie release.

"We will be distributing 1.2 million under wears and raincoats that Krrish wears across all the theaters in India on the eve of the premier. Both these outfits are symbols of superheroes," said Rakesh Roshan.

Rakesh Roshan said that there is a big craze about superheroes in India and people don't mind anything to spend to access these outfits. He said these outfits are for both kids and adults.

"These under wears are made for superheroes and they are very flexible. Kids and youth can wear them both inside and outside trousers," said Rakesh Roshan.

Following is the checklist/guide which you wanted before deciding anything about Krrish 3.

Things you should know about Krrish 3

¨       Obviously, it is better than Guzaarish but not better than Ra-one – sources

¨       Movie is made for kids but adults are also allowed – Rakesh Roshan, movie's director.

¨       Two 'rr' in Krrish 3 title is inspired from Kangana Ranaut's strange accent…. Krrriiirrrrrrr krrrrriiiirrrrrr… - sources

¨       Movie director Rakesh Roshan told viewers not to watch Krrish 3 if they already watched Superman – Man of Steel.

¨       Kids disheartened after they came to know about so many kissing scenes in the movie. They protested against Censor board for not cutting the kissing / liplock scenes from the movie, kids association declared ban on the movie. Police issued a high alert as intelligence said Indian kids would burn theaters across the country.

¨       Script has considered most of the Hollywood super hero movies like Superman, Spiderman, Hulk, X-Men, Iron Man, etc. The script also gave due importance to Indian super hero movies like Shiva Ka Insaaf, Ra-One, Rajanikanth flicks and masterpiece serial 'Shaktimaan', said Rakesh Roshan. Alert- Movie is not 6 hours duration.

¨       Movie is unique from other English super hero films in terms of all the family mixture, respect to Pappa, Mummy and granny, love to wife, dreams of extra marital affairs, emotional melodrama, etc.

¨       Krrish 3's Pappa (Hrithik himself) looks irritating. He has put a lot of overacting in the film. Many who watched the movie said Johny Lever would have been better choice.

¨       Movie is damn boring – sources

¨       Rakesh Roshan thrashed all the rumours that the movie is based on Rahul Gandhi's life.

¨       Shahrukh will decide sequel of Ra-One based on success of Krrish 3

¨       Priyanka Chopra tried to give sensible expressions with little clothes. Sources said first time in her life she showed her true smile and not fake one, though people still can't believe it.  Note: clothes are marginally more than the real nudity, sensible.

¨       Contest – Whose smile is more fake/plastic one, Aishwarya or Priyanka? Please give your answers in the comments section.

¨       Vivek Oberoi will officially be declared as defunct hero and useless villain after this movie. Uday Chopra plans his comeback as a villain in Krrish 4.

¨       It is better than Grand Masti and Himmatwala – sources

¨       Kangana Ranaut tried to talk in English. She gave expressionless witchy looks in most of the scenes. Caution – Whenever she shouts in the film a voice of kiiirrrrrrrrrr …, which is likeable to all vampires and devils. So stay cautious on your seats – Issued in public interest

¨       This movie will confirm Kangana don't look sexy – Rakesh Roshan

¨       Special force of makeup men called from Polish cinema to remove Hrithik's sick and ugly looks that continued from Guzaarish.

¨       Movie is better than Ram Leela – sources

Disclaimer: Movie is neither based on Rahul Gandhi's life nor Narendra Modi's life. It is neither secular nor communal. It is neither fun nor entertainment.

Talking about sudden aggression in Rahul's speeches, one senior Congress leader confirmed that the party removed a small defective part from his brain and now the puppet is ready to take on Narendra Modi and BJP.

"We recently fixed one damaged part and removed another defective one," said Congress General Secretary and spokesperson Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul in his early days of politics.

Digvijay Singh told India Satire correspondent that the repairing work was taken after complaints from regional as well as few senior Congress leaders over lacking of aggression and enthusiasm in Rahul's speeches.

"The repairing work was necessary. Now after this repairing work, Rahul has become a perfect PM candidate and would listen exactly perform as we ask him too," said Digvijay Singh.

Talking about the issues which the party leaders fixed, he said "We fixed issues related to secularism by putting some more drama in the floppy of his brain and we removed defective part called wisdom which was still there in his brain, a minor quantity of 2%. Now he is perfect and can give provocative and aggressive speeches and can also take on Modi one on one."

Digvijay Singh in his ending remarks "Finally, what actually matters is that is he ready to become best puppet in our hands. Ha ha ha."

India Satire presents a guide to Ram Gopal Varma's (RGV) upcoming movie Satya 2. This guide can be used as a movie preview. Person who reads this guide and still wants to go to the movie then go with full preparation of mind. India Satire highly recommends reading this guide to its audience.

Entertainment Quotient: He he he… Nothing

Risk Levels: Highest, carry your helmets to save your brains

Things you may want to know about Satya 2

What do you want to know?

Nothing

Who the hell created this movie and why?

This is Ram Gopal Varma's movie. Even he is searching why he is still directing movies, may be because of his unconditional for nasty movies and audience. An independent study by MIT said that it will take at least 751 years more to digest RGV's movies by sane mind.

Who will watch this movie?

Possibly, you may not watch after reading this preview / guide. RGV and Amitabh will definitely watch with few unfortunates from the film crew.

Is it a Satya's sequel?

Who told you it is Satya's sequel? This is a sequel of RGV's blockbuster 'RGV ki Aag' which he himself watched at least 100 times.

Is RGV's captive actor Amitabh working in the film?

Amitabh Bachchan regrets for not working in Satya 2. It was his nasty dream to complete at least 25 bizarre films. Earlier he was in Sarkaar Raj, Nishabd, RGV ki Aag and few more wacky films from RGV's basket.

Is it better than Mithun's 90s epic Gundaa?

RGV said the movie is better than Mithun's Gundaa

Who is the hero and why the hell he is working with RGV?

RGV paid around 1 crore to the unnamed hero for keeping expressionless face throughout the movie

What are the critics recommending, particularly greats like Taran Adarsh?

RGV met Bollywood Hungama's Taran Adarsh to convince him for giving at least five stars to the film. According to sources, Taran Adarsh agreed.

Is this a typical predictable movie?

Nothing is predictable in the movie. Everything is unpredictable like gang wars, hero dies in the end, mafia raaj, different strategies to kill enemies, cool expressions, expressionless faces making some stupid strategies that look intelligent, words of wisdom from some penniless gundaa, few disenchanting sex scenes and everything that you know about RGV's crime movie.

Who is villain?

Few ridiculous and heinous looking south Indian faces will be villains along with RGV.

What are the chances of box office success for the movie?

The movie will be the biggest hit of the year in Andhra Pradesh, said sources.

Which one would be better Satya 2 or Ram Leela?

Both are from similar genre 'ridiculous' and from similar kind of directors 'insane', so choice is yours.

What are India Satire's recommendations?

Helmets are allowed in the theatres. Please carry them and wear them while watching Satya 2. If you get bored then allow your wife to talk, it would be better entertainment.

Divine saint turned rapist, sorry rapist turned divine saint oh sorry again, Asaram Bapu who is currently in jail on rape charges said that he will follow celibacy if Court lets him go to his ashram.

"That's not difficult for the divine saints like me. We can easily switch from rapes to celibacy for eternity. If Court wants me to show self-restraint then how difficult is that. I can go and follow it in the ashram," said Asaram Bapu in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Asaram Bapu was charged for raping a minor in Rajasthan. However, he continuously denied the allegations. This is first time that he confirmed his crime in front of public.

"How does that matter? I will stop raping and would make my life divine by indulging only in masturbation," said Bapu.

Reacting to Economic Times and AC Nielsen's voter survey, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi finally decided to marry once and for all. The step is considered as a first move to outpace Narendra Modi in the elections.

"I am happy that Rahul has taken this decision. We are going to make a formal announcement in next few days that Rahul is seeking for good looking girl with age no barrier," said Congress General Secretary and Rahul's unofficial mentor Digvijay Singh.

According to sources at 10 Janpath, Rahul Gandhi hurriedly decided to announce his marriage and fix selection of bride and marriage date post 2014 elections to attract large women voters in the country.

"Rahul told us that age is no criteria. He is willing to marry from 18 years old to 99 years old girl. He is willing to go beyond 99 years old if the bride is good looking, smart and good cook," said Digvijay Singh "It will attract 50% women voters towards Congress party and outpace Modi's campaign."

The sources confirmed that such move would immediately attract 50% women voters, mummies, aunties and other ladies to vote to Congress. The sources also said that Rahul is ready for marriage has increased excitement amongst nannies, grannies, mummies, aunties and girls.

According to sources in Asaram Bapu's ashram, Bapu has made up his mind and will chant Hari Mantra till October 19, the date his Police custody has been extended upto.

"First time he is going to take some God's name," said Sadanand Bapu, head of personal relations in Asaram Bapu's Gujarat ashram.

He said "We sent him the mantra which he would try to remember and will continuously chant for next 4 days."

Sadanand Bapu said that the mantra consists of two words 'Hari Om' would help Asaram Bapu to release from the jail.

The India Satire brings you a complete guide of Sanjay Leela Bhansali's upcoming movie 'Ram Leela'. Caution should be maintained as this guide may or may not affect your decision of watching movie.

¨       Ram Leela is nothing but love story of two weird persons with strange and bizarre. They have awful looking parents who in the end kill them, ending a three hours torture of audience. In between, you will be able to watch sofa, chair, table and doors.

¨       The movie is exact polished replica of Ishaqzaade which is copied from Romeo Juliet.

¨       According to sources, Sanjay Leela Bhansali watched the climax of Ram Leela for at least 35 times and was happy that the lovers were killed. The sources said that every time he watched the climax he became more and more happy. However, he felt regret that those two lovers were not killed at least thrice in the movie by showing their reincarnation.

¨       The film is made using a colour combination of red, black, blue, grey and golden. Bhansali never used so many colours in one movie. This is first time. Adequate care had been taken that audience will not be able to see more colours than mentioned above.

¨       Sets are imported from Planet XTUV 25003, just 2760 million miles away from our mother earth.

¨       Ram Leela represents Medieval India. However, Bhansali took a cinematic liberty and allow all the characters to talk in English as well.

¨       Actress Deepika Padukone is the only person in the movie who is allowed to wear small clothes. She will be showing her skinny assets throughout the movie by contrasting others.

¨       According to sources, Bhansali covered faces of male mob which looks better than movie hero Ranveer Singh. The sources confirmed that sofa, chair, table and different sets gave more expressions than Ranveer.

¨       Audience can recognize villainous people in the movie through their black attire, black ornaments and black bindis. The sources said that Bhansali took this idea from TV serials after extensive research.

¨       Based on the movie's story, Chetan Bhagat will write a novel, first time.

¨       People yet to believe that different legal tussles before the movie release will help it to become successful.

¨       Indian audience is yet to decide whether to watch this movie or not. 90% of them said that they would watch to see sets, colours and people with weird expressions otherwise original Romeo Juliet is fine.

¨       The movie will again confirm that Sanjay Leela Bhansali is sadist person on the earth. Taking inspiration from Bhansali, Film Fare plans to introduce Best Movie Award in sadist category from next year.

Much touted by left parties, unofficial Third Front finally announced its route to 2014 elections.

"We are going to field at least 5 Prime Ministers in 2014 elections and if situation remains favourable India will get 5-10 Prime Ministers after elections," said CPM leader Sitaram Yechuri.

Left parties confirmed that they don't want to take any chances in terms of failure of third front due to internal rivalry among party heads.

"We told Jayalalithaa and M Karunanidhi that you both can become partial Prime Ministers of South, Mayawati and Mulayam Singh Yadav will become partial Prime Ministers of North, Naveen Patnaik along with Nitish Kumar will become partial PM of Eastern region while we are looking out for reasonable regional candidate in western region. So they all can collect taxes and money from people of their respective regions," said Yechury "And I will become Prime Minister of India."

According to draft memorandum of understanding that each and every regional party will have to sign said that if PM aspirants go more than 10 then the third front will announce PM for every state.

Yechury said "We will also provide mobility option to every Prime Ministers. So if Mulayam Singh Yadav or Mayawati wants lead Western states like Maharashtra they can use our Equal Right to Lead option and change the region/state every year."

The India Satire brings you everything you want to know about Akshay Kumar's upcoming movie 'Boss'.

¨       As name suggests, the movie is totally ridiculous and boring. Only watchable scenes are when Sonakshi Sinha lifts Akshay Kumar thrice in the movie.

¨       Producers clearly told reporters that helmets would not be provided to audience and no guarantee for their brains. "People will have to bring their own helmets. We can't provide guarantee for their brains from draining after watching such a stupid movie," said producers.

¨       Movie promotions have begun, the movie poster entered in Guinness World Records, toppling some mad poster of Michael Jackson.

¨       However, promotions are yet to touch some communal and legal angle. No community till date said that the movie hurts its feelings. Also no man/woman has claimed that movie's story, song, action, romance or acting has been copied from his real life incidents.

¨       The movie is not based on Chetan Bhagat's upcoming novel.

¨       Akshay Kumar added one new expression. He will give eye expression behind goggles.

¨       Producers announced rewards for predicting this unusual story. Winners will get 2 tickets of first row of the movie's first day first show.

¨       Akshay Kumar confirmed that the movie's story is unusual. This time he will fight for the rights of depressed, suppressed and deprived people unlike his earlier ones in which he used to fight for the rights of depressed, suppressed and deprived people.

¨       Producers confirmed that the movie is not the sequel or remake of 'Khiladi 786' though it looks like from the promos.

¨       According to sources, a person who saw first visuals of the movie for 10 minutes said "Boss, please stop this nonsense."

Exclusive Column - Rahul Gandhi

This is my second article on India Satire and I came here with great pride and happiness in my heart. I can't express the sense of pride and happiness filled in my heart. I feel my heart has doubled in size as I have never received such wonderful response to my speech. Thanks to all my well wishers and mentors.

Since yesterday evening I saw millions of congratulatory responses on my speech addressing Dalits. Guys like Sanjay Jha, Sachin Pilot and Ajay Maken personally came to me and congratulated for the wonderful speech I gave yesterday. I was overwhelmed by their gratitude towards me. Today I can say only one thing, today is a 'Jupiter Day' for me. Everybody, from my sweeper to cook everyone congratulated me 'Happy Jupiter's day' since morning. Mummy added more butter to my bread and also gave me extra tikhi chatney for my sandwich.

But the real congratulations came from the India Satire which also suggested some improvement in behavior of my Mummy and my mentors and therefore I decided to share how exactly I thought of those golden words.

Truthful to my heart, I have never spoke in front of great Dalit crowd. I have experience of speaking only in front of aam aadmis but never addressed Dalits of India. Therefore, I was a bit nervous yesterday. I thought what would I say in front of Dalits whether our free food scheme, our MGNREGS or something else. But all those schemes were for aam aadmis and not for Dalits. So I was depressed and couldn't really think of what I should be talking about. Then suddenly I recall Mummy's words. She told me when I was in Trinity College that whenever you feel nervous or depressed whenever you fear of any situation then just close your eyes and recall your Mummy's face and every difficulty will go away every problem will get resolved and you will see the solution in front of you. I did the same thing I closed my eyes and recalled her face and suddenly Shashi Tharoor's face came to my mind. Just one day back he was talking some nonsense that 'Congress Party needs Jupiter's escape velocity for success against Narendra Modi'. And now rest is history! 

India Satire congratulates Rahul Gandhi for proving again that he was intelligent and knowledgeable as like Newton, Einstein and Amartya Sen. India Satire always maintained its confidence in Rahul as a great orator, intellect, best leader and best of best global person. We believe in his skills more than his mentor Digvijay Singh and advisor Sanjay K Jha. Now after saying that Indian Dalit needs Jupiter's escape velocity (most of them don't know what velocity is) for success Rahul has clearly shown that he reached the heights of excellence and talent.

We thank to his mentor and advisor for helping him to reach out to current stage. We request Sonia Madam to be little rough with him and allow him to talk whatever he wants. Our advice to her is words carefully crafted are political while words which have no background are innocent. So please allow Rahul to say anything like 'nonsense', 'stupid', 'bullshit', 'asshole' and 'rascals'. These are very innocent words when they are spontaneous. To start with, we ask Sonia to kill all her ego and give him lots of hugs and kisses and a big mug of Bournvita with sugary syrup. Nation is thankful to you Sonia Madam for being mother of such a wonderful buttery kid.

We request his mentor Digvijay Singh to stop all the bullshitting and start behaving like a mature person or else your disciple will move far ahead than you. Currently he is tied up with technocrats and scientifically proven materials like Sanjay Jha. According to our sources, Sanjay Jha is a plastic robot designed well to look like as a human being. His befriending will throw you away from Rahul's close circle.

By the way we are also thankful to Albert Einstein who gave us such quotes not understandable to any common man. However, as Rahul has taken the task to spread these uncommon quotes to common man of India we greet him with our heart and ask Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh to immediately vacate his chair and allow Rahul to serve the nation and the Jupiter.

In an unprecedented event at News Hour Tonight, Times Now Editor Arnab Goswami's head blasted and blood splattered across the studio and on panelists after no one gave him the straight replies.

"It was really a sad event when Arnab Goswami's head with full of unanswered questions blasted like an atomic bomb and blood splashed everywhere. Each of the panelists who were present in the studio immediately soaked with blood and different parts of Arnab's brain after blast," said a source present at the time of the shocking event happened.

The source said that Arnab's brain was full of questions on a very serious security related issue. However, panelists present at the discussion were dodging all his questions and raised few new which were totally unrelated to core topic.

"Just 10 minutes before the end of show, his head gathered so many question and became red hot like an iron rod in fire. Finally, when Maroof Raza who was there at studio started making closing remarks, Arnab's head boomed with a big noise like dhadaaam dhoooom and all the blood spitted on Maroof's face and on his coat. Scared Maroof was immediately moved from that place and took to bathroom. Currently, we are gathering different parts of Arnab's brain and trying to encode his questions which were unanswered," said the source.

Rahul Gandhi

When communal leader and my arch-rival in PM's race Narendra Modi said something about toilets I gathered my memories of days when Mummy used to take me to toilet. It might be sounding that my choice of words are wrong but my intentions are genuine. So I used to go to toilets daily. I still recall that experience of sitting alone on that properly cleaned white colored desk. That time I couldn't understand the feeling of relief but today I am well verse of that.

So today I am here to discuss about Modi's mediocre comment on toilets. One thing I have to clarify that it may sound communal but even I used to go to toilet first in the morning and then temple as like Modi. But I think that is the only similarity between two of us having otherwise he is communal and I am Secular. So going to toilet first and temple next is my personal experience but in the government led by Congress Party, every aam aadmi has the right to choose what he wants to do first. I am sure that NDA government will never provide this freedom or right to go to toilet first if it comes to power.

Right to go to toilet is the real derivation of Right for food (Food Security Bill) that Congress Party introduced in Parliament taking a small support from its allies. If you don't have food how can you use this right to relieve your tummy in hardly 5-10 minutes? The Congress government has provided that right to all aam aadmis of India.

I know 69% Indians have no food but faith in the Congress Party. Today, Congress Party has given them right to eat and right to digest but I promise after next elections Congress Party will also give them the right to have hygienic toilets. This is not a false promise made by some regional leader Modi but a national leader who mastered in giving different rights to aam aadmis. Today I promise free hygienic toilets to all 69% poor Indians including Garib Rath trains. They will also use clean white colored toilets and experience pleasure of relief.