After some relief from recent stock market rally, big bull investor finally decided to buy new clothes on Diwali. According to sources, he lost all his clothes as his portfolio took a big hit in a big carnage in Indian stock markets that came by July end to August end this year.

"Now I am happy, I can buy new clothes in Diwali," said Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, an ace investor and inspiration to many on Dalal Street.

He also gave a new target of 6700 for Nifty when Sensex just touched an all time high and said that it was painful month when the markets tumbled from 6000 levels to 5000. However, due to immense hot weather in Mumbai helped him to manage life without clothes.

Revealing the success how he managed to make turnaround, Jhunjhunwala said "I acted on the advices given by SP Tulsian."

In a candid chat with the India Satire correspondent, Salman Khurshid confirmed that he always felt like idiot while defending UPA Government's stupid policies. Minister of External Affairs, however, asked the India Satire to maintain confidentiality and disclose it only in front of its readers.

"I really feel I am a big hoodwink when I say that this policy of UPA is good that policy is good and defend it," said Salman Khurshid "However, in reality from bottom of my heart all those policies are stupid ones and one should not believe that in return they would really meant for the welfare of people."

Salman Khurshid told correspondent "What all kind of garbage policies these people come up with. Forget policies these guys have no intention to break the policy paralysis and reduce inflation. I feel fucking whenever I say something else and I have something other in my mind."

First time in his marred life, India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal won an argument against his wife, Promila Sibal, said sources present at the event. According to sources, Sibal was trying to justify the inevitable increase in the milk and onion prices.

"When he came from his office Promilaji straight asked him stinging question why prices are rising," said Sanjay, a sweeper in Kapil Sibal's house.

Promilaji was already angry over rise in onion prices but her angst exploded when dudhwala bhaiyaa hiked milk prices, said Sanjay.

He said "Sibalji tried to justify her that there is zero loss till he was minister in the UPA government so she should not need to worry. He also told her that price rise is inevitable as the poor and deprived should get money from some pockets and that are of well to do middle class."

"Reacting to his barbs, Promilaji immediately told him in that case she would vote Narendra Modi," said Sanjay "The argument continue to go on and till Promilaji called him stupid and Sibalji ended the conversation by calling her 'shut up you communal'."

Krrish 3 producer Rakesh Roshan said that he would personally distribute Krrish under wears and Krrish rain coats on the eve of movie release.

"We will be distributing 1.2 million under wears and raincoats that Krrish wears across all the theaters in India on the eve of the premier. Both these outfits are symbols of superheroes," said Rakesh Roshan.

Rakesh Roshan said that there is a big craze about superheroes in India and people don't mind anything to spend to access these outfits. He said these outfits are for both kids and adults.

"These under wears are made for superheroes and they are very flexible. Kids and youth can wear them both inside and outside trousers," said Rakesh Roshan.

Talking about sudden aggression in Rahul's speeches, one senior Congress leader confirmed that the party removed a small defective part from his brain and now the puppet is ready to take on Narendra Modi and BJP.

"We recently fixed one damaged part and removed another defective one," said Congress General Secretary and spokesperson Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul in his early days of politics.

Digvijay Singh told India Satire correspondent that the repairing work was taken after complaints from regional as well as few senior Congress leaders over lacking of aggression and enthusiasm in Rahul's speeches.

"The repairing work was necessary. Now after this repairing work, Rahul has become a perfect PM candidate and would listen exactly perform as we ask him too," said Digvijay Singh.

Talking about the issues which the party leaders fixed, he said "We fixed issues related to secularism by putting some more drama in the floppy of his brain and we removed defective part called wisdom which was still there in his brain, a minor quantity of 2%. Now he is perfect and can give provocative and aggressive speeches and can also take on Modi one on one."

Digvijay Singh in his ending remarks "Finally, what actually matters is that is he ready to become best puppet in our hands. Ha ha ha."

Divine saint turned rapist, sorry rapist turned divine saint oh sorry again, Asaram Bapu who is currently in jail on rape charges said that he will follow celibacy if Court lets him go to his ashram.

"That's not difficult for the divine saints like me. We can easily switch from rapes to celibacy for eternity. If Court wants me to show self-restraint then how difficult is that. I can go and follow it in the ashram," said Asaram Bapu in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Asaram Bapu was charged for raping a minor in Rajasthan. However, he continuously denied the allegations. This is first time that he confirmed his crime in front of public.

"How does that matter? I will stop raping and would make my life divine by indulging only in masturbation," said Bapu.

Reacting to Economic Times and AC Nielsen's voter survey, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi finally decided to marry once and for all. The step is considered as a first move to outpace Narendra Modi in the elections.

"I am happy that Rahul has taken this decision. We are going to make a formal announcement in next few days that Rahul is seeking for good looking girl with age no barrier," said Congress General Secretary and Rahul's unofficial mentor Digvijay Singh.

According to sources at 10 Janpath, Rahul Gandhi hurriedly decided to announce his marriage and fix selection of bride and marriage date post 2014 elections to attract large women voters in the country.

"Rahul told us that age is no criteria. He is willing to marry from 18 years old to 99 years old girl. He is willing to go beyond 99 years old if the bride is good looking, smart and good cook," said Digvijay Singh "It will attract 50% women voters towards Congress party and outpace Modi's campaign."

The sources confirmed that such move would immediately attract 50% women voters, mummies, aunties and other ladies to vote to Congress. The sources also said that Rahul is ready for marriage has increased excitement amongst nannies, grannies, mummies, aunties and girls.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi's daughter and Vice President Rahul Gandhi's sister, charismatic Priyanka Gandhi made her first public appearance when whole India was talking about her role in 2014 elections. Party recently confirmed that she would attend only two election rallies of her brother and mother.

"I can say putting my right palm on my left heart that sexy and gorgeous people never enter into politics. Only some idiot, dumbasses get into this crap, I am not that kind and therefore don't want to get into all this," said Priyanka Gandhi.

When India Satire journalist asked her that her brother and mother are into politics, she said "Oh really! I was not aware about that."

According to sources in Asaram Bapu's ashram, Bapu has made up his mind and will chant Hari Mantra till October 19, the date his Police custody has been extended upto.

"First time he is going to take some God's name," said Sadanand Bapu, head of personal relations in Asaram Bapu's Gujarat ashram.

He said "We sent him the mantra which he would try to remember and will continuously chant for next 4 days."

Sadanand Bapu said that the mantra consists of two words 'Hari Om' would help Asaram Bapu to release from the jail.

Actor Sanjay Dutt — who has is currently out on a 14-day furlough from Yerawada Central Jail — has received a 14-day extension, for a health vacation. Jail authorities confirmed that Dutt is eligible for this kind of 28 days leave in every three to six months.

"We don't want it to make a situation that people will scare to come to jail. It is a very friendly place and people can come and go anytime, enjoy the work atmosphere and get income benefits as well. After this move, Sanjay Dutt will be a classic example for the nation which has created unnecessary propaganda against the jail," said Jail Constable Sameer Kamble.

Kamble said "Dutt is not in imprisonment but he is a working fellow as like others. So he is eligible for the leave as other workers. We are also going to give him retirement benefits as and when he will complete his duty in next 2.5 years."

According to sources, Sanjay Dutt will get pension of Rs 1500 per month and PF of Rs1.25 Lakh which would help him to live a comfortable retirement life. It will also help him to secure his life if his kids kick on his ass and throw him out of his house, said sources.

After understanding how common man of India is allergic about tainted MPs, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi learned few more facts about him.

"Aam aadmi travels by auto, taxi bus and train. He never uses car and airplane frequently," said Rahul Gandhi reading a book that gives detailed information about India's common man.

Objecting to media's crusade against Asaram Bapu's son Narayan Sai who has gone missing after rape charges, the ashram officials said that nobody has ever raised question of Narayan Sai's missing genital since 2004 and inability of Gujarat Police in finding it out for last 10 years.

"We had registered a complaint with Gujarat Police over Narayan Sai's missing penis in 2004. But they haven't found it till date. Forget where he is right now; I want to ask only one question why media is not covering this story? We seriously believe that this paid mainstream media is a real curse to India," said Prabhu Vivek, cashier of Asaram Bapu's ashram.

Prabhu Vivek told India Satire correspondent that in 2004 Narayan Sai forgot his penis in the toilet, a crucial body part that always kept him active and young.

"Since that day, Sai is using plastic penis. That time we went to Gujarat Police and registered a complaint and asked them to search it in a hurry but till date no progress. We also submitted photographs of his penis with the Police. Neither media nor social activists are raising that point," said Prabhu vivek.

According to sources, Narayan Sai had mistakenly flushed his penis and lost it in the toilet in 2004. The sources added that nobody knows where in gutters it lies. They also said that these days Narayan Sai might have taken asylum of such kind of gutter.

BJP has revealed a program of phase wise reduction in hypocrisy levels of its politicians in its vision 2030 program. The party has garnered a tremendous trust deficit amongst voters and media due to its hypocritical stand on any subject that critique UPA government.

"We believe that trust deficit is directly related to hypocrisy levels and as hypocrisy increases trust deficit increases and vice versa. So right now our vision 2030 program ensures that we will be less hypocrite every year and would demonstrate straight forward approach," said BJP President Rajnath Singh in a speech addressing party workers which are ready to fight next elections.

Rajnath Singh said "Hypocrisy hardly helps winning election that what I discussed yesterday with Modiji. So I would suggest you all to reduce double standards by 5% each year and clean BJP by 2030. We have set up a panel under the leadership of Advaniji which would look after the progress of reduction in hypocrisy."

Recently, media and many voters have claimed that rising hypocrisy among BJP leaders on every subject related to politics, economy, foreign relations and defence would act as major deterrents in winning elections.

In a major attack on Narendra Modi, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi said that Modi should stop appeasing Muslims and being anti-Hindu after Modi's remarks that country needs toilets than temples. Gandhi scion told India to eliminate 'developmental elements' from the country and promote widespread poverty and hunger.

"I will tell him (Modi) only one thing and that 'shut up' and stop this nonsense of being an anti-Hindu person. By showing that you prefer toilets to temples you are playing Muslim appeasement card. Till the time I have life and I am Gandhi I will protect all Hindus in India against all these secular people. I request you all voters to stop voting these anti Hindu people and eliminate 'developmental elements' from the country," said Rahul Gandhi in a scathing remark on Modi's statement yesterday.

Addressing 7,000 students in New Delhi, Narendra Modi yesterday said, "I say build toilets before you build temples."

He said "Congress Party believes that if everybody is poor then everybody would be happy. So elements that spread developmental politics should be removed from the roots and take the country to equality."  

Producer of Ram Leela, Eros International said that it would send director of the film Sanjay Leela Bhansali (SLB) to positive thinking classes or mental asylum if the movie becomes a disaster.

"I chose to work with SLB just to obey Asaram Bapu's command. Bapu came to my dreams asking me to produce SLB's next venture. Now I have produced this stupid epic I only can say that if the movie fails disastrously I will put this guy (SLB) into mental asylum or will send him to positive behavior classes," said CEO of Eros International, Kishore Lulla.

Lulla said that he experienced fall of 2-3 screws from Ronnie Screwalla's head after Guzaarish was flopped.

"I will not tolerate that kind of nonsense again. I saw Ram Leela and that was the height of stupidity. Watching sofa, table, chair and walls all the time for more than 3 hours is like taking out of all the juices from your body. Now if people would not tolerate that stupidity then I will throw him to mental asylum," said Lulla.

Few Indians with common brain and who understand simple things found out movie 'the Lunchbox' a highly complicated one. They said that the movie actually inspired by an idea of creative idiocy which hurts simple and uncomplicated people like them.

"What the fuck that director wanted to show in the end? Rather keeping the climax hanging on our heads why didn't he really try to show it in a simple way," said Pappu Pandey a representative of 'Simple Things Simple To Understand' (STSTU) organization.

Pappu Pandey said "Throughout the movie people of STSTU understood all the complications but that stupid end which put us nowhere and burdened us with self learning & self thinking criteria on what happen to end makes the movie intolerable."

Pappu Pandey said that STSTU already dumped many such movies like Ashiqui 2 for being complicated or making simple topic complicated and indigestible.

"The end was not at all necessary but the thing was to make it creative and intelligent I kept that climax," said director of Lunchbox Ritesh Batra "However, still unfortunately it was not taken for Oscar awards nomination." 

Shipped directly from Egypt and China, Rahul Gandhi is going to wear his new kurta and paijama in the upcoming rallies which will prove his mettle. The development is first reported by the India Satire, confirmed by 10 Janpath sources.

"Rahul Baba torn apart the earlier kurta woven by Indian handloom makers through India produced cotton after finding it rubbish. He said that it would degrade his image showing him some stupid person talking some nonsense," said 10 Janpath's fashion designer Robert Malhotra.

Robert Malhotra is only fashion designer who designs Congress Sonia Gandhi's sarees and Rahul's kurta and paijamas. He is the exclusive designer and never takes any outside work.

"My work is so special that whenever there is election rally, Priyankaji demands Madamji's sarees which exclusively designed by me. Even Rahulji loves my work. But that day after coming from 'ordinance' related press conference, Rahul Baba shouted at me. He said that what rubbish kind of clothes he was wearing till date. He said the cotton used for the fabric is so cheap and looks worthless on him degrading his image. He told me that nobody takes him seriously even if he was serious," said Robert "After that immediately he started tearing his kurta and paijama which he was wearing that time."

Robert said that the situation started worsening and he had to commit for better attention on his clothes.

Robert said "Finally, we decided to bring two varieties of clothes for Rahul. One firmly woven fabric from best Egypt made cotton for the reference to aam aadmi while China silk to lure the corporate and intellectual citizens of India."

BJP will bring African Giraffes and Zebras along with Narendra Modi to entertain people in Bangalore rally, said a senior leader of the party. The leader told India Satire correspondent that the party is very serious about its election campaigning and would not take any chances like solely put burden on Modi to entertain the people.

"We have decided to put Giraffes and Zebras also for campaigning in Bangalore rally along with Narendra Modi. This will ensure a value for money experience to people who would come to watch Narendra Modi's speech after paying 10 rupees. This will also add some spices to our poll campaigning," said the senior leader who is currently planning a good stay for Giraffes and Zebras.

BJP has recently taken vast land in the outskirts of Bangalore to put the animals in air conditioned taints. The leader confirmed that the BJP top brass discussed about many species including monkey, donkey, lions, cheetahs and bears but reached to the consensus on African Giraffes and Zebras after Modi convinced everybody on their importance.

 "Even Advaniji and Sushmaji agreed to the selection, showing that everything is right in the party. Now Rajnathji is in Africa discussing the entire plan with heads of Giraffes and Zebras. Both are negotiating on amount of fodder before reaching to any deal. It would be a great entertaining rally in Bangalore when all three Modiji, Giraffe and Zebra Bhai will entertain people."