Divine saint turned rapist, sorry rapist turned divine saint oh sorry again, Asaram Bapu who is currently in jail on rape charges said that he will follow celibacy if Court lets him go to his ashram.

"That's not difficult for the divine saints like me. We can easily switch from rapes to celibacy for eternity. If Court wants me to show self-restraint then how difficult is that. I can go and follow it in the ashram," said Asaram Bapu in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Asaram Bapu was charged for raping a minor in Rajasthan. However, he continuously denied the allegations. This is first time that he confirmed his crime in front of public.

"How does that matter? I will stop raping and would make my life divine by indulging only in masturbation," said Bapu.

According to sources in Asaram Bapu's ashram, Bapu has made up his mind and will chant Hari Mantra till October 19, the date his Police custody has been extended upto.

"First time he is going to take some God's name," said Sadanand Bapu, head of personal relations in Asaram Bapu's Gujarat ashram.

He said "We sent him the mantra which he would try to remember and will continuously chant for next 4 days."

Sadanand Bapu said that the mantra consists of two words 'Hari Om' would help Asaram Bapu to release from the jail.

Actor Sanjay Dutt — who has is currently out on a 14-day furlough from Yerawada Central Jail — has received a 14-day extension, for a health vacation. Jail authorities confirmed that Dutt is eligible for this kind of 28 days leave in every three to six months.

"We don't want it to make a situation that people will scare to come to jail. It is a very friendly place and people can come and go anytime, enjoy the work atmosphere and get income benefits as well. After this move, Sanjay Dutt will be a classic example for the nation which has created unnecessary propaganda against the jail," said Jail Constable Sameer Kamble.

Kamble said "Dutt is not in imprisonment but he is a working fellow as like others. So he is eligible for the leave as other workers. We are also going to give him retirement benefits as and when he will complete his duty in next 2.5 years."

According to sources, Sanjay Dutt will get pension of Rs 1500 per month and PF of Rs1.25 Lakh which would help him to live a comfortable retirement life. It will also help him to secure his life if his kids kick on his ass and throw him out of his house, said sources.

Objecting to media's crusade against Asaram Bapu's son Narayan Sai who has gone missing after rape charges, the ashram officials said that nobody has ever raised question of Narayan Sai's missing genital since 2004 and inability of Gujarat Police in finding it out for last 10 years.

"We had registered a complaint with Gujarat Police over Narayan Sai's missing penis in 2004. But they haven't found it till date. Forget where he is right now; I want to ask only one question why media is not covering this story? We seriously believe that this paid mainstream media is a real curse to India," said Prabhu Vivek, cashier of Asaram Bapu's ashram.

Prabhu Vivek told India Satire correspondent that in 2004 Narayan Sai forgot his penis in the toilet, a crucial body part that always kept him active and young.

"Since that day, Sai is using plastic penis. That time we went to Gujarat Police and registered a complaint and asked them to search it in a hurry but till date no progress. We also submitted photographs of his penis with the Police. Neither media nor social activists are raising that point," said Prabhu vivek.

According to sources, Narayan Sai had mistakenly flushed his penis and lost it in the toilet in 2004. The sources added that nobody knows where in gutters it lies. They also said that these days Narayan Sai might have taken asylum of such kind of gutter.

Rajya Sabha member Rasheed Masood on Tuesday said that he was ready to go to jail for having a long and enjoyable stay. He said that he packed all his clothes, bottles of foreign liquor, sexy romantic innerwears and few girlfriends.

"I am also going to carry few comics and books of dirty jokes. Wow, it would be great to have privacy in jail where I can start imagining different dirty and stupid dreams which I couldn't because of work pressure and aspiration to earn easy and fast money. But now I can go on imagining for entire 4 years. I will watch all my dirty dreams in the jail," said Rasheed Masood.

Masood also confirmed that he packed all his new underwears just bought for the same purpose.

"I bought new underwears of different colours and designs including cartoons embossed on them. I will fulfill that dream too," said Masood.

Masood was sentenced to four years in jail by a special CBI court in Delhi on Tuesday for fraudulently nominating undeserving candidates to MBBS seats in 1990-91. He was held guilty of criminal conspiracy, cheating and forgery by court on September 19.

The political leader is the first MP to be convicted after the Supreme Court on July 10 struck down a law that provided immunity to convicted MPs and MLAs from immediate disqualification.

Masood confirmed that he would not take his wife and kids to jail to give him company.

He said "Rather I will ask my girlfriends to accompany me. I don't want to be punished by taking my wife with me in jail."

Rajya Sabha member Rasheed Masood on Tuesday became the first member of Parliament to be disqualified after conviction in a criminal case.

India was always a passionate country about romance and love. But sometimes there are over passionate people who cross limit of subtle romance and start thinking only about sex. They are desperate sex animals who use their position and power to fulfill long lasting desire and greed for sex. India Satire Research Bureau has found out top 4 such raunchiest sex crazy human animals.

No. 4 Swami Nithyananda

One of the most controversial spiritual gurus of India in the recent times. At least more than millions have watched him hugging and kissing a woman while watching television on the You Tube. It is yet to be confirmed by him whether it is simple technique for salvation. Also this kind of technology is only available for women. One girl has accused him for rape for 5 years from 2004-2009. Nithyananda has given himself a clean chit.

No. 3 Abhishek Manu Singhvi

In 2012, there was a sex tape released of Abhishek Singhvi where allegedly he was seen having sex with a senior female lawyer. The Delhi High Court restrained a media house from publishing, telecasting and broadcasting the contents of the sex tape. Singhvi claimed that such a CD either does not exist or if it does, it is clearly and obviously morphed, fabricated and forged. Later, on 18 April, Congress party, the party to which Singhvi belongs released a statement declaring that the CD was a personal matter of the senior lawyer. On 19 April the video went public on Facebook, YouTube and other social networking sites. Singhvi then blamed social media sites for sensationalism and claimed an organised gang was involved in broadcasting CD contents despite a court injunction. On 23 April 2012 he quit as chairperson of Parliament Standing Committee on Law and Justice and as the Congress spokesperson. He rejoined the party again after Congress leaders conveniently thought people forgot his case.

No. 2 Asaram Bapu

Asaram Bapu is India's second most sex starving animal of India. Even at the age of 72 his lust for sex is not satisfied and still searching. He loves rape and asked rape victims to call bhaiyaa to rapist, give them respect, bow down in front of them and chant Hanuman Chalisa. These days his fascination is for juveniles, which are at the age of his great granddaughters. ISO-9002 approved sex hungry animal with proven potency by country's leading hospitals.

No.1 Narayan Dutt Tiwari

Narayan Dutt Tiwari (ND Tiwari) an inspiration to all mentioned above and many more in India. The most perfect brand ambassador for Viagra in India. He is an Indian politician affiliated with the Indian National Congress party. He was thrice Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh (1976–77, 1984–85, 1988–89) and once Chief Minister of Uttarakhand (2002–2007). In 1986–1987, he served in Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi's cabinet as Minister for External Affairs. He was serving as Governor of Andhra Pradesh from 2007 until 2009, when he was forced to resign following a sex scandal.

He is alleged to be involved in a sex scandal that began with the broadcast by Telugu language satellite news channel ABN Andhra Jyothi of a video that allegedly showed Tiwari in bed with three women (teenage girls) at his official residence in the Raj Bhavan. At the time of the shoot, Tiwari was just 84 years old. This hunger for sex has always been referred as inspiration in India's porn industry that is fascinated by all the above 4 people. Tiwari is also proved as a biological father of Rohit Shekhar. 

Most of the Indians celebrated yesterday night the news that Asaram Bapu is not impotent. People came on the street and started dancing and singing on the tunes of various songs, lighting firecrackers everywhere.

"We are happy that he was not impotent. Earlier I had a doubt whether he has sex power or not but now as Police confirmed he is good in it, I am relieved," said Pappu Pandey, devotee of Asaram Bapu.

Pappu said he tried to ask about that to Asaram Bapu whether he was straight and does have sexual power but he always avoid answering and once kicked him off while walking. Pappu is the owner of largest selling 'Musli Power Neo'.

"It is always better to have potent spiritual guru than impotent one, I really feel this from bottom of my heart," said another devotee of Asaram Bapu, Prem Chopra.

According to sources, all the devotees forgot Asaram Bapu's 14-day judicial custody in the celebration event.

Tired after so much of ruckus over his sexual assault case, Asaram Bapu decided to visit Mars for few days. The so-called godman will reside at his villa for next 1-2 months.

"Bapuji wanted to rejuvenate after ordinary people started staring at him as rapist. Therefore, he decided to visit Mars for 1-2 months. He will send his video clips with chants and mantras directly from the mars for all of you," as per a press release by Asaram Bapu's Ashram.

Asaram Bapu has recently accused in sexual assault case of minor. The case has attracted talks from all the sections of country and questioned the authenticity of godmen. Frustrated and irritated by the protests from all the sections as well as FIR of Police, Bapu finally decided to have some chill out picnic to some other planet, said the unconfirmed source in the ashram. He told that Asaram Bapu owns crores of acres of land in different planets and resides in beautiful villas.

Asaram Bapu's Villa at mars

"Bapuji's villa in Mars is just next to the Bungalow of Paramahamsa Nithyananda who is also staying over there for last few years," said the source.

The source said that tonight Bapuji will enter a tunnel in the back yard which will directly take him to Mars.

Former Chief Minister of Bihar and Rashtriya Janata Dal (RJD) chief Lalu Prasad Yadav announced celebration of Supreme Court's decision to stay on a special CBI court in Jharkhand from pronouncing its verdict on July 15. The party chief decided to throw 'Fodder Party' to all his RJD associates.

"Laluji asked me to prepare different varieties of fodder dishes for party tonight," said Jamnalal Yadav, Lalu's cook.

He said "I will be preparing fodder biryani, fodder sabji, fodder roti, fodder, raita, fodder tandoori, fodder kheer and fodder ice cream. Post dinner we will also serve fodder lassi to all RJD party workers."

According to sources, Lalu asked his servants to bring tons of fodder and spread all over his house so that party associates would dance on the tunes of fodder songs on fodder floor.

Ex-Chief Justice of India and Chairman of Press Council of India (PCI), Markandey Katju has appealed Indian populace to maintain peace and silence after a shocking arrest of Vindoo Dara Singh under IPL Spot Fixing saga.

"I know this is a biggest shock to Indians in this millennium. Even I couldn't dream of arresting Vindoo, an innocent son to me. Such a great kid, everybody in India loves him. But I appeal the nation to stay calm and patient and please don't burn government and private property for Vindu's arrest," said Katju.

Vindoo Dara Singh, son of great actor Lt. Dara Singh was held for alleged role in the IPL match fixing. According to source, because of Vindoo's arrest Bollywood was stunned and many pundits expect that its more than a trillion dollar shock to the film industry.

Katju said "I know it is now the make and break situation for Bollywood industry. I know Bollywood will suffer from big losses and possibly it would close down for life. But I appeal to all small and big actors like Khans, Kapoors, Kumars and others to come together and save Bollywood from this hard hitting truth."

Katju asked nation to maintain fortitude in this difficult time, he would seek pardon with higher authorities for Vindoo.

Rapes in NCR saw a substantial drop since the match fixing in IPL discovered, confirmed Delhi Police Commissioner. Neeraj Kumar confirmed that no rape has been recorded in his eye sight since IPL match fixing.

"I think there may not be any rape case in the NCR since we found main culprits in the match fixing. At least I haven't read anything like rape in any news paper these days," said Delhi Police Commissioner Neeraj Kumar.

Kumar said "Delhi Police is currently 100% devoted these days on finding out the anti-social elements which fix IPL matches. They have little time to solve low profile rape cases. However, with no news in the news paper about rape cases we think all the rapes have stopped in Delhi."

Kumar also confirmed that it is more challenging and smart work to solve any match fixing case than plain vanilla rape cases.

"There are so many links in match fixing but in rape cases only two people are involved, victim and accused. Therefore, mind juggling and brain storming is possible," said Neeraj Kumar

Simple structure of rape

Complicated structure of IPL match fixing

A source in Times of India confirmed that thanks to IPL match fixing, there is little space for covering rapes.

Indian Government has decided to outsource all the internal and external security matters from private players on urgent basis. The decision has been viewed as major reform in the security sector in India, which has been felt to be overhauled by various sections of the society after disaster in handling issues like rape, relationship with Italy, China and Pakistan.

"Boss it is fuckingly irritating. Providing security to Indians is not our job. Are we fucking security guards?" asked Salman Khurshid, India's External Affairs Minister.

He said "Our job is to improve bilateral ties with our neighbors and open up more and more sectors for foreign investments. Guys, if we keep on hanging on the security, corruption and paltry rape kind of issues how can we deliver in terms of growth and economic development. Security matters should be privatized and as earlier PM Manmohan Singh said should be localized. Let the local private players in partnership with foreign entities handle the issues."

According to sources, in a recent Chintan Meeting of Congress Party High Command decided to focus on promising to deliver rather than actual delivery, as that would be a major kicker in the upcoming elections. However, the meeting also concluded that till the time the government gets rid of unnecessary issues like rape, Chinese incursion, Italian marines and relation with Pakistan, focus on real issues such as poll will hardly come. Therefore, Party high command decided to outsource security matters to private players and focus on attracting more and more voters to vote in the next elections.

"Our first draft for 100% Privatization of Indian Security is ready and we expect that in Winter Session of Parliament, the government will present the bill," said Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.