More than thousand Indians declared dead last month due to heavy suffocation out of desperation over the announcement of final names of PM candidates for Congress and BJP. Sources said that these people were waiting for Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi's names to be announced for Prime Minister's post. Total death toll over last 12 months reached to 8751 due to this suffocation, according to official data.

 "It's heavy emotional flight Indians are facing in their internal organs," said a Senior BJP leader. He said that all the Indians are eagerly waiting for the senior leaders of BJP to take final decision on Modi and mark him as PM candidate.

According to a media house, people have stopped working and are keeping close eye on what is happening the political arena.

"They don't have any work. Just focusing on TV and watching our stupid news channels to know each and every minute information. They only want to hear Modi is PM candidate, Rahul is PM candidate," said the spokes person of a news channel.

"However, when they come to know that party is still not able to decide on making him election panel chief, they lost hopes and lost their lives out of suffocation due to desperation," said the leader requesting anonymity.

The situation is not different with Congress Party.  According the party leaders, many Indians lost their lives, waiting for Rahul Gandhi to put some larger role in the party and take responsibilities of PM.

"Yea that's true. Many Indians, mostly girls, aunties and old age women lost their lives waiting for Rahul Baba to announce himself as ready for PM's post. Many of them lost their lives after Dr. Manmohan Singh confirmed that he was ready for the job in next elections," said a senior leader of Congress Party.

"Now how much time we have to wait?" asked Sajiv Tiwari, UP based citizen who is currently on life support system.

He said "I already stopped working, waiting for Rahul Baba to take the responsibility on his shoulder. Now I can't breathe freely out of desperation for his name."

Now Mallika Sherawat would not require spending her quality time in Los Angeles just for getting kissed. Now she can easily get those mouthful kisses and smooches here in India. A non-hypocrite Indian, Pappu Pandey is ready to give her kisses on and off screen every day.

"It was heartwarming interview. I felt so sad about her. Just for the sake of kiss she has to stay in Los Angeles. WTF, shame on Indian hypocrisy. I can't tolerate this and therefore I have decided to give her at least a kiss or whatever she demands on daily basis. Why should she stay in Los Angeles yaar, just for a fucking paltry kiss? I don't want her to be homeless and wasting quality time there. I don't mind kissing her in India. If sometimes she wants to go to LA never mind, I will accompany her," said Pappu Pandey with a lot of eagerness.

In a recent interview, Mallika said "India is such a hypocritical society where women are really at the bottom of society compared to men..."

She also said, "I was the first actress in India to kiss onscreen and wear a bikini. Imagine this in the 21st century. And instantly, I became a fallen women and a superstar at the same time. There is a moral code that this is what a leading lady can do. I did everything I was not supposed to do. I made a conscious decision to divide my time between LA and India."

While many in India raised objections on Mallika's statements, Pappu Pandey claimed that those are hypocrites and he is ready to give all social liberty to Mallika. The liberty includes from kissing on screen and off screen to taking off clothes that lures her to stay in Los Angeles.

Apart from Pappu, nobody else has claimed that he will give Mallika such wonderful social freedom. India Satire is yet to receive any reaction from Mallika Sherawat.

Recalling the Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi's statement that 99 per cent of the terror attacks had been stopped in the country, thanks to various measures, including improved intelligence, India today said hard biting truth.

"99 per cent of the Naxal and Maoist attacks had been stopped in the country over politicians, thanks to various measures taken by the UPA Government," said India.

India said that she was convinced about her security and peaceful life after Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi in July 2011, addressing a press conference at Bhubaneswar, a day after serial bombings in Mumbai killed at least 17 people and injured more than 130, called for efforts to stop terrorist attacks in the country.

"It is very difficult to stop any single terrorist attack," Rahul said that time, adding that 99 percent of the attacks have been stopped. "We must stop 100 percent attack."

Rahul also convinced India that time by saying "We are responding to it in a quite organised fashion."

India recalled all those events at the time after Rahul considered on the deadly Maoist attack on his party leaders in Chhattisgarh as an attack on democracy itself.

"It is not an attack on Congress. It is an attack on democracy. But, we'll not fear from such an attack and continue to move forward with enthusiasm," Gandhi told reporters at the Raipur Congress Bhawan soon after his arrival at about 2am.

However, India congratulated Rahul and said "It is very difficult to stop any single naxal and maoist attack. But 99 percent of the attacks have been stopped. We must stop 100 percent attack."

She also said "We know the UPA Government will respond to it in a quite organised fashion, as usual."

Senior Congress leaders accused China over joining hands with Hindu extreme outfits like RSS, conspiring against the UPA Government in 2014 elections. The leaders said that China incursion in India just ahead of elections only point out finger towards RSS and BJP.

"We smell a conspiracy sponsored by RSS in conjunction with China to weaken credibility of UPA Government just ahead of elections. Otherwise, we don't think there was any need for China to take such radical step. However, our approach is crystal clear and our focus is only on improving bilateral ties and long lasting relationship with our neighboring countries," said Manish Tewari, a Congress Spokesperson and Minister in the UPA Government.

He threw light on current events in Indian politics that show government's lame approach over tackling issues with Italy, Maldives, Sri Lanka and Pakistan.

"You can't use our current weak condition to grab our neck. That is a cheating. We may be helpless, dumb and trash in resolving diplomatic problems but that can happen to anybody. You can't suddenly take the help of our opposition parties to weaken us. We know that this kind of effort needs support of terror organizations such as RSS," observed Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

He said "My sources have confirmed that China has joined hands with BJP to put us in uneasy situation."

While the government is still evaluating the impact of China's incursion over the elections in India, it has made clear that efforts of RSS to endanger secularism would not be tolerated.

Indian Government has decided to outsource all the internal and external security matters from private players on urgent basis. The decision has been viewed as major reform in the security sector in India, which has been felt to be overhauled by various sections of the society after disaster in handling issues like rape, relationship with Italy, China and Pakistan.

"Boss it is fuckingly irritating. Providing security to Indians is not our job. Are we fucking security guards?" asked Salman Khurshid, India's External Affairs Minister.

He said "Our job is to improve bilateral ties with our neighbors and open up more and more sectors for foreign investments. Guys, if we keep on hanging on the security, corruption and paltry rape kind of issues how can we deliver in terms of growth and economic development. Security matters should be privatized and as earlier PM Manmohan Singh said should be localized. Let the local private players in partnership with foreign entities handle the issues."

According to sources, in a recent Chintan Meeting of Congress Party High Command decided to focus on promising to deliver rather than actual delivery, as that would be a major kicker in the upcoming elections. However, the meeting also concluded that till the time the government gets rid of unnecessary issues like rape, Chinese incursion, Italian marines and relation with Pakistan, focus on real issues such as poll will hardly come. Therefore, Party high command decided to outsource security matters to private players and focus on attracting more and more voters to vote in the next elections.

"Our first draft for 100% Privatization of Indian Security is ready and we expect that in Winter Session of Parliament, the government will present the bill," said Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.