Exclusive Column - Rahul Gandhi

This is my second article on India Satire and I came here with great pride and happiness in my heart. I can't express the sense of pride and happiness filled in my heart. I feel my heart has doubled in size as I have never received such wonderful response to my speech. Thanks to all my well wishers and mentors.

Since yesterday evening I saw millions of congratulatory responses on my speech addressing Dalits. Guys like Sanjay Jha, Sachin Pilot and Ajay Maken personally came to me and congratulated for the wonderful speech I gave yesterday. I was overwhelmed by their gratitude towards me. Today I can say only one thing, today is a 'Jupiter Day' for me. Everybody, from my sweeper to cook everyone congratulated me 'Happy Jupiter's day' since morning. Mummy added more butter to my bread and also gave me extra tikhi chatney for my sandwich.

But the real congratulations came from the India Satire which also suggested some improvement in behavior of my Mummy and my mentors and therefore I decided to share how exactly I thought of those golden words.

Truthful to my heart, I have never spoke in front of great Dalit crowd. I have experience of speaking only in front of aam aadmis but never addressed Dalits of India. Therefore, I was a bit nervous yesterday. I thought what would I say in front of Dalits whether our free food scheme, our MGNREGS or something else. But all those schemes were for aam aadmis and not for Dalits. So I was depressed and couldn't really think of what I should be talking about. Then suddenly I recall Mummy's words. She told me when I was in Trinity College that whenever you feel nervous or depressed whenever you fear of any situation then just close your eyes and recall your Mummy's face and every difficulty will go away every problem will get resolved and you will see the solution in front of you. I did the same thing I closed my eyes and recalled her face and suddenly Shashi Tharoor's face came to my mind. Just one day back he was talking some nonsense that 'Congress Party needs Jupiter's escape velocity for success against Narendra Modi'. And now rest is history! 

India Satire congratulates Rahul Gandhi for proving again that he was intelligent and knowledgeable as like Newton, Einstein and Amartya Sen. India Satire always maintained its confidence in Rahul as a great orator, intellect, best leader and best of best global person. We believe in his skills more than his mentor Digvijay Singh and advisor Sanjay K Jha. Now after saying that Indian Dalit needs Jupiter's escape velocity (most of them don't know what velocity is) for success Rahul has clearly shown that he reached the heights of excellence and talent.

We thank to his mentor and advisor for helping him to reach out to current stage. We request Sonia Madam to be little rough with him and allow him to talk whatever he wants. Our advice to her is words carefully crafted are political while words which have no background are innocent. So please allow Rahul to say anything like 'nonsense', 'stupid', 'bullshit', 'asshole' and 'rascals'. These are very innocent words when they are spontaneous. To start with, we ask Sonia to kill all her ego and give him lots of hugs and kisses and a big mug of Bournvita with sugary syrup. Nation is thankful to you Sonia Madam for being mother of such a wonderful buttery kid.

We request his mentor Digvijay Singh to stop all the bullshitting and start behaving like a mature person or else your disciple will move far ahead than you. Currently he is tied up with technocrats and scientifically proven materials like Sanjay Jha. According to our sources, Sanjay Jha is a plastic robot designed well to look like as a human being. His befriending will throw you away from Rahul's close circle.

By the way we are also thankful to Albert Einstein who gave us such quotes not understandable to any common man. However, as Rahul has taken the task to spread these uncommon quotes to common man of India we greet him with our heart and ask Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh to immediately vacate his chair and allow Rahul to serve the nation and the Jupiter.

Father of the nation, Mahatma Gandhi saddened after reading the current fall in the rupee in 'Earth Weekly'. He expressed his condolences for the rupee's untimely death. He said that he will sit for Satyagraha in the heave to get real value to the rupee.

("Today I am really feeling sad. It was a time when I was there on the earth and rupee was equal to dollar. Today, India's politicians reduced its value to 1.5 cents of dollar. I really feel bad that the politicians not only reduced the value of the rupee but with their act they have reduced my value too," told Mahatma Gandhi to India Satire correspondent, expressed his desire to continue Satyagraha from the heaven and if needed call for fast as well.)

(Today after a long wait, finally we have decided to write Rahul Gandhi who never said a single word about Bollywood cinema 'Chennai Express'.)

Rahul this is ridiculous and shameful for a responsible person like you who avoided any interaction about new movie Chennai Express, which is drawing the attention of entire nation. You can't be silent about the common man related story which covers your understanding precisely in its story line. You have to tell the nation whether you like that movie or not so that it would be easy for us to decide whether we vote you or not.

Rahul, we all know that you must have watched a special screening of Chennai Express before it released on Friday to understand the use of controversial subject, 'Common Man' and the power of common man. It was based on the same premises that you recently mentioned to us, the self-confidence and the state of mind. However, it was your duty to give us your unbiased review of Chennai Express whether we should watch it or not. We also interacted with Congress Party leaders who said that Rahul Baba keeps all things with himself and after a right time he will express his views. However, that right time never came.

Forget the editor of India Satire but many casualties, heart attacks and faulty deliveries of babies could have stopped if uttered a single word about the film. All the people who watched it could have spared or at least could have given second thought to the movie if you had mentioned that you liked it. But alas! Deaths are not in your hands and also not in our, and that is why Chennai Express is now Blockbuster, you are sitting petty in Parliament and we at our homes.

At least going forward, keep us inform about the movies. We want your view about Once Upon A Time In Mumbai - Dobara, whether it is shit or not. Rather remaining in silent state of mind please let us know your views.

Surprised by Rahul Gandhi's two unconventional comments, Alfred Nobel has personally recommended Rahul Gandhi's name for Nobel Prize for peace and chemistry. Nobel also asked authorities to change the name of Nobel Prize to Rajiv Gandhi Jeevan Mukti Award.

"Yesterday, I read Raul's statement that 'poverty is just a state of mind' and I was completely shocked. That was totally unbelievable; a guy is talking about reducing poverty in just a fraction of seconds which even great activists and philanthropists couldn't do in past thousands of years," said Alfred Nobel, in whose name Nobel Prize is distributed to great personalities of the world. Nobel was talking to India Satire correspondent from Heaven.

While Rahul Gandhi's statement that 'poverty is just a state of mind' drew flak from opposition parties, Alfred Nobel said that one should look at the statement with creative mind. He said that if everybody will stop complaining about poverty and said that it is just a state of mind then nobody will be poor.

"I think earth should take this statement with positive state of mind and campaign among all poor people about the power of self confidence and their weak state of mind," said Alfred Nobel.

Nobel also discussed on Rahul's another statement that 'costly medical facilities behind poverty'. He said "Prima-facie statement looks idiotic but if we closely interpret it, it has great meaning. See if you are poor you will never afford medical facilities and therefore if you don't afford medical facilities you are poor that is what he wanted to say. This is a great invention in Chemistry, Physics and Biology. See what he is talking about covers entire spectrum of Science, all the three streams.

Now if we correlate this statement with earlier one, we would get a deeper philosophical meaning as well. It says that if you think you are poor, which is a proven psychological disease you will require some psychiatric help to remove such disease from your mind. But psychiatrists are costly these days and therefore people who can't afford them remain poor by mind. I think it needs a man who understands deeper meaning from these precious words and not s0me stupid critic who calls people like Raul 'Pappu' and 'Buddhu'. I understood this meaning and therefore I wrote a letter to Nobel Prize committee to give all Nobel Prizes to Rahul Gandhi and stop using my name and change it to Rajiv Gandhi Jeevan Mukti Award."

Reacting to Maharashtra Navnirman Sena's (MNS) threat that his movie Chennai Express would not be allowed to be released in Maharashtra, the actor Shahrukh Khan appealed all Indians not to watch the movie as it is very cheap and hopeless.

"Forget MNS and Maharashtra, I appeal all the Indians that avoid watching this movie. It is useless and totally waste of your money. Just now I saw a first screening and that is totally trash. If you really care about your brain and don't want to damage your personal, physical and mental properties then please, please and again please don't watch this hopeless film," said Shahrukh Khan, requesting on the India Satire Correspondent's camera.

Chennai Express is going to release all over the world in early-August and was earlier thought as the mega epic with expectations of thousands of crores of turnover. However, Shahrukh Khan's appeal to the nation could make his fans rethink about the film.

He said "I don't want to say you lie. I assure you that you will not find anything new in this movie. Half movie is mine and half is copied from Ajay Devgn's movies. I sincerely request you that forget MNS thing and just do one thing never ever watch this movie in theaters, nor on dvds or even on TV channels. Forget buying tickets, even somebody is gifting the tickets consider the guy as your enemy and punch him hard."

I always scared in those 2 months ahead my movie release. I always ask that almighty God to somehow fast forward this period as soon as possible and let the movie release first. I have never bothered about movie's record on box office, as most of my movies are wholesale disappointments and height of inanity my concern is the promotion work. I afraid of that stupid fucking marketing activities in which I have to behave like an idiot a$$hole providing some bullshit information to press about my house, my affairs, my kitchen, my toilet, my bathroom and my doggy just to satisfy senses of my fans. Thanks to my beautiful wife Gauri who always give courage to me and just because her unswerving support, I could have managed those scary 2 months till date before every movie of my life. Now I believe that somehow I will manage promotion of 'Chennai Express' too.

Job of any actor is just like a job of politician. After winning election, no politician comes back to his territory for any kind of work he promised. Actors also do same thing. Post movie release, they forget who their fans and journalists. Neither they are interested in meeting journalists nor do they want to see any stupid fan again. But experience of movie promotion is appalling. First of all put a fake smile, give interviews with many lies, make some stupid comments and provide plentiful gossip to journalists so that few stupid fans would fight on TOI or Rediff's comment section and increase the awareness about my brainless movie.

Guys, seriously I never care a shit about Salman Khan, nor does he. But this is for stupid people like you, who want incessant flow of gossip from my side. Forget that. I want to tell you one thing, just because you guys, you and particularly those insane journalists who have IQ below 5 and asks stupid questions like how did you feel working with Deepika again types, I am really pissed off. I don't like girls calling me in a stupid way like 'Oh Cutie Pie' and 'oh sho shweet' or some body builder boy who highly jealous with my relationship with my best friend Karan Johar and dreaming about me in the night. I don't want all these things. I beg with majority of people who are not my fans at all and really have productive and creative work than watching my worthless movies, please pray for me and save me from these dreadful two months.

(Shahrukh Khan is one of the leading Bollywood actors)

Exclusive Column of Pakistan's Interior in a leading Pakistan daily

I wasn't aware that Indian media and politician will fuck me so hard just for visiting country's few of Dargahs and Masjids. Guys, but you know we are not easy pigs to get cut down as you want. We have learnt special tricks in the privilege camps on handling the Indian media whenever you visit India.

Thanks to Dear Sir Hafeez Saeed who is our special trainer and it is our proud that he personally gives us training on handling the Indian media which is always running behind Pakistani politician and Indian politicians which are for no reason sings song of peace.

As now I am in Pakistan the most peaceful country for only politicians, I can convey my actual message to the countrymen and few stupid of India. Boss there was only one intention that let me come over to India and that was just to visit few Dargahs and meet some Mullahs, and nothing else. I also came to mock few of interesting that I feel. I don't know why you guys always feel that whenever we come we will discuss on peace making process. Guys! With every peacemaking talk we push some other agenda too. To Indian politicians, I feel you guys are so idi*ts that whenever we Pakistani politicians come to India we can say anything but never that we will give you this or that. We also show that we have all power to say while whenever you guys come to India you commit us that you will give you will give that. Boss, Manmohan, you forgot to tell me when are you giving the Sir Creek to my Pakistani territory. Don't worry my dear lovely Pakistanis. I ensure that whenever any such politician will come to India he will promise us that he would give us Sir Creek, free power and food grains.

By the way Indian media who told you that we hid terrorists. We generally keep them open. Ask Abu Jundal. But whenever it comes to talk about it in the international community we make faces like nothing is hidden.

Guys! Pakistan is a big tummy with digestion problem which either is diseased by loose motions or continuous vomiting. However, we avoid both the things. Indigestion is caused by terrorism in the stomach. But we are so equipped with special training course that we poo in our pants but neither of you guys and nor the international community would come to know that our pants are shitty. Come to Pakistan, visit our villas and watch our pants with dirty colours.

(Special Thanks to ***, leading Pakistan English daily for giving republishing rights to India Satire)