After some relief from recent stock market rally, big bull investor finally decided to buy new clothes on Diwali. According to sources, he lost all his clothes as his portfolio took a big hit in a big carnage in Indian stock markets that came by July end to August end this year.

"Now I am happy, I can buy new clothes in Diwali," said Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, an ace investor and inspiration to many on Dalal Street.

He also gave a new target of 6700 for Nifty when Sensex just touched an all time high and said that it was painful month when the markets tumbled from 6000 levels to 5000. However, due to immense hot weather in Mumbai helped him to manage life without clothes.

Revealing the success how he managed to make turnaround, Jhunjhunwala said "I acted on the advices given by SP Tulsian."

Asaram Bapu's devotees claimed that the Sensex was down today only because Police summoned Asaram Bapu. He said that after Police issued summon to Bapu, rupee dropped sharply affecting the equity markets.

"This is the strength of Bapuji. Police has only summoned him and Sensex was down over 3%. Think what will happen if you arrest him. You will see Sensex at 100 points level and Nifty at 10 points," said Swami Chinmayanand, Bapu's ardent follower.

When India Satire correspondent told Chinmayanand that it was not Asaram Bapu but deteriorating rupee and worsening CAD situation along with FII investment outflow were the reasons, he said that all was ok but the major reason was eroding confidence of government on Bapuji.

He said "The rupee depreciation was out of systematic risk that foreign investors calculated before Bapuji's name was involved in sexual assault case. They discounted this risk 4-5 months back itself. Now when you summon Bapuji for paltry things you will have to bear the brunt. You don't know whenever he says 'jaa upar jaa', the Sensex goes up."

Showing their happiness towards UPA Government's step to introduce food security for poor people in India, the hotels industry expressed its interest to sign long term contract with people below poverty line (BPL) for sourcing food grains.

"We are in talks with various people in BPL category along with government grocery shops for contract sourcing of food grain," said Ramakant Shetty, owner of hotel chain Hotel Durga Prasad.

He said "We are working on a proper plan to source cheap food from the BPL people. Many authorized grocery shops are willing to share 50% of total food grains supplied by government. This is a great law made for the entire hotels industry and we are happy about it. However, we are really concerned about low calories that BPL families are entitled under this Act. They require 35 kgs while government is giving only 25 kgs."

India's chain of restaurants Mainland China and Café Coffee Day (CCD) decided to open a chain of restaurant at Indian border, as growing Chinese intrusion opens up immense opportunities for food related business.

"We initially propose to open 25 restaurants and food outlets across the border from Ladakh to Arunachal Pradesh. We will offer them quality food so that they will feel homely," said Speciality Restaurants Chairman Susim Mukul Datta. Speciality Restaurants owns Mainland China brand.

Datta claimed that food at Mainland China is at par with Chinese food and Speciality Restaurants has already started campaigning of its brands in major Chinese cities.

"They can bring their families and citizens of other parts of China," said Datta "We will be ready by year end to serve them best Chinese dishes which they have never tasted in their country."

Chinese troops recently visited Arunachal Pradesh border. However, the visit lasted for 2 days only after they found lack of quality restaurants. Experts said that the illegal incursion offers huge opportunities for Indian food as well as retail industry. A recent Mckinsey report suggests that the market size across border is around $2bn and growing at 100% year on year.

"It is difficult to estimate the market size for the industry related to border as the incursion is the new buzz word for the country. However, we have done detailed study on Chinese food habits and their spending habit which gives us an awesome figure of $2bn," said Prakash Mishra, an analyst of Mckinsey.

The Mckinsey team is also working on the size of the market near Line of Control with Pakistan, from Gujarat to Kashmir.

Another chain of restaurants, Café Coffee Day is also working on plan to offer its different variety of food and coffee flavours to Chinese troops and their citizens.

"We identified this area where we feel that we can lead the market," said CCD in its press release.

The chain of restaurants clearly mentioned that Chinese habit to drink a lot of coffee would assure great returns to stakeholders and also much needed foreign currency to India.

Other food joints like McDonalds, Domino's Pizza and Starbucks have took a cautious stance and said that they are keenly watching the developments across the border and will make major announcements soon.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi's son-in-law, Robert Vadra has purchased 50,000 tons of onion at Rs 15 per kg yesterday, said sources in the Congress Party. The shocking news is likely to rock Parliament for next entire session, possibility of hauling important bills like Food Security.

"Robert purchased 50 thousand tons of onion for Rs 15 per kg yesterday when the market rate was around Rs 80 per kg and expected to go at least to Rs 100 per kg from D L Falero, a Gurgaon based onion trader," said a senior leader of Congress Party, requesting his name to keep confidential.

The leader said that Vadra will sell onion step by step in next few months at an average of Rs 100 per kg. The onion has kept in the godowns of Food Corporation of India (FCI) for free of cost, using his contacts. According to the leader, D L Falero provided an unsecured loan to Robert for purchasing the onion.

The leader said "We are not aware about the real reason for selling onion at such a low rate to Robert plus providing loan to purchase it."

According to sources, Vadra used contacts of Sonia Gandhi for purchasing the onion at almost free of cost. The sources also added that CAG has already seized accounts of D L Falero and found that D L Falero has given an unsecured loan of Rs 75 lakhs to Vadra at free of cost. The CAG has estimated that windfall gains from onion deal will be at least Rs 425 crore.

CAG Estimates On Onion Deal

The development will rock the Parliament and outside Parliament as both BJP and Aam Aadmi Party are going to protest against Vadra and Congress President.

"I can't believe that Damadji is involved in onion deal. We will raise this issue in the Parliament," said Sushma Swaraj, opposition leader of Lok Sabha.

Aam Aadmi Party Supremo, Arvind Kejriwal said "I will go through all the news papers. Collect the data for next month and after 6 months we will make a shocking news that Robert Vadra was involved in onion deal."

India's leading analyst, economist and investment advisor SP Tulsian lost his 90% wealth in the stock markets. A sweeper who works at Tulsian's house has revealed this shocking news to India Satire correspondent.

"He actually lost 90% of his investments in the stock markets due to all stupid trades. Now-a-days, he behaves like a mentally fractured analyst behaves on the street because of this loss. We still can't believe that this was the same Tulsian who every now and then used to give us suggestions. Just because of his recommendations we made lakhs of rupees, simply by following his calls inversely," said the sweeper, Rakesh.

Tulsian has said to have followed his own stock calls while investing in the stock markets. He never relied on the calls given by other analysts.

"I rely only on my strength and that is picking up best stock ideas. Why would I go for some stupid analyst to suggest me invest in this company or exit from that? I never believe other analysts who usually misguide you," said SP Tulsian in an interview with India Satire, just 6 months back.

Rakesh said "Tulsian is still not aware that his calls actually work in inverse ratio. If he says buy one should exit and if he says sell one should enter with huge investment. He never used this formula which even sweeper like me knows very well."

Great Indian musician and super market of gold, Bappi Lahiri decided to donate his 50 tons of gold to reduce the pressure gold imports in India. Lahiri also decided to stop importing any consignment of new gold to help India improve current account deficit (CAD). The development came after RBI set up measures to curtail gold imports which are putting pressure on India's financials in terms of burgeoning CAD.

In one of the most important measures, RBI Governor D. Subbarao personally visited Bappi Lahiri requesting him to support the measures taken by the central bank. According to sources, Bappi Lahiri immediately accepted Governor's request and asked his secretary to donate 50 tons of gold to poor Indians so that import thirst of gold would drop substantially. The great musician with great heart also told Subbarao that he would stop any gold imports for his personal consumption. Bappi Lahiri imports around 100 tons every year to convert them in his jewellery and ornaments.

India's largest toothpaste selling brand and recommended by all the dental doctors, Colgate has developed a new range of toothpastes which removes all teeth from the mouth of users. The new toothpaste is branded under 'Colgate Active Teeth Remover' and will cater under premium range of its toothpaste products.

Colgate's Managing Director, Prabha Parameswaran said "We are happy with the innovation and the product will be launched in the next month. This is the great achievement for the company as it is first of its kind in the world and our team feels pride in saying that even Colgate's global operations will also launch the toothpaste globally."

Company said that the toothpaste was made for people who really get pissed off cleaning teeth every day. The idea was to tap that public.

"Instead of wasting your time on immensely boring exercise, just remove them once and for all. We are going to use 'Naa rahega baas naa bajegi baasuri' as a slogan to our campaign," said Prabha.

She said "Now no issues of sensitivity, no problems of gum and plaque, even I would like to say that the users will never feel pain in their tooth. Use Active Teeth Remover and you will find your teeth will be uprooted within few seconds."

Colgate's India division has developed a new formula that eradicates teeth from their roots. However, the company in its press release said that using Active Teeth Remover once is not sufficient and requires to be used twice in a week.

"It is similar like beard which grows after every two days and requires a cut more frequently. Problem with teeth is similar, they start growing every next two days. If you want to maintain your teeth free smile you have to use Active Teeth Remover after every two days," said Prabha.

Keeping in mind the rising need of health conscious Indians, chain of fast food restaurants McDonald's (McD) has launched slim Mc Waf-o-Thin burger first time in the country. The burger will have wafer thin potato/chicken chip put inside the bread.

"Mc Waf-o-Thin burger will be available in two variants one veg and other will be chicken. The product will be made keeping in mind the aspiring Indians with immensely calorie conscious," said India head of McD, Smita Jatia.

She said "The new burger will have wafer thin patty put inside the bread with fragrances of cheese and butter. Customers can spray smells of tomato ketchup and chili sauce at the counters whenever they require."

Recently, McD has started cutting down the size of burger and quantity of cheese. While it was widely believed that the cut in the size was just to cut the cost and somehow increase the prices, McDonald's said that the decision was to restore the health of Indians.

"We don't want to make them obese by adding extra calories to our products. There was no such thing that we wanted to cut the costs," said Jatia.

Mc Waf-o-Thin veg variant will be priced at Rs149 while chicken will be cost at Rs169.

Jatia said "We have selected best quality of potato chips and added exclusive McD spices. In our non veg burger, chicken will herself become shy watching the slimness of her meat."

Jatia informed the India Satire correspondent that the specially designed product will have all the nutrients with very minimal calories.

"While maida flour bread will stop wasting time in bathroom, wafer thin burger and fragrances of cheese and butter will have zero calories," said Jatia.

Difficult to digest crappy buyout Ranbaxy Laboratories in 2008, Daiichi Sankyo promoters consumed record number of 'Revital' capsules to lift the energy of its management. Revital is Ranbaxy's energy boosting capsules and even consumed by Bollywood star Salman Khan.

"We can't believe that we have been fooled by those two Sardars," said Takashi Shoda, Chairman of the second largest pharma company of Japan.

In a candid interview to the India Satire correspondent, he said "Both those Singhs have sold us out garbage after taking all the energy out of it. Now how can we sell the crap, which even Indian doctors are not buying? Energy levels are at lowest levels among our management. Just last month coincidently we saw advertise of Salman Khan saying 'Jeeyo Ji bhar ke' and decided to self consume Revital."

Analysts expect that the development would boost the revenue of Ranbaxy in Q1FY14 and possibly it will make record revenues.

"I am strong buy on Ranbaxy Laboratories. I believe that some specific ingredients in Revital boost energy of some part of the body. I think Japanese consumption of the drug at high levels make the stock look attractive at current levels," SP Tulsian, stock analyst of sptulsian.com said.

Tulsian said "In disclosure, I don't consume Revital. Neither do 30+. I only eat Baba Ramdev's Chyawanprash."

Leading market expert and stock analyst SP Tulsian recommended buying gold at whatever price it is available.

"I have studied earlier pattern in the gold prices. I found that whenever gold prices tumble sharply an ace investor Bappi Lahiri buys tons of gold just to add to his jewellery," said Tulsian supporting his argument.

He said Bappi Lahiri who is famous for his investment in gold uses opportunity of falling gold prices for re-entry.

"He was the stabilising factor last time in the gold crash. His investment pattern similar like LIC, which supports equity markets by buying equities at the time of crash. Same way Bappi Lahiri also buys tons of gold from several central banks in the world when the prices tumble," said SP Tulsian.

He also said that whenever Lahiri magic works out, the gold prices become double in a year or two.

Makrand Deshpande's Sona Spa is in huge demand after gold prices in India and globe crashed sharply today. According to experts, people who lost their money in gold visited Sona Spa for relaxation. Sources close to Makrand Deshpande said that Deshpande even had to face outrage of many customers on limited availability of seats.

"Yes that's true. As I was unable to attend every customer, they are coming on appointment only," said Makrand Deshpande, who recently launched Sona Spa along in a partnership with Naseeruddin Shah.

Gold prices crashed today on account of weakening global growth, particularly China's GDP growth tumbled today. Currently, prices are trading at Rs26000 levels down from the highs of Rs32000 levels. Therefore, crash in the gold prices resulted in heavy demand for Sona Spa.

"At one point of time, there was a queue of at least 1000 people," said an eye witness who saw the madness of people for booking an appointment with Sona Spa.

Makrand Deshpande launched Sona Spa on March 22 with an idea to help people using revitalization techniques. He appointed many beautiful girls. However, after initial poor response Makrand Deshpande sacked all the girls and he himself started massaging people. Naseeruddin Shah works for part-time.

The eye witness said "People realised that only Sona Spa can reduce their depression from losing money in bullion market and will allow them to sleep nicely."

The eye witness also saw equity market expert SP Tulsian at the venue discovering the possibility of getting an early entry.

"He was asking Deshpande for early entry to get some relaxation after losing huge money in the gold market. He put a plan of exchanging his stock tips at free of cost for entry in Sona Spa," said the eye witness.

SP Tulsian confirmed the news.

"Sona Spa is best place where people can remove their aggravation and revitalize themselves. Even I had been there and made myself comfortable. I trust in fundamental value of the Spa and I think it has bright prospects," said market analyst SP Tulsian.

Tulsian said that he bought 100kg gold at Rs 32000 levels after he received SMS from commodity tipper saying that gold would touch 50000 rupees in 2 months.

"Yea that was the wrong call. It was first time that I had not trusted on my own fundamental idea. I was feeling that gold could have touched Rs 10000 levels but still I believed on tip. Now I can't even average it out," said Tulsian.

However, he thanked Sona Spa for helping him getting rid of his frustration.

Skinny actor Deshpande said "My idea behind launching Sona Spa was only public welfare. Sona hai toh sona hai. Tagline of my Sona Spa is 'You can buy your sleep here'."

He said "It was difficult to manage depression from losing 10-20% value in gold. Sona Spa takes care of your frustration and helps you out to become comfortable. I myself give you good massage and relaxation treatment as all lady attendant left the Spa for non-payment of salary."

Sony has developed new earphones for its mobile to radio devices which improves hearing ability of user by twice he has, according to the company press release.

"We have developed special kind of earphones under our program 'Ear Empowerment'. I want to congratulate the engineering team which developed such a wonderful product that is good for entire humanity. Regular use of these earphones improves hearing capacity by twice. Now you can even hear what a special cute girl near you talking in her mind. Yea but the condition is she should talk loud in her mind," said Sony Corp Chairman Sir Howard Stringer.

Talking about the earphones in detail, he said "Daily use of these earphones develops a white mucus in the ears. The mucus has ability to clean ears and improves power of hearing. More and more listening of songs, especially loud and clamorous like dog is barking or sound of krrrrrrrrr.... would start improvement faster and you can see expected results in 15 days."

Sony Corporation is a leading electronics maker and manufactures Television, mobile handsets, radios, DVD players, etc. The company tried to answer criticisms that has persistently made on music industry that using earphones is bad for ears.

"That is bullshit. These earphones are good for actually ears. Only caution you have to take is that keep these earphones at least for 21 hours in a day," said Mr. Stringer.

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

After announcing its plans for 2G auction by March 31, 2013, the government said that it would again-and-again take 2G auctions till the economic recession and telecom slowdown ends. Just when the booming period would be back the government would again issue telecom spectrum on first-cum-first-serve basis.

"By the time our telecom slowdown ends and more and more such flop shows of 2G auction, we will start alloting spectrum on first-cum-first-serve basis, a policy that guided by Hon. Ex-Telecom Minister A Raja," said Telecom Minister Kapil Sibal.

The development came after, earlier 2G auction lasted just two days, got total bids worth Rs 9,407.64 crore, just one-third of the minimum Rs 28,000 crore the government was expecting.

Sibal said "We are aware that CAG would again make some stupid calculations. But for the time being, these auctions would be good enough to slap how we fool on the face of CAG and Supreme Court."

Senior leader and UPA Minister, Manish Tewari said "I earlier asked the question where is Rs 176,000 crore to CAG. Nobody in the government has such a great amount of power to ask such question. Now I tell you CAG come and make these auctions successful. By the time we would complete our recessionary phase, we will back to first come policy."

India's Finance Minister P Chidambaram told India Satire correspondent "Anybody can put a dagger on UPA's shoulder but neither fiscal deficit nor inflation has guts to stop us from our policies."

NEWS IN BRIEF - BUSINESS

India's largest bank, State Bank of India was another who filed a legal suit on Arvind Kejriwal for making an irresponsible statement.

"How can he make such statement? We are the largest bank in India and we have so many customers who just require following a small 2-3 hour cue to open an account. Tell me, how much time it will require to go to Switzerland and open an account? Just making such irresponsible statements would not be done," said SBI's Chairman Pratip Chaudhuri.

Arvind Kejriwal claimed in his press conference that opening an account in SBI is much more difficult than opening an account in a Swiss bank.

According to sources, information that Kejriwal was going to make the statement on SBI was leaked and therefore despite of good quarterly earnings, the stock price fell down sharply.