Divine saint turned rapist, sorry rapist turned divine saint oh sorry again, Asaram Bapu who is currently in jail on rape charges said that he will follow celibacy if Court lets him go to his ashram.

"That's not difficult for the divine saints like me. We can easily switch from rapes to celibacy for eternity. If Court wants me to show self-restraint then how difficult is that. I can go and follow it in the ashram," said Asaram Bapu in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Asaram Bapu was charged for raping a minor in Rajasthan. However, he continuously denied the allegations. This is first time that he confirmed his crime in front of public.

"How does that matter? I will stop raping and would make my life divine by indulging only in masturbation," said Bapu.

Showing their adamant behavior towards adjustment or change, few people said that they still feel doing job is shitty and fucking awful thing.

"What the fuck yaar? I still don't know till when I am going to come to this shitty hole and do some stupid work which only an ass hole does. I don't understand why the hell not money never grows on the trees? Why the hell we require coming to the shithole of our boss for earning some small buck and allow him to piss on ourselves?" a technocrat Jayesh Mishra made this shocking statement in front of his highly dedicated and ambitious colleagues.

According to sources, his colleagues who were present at the event shocked and amazed with Jayesh's statement. However, they confirmed that Jayesh was neither gone insane nor he consumed a bottle of liquor.

"He was fully under control, still passed such a bizarre statement. We were literally shocked when Jayesh made this statement. We thought in last 2 years he might have adjusted to his work but this was totally disgusting. He still thinks job is fucking thing, how ridiculous he is," said Neha Sharma, Jayesh's colleague.

According to experts, there are still few people in India which have not adjusted to the job life. They said that the process is going on and India will definitely see a new generation which loves working hard for 20 hours a day at their job places.

"Yes there are still a few people; you can say they are in thousands which are not yet fully converted into bulls and donkeys. That process is going on. In my view, case of Jayesh is not isolated and few others are still in private curse and abuse job life and their bosses," said Pankaj Mohopatra, an expert who tracks job market very closely.

Mohopatra said "People like Jayesh are exhausted, less ambitious, more stubborn and totally idiots who never recognized how much jobs offer them in terms of opportunities. It is always been better to remain an ass hole rather than doing nothing."

According to sources in Asaram Bapu's ashram, Bapu has made up his mind and will chant Hari Mantra till October 19, the date his Police custody has been extended upto.

"First time he is going to take some God's name," said Sadanand Bapu, head of personal relations in Asaram Bapu's Gujarat ashram.

He said "We sent him the mantra which he would try to remember and will continuously chant for next 4 days."

Sadanand Bapu said that the mantra consists of two words 'Hari Om' would help Asaram Bapu to release from the jail.

A recently joined 23 year old trainee who was also extra caring and funny towards her boss finally dumped him by calling 'Uncle' after she received her permanent letter, said the office sources. The sources confirmed that the boss was happiest person for last 3 months of her probation.

"I was a happiest person in the world when she showed her extra care, her love and affection towards me which neither my wife nor my mummy ever showed. She was a bit pushy towards my health and habits, watching films and going to restaurants for a perfect dinner. Whenever I was with her I saw jealousy in the eyes of others, including my staff. That period was so beautiful that I really started thinking about how I would manage 2 wives or would I require divorcing my earlier one. But now my dreams are shattered in pieces," confirmed boss.

Boss said with wet eyes "How can she ridicule me by calling uncle? Just till yesterday she used to address me directly by my name and today when I gave her permanent letter she told me 'Thank you uncle' (throat choked)."

According to sources, few office boys and back office staff which had a close watch on the developments immediately started attracting that loving and caring girl. The sources also confirmed that the perception of the staff towards boss also changed. Few over aged aunties these days started giving him extra care.

"The boy sits next to her has gotten a decent chance since he was a funny and also with deep pockets," said peon Ram Prasad who also tried his luck but couldn't succeed.

Objecting to media's crusade against Asaram Bapu's son Narayan Sai who has gone missing after rape charges, the ashram officials said that nobody has ever raised question of Narayan Sai's missing genital since 2004 and inability of Gujarat Police in finding it out for last 10 years.

"We had registered a complaint with Gujarat Police over Narayan Sai's missing penis in 2004. But they haven't found it till date. Forget where he is right now; I want to ask only one question why media is not covering this story? We seriously believe that this paid mainstream media is a real curse to India," said Prabhu Vivek, cashier of Asaram Bapu's ashram.

Prabhu Vivek told India Satire correspondent that in 2004 Narayan Sai forgot his penis in the toilet, a crucial body part that always kept him active and young.

"Since that day, Sai is using plastic penis. That time we went to Gujarat Police and registered a complaint and asked them to search it in a hurry but till date no progress. We also submitted photographs of his penis with the Police. Neither media nor social activists are raising that point," said Prabhu vivek.

According to sources, Narayan Sai had mistakenly flushed his penis and lost it in the toilet in 2004. The sources added that nobody knows where in gutters it lies. They also said that these days Narayan Sai might have taken asylum of such kind of gutter.

According to a report by French Institute of Demographic Studies, or Ined there will be only Indian population on the earth in year 3550. The report said the world population will grow by 1000 billion people over next 1537 years and all addition of human species will come from India while people from other countries would be vanished totally.

The reports said that all the 1007 billion Indians would occupy both sea and earth and would be sleeping on each other like layers are formed. The report also stated that the Indians would give themselves award of fastest growing population in the world. 

Social activist Anna Hazare decided to change his name to Anna Gandhi so that the UPA Government will pass the bill. Anna Hazare made this announcement late night yesterday.

"I am Anna Gandhi today onwards, right from this time," roared Anna Hazare in front of lakhs of his followers yesterday night "I ask the cabinet committee of ministers to stop this 'nonsense' and introduce a stronger Jan Lokpal Bill in the next Parliamentary session."

Sources from Ralegan Siddhi said Anna Hazare had inspired from Rahul Gandhi who influenced Government's decision on passing an ordinance to protect convicted member of parliaments. The Gandhi scion recently called the ordinance as 'nonsense' and said that he would never buy the shit given by cabinet ministers including India's Prime Minister. Gandhi's scathing remarks hurt government which reversed its earlier decision. However, sources said that the Congress Party planned the entire drama to show that Rahul is not just a buttery baby but has grown up since past few days.

"That is what the government was interested in showing. Rahul's Raudra Avatar," said political analyst, in Delhi.

However, Anna Hazare's step to change his surname was a big shock to UPA government which didn't expect such an extreme move from the social activist.

"We can fight the idea of satyagraha or fast-unto-death activities but fighting a Gandhi surname is impossible for us," said Law Minister Kapil Sibal "There is no provision in law for disagreeing the orders of Gandhis."

Kapil Sibal confirmed "If Annaji has changed his surname from Hazare to Gandhi then we have no option but to bring 'strong Jan Lokpal Bill' in the parliament and take care to sail it through comfortably."

PM Dr. Manmohan Singh kept mum on the topic but said that he would be fine even if Anna Gandhi asks him to work as his steno after next elections.

Office located in Delhi came under severe depression as the only beautiful lady resigned from her job. The entire office, which includes its walls, furniture, computers and air conditioners, expressed its sadness on the sexy girl's resignation and one-month notice.

"We will feel dry and fry whenever she leaves the organization. I can't find any solution to overcome my grim," said PC-11, a computer which directly faces her. The computer always used to stare at the girl whenever she focuses on her work.

"I will miss her beautiful fingers which were gently typing my keyboard like caressing some butter. I was most envied computer but now I would be most unfortunate one," said sobbing and crying PC-11.

The wall which was just opposite the girl's deck said that it also feels that the girl's resignation will increase the dryness of the office.

The wall said "I witnessed people were staring at her while she was staring at me, thinking something. I was the only place which gave her so many ideas. Now I don't know who will come on her place or it would remain empty."

Air conditioner which was the closest to the girl said that it would be saddest day whenever she leaves the office.

"Touching her beautiful face with my delicate breeze and having a cool and bubbly chat with her for throughout the day was such a lovely experience. I was always been naughty with others but gentle with that lovely chick. I was flirt with other girls and ladies in the office but truly romancing with her. But now I don't know how I would manage to stay in the office," said the air conditioner.

"I had always been a thirsty to see her whenever she came to meet the boss," said Boss's cabin "I used to see her like someday she would ask me to come to date. But gosh! That day never came. Many times I indicated her that I feel lonely in spite of such a big family and wanted to one friend which can be mine always. But she never understood. I think she used to see me like an old age guy who could only be respected."

Another computer PC-15 which was handled by her colleague said "I was in love with her beautiful face and really sexy figure. Just because of continuous focus on her I was lacking in productivity. My RAM was using 90% memory on her while rest was just behaving as I was working. But now I don't know how I will manage to do that 10% work as well. I will miss her so much that my 100% RAM utilization would continuously watch at her empty chair hoping that she would come again."

Indian matrimonial sites such as shaadi.com, bharatmatrimony.com and jeevansaathi.com are planning to offer free health insurance coverage to bride and groom. The offers will be a part of completing entire range of marriage related services.

"Health insurance is a byproduct of marriage and it is must required for both the bride and the groom," said Anupam Mittal of shaadi,com who is in talks with Reliance General Insurance for offering free health insurance scheme.

Experts said that the matrimonial sites are going to cover the married couple from the harmful impacts of marriage. The harmful impacts are out of rising tensions, ego problems and various other factors which create issues between the couple. According to few surveys, there is hardly any happily married couple found.

"This is a welcome step and I believe that it would be life saver too. Had it been with me 30 years back I would have got the greatest of treatments on my health after nuisance created by my wife. But doesn't matter, my son will use it," said Akhilesh Yadav, a resident of Lucknow who is willing to marry again if the facility is provided for his age.

According to sources, the government is planning to add a slogan with matrimonial sites that 'marriages are injurious to health'.

According to sources in Samajwadi Party, son of Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav Arjun Yadav has started his studies on how to recognize communal forces and portray himself as secular messiah.

"Akhilesh's son Arjun is undergoing through a rigorous training of recognizing communal forces and understanding their psyche. He is also learning how to divert topic by claiming it as anti-secular that is uneasy for him. Mulayamji personally teaching him how to show himself as only caretaker of secularism," said a source, familiar to development.

The sources also told that after Arjun Yadav completes his studies, Akhilesh wants him to participate in Arnab Goswami's News Hour debate.

"That will be Arjun's real test. Dodging Arnab's questions and polarizing the entire debate would give him 100% marks. However, Mulayamji has already given him clean chit before he completed his studies as like Akhilesh Yadav got it from him after Muzaffarnagar riots," said the source. 

The India Satire brings to its readers in Muzaffarnagar a guide on passing time when curfew is on. This guide can be used as a reference material by all other people in India.

Things to do

·         Make up your mind to watch bullshit on TV like pro-women serials. India Satire recommends testing brain with psychiatrist if you watched serials on consistent basis whenever curfew is removed. Male chauvinists may cause headache for women.

·         Sleep till 10 am and watch movies that you have watched 1000 times. Abuse TV channels for showing repetitive movies and a lot of advertisements.

·         Call subordinates, lecture them on how to be devoted on work and reach office despite having curfew.

·         Nothing new in news papers. Just yawn while reading Manmohan's silence, Modi's shouts and Rahul's dumb speeches.

·         Discuss various political issues on phone.

·         Think how Akhilesh Yadav wasted precious time in your productive schedule during a small bit of rest in the afternoon.

·         Irritate while eating Khichadi almost everyday.

Positives

·         Rest till 10 -11 am.

·         Watch movies

Negatives

·         Watching TV serials

·         Playing with kids

·         Eating same food everyday

·         Office boss is better than wife

·         Some people, particularly newlywed are overburdened with the work like cooking, cleaning and pampering their wife.

According to a KPMG-TOI study, 90% useless people with no work or no intention to work are involved in riots. The study says that these people generally have sufficient time to waste it in riots. The study has importance at the time of current Mujaffarnagar communal riots.

"Our study findings are in line with the macro study of behavioral science of Indian voters conducted by PCI Chief Markandeya Katju. The study reveals that 90% of people involved in riots are useless and likes wasting their precious time in worthless things like communal clashes," said BC Rajan, study conductor.

He said that people indulged in communal clashes are actually considered as useless; however, they call themselves smart and invaluable. Rajan said that the study has used few landmark findings of Markandeya Katju's independent research that says 90% of Indians vote based on castes and religions.

"We asked many people who said that they are actually smarter than ordinary peace loving Indians and think all the problems will be resolved with creating nostalgic environment in the society," said Rajan.

Rajan said that 98% of 90% useless people are related to political parties or religious associations. 

Many Indians found resemblance to P Chidambaram's position to DG Vanzara. While they are aware that P Chidambaram is not in jail, they also believe that Chidambaram would have felt good if he was in jail.

"Ditto situation! Whatever Vanzara said in the letter about fake encounters, same thing is happening with P Chidambaram in rupee's fall and country's deteriorating economic conditions. Don't know when he will resign from his job," said Pappu Pandey, a Mumbai based Equity Analyst.

Experts said that recent fall in rupee from 55 to 68 have mostly been blamed on P Chidambaram apart from policy paralysis of the government. Therefore, they expect him to resign anytime soon.

"He may resign from his post, blaming rupee's fall on Manmohan Singh, Sonia Gandhi and possibly Narendra Modi. I know he would never want to be at same post if UPA Government gets third chance," said Political expert Yogendra Yadav.

India Satire correspondent's query to P Chidambaram was unanswered.

Most of the Indians celebrated yesterday night the news that Asaram Bapu is not impotent. People came on the street and started dancing and singing on the tunes of various songs, lighting firecrackers everywhere.

"We are happy that he was not impotent. Earlier I had a doubt whether he has sex power or not but now as Police confirmed he is good in it, I am relieved," said Pappu Pandey, devotee of Asaram Bapu.

Pappu said he tried to ask about that to Asaram Bapu whether he was straight and does have sexual power but he always avoid answering and once kicked him off while walking. Pappu is the owner of largest selling 'Musli Power Neo'.

"It is always better to have potent spiritual guru than impotent one, I really feel this from bottom of my heart," said another devotee of Asaram Bapu, Prem Chopra.

According to sources, all the devotees forgot Asaram Bapu's 14-day judicial custody in the celebration event.

Showing their happiness towards UPA Government's step to introduce food security for poor people in India, the hotels industry expressed its interest to sign long term contract with people below poverty line (BPL) for sourcing food grains.

"We are in talks with various people in BPL category along with government grocery shops for contract sourcing of food grain," said Ramakant Shetty, owner of hotel chain Hotel Durga Prasad.

He said "We are working on a proper plan to source cheap food from the BPL people. Many authorized grocery shops are willing to share 50% of total food grains supplied by government. This is a great law made for the entire hotels industry and we are happy about it. However, we are really concerned about low calories that BPL families are entitled under this Act. They require 35 kgs while government is giving only 25 kgs."

Tired after so much of ruckus over his sexual assault case, Asaram Bapu decided to visit Mars for few days. The so-called godman will reside at his villa for next 1-2 months.

"Bapuji wanted to rejuvenate after ordinary people started staring at him as rapist. Therefore, he decided to visit Mars for 1-2 months. He will send his video clips with chants and mantras directly from the mars for all of you," as per a press release by Asaram Bapu's Ashram.

Asaram Bapu has recently accused in sexual assault case of minor. The case has attracted talks from all the sections of country and questioned the authenticity of godmen. Frustrated and irritated by the protests from all the sections as well as FIR of Police, Bapu finally decided to have some chill out picnic to some other planet, said the unconfirmed source in the ashram. He told that Asaram Bapu owns crores of acres of land in different planets and resides in beautiful villas.

Asaram Bapu's Villa at mars

"Bapuji's villa in Mars is just next to the Bungalow of Paramahamsa Nithyananda who is also staying over there for last few years," said the source.

The source said that tonight Bapuji will enter a tunnel in the back yard which will directly take him to Mars.

Nation said it is bored with same topics discussed over last 2 years and wants something new. The nation has sent a 5 page letter to the UPA Government asking it to decide new topics to be discussed over next 2 years.

"2013 is really a difficult year for the nation. Nothing new has happened during the year except drastic fall in the discussion over Sachin Tendulkar's retirement. However, same age old stories on corruption, crime, rape, terrorism, cross-border activities and Parliamentary disruptions jaded him throughout the year," said Pappu Pandey, a representative of nation to India Satire correspondent.

Pandey claimed that nation now wants something new and juicy. He said that the nation has written a 5-page letter to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to include topics which are more entertaining than 3Cs, corruption, crime and communalism for discussion.

"If I am right then I feel that the nation was suggesting something positive it wants to hear for next few years," said Pandey. 

Ex-Investment Banker Pappu Pandey finally receives his Blue Ration card that will help him in claiming benefits of food security scheme. Pappu Pandey left his high paid job and had applied for the below poverty line (BPL) status in April 2013.

"Thanks to my municipal corporator who helped me getting precious 'Blue Ration card' (indication of poorest of poor person) for just 25000 rupees. Now I can enjoy unstoppable esteemed service of Government and middle class Indians throughout my life," said Pappu Pandey.

Pappu said he is very happy as entire middle class in the nation along with rich people will work for him.

"That's a great feeling. I never wanted to work and waste my time to bring sweat to my body. It was great idea that somebody is working for me so that I will not sleep empty stomach. I would love to remain as a poor for rest of my life," said Pandey.

Talking about the entire process, Pappu Pandey said "It is very easy process. I transferred my properties to a charitable trust owned by my maid. I resigned from my job and met our municipal corporator who guaranteed me that blue ration card would get for around 25000 rupees. Now I have it. I initially thought to transfer my residential address to footpath but corporator said that it was not necessary. He also told me to construct a slum so that I will get free residence as well."

Pandey also suggested the ideas like marriage with servant will help in applying for blue ration card.

The UPA government had recently thrashed the idea of creating more and more jobs and attracting investments in various industries as a very long route to empower poor. The government said that food security bill will shorten the duration of sharing ultimate benefits to poor.

"We are more conclusive this time. Why waste energy in creating employment and attract investment? It is always easier and shorter route to channelize money from one's pocket to poor. See with this policy the poor will get food without doing anything. So rather than asking him to work and earn money for food we will directly put it in his pocket so what is the harm in this policy," said Food Minister KV Thomas.

However, Thomas expressed concerns over BJP stalling Parliament to stop the bills to be introduced. But Pappu Pandey said that now he is not worried about when bill will be passed in the Parliament as he knows till the Congress Party exists in India, pro-poor policies will continue forever.

"Thanks to Congress Party and its Bharat Nirmaan project, now I am eligible for food security. I am not worried about BJP's time pass in the Parliament because I know that someday the bill will be passed and I will get food for almost free of cost," said Pappu Pandey.

UPA Government is planning to bring 'Law against people with Anti-Poor sentiments' that will enable Indian law makers to punish people who oppose any of government's policies. According to sources, UPA ministers have passed the bill in the cabinet and likely to bring ordinance before winter session of Parliament.

"This is fuck! Any roadside guy comes on media and bashes on government's policies which are always pro-poor. Rather than getting appreciation, these people call us corrupt and stupid for introduction of such policies. That's rubbish. Now we are making it compulsory to all Indians and foreigners to appreciate our policies otherwise face the severe punishment under Law for Anti-Poor," said Telecom Minister Kapil Sibal.

According to sources, Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi set up a high level commission under Kapil Sibal, Salman Khurshid and Ajay Maken to study whether the government can stop anti-poor elements from bashing on government's policies. The sources said that Congress Party is the only party in the world that has synchronized its work with Indian poor for past 60 years. However, the government thinks that some stupid media channels and self called experts and intellectuals had always underrated its policies.

"Nobody in the history of mankind has served poor with so much of flawless love and dedication as much as Congress did. We want to continue to serve poor for at least next 1000 years. Madamji wants to give poor so much of comfort and free money that he would never say he wants to become rich. She wants a situation that poor would like to remain a poor for life. As Rahulji correctly said being poor is just a state of mind and that what we strive to change, we want to change the state of mind of poor," said Ajay Maken.

Maken said "But we have faced severe opposition from people who sits in AC cabin and had never visited poor man's house what Rahulji usually does. Therefore, finally we decided to bring this legislation so that poor will not remain deprived of UPA government's policies."

According to sources, the Act has provision of severe punishment to accused who opposes government's policies in public using his mouth or in his mind by using thought or in his brain through idea. The Act has also included punishment to opposition party leaders who always tried to stand still UPA's pro-poor policies.

"Just yesterday I showed photos of two poor people to Madamji and what I found was tears coming out of her eyes. Now enough is enough, we can't wait to implement this law. Whoever now will oppose her visionary ideas will be considered as anti-poor," said Salman Khurshid.