Former South Africa Cricket Captain and banned cricketer in match fixing saga in early 2000s, Hansie Cronje is planning to return to earth from his current stay in hell. The captain said that current rates of match fixing are so lucrative and he can't wait now to grab the fastest growing pie.

"Boss just 1.2 crore rupees and fuck that too in rupees which is now worth like trash. Nobody is taking crap rupee from me here in the hell. You don't know how much degraded I feel these days. Even the supplementary guys like Sreesanth are getting good money then why the fuck I stay in the hell. I have applied for visa for earth and sooner or later I will be there in IPL," said Cronje in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Cronje left his sinful body in 2002, after he was banned from Cricket for match fixing in 2000 just for paltry 1.2crore rupees. IPL, an official match fixing platform of BCCI did not exist that time. Cronje recently abused BCCI for backstabbing in the leading news paper from the hell 'The Hell Times Of India' (THTOI).

He said "BCCI backstabbed me. It invented proper match fixing process through IPL after my death. Are you aware how much money I lost?"

Analysis of the India Satire Research Bureau suggests that there is every reason for BCCI to benefit from IPL betting and match fixing, as like WWE in the USA.

Salient points which suggest why BCCI ideally should be involved in match fixing

1.     Betting in IPL 6 reached to Rs47,000 crore from Rs 43,000 crore a year earlier. Why would BCCI loose such a lucrative opportunity? Even a 10% fees from betting makes it a billion dollar organization.

2.     Sreesanth and other two are not that smart to work on match fixing. Recently, scientists found that they are ass holes. Only smarter guys can work on the match fixing formula.

3.     12 point Plan to clean up IPL makes the game more and more secretive rather than making it transparent. Transparency will never allow players to fix matches. Now nothing will be in public and no fear among the players that their call records would be tapped.

4.     Stopping cheerleader exhibition shows they were used in the saga. According to sources, now their job will be motivating players privately.

5.     History suggested that match fixing adds more shocks and surprises to the game. So BCCI is not that damn idiot to provide straight forward boring cricket games.

6.       By the way guys, IPL is a realty show which if never been fixed would not add spices. 

BCCI's new 12-point IPL cleanup plan considers all steps to guard cricketers from getting caught in match fixing again. The plan will also help them continue fixing matches flawlessly and in more secure manner, said BCCI President.

"We want to avoid cases like Sreesanth and Vindoo. Both these stupid exposed the unofficial revenue source of BCCI. I think IPL match fixing should continue in more flawless manner. Just because few idiots like Sreesanth make mistake, the spirit of the game should not be disturbed," said BCCI President Jagmohan Dalmia.  He said "Our new plan will help cricketers continue spot-fixing secretly with more transparency for bookies. The new plan will keep everything private and no over smart policeman will be able to make it in public."

The plan includes asking bookies to directly interact with players in their cabins, hotels and restaurants. Fixing orders would not be continued to execute on phone or at night parties. Cheerleaders will dance only in front of players to boost their spirits and not to boost general public.

Dalmia said "After cooling down this case, we will induct the erstwhile President N Srinivasan again with a warning to keep dumb Gurunath at home and introduce someone who is smart."

Recently, smartest Delhi Police Officer Neeraj Kumar revealed match-fixing in IPL to curtail ever rising rapes in Delhi. In the case, Police arrested 3 cricketers, including S Sreesanth, Bollywood personality Vindoo Dara Singh and Srinivasan's son-in-law Gurunath Meiyappan.

"I am happy that BCCI has come out with some plan to clean the tainted IPL. I hope there will be no match fixing again," said Neeraj Kumar in a press conference, showing his ignorance of the exact plan of BCCI.

Keeping in mind the fashion of jail, Raj Kundra bought new clothes for his wife and popular cine actress Shilpa Shetty.

"Yea I have bought new clean and glamorous clothes for Shilpa. She will definitely like," said excited Raj Kundra showing 3 sets of clean shining white suits with black strips along with small beautiful cap with same design.

He said "I am really excited about our new Honeymoon in jail. I asked Delhi Police Commissioner Neeraj Kumar to keep us in a separate jail with some great view, clean environment and beautiful toilet. Neeraj Kumar also assured me of having great vacation in jail." According to sources in Jail, Neeraj Kumar gratifyingly kisses and hugs to every guy who gets captured in IPL Spot Fixing for removing big menace of rapes in Delhi over him.

Kundra who is famous for gifting new houses to his wives (divorced with Kavita Kundra) planned a vacation in Indian Jail House. According to the plan, he told in Delhi Police investigation that his wife Shilpa was also involved in IPL Spot Fixing.

"Shilpa is also excited going to jail and asked me to buy new clothes. Buying new clothes on every occasion is our hobby. Even on every funeral, we wear new white clothes," said Raj Kundra.

A jobless man, Pappu Pandey found incessantly commenting, boasting his views on IPL Spot Fixing issue. Pappu is commenting in a great vigor as like he knows everything about the matter and has all the material to discuss on the issue. Pappu has also showed that optimum utilization of time on crap commenting along with searching for a job.

"How can I shut my mouth while the entire nation is discussing on IPL scandals," said Pappu. He said "Focus on job finding instead of discussing on IPL will be selfish and I am not selfish."

According to Pappu, discussion on the nation related issues which include recent IPL Spot Fixing episode will be a real patriotic thing and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to serve the nation.

"Nation is discussing over the monstrous scams in IPL today. It has become a do or die situation for the entire nation and if you think at this time I should focus on job and well to do life style then it is total rubbish," said Pappu.

Pappu has convince d his family that he will give 5% time to job search from his entire internet schedule and rest to serve the nation.

According to sources, Mahendra Singh Dhoni holds 50% stake in BJP leader Nitin Gadkari's food venture under Purti Group, adding to the discussion on conflict of interest in Cricket. Nitin Gadkari's food venture, named Purti Samosa Khaale Ltd is the largest samosa and vada pav producer in India with 70% of food is consumed by Gadkari himself and rest is supplied to Indian Cricketers during tournaments.

"Purti Samosa Khaale is yet to make commercial entry in Indian markets. Still based on volume, the company is the largest producer of samosa and vada pav India," said a source in direct knowledge of the entire incident.

He said "Contract to supply samosas to Indian players was a major breakthrough for Purti Samosa Khaale which wanted to enter in India's commercial markets. The group head Nitin Gadkari decided to brand its products."

The source also told that Mahendra Singh Dhoni holds 50% stake and a position of Director in the venture. The source confirmed that Gadkari is currently largest consumer of samosas but considering the high customer concentration risk, the company wants to diversify among other consumers of India.

"It wants to reduce Gadkari's share of 70% consumption of samosas to 50% and therefore it approached Dhoni for partnership," revealed the source.

The event is more significant as recently Purti Samosa Khaale signed contracts with 3 important players of Chennai Super Kings for promotion of its samosas in IPL. Players Ben Hilfenhaus, R Ashwin and Murli Vijay are going to promote flagship product "Chatni Samosa" of Purti Samosa Khaale.

"With this Mahendra Singh Dhoni can dominates the selection process of CSK," said the renowned sports journalist, requesting anonymity.

The India Satire's emails to Dhoni, Gadkari were unanswered, but BCCI Joint Secretary Anurag Thakur said "WTF yaar! In the early morning Economic Times called me asking my views on Dhoni's stake in some sports marketing company, now you guys are saying this. Boss, just spare me from this stupidity and go ask Dhoni. Ok we will look into entire episode after Srinivasan come back to his chair."

Few senior cricketers, however, condemn the event. "This is shocking. I don't understand how much the game will go down from here. No one will trust Cricket if people like Dhoni is involved in scandals," said ex-selector and Cricketer Kirti Azaad.

He said "I am amazed that how much this guy (Nitin Gadkari) is hungry of samosas and now he is shifting that habit to Indian cricketers. Unfortunately, that too is supported by senior cricketers like Dhoni." 

In a major shock to country, Delhi Police sources revealed that Rajya Sabha election Assam is fixed and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is already a winner before even announcement of the results.

"We are sensing some spot-fixing between ruling and opposition parties," said a Constable in Delhi Police, requesting his identity to be undisclosed.

He said "Our sources told us that Manmohan Singh will be clear winner in this contest. They also told us that the Congress Party has fixed with opposition parties such as Assam Gana Parishad and BJP and before voting itself BJP and AGP decided to not to opt for elections."

The constable continued that the entire contest has been fixed and the resemblance is largely to IPL Spot-Fixing case. The constable also confirmed that according to some bookies, Manmohan is getting exorbitantly high premium and the guy fielded against is getting none.

"Our sources have given us an idea that who the fixers are involved in this case. Our chief Neeraj Kumar will announce everything in the press conference to be held today evening. He will also disclose the links of Manmohan Singh to ongoing IPL spot fixing saga," said the constable.

Vindoo Dara Singh said that CSK's Mahendra Singh Dhoni along with Harbhajan Singh, Rohit Sharma, Gautum Gambhir and Shikhar Dhawan are involved in match fixing. They sold off for 5 rupees each to a popular fixer Saif Ali Khan. This is considered as most shocking revelation in IPL spot fixing saga.

"Yes Vindoo revealed their names and we issued arrest warrants for all these notorious people," told Mumbai Joint Commissioner of Police (Crime) Himanshu Roy in a packed press conference.

Roy said "All these cricketers sold their souls for 5 rupees each to a ridiculous brand, Lays which is not just unhealthy but also bad in taste. The company which manufactures Lays also is a big cheater. In the packet of Lays, there is 3/4th air and only 1/4th of chips."

Roy confirmed that the bookie involved in fixing this ridiculous ad in which Bhajji and Dhoni makes irritating appearances was Saif Ali Khan and he was arrested after Vindoo confirmed that the ad was actually fixed by him only.

Roy said "I don't understand how these guys can sell them for 5 rupees while according to our sources the amount they have taken is more than 5 lakh rupees each. We are sure that today's worst performance of CSK is also related to this ad. We are waiting for Court orders and as soon as we get those we will immediately arrest them."

Finally wait is over. Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) led by Arvind Kejriwal announced a list of most eligible candidates for Delhi elections, which include Manish Sisodia.

"They all are equipped with fast and satyagraha," said Arvind Kejriwal.

He said "I chose only those candidates which can fast for continuous two days."

AAP in its election manifesto committed that it will continue its satyagraha and whenever any of its minister involves in scam another will fast.

8.00 am Sources in jail said that Sreesanth told Delhi Police in advance that Mumbai Indians would win match against Rajasthan. However, they rejected divulging details about final and said that they already know who would win.

8.30 am One Constable of Delhi Police said that he won some 5000 rupees after betting on Bhajji's performance

9.00 am Sreesanth threw plate of masala dosa and sambhar, claiming that the test of epic South Indian food sucks

9.05 am Jail authorities claimed that the masala dosa was prepared by  Ramvilas Pande's Udupi Restaurant

9.30 am Sreesanth decided to request Court for South Indian food directly from Kerala and Tamil Nadu

9.35 am Gurunath Meiyappan started a day with big yawn. Complained about quality of Air Conditioner

9.55 am Jail Authorities said that he complained that AC doesn't have temperature control

10.05 am Srinivasan's call to Gurunath

10.20 am Sources said Srinivasan asked jail authorities to dump idli in Gurunath's mouth after every five minutes to keep his mouth shut

10.35 am Sources said that Gurunath received money for CSK v/s MI final in advance. He had dump it to one of the cement godowns in Kochi

11.00 am In a face to face meet, Vindoo Dara Singh and Gurunath kissed and hugged each other.

11.30 am For almost half an hour both were chit chatting and totally ignored Mumbai Police

11.45 am Finally to get them to consciousness and asking for cooperation, Police threatened them to show Ishkq in Paris.

12.00 pm Both begged in front of Police and told them that they would cooperate fully but not to show that movie

12.05 pm Mamata Banerjee requested N Srinivasan to change CSK's name to KKR. In return she would bail out CSK from current crisis as like Saradha chit fund.

12.30 pm Gurunath made a major revelation in the IPL spot fixing, said Vindoo Dara Singh is also involved. Bollywood collapsed with Vindoo's name.

After huge uproars from the Opposition parties, the UPA Government decided to consider IPL match-fixing as national issue, in line with murder, rapes, drought and earthquakes. However, nation is not satisfied with the Government's promises and asked guilty in spot-fixing to get death penalty.

"They murdered our beliefs; they need to get death penalty. No chance they should survive," said Pappu Pandey who lost huge money on Kolkata Knight Riders, after his office colleague won the bet against him. Pandey was bullish over KKR since the beginning of the IPL.

"WTF! I know Gambhir must have received hundreds of crores rupees from fixers for losing the matches," said Pandey. Pappu said only death penalty to all these fixers would satisfy him.

Asking the execution of all those who found guilty, many protesters gathered on Delhi streets demanding serious action from the Government. The protesters decided to rally to President, Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh's house.

"We will take stricter action against all those who found guilty. I have specifically asked Delhi Police to focus on the case and forget all other crimes such as rape, murder or terrorism," said Law Minister Kapil Sibal, addressing the protesters.

However, it couldn't satisfy protesters who demanded stricter action.

"I assure you that we will make all the provisions like death penalties or life imprisonment for those who found guilty. I can understand your pain, even I lost more than 10 crore on wrong team," said Sibal.

He also said that today only he met Rajeev Shukla and Arun Jaitley and told them that he had given spot-fixing as national issue status and it would consider in line with drought and earthquake.

"I assured them that I will leave all the work aside and will focus on IPL only," said Sibal.

Ex-Chief Justice of India and Chairman of Press Council of India (PCI), Markandey Katju has appealed Indian populace to maintain peace and silence after a shocking arrest of Vindoo Dara Singh under IPL Spot Fixing saga.

"I know this is a biggest shock to Indians in this millennium. Even I couldn't dream of arresting Vindoo, an innocent son to me. Such a great kid, everybody in India loves him. But I appeal the nation to stay calm and patient and please don't burn government and private property for Vindu's arrest," said Katju.

Vindoo Dara Singh, son of great actor Lt. Dara Singh was held for alleged role in the IPL match fixing. According to source, because of Vindoo's arrest Bollywood was stunned and many pundits expect that its more than a trillion dollar shock to the film industry.

Katju said "I know it is now the make and break situation for Bollywood industry. I know Bollywood will suffer from big losses and possibly it would close down for life. But I appeal to all small and big actors like Khans, Kapoors, Kumars and others to come together and save Bollywood from this hard hitting truth."

Katju asked nation to maintain fortitude in this difficult time, he would seek pardon with higher authorities for Vindoo.

 

Rapes in NCR saw a substantial drop since the match fixing in IPL discovered, confirmed Delhi Police Commissioner. Neeraj Kumar confirmed that no rape has been recorded in his eye sight since IPL match fixing.

"I think there may not be any rape case in the NCR since we found main culprits in the match fixing. At least I haven't read anything like rape in any news paper these days," said Delhi Police Commissioner Neeraj Kumar.

Kumar said "Delhi Police is currently 100% devoted these days on finding out the anti-social elements which fix IPL matches. They have little time to solve low profile rape cases. However, with no news in the news paper about rape cases we think all the rapes have stopped in Delhi."

Kumar also confirmed that it is more challenging and smart work to solve any match fixing case than plain vanilla rape cases.

"There are so many links in match fixing but in rape cases only two people are involved, victim and accused. Therefore, mind juggling and brain storming is possible," said Neeraj Kumar

Simple structure of rape

 

Complicated structure of IPL match fixing

 

A source in Times of India confirmed that thanks to IPL match fixing, there is little space for covering rapes.

Controversial Cricketer S Sreesanth expressed his disappointment for postponing the decision of his marriage with a daughter of powerful mother-in-law. He said that he had been deferring his marriage for several years despite being insistence of his parents.

"Dude, I was a bit stupid for postponing my marriage.  If today I had a credible mother-in-law, I would have been enjoying thousands of crores of rupees from IPL match fixing in 2-3 years along with clean chit from state authorities," said Sreesanth to Delhi Police Commissioner Neeraj Kumar.

During the session of interrogation with Delhi Police, Sreesanth gave names of few like Robert Vadra which are enjoying the fruits of being son-in-law of powerful person in India.

Sreesanth told Police Commissioner "Only 2 years back Vadra had told me in a party 'do only one best thing in life and other best things will follow'. Now I realize what he wanted to talk about. Despite being offers from so many Tamil and Kerala Politicians I kept the issue pending and now I am in Police custody."

Talking to reporters, Neeraj Kumar said "Our eyes were wet while listening to him."