In an event that even surprises IIPM dean Arindam Chaudhuri, the UPA Government accepted all the suggestions from Arindam Chaudhuri's alternative budget. It took each and every suggestion that Arindam had made in his alternate budget presentation on Zee Business. The government removed all its own provisions and only Budget Paper of Arindam would be tabled in the Parliament.

"Yes this is shocking. I wasn't aware that the Government would take all of my stup*d suggestions so seriously. I thought I was just making some kind of time pass by presenting my recommendations. However, the government took it seriously, shocking!" said Arindam Chaudhuri, popular dean of IIPM.

Arindam Chaudhuri every year presents recommendations to Finance Minister on what he should include in the budget along with his expert opinions on different topics. These views also help clear the air on the curiosity of Indian public on what exactly his opinion is on certain sociological matters. While previous year, Arindam presented his budget suggesting Rahul Gandhi's alternative, this time he openly supported Narendra Modi.

Experts argued that accepting Arindam Chaudhuri's recommendation is out of fear that a big community would move from the government.

"Boss, he is the only dean who has Facebook fans more than 2mn. His open endorsement to Narendra Modi means, losing more than 2mn votes for UPA Govenrment. They can't ignore him," said vote bank expert, Yogendra Yadav.

However, Arindam denied all such allegations. He said "Facebook fans matter. But what a great intellectual person that is popular not just across the world but across many millions of planets say matters most. You may not aware but last year my recommendations were accepted by finance minister of Planet CRACK020420, a planet that is 43593mn light years away from the earth."

According to government sources, accepting Arindam's recommendations was the idea to stop him issuing such recommendations, going forward.

"Yesterday, Chidduji accidently saw Arindam's Alternate Budget program on Zee Business and suddenly went into depression. He immediately called us and told that accept whatever this guy is telling on the TV and send him a mail that this time we accept all of your recommendations but next year onwards stop giving your lectures and depressing us. You can put a dagger in back but don't give me your recommendations," said a finance ministry official.

Great semi-porn movie producer and high end  talent of creative cinema, Mahesh Bhatt said that he would like to add 3.2 more sex scenes in Murder 4.

"I would love to add 3.2 more sex scenes which include smooching, hugging and cuddling in my next flick of great epic Murder series," said Mahesh Bhatt.

Murder 3 was considered as most "Unwatchable Nasty Sex Movie of the Year" in recent Cannes Film Festival. The movie was also considered in recent Oscar Awards for dumping audience in the mainhole while watching the movie.

Steven Spielberg, another film director at the event said "Murder 3 showed me the way why I should not watch any movie in my life. It is wastage of time, watching such a stupid movie. I also announce my retirement from the movie life after watching Murder 3. He also advised parents to show this movie to their kids so that they would never demand to watch any of the movies in their life time."

Producer of such an epic, Mahesh Bhatt said "I saw the responses from Cannes Film Festival, when I screened the movie first time and at recent Oscar Awards. I was overwhelmed and really want to take this forward. I therefore plan to add more sex scenes in the next part of Murder series. I asked Vishesh Bhatt (Movie Director) to put 3.2 sex scenes."

Talking about why only 3.2 sex scenes, Bhatt said "Less than 3.2 sex scene will show that the movie is underrated while more than 3.2 sex scenes will give overdose of sex scenes to audience."

India showed its eagerness to see at least one politician found guilty and get the hell out of clear skies to totally blocked jails.

"Fu*k yaar! Reading this politician is involved in this scam or this politician murdered somebody or some politician raped somebody is annoying. We don't know how much time it takes in the Courts but we want to listen to news that at least one would be put inside bars for his life. But always luck sucks. Now we hoped that at least PJ Kurien will go inside some Kerala based nasty and unclean jail for rest of his life or at least for 10-20 years, this guy Kamal Nath is saying that he is innocent. Now there is a limit to our patience. When we shall see a politician inside jail," said a common man, Sachin Sahdev.

Sahdev said whenever he gets the news that some politician is involved in some scam, he builds hope that now at least this time the leader would be convicted and put inside jail. However, he has to stay happy for a max 1-2 years of jail without conviction.

Sahdev said "I thought that Raja would be convicted, Kalmadi would be convicted, or at least this Vadra would get some punishment of 5-10 years. But nobody gets such punishment and now my patience are really start showing limits. I thought now at least PJ Kurien would be involved in rape case. However, Kamal Nath's confirmation has just torn down my expectations."

Many like Sahdev have also confirmed that they want to see at least one politician get punished in their life span.

Showing his willingness on adopting some different things, Railway Minister allocated whopping Rs 540 crore to clean all the toilet seats of all the trains.

"That what something different I wanted to introduce in Indian railways. The toilet seats, whether Indian or English would be cleaned every alternative days by our efficient sweepers. I allocate a whopping Rs 540 crore for such cleaning work," said Pawan Kumar Bansal.

Reacting to his social activeness, all the UPA members slapped benches hard.

Bansal said "This must be something weird but I never saw a specific amount had been allocated by any of former railway ministers towards cleaning toilet seats. I would love to announce that I was the first who would be introducing such special fund allocation."

Bansal also confirmed that he would not effectively introduce toilet cleaning surcharge and it would be free of cost for the passengers. He told that all cleaners will be imported from foreign countries to give a neat look for the eyesights of passengers.

A mentally retarded and inefficient Congress Member of Parliament expects one of the top positions in the cabinet ministry after 2014 elections. He said that he has all the qualities that will help him to claim best of the seats after 2014 General elections.

He said "My obsequious character is well known in the party. For 700 times in last one year I said that I could have died anytime Madamji or Rahul Baba had asked me. I also told our party members for 347 times in last 4 months that Rahul Baba is best suited for PM's job in all the party meetings. Though, earlier they used to ignore me, gradually they started taking the note of it and result is Baba appointed for the position of Congress Party. I have good experience of boot licking."

The said MP is famous for his flattering behavior in all the Congress Party members. His track record in terms of party worker meeting, responsible work for constituent members and use of funds for the benefits of people in his constituencies is unbelievably awesome. The MP has never visited his constituency in last 10 years.

"I never left Delhi for last 10 years and served Madamji and Rahul Baba as much as I could," said the MP.

He also confirmed that many other MPs are jealous with him as he was the top runner of the position like home ministry, external affairs ministry or even telecom and finance ministry.

"Currently my eyes are on how to groom up Baba for the job of PM's post. Madamji yesterday only told me that she was very happy with my serving nature and told me that if I am such a good with Gandhi family how much great I would serve to Indian people. Therefore, she told me that don't hurry up for minister's post right now as it is now only for one year. She told me that she would give the position after 2014 elections."

He said considering track record like Sushil Kumar Shinde was alloted with a great position of home ministry, he would also get similar responsible and important job.

Thousands of women rallied in Karachi accusing Lashkar-e-Taiba Chief Hafiz Saeed as gay and not giving equal rights to women to join terrorist outfit.

"I am sure, he is gay and therefore he doesn't want us to join LeT," said Salma, an aspirant to become a terrorist and play a major role in cross-border terrorist activities.

She said "Janab Saeed wants only Pakistani and PoK male for the terrorist's job. This is really unfortunate for not considering women for this respectable job. We all women are sure that his male chauvinism stems from his basic homosexual nature."

According to a source from Hafiz Saeed camp, LeT chief likes young men for the job are actually have to go from a rigorous screening from his taint in private. He was captured on many videos in disturbing positions with terrorist youths.

"Janaab Saeed never allows us to enter when he takes some good looking guy in his taint. However, we saw him doing dirty and ***** things with these guys and then only select them," said a sweeper requesting anonymity.

Many women from Women Rights Association of Pakistan (WRAP) which organised this rally are eager to join Pakistan's B-Grade Army, known as LeT. However, adamant nature of Saeed over not selecting them fueled a serious outrage among these women. This raised serious doubts about the nature of Hafiz Saeed among Pakistani women.

WRAP president Sara Malik said "We took a thorough research mission which gave us some shocking results. Saeed besides giving speeches sleeps with top Pakistani military officials, many ISI agents and a lot of terrorists. Now we want him to resign from this job and some straight guy to join as LeT chief and propose the equal rights for women in terrorism."

Hameed Abdullah took an extreme step to join Lashkar-e-Taiba, after his wife Salma slapped him for 20th time in last 5 days.

"Slapping me is against Allah's wish. How can she slap me everyday for some minor mistakes? I am so annoyed and irritated that I just decided to join LeT (army of pure)," said Hameed.

Hameed was ill-treated at home by his wife, as like most of the other terrorists. Hameed represents a troop from one of the small towns near Islamabad.

He said "It is fuc*ing and irritating. Everyday she used to slap me and abuse me for some petty reason, showing me that I was trash and totally useless. Even all of my friends got frustrated from their wives. All of them used to annoy them with different demands, asking them to go and earn some bucks with hard work. WTF guys! We are sent by Allah for some quick bucks and live lazy but interesting life. So finally we decided to escape from them and join LeT."

He informed that LeT chief Hafiz Saeed was actually married and escaped from that horrendous experience by forming Lashkar. He told India Satire correspondent that Hafiz Saeed went through an experience of violence from wife. His wife used to think him like a trash and punching bag. She liked to kick and punch him every time when he did some bullshit.

"After such a violent marriage experience Saeed decided to start his own firm with other male terrorists," said Hameed.

He said "It was a good idea of joining Lashkar and throw all of my frustration out. They give you AK-56 and what not kind of rifles to just shoot. Also I get bombs and different weapons which I heard when I was a kid. Many of my friends are also joining the army due to sheer irritation of our wives. At least we will get 700 beautiful virgins in the heaven with no annoyance from them."

India's dominant community which is against death penalty to terrorists immediately filed mercy petition with President Pranab Mukherjee for terrorists who carried Hyderabad blast.

"This time we wanted to stay alert. We were waiting for some terror attack and as soon as that happened in Hyderabad we immediately filed a mercy plea with Pranabji," said an intellectual who is against death penalty with a condition of anonymity. The person represents India's rich Soft Hearted and Swift Life (SHSL) community.

He said "Pranabda was astonished to see our quick response and he said that it was very early and he can't take decision immediately. He also told us to be patient and wait terrorists to get captured by Andhra Police."

According to sources, any death penalty generally goes from rigorous filtering process like from district magistrate / Special Court to High Court judge and then Supreme Court finally confirms it. However, there is always a chance for the culprit to plea for mercy with President. Usually, President analyses the process and take some time of 5-20 years to make any decision.

"We know the process is long and terrorist get some time for peaceful life. However, we want him to live him his entire life peacefully. Somehow our actions against Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab's executions were a bit late. But now we don't want to wait and immediately filed the petition," said source from SHSL.

India's Prime Minister promised country people that the UPA Government is committed to wipe out terrorism from India in next 500 years. In a press release issued by Prime Minister's Office (PMO) indicated that the UPA Government is serious in taking all the efforts towards ending terrorism from India and by next 500 years there would be no trace of terrorist in India.

"We are on the right path and 99% terror attacks have already been stopped. We expect that India will be 99.99% terror free in next 500 years," said Manmohan Singh in his statement.

He said "Right this time, yes right this time I promise UPA Government would fight against terrorist and in 2513 I commit that there will be no terrorist attack in India. I keep my words, note down in your diary. I said yes I said there will be no terror attack in 2513."

He said he was saddened by the blast news and immediately called security agencies to take steps against terrorism and also asked the deadline from these agencies which include IB, RAW and other internal and external security forces.

"I clearly asked them to tell me how much time they would take for vanishing all the terror attacks from India, as I am answerable to my countrymen. They said they are working on fast-track and all the agencies together promised removal of terror attacks by 2513. I told them 'Theek Hai!'" said Manmohan Singh

Sources close to West Bengal Chief Minister said that CM Mamata Banerjee was slapping herself for at least thousand times for last two days, after she realised that she was one of the biggest hypocrites of India. She also asked her chaukidar (watchman) and sweeper to slap hard on her face.

Rakesh Pandey attempted suicide by taking rat-kill poison, after reading another article on how Robert Vadra made money quickly and easily. However, just because his wife came on time the guy was saved.

"What the fu*k guys? Making money is like removing dirt from his hand. That sucks! I don't want to live in this cruel world where your only one mistake makes you poor or middle class," said Rakesh Pandey with wet eyes and sobbing continuously.

He said "Just when I read the article that says how Robert made money by buying land in Rajasthan at cheap dirt prices and sold them in crores, I immediately decided to end this sinful life. Boss immense amount of jealousy is now accumulated in my whole body, my stomach and heart."

A research conducted by AC Nielsen reached to conclusion that most of the Indian men are developing women like jealousy and that is creating trouble for their health.

"I have made an extensive survey. 98% of respondents who were also son-in-laws of some guys said that they are jealous with Robert Vadra's progress and they really want to switch from their current father-in-law to some politician father-in-law to get the benefits," said Sandip Dikshit, Survey Manager of AC Nielsen.

Rakesh Pandey said "My ass gets burned every time I read how Vadra became a billionaire by just doing only one right thing. Still there is pain in my ass."

Reacting to overall controversy, son-in-law by designation and part time land buyer Robert Vadra said "It doesn't matter if the whole country jealous about me. It's a banana republic of mango men."

Rahul Gandhi who was on a visit to Eastern state Meghlaya, inaugurated a specially constructed toilet for aam admis of Meghalaya. The toilet was constructed by young Congress leaders when they had some spare times.

"I am feeling proud and happy for inaugurating such a wonderful and full of advanced technologies toilet for my fellow Meghalayans. I would urge them to visit the most advanced and easiest to use toilet in the world," said Rahul Gandhi.

After a hard work of 6 months, young Congress leaders in Meghalaya built a toilet in Nongpoh where Rahul Gandhi personally visited. The toilet has facilities like Air Conditioner, 24-hour power generator backup, automatic lift to allow user seat comfortably and auto clean mode.

Dr Mukul Sangma as a young and dynamic leader of Congress in Meghalaya said "Congress Party was always caring for Indian people. This toilet is a symbol for every Indian and great milestone to the world. This toilet can be used by anybody over a life time. He would neither need to unclean his hands and nor need to sweat when difficult times are there." Sangma also informed that the toilet seat can change its colour according to user preferences.

Sangma also told Rahul "Baba is great symbol to young Congress leaders. Therefore we are thankful for him to inaugurate world's only advanced potty system and now urge him to seat on PM's chair."

Rahul Gandhi said "I like to set examples by executing the task myself. I personally used this toilet and recommend it as a best one in the world. I specifically ask Meghalayan youth to test what the work young Congress leaders have done for them. This is youth empowerment that what I want to show you guys. So what are you waiting for, just come in the cue to use this toilet."

In a shocking development, Senior Journalist and Chief Editor of CNN IBN, Rajdeep Sardesai tweeted that Narendra Modi is ideal candidate to become as India's Prime Minister. The development raised eyes of many people who considered Sardesai as Modi's ardent critic.

"I endorse Mr. Modi as India's Prime Minister in 2014 as I am a big fan of his development agenda. He has changed Gujarat into a big developed state and that also opened my eyes," said Sardesai in a series of tweets followed by his support to Modi.

He said "I don't consider anybody else as the better fit and think Modi can deliver his best. I forgot what I saw in 2002 riots and I also apologize for not at all covering riots in Assam while giving bullshit reason as OB Vans was not reachable to the place."

Rajdeep Sardesai rid on immense popularity after he extensively covered Gujarat riots in 2002. He was the person because of whom Narendra Modi sat on a chair of 'Maut ka Saudagar'.

He again tweeted in few minutes "I forgot everything those riots and everything. Select Modi as PM. I will also vote for him."

Rajdeep Sardesai's tweets saw huge retweets from his fans to critics considering a major change in the senior critics. Within half an hour, his tweets retweeted by at least 1.2 million times congesting servers of Twitter.

However, after an hour Rajdeep tweeted "Guys sorry just got some tea from Sagarika. Serious hangover of Old Monk, thanks Sagarika for getting me out of worst dream."

He again tweeted "Failed to realise why Old Monk sometimes make you say something what you didn't want, Gnight."

Meanwhile, in between according to sources, Congress Party thought of reducing spending on media, particularly on CNN IBN.

Following the footsteps of Wipro Chairman Azim Premji, author and social activist Chetan Bhagat decided to give all of his wealth to Buffet-Gates charity. Azim Premji was in the news today for donating 50% of his Rs 87000 crore to Buffet-Gates Foundation. Taking cues from him, Chetan Bhagat who earlier said that he was not reachable to farmers announced all of his unidentified wealth to the charity.

"People say I am great, intelligent and popular author. But I have never done any charity in my life besides earning huge bucks from the royalty of my typical filmy novels. I think Azim has shown me a right path and therefore I thought of donating whatever I have earned, going to earn from royalties and movie revenues to this charity," Chetan Bhagat said in a press conference.

Chetan Bhagat maintained that he was popular still unreachable to farmers contrary to Rahul Gandhi.

He said "Sometimes I call Rahul. I used to tell him that I am more popular than him but I am not really reaching the farmers of the country through my books. I want to explore rural India and connect to them. I wanted to bring my writing closer to them, that's why I've also associated myself with films. They are more accessible to the masses. I therefore decided to spend all money to charity and even asked Rahul to do the same thing. However, he said 'no thanks'."

Both Warren Buffet and Bill Gates reacted to Chetan's decision with heavy heart.

"We are very glad that Mr. Chetan gave us all his wealth. I don't know what he will do after giving his entire wealth to us. Probably he would need charity. We require such small examples to expand our philosophy of philonthropy," said Warren Buffet.

Chennai based mechanical engineer Subbu Swamy joined India's prominent MNC Bank as a finance manager. Subbu Swamy recently completed his MBA in finance after finishing his studies of mechanical engineering in IIT. The structure is in line with the major shift that is witnessed in India leading to many engineers shifting their focus to banking industry.

"We are glad to appoint Subbu as our Finance Manager. We expect that he will give his best to deliver great results in studying financial accounts. We also expect him to use his expertise of mathematics to calculate difficult debit and credit figures of financial statements," said T Ranganathan, regional head of South division of Citi Bank.

Subbu Swamy was appointed after a rigorous checks and post understanding that he can easily complete the task of entering the data in Tally Software, famous for financial accounts.

Ranganathan said "We kept Subbu's brain with us for 1 entire week. Our experts checked it thoroughly and found that the brain is perfect mechanical creation. It can solve complicated problems like addition, deletion, multiplication and division. We shocked when the brain could solve problem like 1250x200 within 30 seconds. We immediately decided to take Subbu on bank's payroll."

Talking to India Satire correspondent on his successful entry in the finance career, Subbu said "That was the dream to work with Citi Bank as finance manager, I was watching since my childhood. Therefore, I completed my engineering first and converted my emotional brain into mechanical one. Thereafter, completing MBA in finance helped it to get nourished with complicated accounts and financial statements. My moulded brain easily started writing journal entries. Now after joining Citi I am really interested in joining CA."

Exclusive Column of Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri

Boss everybody is shitting on my face since I asked government to block few notorious sites which always used to make fun on me or criticised me. Despite my funda of low life king size, I have shown some humbleness to block some of pages which extensively covered my secret life and undisclosed level of IQ. My humblness still has not covered anybody. Why this partiality? The reason that I know was that nobody matches the level of understanding and intelligence that I have and that I am inculcating among the IIPM students. Ok forget this crap, I had a reason in my mind over blocking these only pages rather than sites first was unnecessarily blocking the sites mean other politicians would lose chances of free publicity.

However, that was not actually the only reason for blocking these sites. Other reason was to send a clear and strong message to stupid satirists and idiot indigenous critics to keep their asses on their chairs and start thinking beyond Arindam. Yes 'Dare To Think Beyond Arindam'. There are so many stupid low life people in the community. Why do you guys behind me only? Boss how much funny you feel that I look; still nobody has given you rights to cross your limits.

The message that I sent was generally had to be appreciated but these guys are so unthankful that they increased criticism and humour on me. Now I can see more and more content and more and more fun of me on the web. That helped me to think in a unique way and announced my own internet with a small funda of 'dare to think beyond crappy internet'.

However, I got congratulations and best wishes from many prominent personalities which really said that they were thankful for initiating step against nasty satirists. Journalists like Arnab Goswami, Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai, politicians like Digvijay Singh, Salman Khurshid, Kapil Sibal, Nitin Gadkari and businessmen like Vijay Mallya personally called me and thanked with promising placements for at least next year's IIPM batch. Despite all these great work I have done for the international community people think I am stupid. My step will only show that how does it feel when somebody kicks on your ass.

According to sources, Press Council of India (PCI) Chairman and Justice Markandey Katju applied Google Adsense for advertisements on his blog, after his article saw millions of hits on the Narendra Modi article. If sources had to be believed the article on Modi criticising him over Gujarat riots received immediate popularity and a pending request for the advertisements on Katju's blog for generating additional income accepted.

"His application to get advertisements posted on his blog were rejected by Google for last 12 times because of issues like subdomain and lack of appealing hits from the visitors," said the source who closely works with Katju.

He said "Katju tried to criticise everybody in India to generate hits. However, his scathing and nailing articles hardly 1000 people visited his blog. Finally, he decided to cut Narendra Modi and just one article on him was sufficient to draw the attention of millions of people. Now Katjuji again applied for advertisements to Google Adsense (an Advertisement Division of Google) and this time he expects that Google will accept his request."

Baba Ramdev announced his eagerness to contest 2014 elections and gift Indian voters a range of herbal and ayurvedic leaders always seating in yoga postures.

"I ensure Indian voters that I will provide them a range of vegetarian herbal leaders in 2014 elections. These leaders would be good for health surrounded by Triphala churn and filled with Shilajit. Triphala Churn will keep their diet good and Shilajit along with Musli Power will provide energy and substance," said Baba Ramdev in a press conference, announcing his entry in political ground.

He said "Our agenda is that every MP will go to each and every voter's house; teach them Kapalbhati so that India will become corruption free."

Baba Ramdev, however, denied to disclose how Is Kapalbhati correlated to corruption free society, despite of insistence from the reporters.

Irritated with so called low IQ satirists and critics, great international management guru, economist, spiritual leader, philosopher, psychologist, doctor, business idol, management idol, economics mastermind, strategist, spiritual strategist and everything in one body, Arindam Chaudhuri decided to start his own internet.

"This is irritating yaar. Anybody comes on the internet and spits on me. Internet has become a very low life and cheap destination to share views. There is actually no intellectual sharing and communication. Look at me. Despite being great world known personality, any cheap chap satirist comes and makes fun out of me. This is fuc*ingly terrible as well as awful. I therefore thought to start my own internet where only intellectual thought leaders are allowed," said IIPM Head and thoughtful leader Arindam Chaudhuri.

Chaudhuri was talking about the incident of blocking the websites with weird and funny content on him. Department of Telecommuication blocked many web pages which made fun of him with lots of criticisms.

He said "Nobody understands real value of gem here. It comes when you feel absence of him." "Bloody, count your chicken before they hatched," he roared.

He said "Therefore, I decided to start my own internet. It will be on the floor as soon as I will migrate entire facebook and twitter fans to it."

Arindam Chaudhuri's internet will start with 'atg' instead of 'www'.

Talking about it, Arindam said "That was because of my great intellectual fans. They said from moving www means we have to take some name and 'Arindam the Great' would be a great way to start with."

Meanwhile, Facebook and Twitter approached Arindam Chaudhuri to take back his decision or at least allow them to set up their web pages on his internet so they would not face any humongous losses of migration of heavily

Opposition parties alleged that Indian Government took bribe from India's one of the leading satire websites India Satire for not blocking its articles on Arindam Chaudhuri. According to sources, Opposition parties plan to logjam the government in the Budget Session of Parliament.

"Shri Department of Telecom ordered to block some websites while ignored serious and damageable articles from the India Satire on Shri Arindam Chaudhuri. We want to understand how much money India Satire paid to the government for not blocking its own content," said BJP leader Sushma Swaraj.

She said "Almost every satire, news website and many other blogs have covered in the order but only India Satire has got ignored. We want to understand the reason why India Satire has received special treatment. Is it authored by some Italian guy?"

According to sources from opposition parties, the leaders of BJP were well aware that the India Satire has covered many articles on Arindam Chaudhuri which he might have felt offensive but readers liked those as they were funny, entertaining and readable. India Satire covered Arindam Chaudhuri and many other time pass and funny personalities like him extensively on its website. However, despite all these facts the Department of Telecom ignored blocking its pages smells some nasty thing.

However, government thrashed all these allegations and said that it never gave preference to any satire. Even Arindam Chaudhuri confirmed that he wasn't offered any money from India Satire to keep its site running.

"It is useless and funny site. I don't think I would have even scrolled through such an idiotic and stupid work. But going forward, I will keep check on this site as well and whenever I found any article on me I will order Department of Telecom to block the site," said Arindam Chaudhuri.

Reacting to Indian Government's largest subsidy scheme of distributing food at huge subsidised rates, many Indians below poverty line (BPL) category demanded subsidized iPhones rather than food.

"Food we can somehow manage to earn. However, these days we feel that buying iPhone and paying its bill is difficult for us," said T Ramanna, a BPL person based in Chennai.

He said "It would be gripping idea and we will automatically force to vote to UPA Government if they give us free iPhone or at least Samsung SIII. The subsidy should also be on recurring basis as these companies update their models every 2-3 years."

A survey conducted by Gallop suggested that 80% of BPL ready to accept change the name of Food Security Bill into Rajeev Gandhi iPhone Distribution Scheme while rest 20% are ready to compensate iPhone but at least get one Samsung SIII.

"Indian consumerism is changing. People can manage something to eat but lavish lifestyle is the real crux. No BPL affords compromising on it," said Prakash Joshi, head Supervisor of Gallop Survey India.

Government thrashed the idea and said that entire survey doesn't valid here as Akash Tablets are already provided at subsidized costs.

"While I am giving you world's best tech phone at 2000 rupees what fucking else you want," asked Telecom Minister Kapil Sibal.

He said "I am planning to launch a better version of iPhone for 700-800 rupees range but right now votes for food is fine for us. After 2014 elections we will plan to think on the demand."

Famous for introducing new and new taxes, India's Finance Minister plans to tax on 'Everything'.

While he avoided giving precise details on what exactly everything means, he said "I like to tax, more and more tax on people. I want tax and more tax. This time I will tax everything. Everything means everything. That includes your eating, shitting, bathing and peeing process. If you are using roads to walk to your office or park you will have to pay tax. If you are reading paper in the park you have to pay tax. Right now I don't want to divulge more details. But I am going to tax more and more. More tax on middle class, more subsidies to farmers, poor people and politicians."

Moderate Separatist and Jammu & Kashmir Liberation Front leader Yasin Malik and terrorist leader Hafiz Saeed slammed each other and thrashed each other's nose and mouth in a sad event. Sources said that fight began immediately after Hafiz Saeed asked Yasin Malik to join as a spokesperson of his party Lashkar-e-Taiba, as soon as Kashmir will be free from India.

"Janaab Saeed asked Yasin Miah that why don't he become LeT's chief Spokesperson as soon as India declare Kashmir is azaad. However, Malik Bhaijaan couldn't take his words in positive manner and told him to shut his mouth as he wanted to become Prime Minister of Azaad Kashmir. Malik Bhaijaan also offered Saeed a job of Security Guard at the main doors of his office," said a source who acknowledged the entire event.

Hafiz Saeed came to mourn the execution of Parliament attack conspirator Afzal Guru in Islamabad whne Malik and some of his supporters observed a 24-hour fast in protest of Guru's hanging.

The source said "Hafiz Bhaijaan immediately slapped on Malik's face and asked him to keep quite otherwise would be killed with AK-56 rifle."

The event turned violent after Yasin retaliating Saeed's slap with a strong punch on his nose and told him to stop dreaming about PM ship of Azaad Kashmir otherwise he would be sent to Afzal Guru's place.

"Finally, after a big fight while both were bleeding, supporters of both the leaders came and rescued them," said the source.

Source added "Saeed Bhaijaan left the dais immediately after Malik Saab threatened him that he would call US military and take the bounty offered on Hafeez Janaab."

Pakistan Interior Minister Rehman Malik called this as a miserable event and blamed India for increasing rivalry between Kashmiri fighters.

"This is all Indian conspiracy to create issues between two prominent leaders. I am sure that India's RAW was operating behind the entire event," said Malik.

Indian Post, a Government body for delivering letters, couriers and money orders at cheap costs decided to restructure its working. The Post has taken criticisms over its late delivery of intimation over Afzal Guru's execution to his family very seriously.

"We are serious now. Whatever happened in the past is past and we assure you that Indian Post will be wholly restructured body. We are going to reduce the time line of speed post by at least 75% by appointing a special squad," said Indian Postal Service Chief, Manjula Prashar in an exclusive interview with the India Satire Correspondent.

Recently in a major event, Indian Postal Services lost its face when it delivered speed post intimating Afzal Guru's execution 2 days after he was hanged.

Prashar said "It is difficult to implement new ideas and techniques very fast. However, immediately after the criticisms we appointed KPMG as consultant. They advised us to appoint special squad of Pigeons. We are planning to take help from foreign countries and will buy specially trained pigeons for this critical job. Final announcement will come in next one month."

Share price of Domino's Pizza India franchise, Jubilant Foodworks rose sharply after a rumour flashed in the market that the company offered a free pizza for every investor who buys its share today. The company offered one pizza for 5 shares driving the volume of the stock on both the BSE and the NSE. The stock price reported 1mn volume on the BSE and 4mn on the NSE with a sharp rise of over 9%.

 

Jubilant Foodworks

BSE: 533155 | NSE: JUBLFOOD | ISIN: INE797F01012 | SECTOR: MISCELLANEOUS

 

BSE

Feb 06, 15:58

1137.00

96.25 (+9.25%)

VOLUME  1,064,706

 

After a heart-warming meeting with the rape victim Nirbhaya's parents in Delhi, Congress President Sonia Gandhi asked Ministers to include a special clause in New Rape Law Ordinance that she along with her son Rahul would compulsorily meet each and every rape victim and their parents of the nation.

"I think this way only we will show equality towards sharing the pain of every rape victims of the nation," said Sonia Gandhi in her statement after meeting with Nirbhaya's parents.

She said "Nirbhaya is not the only girl who faced such monstrous activity of rape but every day many Indian girls go from this worst and life taking experience. Now enough is enough, I finally have decided that along with Raul Baba, I will take retirement from politics and will meet each and every girl or woman and her parents till all the rape incidents stop. I also promise of distributing flat to each girl her parents along with cash of Rs 25-30 lakh from my own pocket till I become beggar."

Rahul Gandhi who is known for his selfless work towards the nation and who also expressed his eagerness to give his life to India said that he would be very happy if every day he shares the sorrows of the girls and their parents who face such heinous activity.

"I have no ambition of becoming Prime Minister of India. I am a selfless guy and have nothing to take from anybody. I am with Mummy on this. I am along with all the young Congress leaders and Mummy too will visit each and every girl who faces rape."

Talking on their decision, Senior Congress leader Digvijay Singh said "Even today onwards all the Congress leaders have taken decision. Everybody will resign from their jobs as Madamji and Baba has taken such saintly decision. We assure you all guys that we will also stop raping your minds and brains."

However, the Congress sources are yet to confirm whether Sonia and Rahul's meetings with rape victims are till 2014 elections.