US said it is ready to strike all its new range of chemical weapons on Syria. The country released its official statement after France confirmed that it is ready to crush Syria from Wednesday next week while Russia will evacuate its citizens as soon as possible.

"How can they use chemical weapons which are very dangerous to human life? We have strong evidences that Assad military has used chemical weapons against rebellions. It is a danger to human life in the World and we will stop this," said Barack Obama addressing the nation.

He confirmed that his military operations will be like using Syria as practice battle ground and train its military to combat against Iran. The country will use whole new kind of weapons which are manufactured for saving humanity.

Barack Obama said that his statement of "limited narrow act" of military intervention in Syria that does not involve a "boots-on-the-ground approach", but has not made a final decision yet should not be taken out of context and told that the super power can send its troops to use Syria as practice ground.

"The real enemy of mankind is Iran and Syria is just a pussy cat for the great nation the United States of America. Therefore we are planning to use our new team to conquer Syria. Military will also test its new range of high quality chemical weapons, made to save human life in the World."

India's Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh found loudly crying, sobbing and literally lamenting in the bathroom after he completed his speech in the Parliament, according to sources who were present there at the time of incidence.

"Just after he came from Lok Sabha, he immediately started crying loudly, roaring like an animal, mourning himself for what not reasons, even he forgot to remove his specs when he was splashing his face hard with cool water," said Manishankar, head of sweepers of Lok Sabha toilets.

Dr. Manmohan Singh gave a speech on falling rupee and worsening economic condition in the Lok Sabha after a lot of insistence by opposition parties. However, he immediately left the session after he completed his speech, leaving the opposition leaders clueless.

"That was his arrogance. Rather than answering opposition leader's queries he left the session," said BJP leader Yashwant Sinha unknown to the fact.

 "Just when he entered in the bathroom, he immediately started slapping himself, abusing for his soft stand on economy and grumbling over his silent approval to food security and land acquisition bill. I saw him saying that how can he deviate from the basic fundamental economic principles just because Madamji told. He also said that this way he was not just cheating India but his economics and also to Madamji who doesn't understand a single word of logic let forget economics. Then he started crying loudly, roaring and thrashing mirror," said the eye witnesses of the entire incident, sweepers Manish and Kapil. 

It is strange but true. Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi is working on the right policy for Indian economy to revive it in next 20-25 years, said a senior Congress leader.

"He is drafting a policy that will be comprehensive, inclusive and best for the Indian economy. It will lead us to a high growth trajectory that we wanted since last 60 years," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Digvijay Singh was talking about Rahul's talent in economic policy making and drafting best possible financial framework.

"He himself had drafted food security bill, NREGA bill and restaurant bill in Shetty's Restaurant," said Digvijay Singh who told that that Shetty was aam aadmi who wanted to understand how the micro economic policy framework attracts more and more customers in his restaurant.

"Rahul suggested him of embossing Soniaji's photo on restaurant bills and rename his Hotel Durga Prasad to Rajiv Gandhi Sasta Khana Sthal and see the way his business gets boost. Now his hotel is a great example for people who want to turnaround their sagging business successfully," said Digvijay Singh. He said that the time when Shetty embossed Sonia's photo and renamed the hotel to Rajiv Gandhi the business saw a robust growth as everybody came to the restaurant with expectations of cheap food.

Digvijay Singh said "He is going to implement same policies in the Indian economy. As a first step to long term stability of Indian economy, he advised us to rename India as 'Rajiv Gandhi Country With Free Offers' to attract foreign director investors who are searching for cheap destination to park their money. It will reduce current account deficit and boost rupee. Even Finance Minister P Chidambaram was shocked with his knowledge of economy." 

Asaram Bapu's devotees claimed that the Sensex was down today only because Police summoned Asaram Bapu. He said that after Police issued summon to Bapu, rupee dropped sharply affecting the equity markets.

"This is the strength of Bapuji. Police has only summoned him and Sensex was down over 3%. Think what will happen if you arrest him. You will see Sensex at 100 points level and Nifty at 10 points," said Swami Chinmayanand, Bapu's ardent follower.

When India Satire correspondent told Chinmayanand that it was not Asaram Bapu but deteriorating rupee and worsening CAD situation along with FII investment outflow were the reasons, he said that all was ok but the major reason was eroding confidence of government on Bapuji.

He said "The rupee depreciation was out of systematic risk that foreign investors calculated before Bapuji's name was involved in sexual assault case. They discounted this risk 4-5 months back itself. Now when you summon Bapuji for paltry things you will have to bear the brunt. You don't know whenever he says 'jaa upar jaa', the Sensex goes up."

Showing their happiness towards UPA Government's step to introduce food security for poor people in India, the hotels industry expressed its interest to sign long term contract with people below poverty line (BPL) for sourcing food grains.

"We are in talks with various people in BPL category along with government grocery shops for contract sourcing of food grain," said Ramakant Shetty, owner of hotel chain Hotel Durga Prasad.

He said "We are working on a proper plan to source cheap food from the BPL people. Many authorized grocery shops are willing to share 50% of total food grains supplied by government. This is a great law made for the entire hotels industry and we are happy about it. However, we are really concerned about low calories that BPL families are entitled under this Act. They require 35 kgs while government is giving only 25 kgs."

According to Bollywood sources, India decided to submit 2013's most successful Hindi Movie 'Chennai Express' for Oscar Awards nomination. The Film Federation of India (FFI) has taken this decision unanimously.

"FFI appointed committee decided immediately to send Chennai Express for Academy Awards next year for a nomination in the category 'Best Foreign Language Film'," said the source.

Shahrukh Khan and Deepika Padukone starrer Chennai Express was the biggest hit of the year and earned 200 crore rupees in its first week. However, according to source the movie's content, directorial value and the success were not the reasons for its selection by FFI committee.

"Actually, India has never won any award in this category despite sending best of best movies. So this time FFI decided that it will send a movie which would torture and annoy the Oscar Awards selection panel. At least we can irritate them this time by make them yawn and tolerate torture of 2 and half hours," said the source.

Movie's director Rohit Shetty said that he was the happiest guys in the world after FFI decided to send Chennai Express for Academy Awards.

"This is biggest success of my life. Originally I thought my movie would never be sent to Oscar Awards but thank god this time I made most hopeless movies of lifetime of Bollywood and on the same time FFI decided to send most worthless movie of Indian cinema to Oscar nomination," said Rohit Shetty.

Showing his interest to embrace progress, Lashkar-e-Taiba Hafiz Saeed expressed his intention of using condoms while having sex with his male partners.

"Right now I am trying to understand how condom is made. Is anything against religious feelings has been used? After confirming all these things I will start using it," said Hafiz Saeed in a packed press conference, looking at his boyfriend and personal secretary Sayyed Jawahiri very passionately.

Hafiz Saeed is India's most wanted terrorist who is popular as social activist in Pakistan. According to sources, he has devoted his life to Pakistan providing a lot of charitable aide to the country. He also has illegal relationship with Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, which is still to be confirmed by Pakistan authorities. Currently, he is trying to inculcate progress and modernization in Pakistan by adopting various techniques.

"Condoms will be first step and steadily I will start using more modern techniques for sexual pleasure," said Hafiz Saeed. He confirmed that he never has smelled any bath soap as well.

Salman Khan posted his photos taken at the time of hit-and-run incident which gives the exact picture of his rash driving that killed one person while injuring three others. Bollywood superstar has posted all the photos along with one video on his website www.salmankhanfiles.com.

"I think there is incorrect information spreading by media about the hit-and-run incidents and therefore I decided to give factual information to my fans. These are the photos clicked at the time of the incident by my brother, Sohail Khan," said Dabangg star Salman Khan.

The photos were posted in the midst of a contempt of court case against Salman Khan in which Salman Khan was summoned for posting court proceedings. Salman Khan showed photos and one small video of the incident to journalists. In the photos, Salman Khan is clearly visible in the car which runs into a bakery in Mumbai. The video shows that a sharp hangover of liquor on Salman Khan who was recklessly driving his car and killed the guy and injured others.

"These photos will show my fans that how journalists really fooled them creating doubts about the reality of the event. Now all of you can see how I thrashed people while driving," said Salman Khan.

Salman Khan also told reporters that he will put his photos while killing Chinkara in Rajasthan as the legal case will start making progress.

"Those photos are most exciting. I have just waiting for right time to post them on my website," said Salman Khan.

Tired after so much of ruckus over his sexual assault case, Asaram Bapu decided to visit Mars for few days. The so-called godman will reside at his villa for next 1-2 months.

"Bapuji wanted to rejuvenate after ordinary people started staring at him as rapist. Therefore, he decided to visit Mars for 1-2 months. He will send his video clips with chants and mantras directly from the mars for all of you," as per a press release by Asaram Bapu's Ashram.

Asaram Bapu has recently accused in sexual assault case of minor. The case has attracted talks from all the sections of country and questioned the authenticity of godmen. Frustrated and irritated by the protests from all the sections as well as FIR of Police, Bapu finally decided to have some chill out picnic to some other planet, said the unconfirmed source in the ashram. He told that Asaram Bapu owns crores of acres of land in different planets and resides in beautiful villas.

Asaram Bapu's Villa at mars

"Bapuji's villa in Mars is just next to the Bungalow of Paramahamsa Nithyananda who is also staying over there for last few years," said the source.

The source said that tonight Bapuji will enter a tunnel in the back yard which will directly take him to Mars.

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi took a very important step, just ahead of being officially called as the Prime Ministerial candidate of India. Rahul decided that he will talk sensibly and behave like mature guy, going ahead.

"I will talk like a mature person going forward and no bullshit. My speeches will be sensible and genuinely understandable. My statements will be well researched by myself and they would never create conflicts into brain of any ordinary Indian who takes more than 10 days to understand what I said," said Rahul Gandhi.

Rahul Gandhi is on the verge of being announced as PM candidate for UPA's 3^rd term and therefore in a serious makeover, the Gandhi scion decided to act maturely. According to sources, Rahul Gandhi has stopped reading comics and started watching channels like Discovery, History and National Geographic.

"Initially, it was a bit difficult for him to stop reading comics like Archies and watch Pogo or Nick," said Sanjay Jha, Congress Spokesperson.

Leaders close to Rahul Gandhi said that he has been active these days in understanding political debates and brainstorming sessions on the news channels.

"These days he has been actively watching political debates on the news channels. He has started reading news papers and knowledgeable book from the authors like Chetan Bhagat," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Singh also confirmed that Rahul has joined classes to understand commerce and economics so that whatever he would talk that would make some sense.

"He is also thinking of marriage for getting some broader mind and bigger brain," said Digvijay Singh.

Father of the nation, Mahatma Gandhi saddened after reading the current fall in the rupee in 'Earth Weekly'. He expressed his condolences for the rupee's untimely death. He said that he will sit for Satyagraha in the heave to get real value to the rupee.

("Today I am really feeling sad. It was a time when I was there on the earth and rupee was equal to dollar. Today, India's politicians reduced its value to 1.5 cents of dollar. I really feel bad that the politicians not only reduced the value of the rupee but with their act they have reduced my value too," told Mahatma Gandhi to India Satire correspondent, expressed his desire to continue Satyagraha from the heaven and if needed call for fast as well.)

India Satire successfully found the application on the computer that Rahul Gandhi called as Congress. With a lot of efforts, logic and help of the Congress leader and spokesperson Sanjay Jha, the India Satire team traced the application on the computer.

"Yes that was Recycle Bin," said Sanjay Jha "Rahul likes to talk in mystery form. It was a puzzle and I congratulate India Satire for finding it out."

Rahul earlier said "If India is computer, Congress its default programme." However, nobody in the nation could find out exact default program that relates Congress Party.

After consistent disruptions in both the houses of Parliament, UPA Government decided to give a special invite as a speaker to Times Now Editor and Anchor of News Hour Arnab Goswami. While UPA minister confirmed that the government has sent him a request, Arnab is yet to clear the air on the development.

"It is fuckingly irritating yaar. Every day, Parliament is disrupted by opposition party leaders and important bills like food security is stuck up. Both the speakers are helpless as like Manmohanji. We require somebody who can aggressively moderate the session and keep it going on. Arnab Goswami is perfect for that job. Though, we don't like that guy much because of the way he shouts on us it is fine for us to tolerate him for rest of the session. So that at least to clear the food security bill we can try this option," said Telecom Minister and idea originator Kapil Sibal.

Arnab Goswami is famous for his moderating skills and completing the discussion significant for the nation in only 1 hour. While many Congress leaders like Bhakta Charan Das and Abhishek Manu Singhvi who were victimized by Arnab Goswami initially were against the idea. However, for the sake of poor people in India they finally gave their consent.

However, Arnab has not yet accepted the offer. Kapil Sibal said "If he doesn't accept the offer we shall move Parliament to Times Now studio. Somehow, we want to stop opposition leaders for talking more than 2minutes and 15 seconds."

Nation said it is bored with same topics discussed over last 2 years and wants something new. The nation has sent a 5 page letter to the UPA Government asking it to decide new topics to be discussed over next 2 years.

"2013 is really a difficult year for the nation. Nothing new has happened during the year except drastic fall in the discussion over Sachin Tendulkar's retirement. However, same age old stories on corruption, crime, rape, terrorism, cross-border activities and Parliamentary disruptions jaded him throughout the year," said Pappu Pandey, a representative of nation to India Satire correspondent.

Pandey claimed that nation now wants something new and juicy. He said that the nation has written a 5-page letter to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to include topics which are more entertaining than 3Cs, corruption, crime and communalism for discussion.

"If I am right then I feel that the nation was suggesting something positive it wants to hear for next few years," said Pandey. 

Ex-Investment Banker Pappu Pandey finally receives his Blue Ration card that will help him in claiming benefits of food security scheme. Pappu Pandey left his high paid job and had applied for the below poverty line (BPL) status in April 2013.

"Thanks to my municipal corporator who helped me getting precious 'Blue Ration card' (indication of poorest of poor person) for just 25000 rupees. Now I can enjoy unstoppable esteemed service of Government and middle class Indians throughout my life," said Pappu Pandey.

Pappu said he is very happy as entire middle class in the nation along with rich people will work for him.

"That's a great feeling. I never wanted to work and waste my time to bring sweat to my body. It was great idea that somebody is working for me so that I will not sleep empty stomach. I would love to remain as a poor for rest of my life," said Pandey.

Talking about the entire process, Pappu Pandey said "It is very easy process. I transferred my properties to a charitable trust owned by my maid. I resigned from my job and met our municipal corporator who guaranteed me that blue ration card would get for around 25000 rupees. Now I have it. I initially thought to transfer my residential address to footpath but corporator said that it was not necessary. He also told me to construct a slum so that I will get free residence as well."

Pandey also suggested the ideas like marriage with servant will help in applying for blue ration card.

The UPA government had recently thrashed the idea of creating more and more jobs and attracting investments in various industries as a very long route to empower poor. The government said that food security bill will shorten the duration of sharing ultimate benefits to poor.

"We are more conclusive this time. Why waste energy in creating employment and attract investment? It is always easier and shorter route to channelize money from one's pocket to poor. See with this policy the poor will get food without doing anything. So rather than asking him to work and earn money for food we will directly put it in his pocket so what is the harm in this policy," said Food Minister KV Thomas.

However, Thomas expressed concerns over BJP stalling Parliament to stop the bills to be introduced. But Pappu Pandey said that now he is not worried about when bill will be passed in the Parliament as he knows till the Congress Party exists in India, pro-poor policies will continue forever.

"Thanks to Congress Party and its Bharat Nirmaan project, now I am eligible for food security. I am not worried about BJP's time pass in the Parliament because I know that someday the bill will be passed and I will get food for almost free of cost," said Pappu Pandey.

Jews in Israel and all over the world decided not to vote Narendra Modi in the upcoming elections after senior Congress leader Digvijay Singh confirmed that Gujarat Chief Minister follows Adolf Hitler.

"We are not going to vote him in our life. We didn't know that he was the follower of Hitler's tactics," said Tzipi Livni, Minister of Justice in Israel.

Livni said he will not tolerate emergence of communal leaders like Hitler again.

"We will never vote for a person who follows Hitler's tactics," said Livni.

Just after Digvijay's statement, new lakhs of followers from Israel added to his Facebook and Twitter account.

UPA Government is planning to bring 'Law against people with Anti-Poor sentiments' that will enable Indian law makers to punish people who oppose any of government's policies. According to sources, UPA ministers have passed the bill in the cabinet and likely to bring ordinance before winter session of Parliament.

"This is fuck! Any roadside guy comes on media and bashes on government's policies which are always pro-poor. Rather than getting appreciation, these people call us corrupt and stupid for introduction of such policies. That's rubbish. Now we are making it compulsory to all Indians and foreigners to appreciate our policies otherwise face the severe punishment under Law for Anti-Poor," said Telecom Minister Kapil Sibal.

According to sources, Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi set up a high level commission under Kapil Sibal, Salman Khurshid and Ajay Maken to study whether the government can stop anti-poor elements from bashing on government's policies. The sources said that Congress Party is the only party in the world that has synchronized its work with Indian poor for past 60 years. However, the government thinks that some stupid media channels and self called experts and intellectuals had always underrated its policies.

"Nobody in the history of mankind has served poor with so much of flawless love and dedication as much as Congress did. We want to continue to serve poor for at least next 1000 years. Madamji wants to give poor so much of comfort and free money that he would never say he wants to become rich. She wants a situation that poor would like to remain a poor for life. As Rahulji correctly said being poor is just a state of mind and that what we strive to change, we want to change the state of mind of poor," said Ajay Maken.

Maken said "But we have faced severe opposition from people who sits in AC cabin and had never visited poor man's house what Rahulji usually does. Therefore, finally we decided to bring this legislation so that poor will not remain deprived of UPA government's policies."

According to sources, the Act has provision of severe punishment to accused who opposes government's policies in public using his mouth or in his mind by using thought or in his brain through idea. The Act has also included punishment to opposition party leaders who always tried to stand still UPA's pro-poor policies.

"Just yesterday I showed photos of two poor people to Madamji and what I found was tears coming out of her eyes. Now enough is enough, we can't wait to implement this law. Whoever now will oppose her visionary ideas will be considered as anti-poor," said Salman Khurshid.

India's Finance Minister P Chidambaram said that the government will introduce 'Living In India Tax' (LIIT). The tax will be slapped on urban middle class, which anyways has no say in politics and government affairs, told P Chidambaram to reporters.

"Why don't they pay tax for living in India when such prosperous country they have for their residence? Look, you are not rich or poor, and therefore you have no fundamental right to live here for free of cost and that we think is final and justifiable," said P Chidambaram who is also thinking on charging tax on middle class voters who vote in the elections.

P Chidambaram was answering the queries of reporters on viability of food security bill in the current context of Indian economy. The reporters were arguing him with the added burden on Indian middle class.

"See the idea is simple, you will have a say in policies when you are either poor or rich. Rich have no issues if we put some additional tax burden on them.  They can earn by chewing middle class people. We then screw middle class and a bit rich people and pass the bucks to poor. So there is nothing left for middle class. Therefore, I would like to tell Indian middle class that till today you have enjoyed a free ride in the economy but now you have to ease your pockets to pay LIIT," said Chidambaram.

Indian middle class yet to react to P Chidambaram's idea of bringing LIIT, as its representative is mute and dumb.

Finally after years of torture to Indian politicians, particularly MPs and ministers of UPA Government, India's finance minister decided to charge 'shouting tax' on Times Now editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami with retrospective effect. The government is also planning to bring Anti-Shouting Bill in the next session of Parliament to shut mouths of other Indians and opposition leaders.

"This will be a good for our tax kitty," said Congress MP and one of the victims of Arnab Goswami's shouting torture Mr. Bhakta Charan Das.

He said that the tax will cover the bizarre kind of interruptions and rhetoric created by Arnab in the name of the nation.

"We really want to thank Mr. P Chidambaram for penalizing him with shouting tax. This is the only way to save politicians and take some money in the system. It was highly irritating when he used to shout on us, constantly interrupting while we were talking some sense. How can this guy stops us from fooling the nation? How so ridiculous! He was tarnishing our birth right of fooling Indians," said Sanjay Jha, Congress Spokesperson.

P Chidambaram confirmed that Arnab Goswami was constantly shouting since many years, adding to the noise pollution and needs to be taxed on retrospective basis.

"We will calculate all the decibels of his noises, interruptions he made between the talks of our sensible and intelligent leaders and will slap shouting tax on him. As there is no law on noise pollution created for human voices, we decided to introduce this new kind of tax in current Parliamentary session," said P Chidambaram.

Chidambaram said "Because of Arnab's shout we already have lost crores of rupees in carbon credit and that deficit he will have to pay. After Goswami, I want to bring many others under its ambit through Anti-Shouting Bill."

India's chain of restaurants Mainland China and Café Coffee Day (CCD) decided to open a chain of restaurant at Indian border, as growing Chinese intrusion opens up immense opportunities for food related business.

"We initially propose to open 25 restaurants and food outlets across the border from Ladakh to Arunachal Pradesh. We will offer them quality food so that they will feel homely," said Speciality Restaurants Chairman Susim Mukul Datta. Speciality Restaurants owns Mainland China brand.

Datta claimed that food at Mainland China is at par with Chinese food and Speciality Restaurants has already started campaigning of its brands in major Chinese cities.

"They can bring their families and citizens of other parts of China," said Datta "We will be ready by year end to serve them best Chinese dishes which they have never tasted in their country."

Chinese troops recently visited Arunachal Pradesh border. However, the visit lasted for 2 days only after they found lack of quality restaurants. Experts said that the illegal incursion offers huge opportunities for Indian food as well as retail industry. A recent Mckinsey report suggests that the market size across border is around $2bn and growing at 100% year on year.

"It is difficult to estimate the market size for the industry related to border as the incursion is the new buzz word for the country. However, we have done detailed study on Chinese food habits and their spending habit which gives us an awesome figure of $2bn," said Prakash Mishra, an analyst of Mckinsey.

The Mckinsey team is also working on the size of the market near Line of Control with Pakistan, from Gujarat to Kashmir.

Another chain of restaurants, Café Coffee Day is also working on plan to offer its different variety of food and coffee flavours to Chinese troops and their citizens.

"We identified this area where we feel that we can lead the market," said CCD in its press release.

The chain of restaurants clearly mentioned that Chinese habit to drink a lot of coffee would assure great returns to stakeholders and also much needed foreign currency to India.

Other food joints like McDonalds, Domino's Pizza and Starbucks have took a cautious stance and said that they are keenly watching the developments across the border and will make major announcements soon.

Continuing its success journey, producers of Once Upon Ay Time In Mumbai Dobaara (OUATIMD) announced next sequel of the film. The third part will comprehensively cover Dawood's life in Pakistan, his stomach related diseases and love affair with Lashkar-e-Taiba chief Hafiz Saeed, said the movie producers.

"We want to continue our success party. While most of the part of Dawood's life in India has already covered in first and second parts now we want to get into his life in Karachi. We will show his gastric troubles, indigestion related issues and few sexual diseases in our next flick. To surprise to our audience we are also going to cover his love affairs with Hafiz Saeed and resulting spat with his wives in Karachi," said movie producer Ekta Kapoor in a packed press conference.

Ekta Kapoor informed reporters that she had a candid chat with Dawood who told her to cover his life's most interesting part in the next sequel.

Kapoor said "He told me that his life was much exciting in Pakistan where he revealed that he actually had crush over male than female and got sexy boyfriend Hafiz Saeed. He also said that his stomach related issues like gases that still with him were never covered by any of the directors in India."

Ekta said that she requested Karan Johar to cover the love part of Hafiz Saeed and Dawood.

Lashkar-e-Taiba terrorist Abdul Karim Tunda requested Delhi Jail Authorities to arrange special screening of crime flick Once Upon Ay Time In Mumbai Dobaara (OUATIMD) according to sources in Delhi Jail.

"Tunda is always thrilled about the Indian crime stories and obsessed about the retro style herogiri chaap mafias. He said that watching OUATIMD will help him learn more about Dawood Ibrahim," said a constable in Delhi Jail. The authorities confirmed Tunda's demand and asked movie producer Balaji Motion Pictures to arrange a special screening.

Tunda's demand has immense significance as the movie was already watched by Mafia King Dawood Ibrahim in Pakistan.

"It opens up a bigger untapped audience in Pakistan for Bollywood producers," said retired Director and Bollywood expert, Mahesh Bhatt "We will love to make movies for wider audience like terrorists, criminals and Talibanis." Mahesh Bhatt also congratulated Ekta Kapoor, the movie producer for her great efforts on the script and the originality of the idea like love triangle of criminals and mafias.

According to sources, Tunda told jail authorities that he heard OUATIMD was the most original movie in the history of Indian cinema, however, banned in Pakistan and therefore decided to personally visit in India to watch the movie.

"Tunda confirmed us that he himself decided to hand him to us so that he could watch the movie," said the source.

The movie was not just popular among all the criminals but also among Indians and Pakistanis (downloaded through torrents). According to an independent survey agency Balaji Motions Survey, OUATIMD is the only movie that covered Dawood's life extensively. The surveyor claims that 99% Indians believe that OUATIMD was best crime movie in the Indian history and all others were rubbish. The surveyor also claimed that Dawood Ibrahim in Pakistan personally saw the movie and gave it 5 stars.

"Audience also compared OUATIMD with other crime related sagas like Chennai Express and gave 6 stars against 5 stars. Now Tunda's demand for a special screening of the movie means real payout to the efforts of director and producers of the film," said Ekta Kapoor, Chief Surveyor of Balaji Motions Survey.

Ekta Kapoor said "I congratulate the movie producer Ekta Kapoor and say thanks to her, bowing my head down for bringing such a fantabulous art in front of the Indian audience. I request her to continue this kind of efforts for the well being of criminals, an underrated audience of Indian movies."

India Satire introduces Dr. Know-it-all who answers all the questions in the universe. Guys, this doctor knows everything and important is that he can solve all of your problems. So anything that sucks your brain just shoot.

Our first question comes from a gullible reader who has fallen prey to yet another Internet hoax:

Dear Know-it-all,

I went to the movies with my friends today. We only had two options at our local theater – The Conjuring and Chennai Express. Since we were in the mood for some scares, we chose to see Chennai Express. I recently received a forwarded email which mentioned that anything Deepika says in her Tamil accent, when played backwards, reveals Satanic messages which affect the viewers subliminally. Is that true?

- living in fear

Dear living in fear,

Don't be silly. It's common knowledge that you don't need to play her dialogues backwards to hear those messages.

It's like no one has even heard of snopes. 

The next question comes from a self-proclaimed Indian patriot. Yeah, one of those guys:

Dear know-it-all,

Why is the government trying to push the changes to the RTI act? Does it think that all Indians are idiots and will let them do it?

- A true patriot.

Dear true patriot,

I don't know about other Indians being idiots, but you certainly are one. Can't you see that the call for amendments to the act has finally united all the political parties to fight for a common cause? Even the Independence Day speeches could not do that. I say it's absolutely worth it even if takes a Right To Information Pact(see what I did there?) to get them to act together for once.

Dear Know-it-all,

I've heard rumours that the recent cricket series between India and Zimbabwe was fixed. Was it?

- A cricket fan

Dear cricket fan,

You're right, that series was fixed. But now how you think – there were no towels or other signalling infrastructure involved. After making some detailed inquiries which included some frenzied Googling and asking Prabhakar to shoot some grainy videos, I've come to the inevitable conclusion – all the games were computer generated by the BCCI (I think Randy may be involved too). Now before you dismiss my claim citing the Law of Averages (even I have to be wrong one day), just answer the following question – have you ever met anyone who has claimed to have seen that particular series in person or on television? Exactly. Also, repeated attempts to get any information from Kohli who was the 'captain' for this 'series' were met with non-committal responses like 'Who are you and what have you done to the real milkman?' and 'What are you doing inside my fridge?' and 'No, I will not give you my autograph on that!' I rest my case.

That's it for yet another edition. Just remember what a wise person once said before hitting that send button - 'There's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people who ask said questions.'

The doctor is also available at THIS, THAT AND EVERYTHING

You can also contact him personally at

Twitter: @anuj_mathur(https://twitter.com/anuj_mathur)

Indian Government decided to impose 125% duty on Chennai Express turnover, after the movie made huge box office collections. The government intends to reduce fiscal deficit and to fund the falling rupee by slapping a 'Loose Entertainment Tax' on movies like Chennai Express. While the step was welcomed by sensible people, Chennai Express producers slammed it as a move that will hurt investments in Bollywood. According to a government circular released late last night, Chennai Express producers will have to pay 125% of revenue they make from the movie. The revenue includes revenue from box office collection, satellite rights, audio rights and whatever they collect in other ways. It means if producers make 200 crore rupees, they will have to pay 250 crore rupees to the government.

"Our intention is clear; better utilize Indian human resources in more productive way than wasting time and money on stupid things like watching Chennai Express. I seriously have issues on people wasting time for 3 hours which is not going to add anything positive to the economy and instead it will add to the deficit and rupee devaluation. The UPA Government always favoured one policy, 'work hard, suck hard, chew hard and then shift that product of middle class to poor'. We have never deviated from this policy. Earlier we tried to curb stupid spending on gold, then TV sets and now on senseless movie tickets," said India's Finance Minister P Chidambaram. Chidambaram confirmed that he watched the movie on weekend and felt that it was seriously nonsensical and unproductive weekend.

The government on Monday evening slapped a 10% Customs duty and 12.5% countervailing duty on buying of TV sets from abroad, as part of its efforts to discourage import of non-essential items and reduce the current account deficit that has put enormous pressure on the rupee. The duty on movies like Chennai Express is next step to mobilize human resources to more productive work like late sitting in the office, work from home, over time and don't bother to work on Sundays as well. The government said it will take the move forward on case to case basis and will be applied only on movies making more than 100 crore rupees.

"We will identify waste of time and energy movies. That only will give us huge amount in terms of taxes and efficiency. So movies like Krrish 3 and Dhoom 3 can come under the gambit," said Chidambaram.

Few experts were happy that the government is cracking down the unproductive stuff like watching movies. However, they also demanded that people who use their time wasting on Twitter for bashing government on its policies rather than promoting to wide population should also come under the ploy.

"This will improve productivity and fuel growth," said an observer, Sanjay Jha in his twitter account. He also tweeted "Put some tax on twitteraties who waste their time on bashing government and #pappu."

The development however, criticized by Chennai Express producers and directors and both tweeted that the tax will be detrimental to investment in bollywood movies.

"I apologize to the people of India for making such hopeless movie. But paying 125% tax is not the punishment. This is Gandhian country and you always have to forgive people who make mistakes. By offering such offensive measure, the government will stop people investing in me and more directors like me," said Chennai Express director Rohit Shetty.

Benefits from imposing duty on Chennai Express

Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar alleged Narendra Modi's hand for Rajrani Express accident in which at least 25 pilgrims are feared dead. While showing sympathies to the families of dead pilgrims, Nitish Kumar told media that the steering wheel of the train was manufactured in Surat and indicated a bigger conspiracy against JD (U) Government. Kumar also suspects RJD Supremo Lalu Prasad Yadav's hand in maligning his image in Bihar.

"The steering wheel of Rajrani Express that manufactured in Surat was faulty and driver lost his control. I ask Railway Ministry to set up inquiry on why such incidents have been relating to Gujarat," said Nitish Kumar.

According to reports, at least 25 people were killed after the speeding Saharsa-Patna Rajya Rani Express ran over them at Bhamara Railway Station between Saharsa and Mansi sections of Samastipur division in Bihar on Monday morning. Railway officials confirmed deaths of only 12 in the incident. The victims, mostly pilgrims of the Kanwaria sect (devotees of Lord Shiva) were standing on the railway tracks when the mishap took place. Local passenger threw stones at the train which pulled over after the tragedy. The driver was then reportedly thrashed to death. Train services were suspended on the route following the accident.

Talking to media, Nitish Kumar told that the guard who changes signal from red to green had given his vote to Rashtriya Janata Dal leader in past elections and therefore he suspect a bigger conspiracy in the accident.

Pakistan has decided to put a talking parrot on Line of Control (LoC) for constantly indulging in talks with its neighbouring nation, India. The parrot is blessed with long life and will utter words like 'peace process', 'peace talks' and 'no terrorism', said Pakistan leaders.

"We want to get into peace talks with India forever. As our leaders are now bored with the same words and same promises we thought of putting a parrot who will ask for 'peace talks' every time some bomb blasts or terror attacks or even attacks from Pakistan military will take place," said Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif.

Sharif said "It's very boring thing these days talking same nonsense of peace process and fucking anti terrorism things. Therefore, we decided to try something new this time. First we condemned India in our Parliament and then we are going to put a parrot at LoC."

Nawaz Sharif informed India Satire correspondent that he is planning to send his personal monkey in the UN General Assembly meet where Manmohan Singh was personally planned to meet him.

"My monkey is a very smart ass and he is equipped with managing such kind of meetings. He will never get bored committing about peace with India," said Sharif.

A Delhi based political leader of leading national party has suffered a loss of 80% of her wealth following the recommendations of stalwarts like SP Tulsian, Sudarshan Sukhani and Rakesh Jhunjhunwala. The lady is representing her party as President and her son as Vice President. She filed Police complaint against all the above mentioned three guys for giving misleading recommendations.

"I saw tears in my mother's eyes," said son of the President of the political party "We both lost almost 80% of our wealth in the stock markets. Today's fall in the Sensex was a cherry on deep shitty cake. Finally, we decided to complain against Tulsian, Sukhani and Jhunjhunwala whom we followed in our carnage of portfolio."

According to sources, the lady has strengthened India's economy by directing the Prime Minister on the right path. However, she felt that she was misguided by few investment analysts and investors. Now she is taking a legal route to get her money back from these 3 guys.

"I always told her to act on my suggestions as I am her home made portfolio manager. However, she decided to take advice of outsiders," said Finance Minister P Chidambaram. Chidambaram is popular of predicting stock market directions in most prudent ways. He has a hit rate of 99% when stocks tumble.

(Fake News – Please don't mind)

With a firm determination to change, the New India (a composition of young and old Indians) confirmed that it will be more and more abusive and radical towards 'people' who are biased and hypocrite. The people include politicians and media persons who for years fooled Indians living in old India.

"The significance of New India comes after the torture faced by Old India which didn't have access to social media and real time news and debates. The old India always deprived from the truthful news and firm opinions from the people who can talk reality. Lack of proper platform to debate and argue against the hypocrisy and lies was another issue. But today the New India has everything, it has thinking power, it has platform to debate and it has clever mind that differentiates good and evil. The new India is with a powerhouse that will never tolerate the hypocrisy showed by media journalists, powerful thinkers and stupid politicians," said Rajat Bedi, one of the representatives of new India.

The new India has also been alleged by great media journos like Rajdeep Sardesai that it is abusive and impatient which also led him to feel that now India is finished. Taking all the allegations as complements, Rajat Bedi said that the new India has to be abusive and radical as it has always been stopped from pointing out what was fair.

"We never saw a fair view point from media. The media which was courageous enough to cover Gujarat riots in 2002, showed its back when it came to Mumbai Azaad Maidaan riots, J&K Kishtwar issue and Assam riots. When the media has now answers and still wants to continue with same mechanism rather than change itself, it has to face the ire from this new India which is impatient for change," said Rajat Bedi.

He said that there was no sense talking about politicians which are by default statue-of-hypocrisy. He also firmly believes that abuse is nothing but the flow of torture that old India faced after the social pillars fooled them.

He said "I accept that new India is a bit abusive but I believe that it will continue. I feel the new India is a bit impatient for a change. It is waiting for better governance, full transparency and development. Till date all intellects accepted his dumbness now everyone has to acknowledge his speaking power."