A Congress leader (name withheld) found praying God that his son should not become like their idol Mahatma Gandhi and should behave like other Congress leader.

"Hey God! Please please please, my son should not behave like Gandhiji. He should be normal Congress leader who just for the sake of idolizing worships Gandhiji," a Congress leader found saying in a religious place (religion withheld for secularism).

The leader said "My son should understand business of politics like other Congress leaders do. He has to master in bending system for himself like Congress Ministers generally do. He also needs to understand using the Indian political dynasty for his own benefit. God! Please bless him with the strength of instructing Priyanka Madam's son and daughter in his best benefits when he becomes young. I don't want him to become selfless, sacrificing and non-violent guy just like our idol Mahatma Gandhi. I want him to become a guy who uses qualities of idol for his own advantage."

The India Satire Correspondent reported that the leader went on talking with God for a pretty long hour. The leader also requested God that his son needed to have the qualities of identifying right person on PM's chair and pushing for right dumb candidate on Congress President's post.

Indian Government has decided to outsource all the internal and external security matters from private players on urgent basis. The decision has been viewed as major reform in the security sector in India, which has been felt to be overhauled by various sections of the society after disaster in handling issues like rape, relationship with Italy, China and Pakistan.

"Boss it is fuckingly irritating. Providing security to Indians is not our job. Are we fucking security guards?" asked Salman Khurshid, India's External Affairs Minister.

He said "Our job is to improve bilateral ties with our neighbors and open up more and more sectors for foreign investments. Guys, if we keep on hanging on the security, corruption and paltry rape kind of issues how can we deliver in terms of growth and economic development. Security matters should be privatized and as earlier PM Manmohan Singh said should be localized. Let the local private players in partnership with foreign entities handle the issues."

According to sources, in a recent Chintan Meeting of Congress Party High Command decided to focus on promising to deliver rather than actual delivery, as that would be a major kicker in the upcoming elections. However, the meeting also concluded that till the time the government gets rid of unnecessary issues like rape, Chinese incursion, Italian marines and relation with Pakistan, focus on real issues such as poll will hardly come. Therefore, Party high command decided to outsource security matters to private players and focus on attracting more and more voters to vote in the next elections.

"Our first draft for 100% Privatization of Indian Security is ready and we expect that in Winter Session of Parliament, the government will present the bill," said Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.

An urban man felt sorry after he came to know on Twitter that Ayushmann Khurrana is actually alive. He regretted for buying movie tickets of Khurrana's 'Nautanki Saala'.

"I thought he was dead and therefore bought tickets for his movie 'Nautanki Saala'. It was a small tribute to upcoming star Khurrana by patiently watching that movie for 2 hours. But now as he is not dead, I feel I have made grave mistake of my life," said Ramakant Desai.

Ramakant Desai, a fan of good and watchable movies bought two tickets for Nautanki Saala. He was going for the movie with his girlfriend. Desai thought it would be a good idea to give mark of respect to the freshest star by watching totally stupid movie.

"I never saw Ramakant excited about some crappy and tasteless movie. But he called me in the afternoon said that he wanted to watch Nautanki Saala as the guy starring in the movie is no more. He sincerely wanted to show honor to Ayushmann," said Julie Joseph Fernandes, Ramakant's girlfriend.

Ramakant said "We have now decided to watch the movie just to punish ourselves for our silliest mistake of believing in this kind of rumour."

Leading market expert and stock analyst SP Tulsian recommended buying gold at whatever price it is available.

"I have studied earlier pattern in the gold prices. I found that whenever gold prices tumble sharply an ace investor Bappi Lahiri buys tons of gold just to add to his jewellery," said Tulsian supporting his argument.

He said Bappi Lahiri who is famous for his investment in gold uses opportunity of falling gold prices for re-entry.

"He was the stabilising factor last time in the gold crash. His investment pattern similar like LIC, which supports equity markets by buying equities at the time of crash. Same way Bappi Lahiri also buys tons of gold from several central banks in the world when the prices tumble," said SP Tulsian.

He also said that whenever Lahiri magic works out, the gold prices become double in a year or two.

Makrand Deshpande's Sona Spa is in huge demand after gold prices in India and globe crashed sharply today. According to experts, people who lost their money in gold visited Sona Spa for relaxation. Sources close to Makrand Deshpande said that Deshpande even had to face outrage of many customers on limited availability of seats.

"Yes that's true. As I was unable to attend every customer, they are coming on appointment only," said Makrand Deshpande, who recently launched Sona Spa along in a partnership with Naseeruddin Shah.

Gold prices crashed today on account of weakening global growth, particularly China's GDP growth tumbled today. Currently, prices are trading at Rs26000 levels down from the highs of Rs32000 levels. Therefore, crash in the gold prices resulted in heavy demand for Sona Spa.

"At one point of time, there was a queue of at least 1000 people," said an eye witness who saw the madness of people for booking an appointment with Sona Spa.

Makrand Deshpande launched Sona Spa on March 22 with an idea to help people using revitalization techniques. He appointed many beautiful girls. However, after initial poor response Makrand Deshpande sacked all the girls and he himself started massaging people. Naseeruddin Shah works for part-time.

The eye witness said "People realised that only Sona Spa can reduce their depression from losing money in bullion market and will allow them to sleep nicely."

The eye witness also saw equity market expert SP Tulsian at the venue discovering the possibility of getting an early entry.

"He was asking Deshpande for early entry to get some relaxation after losing huge money in the gold market. He put a plan of exchanging his stock tips at free of cost for entry in Sona Spa," said the eye witness.

SP Tulsian confirmed the news.

"Sona Spa is best place where people can remove their aggravation and revitalize themselves. Even I had been there and made myself comfortable. I trust in fundamental value of the Spa and I think it has bright prospects," said market analyst SP Tulsian.

Tulsian said that he bought 100kg gold at Rs 32000 levels after he received SMS from commodity tipper saying that gold would touch 50000 rupees in 2 months.

"Yea that was the wrong call. It was first time that I had not trusted on my own fundamental idea. I was feeling that gold could have touched Rs 10000 levels but still I believed on tip. Now I can't even average it out," said Tulsian.

However, he thanked Sona Spa for helping him getting rid of his frustration.

Skinny actor Deshpande said "My idea behind launching Sona Spa was only public welfare. Sona hai toh sona hai. Tagline of my Sona Spa is 'You can buy your sleep here'."

He said "It was difficult to manage depression from losing 10-20% value in gold. Sona Spa takes care of your frustration and helps you out to become comfortable. I myself give you good massage and relaxation treatment as all lady attendant left the Spa for non-payment of salary."

Sony has developed new earphones for its mobile to radio devices which improves hearing ability of user by twice he has, according to the company press release.

"We have developed special kind of earphones under our program 'Ear Empowerment'. I want to congratulate the engineering team which developed such a wonderful product that is good for entire humanity. Regular use of these earphones improves hearing capacity by twice. Now you can even hear what a special cute girl near you talking in her mind. Yea but the condition is she should talk loud in her mind," said Sony Corp Chairman Sir Howard Stringer.

Talking about the earphones in detail, he said "Daily use of these earphones develops a white mucus in the ears. The mucus has ability to clean ears and improves power of hearing. More and more listening of songs, especially loud and clamorous like dog is barking or sound of krrrrrrrrr.... would start improvement faster and you can see expected results in 15 days."

Sony Corporation is a leading electronics maker and manufactures Television, mobile handsets, radios, DVD players, etc. The company tried to answer criticisms that has persistently made on music industry that using earphones is bad for ears.

"That is bullshit. These earphones are good for actually ears. Only caution you have to take is that keep these earphones at least for 21 hours in a day," said Mr. Stringer.

Both News print and television media is busy in searching more cruel and highly vampirish photo of Narendra Modi to regain the confidence of majority Indians, according to the sources.

"Majority of Indians represented by Congress men believe that Narendra Modi is Maut ka Saudagar and Yamraj still he is getting so much popularity. Media is also concerned over rising popularity of Modi," said the source.

According to estimates presented by Congress Party President in its annual conference, Congress Party represents 98% of Indians while rest 2% is communal and goes with BJP. Still ever growing popularity of Modi amazes them.

"Indian memory is very short and they forgot that we recently described Modi as Yamraaj and just few years back as Maut ka Saudagar," said Congress Spokesperson and part time minister Manish Tewari.

According to sources, most of the media including news print and TV channels are searching for some brutal picture of Narendra Modi to let people know that this man is like vampire.

"I am concern about Indian people and as a journalist who knows the fact that this guy was a real demon, I am not able to do anything," said Rajdeep Sardesai, Editor in Chief of CNN IBN.

He said "Even I came to know that all journos are searching for the real face of Modi in which he looks like a blood eating vampire."

Only one news paper was succeeded in finding a photo which shows Modi in atrocious mood. The photo on Economic Times news paper shows that a bunch of bees are finding honey from his white beard and Modi was laughing (as shown in the article).

"Yes that's true we are also searching for such kind of photo so that we will represent his actual face in front of the world in our Breaking News program," said Rajat Sharma of India TV.

Indian government expects that fat and healthy below poverty line (BPL) and economically weaker section (EWS) people will lose their weight by an average 20 kilograms after sugar decontrol measures.

"We are on the right track. All BPL and EWS people will have good chance to lose their weight by at least 20 kgs by reducing sugar intake. Sugar also increases risks of diabetes and other life style diseases from which these fat and lazy guys will automatically be protected," said Food and Consumer Affairs Minister KV Thomas.

The Cabinet Committee on Economic Affairs (CCEA) on Thursday approved a food ministry proposal seeking freedom to mills from supplying subsidised sugar for state-run welfare programs — known as levy sugar — and scrapping the release order mechanism through which the government controls sugar sales in the open market, as suggested by a panel set up by Prime Minister Manmohan Singh last year.

According to Planning Commission estimates released in 12^th Plan suggest that BPL and EWS people in India are fat and lazy and hardly add anything to GDP. The commission also pointed out rising risks of lifestyle diseases such as diabetes and requires getting immediate life line from the government in terms of removing subsidies on sugar.

The BPL community welcomed the decision of the government for partial decontrol. It also suggested for full decontrol immediately so that they would full benefits.

Rampal Yadav, a UP based farmer said "That was a cool decision. Wow, these mandatory measures are great for our routine diet. I already told my wife that we will stop eating sugar from tomorrow and start exercising. That will help us improve our diet. We are also planning to shift to 'Sugar Free' so that we will get cheap and healthy sweetener."

In line with the popularity measures taken by South superstar Rajinikanth, Congress Party will launch book on Rahul Gandhi jokes to make nation aware about his super natural powers. The book will be published this year and would regularly be updated.

"Rahul Gandhi is famous entertainer to the nation. But, people are still unaware about his super natural power. We want that to come forward in same way Rajinikanth was revealed to Indians," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Rajinikanth is India's only living super hero who used to throw Mars on Venus or dump airplane in graveyard. However, recently for some unknown reasons his public relations agency cooled down the aggressive strategies of promoting his super natural powers. Sources said that the agency is working on the strategies to promote Rahul Gandhi. Releasing Rahul Gandhi Jokes is the first step under this strategy.

"Yes we are working on Rahul Gandhi. Our analyst stayed with him for last 1 year and identified many super natural powers in him. We want to disclose those in the joke book," said the agency head Sachin Chavan.

He said "Take an example. Rahul Gandhi broke the inflation in pieces and it is now at 2% or something."

Congress Party expects that the book will be a mega hit and all the social media fans of Rahul will distribute it with love and affection.

Few examples of jokes on Rahul from the book

¨       After Rahul Gandhi became Prime Minister, he broke inflation in 4 pieces and sent them USA, China, Pakistan and Sri Lanka

¨       Rahul Gandhi stared at Arun Jaitley who is now roaming as smoke in the clouds

¨       Sushma Swaraj learnt dancing from Rahul Gandhi

¨       Rahul Gandhi taught Atal Bihari Vajpayee in his child hood how to take big pauses while talking

¨       Rahul asked Arun Jaitley tell me how you will reduce corruption and Jaitley blasted immediately

¨       Sex has stopped itself from having sex with beautiful lady after watching Rahul

¨       Underwear that 'Superman' wears was actually stitched by Rahul Gandhi

¨       Rahul Gandhi has double the size of Salman Khan, if he removes his clothes