After some relief from recent stock market rally, big bull investor finally decided to buy new clothes on Diwali. According to sources, he lost all his clothes as his portfolio took a big hit in a big carnage in Indian stock markets that came by July end to August end this year.

"Now I am happy, I can buy new clothes in Diwali," said Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, an ace investor and inspiration to many on Dalal Street.

He also gave a new target of 6700 for Nifty when Sensex just touched an all time high and said that it was painful month when the markets tumbled from 6000 levels to 5000. However, due to immense hot weather in Mumbai helped him to manage life without clothes.

Revealing the success how he managed to make turnaround, Jhunjhunwala said "I acted on the advices given by SP Tulsian."

Australian coach Mickey Arthur strictly asked Australian cricket team to keep the target below 300 or score at least 600 to stop India in 7^th one day international match. In a staggering revelation, Arthur said he found real weakness of Indian team after a lot of research.

"My personal computer suggested me that whenever Australian team scores below 300 runs, it defeats India. However, when Australia runs more than 300 then India comfortably wins that match. Therefore, I asked my team to contain their hunger for more and more runs against 'C' grade Indian bowling," said Mickey Arthur.

The sources said that Arthur issued a strict letter and asked George Bailey and Shane Watson to limit their temptations to score high against Indian bowling so that score would not move beyond 300 runs.

Arthur said "My research suggest that either we will have to limit our score at around 300 or needs to score more than 600 runs to save ourselves from Virat Kohli's monstrous attack."

In another important revelation, due to high scores scored by Australian batsmen, the world ignored Australia's 'D' grade bowling line up, said the sources. Yesterday night in a party, therefore Australian bowlers thanked Indian counterparts.

In a candid chat with the India Satire correspondent, Salman Khurshid confirmed that he always felt like idiot while defending UPA Government's stupid policies. Minister of External Affairs, however, asked the India Satire to maintain confidentiality and disclose it only in front of its readers.

"I really feel I am a big hoodwink when I say that this policy of UPA is good that policy is good and defend it," said Salman Khurshid "However, in reality from bottom of my heart all those policies are stupid ones and one should not believe that in return they would really meant for the welfare of people."

Salman Khurshid told correspondent "What all kind of garbage policies these people come up with. Forget policies these guys have no intention to break the policy paralysis and reduce inflation. I feel fucking whenever I say something else and I have something other in my mind."

First time in his marred life, India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal won an argument against his wife, Promila Sibal, said sources present at the event. According to sources, Sibal was trying to justify the inevitable increase in the milk and onion prices.

"When he came from his office Promilaji straight asked him stinging question why prices are rising," said Sanjay, a sweeper in Kapil Sibal's house.

Promilaji was already angry over rise in onion prices but her angst exploded when dudhwala bhaiyaa hiked milk prices, said Sanjay.

He said "Sibalji tried to justify her that there is zero loss till he was minister in the UPA government so she should not need to worry. He also told her that price rise is inevitable as the poor and deprived should get money from some pockets and that are of well to do middle class."

"Reacting to his barbs, Promilaji immediately told him in that case she would vote Narendra Modi," said Sanjay "The argument continue to go on and till Promilaji called him stupid and Sibalji ended the conversation by calling her 'shut up you communal'."

Krrish 3 producer Rakesh Roshan said that he would personally distribute Krrish under wears and Krrish rain coats on the eve of movie release.

"We will be distributing 1.2 million under wears and raincoats that Krrish wears across all the theaters in India on the eve of the premier. Both these outfits are symbols of superheroes," said Rakesh Roshan.

Rakesh Roshan said that there is a big craze about superheroes in India and people don't mind anything to spend to access these outfits. He said these outfits are for both kids and adults.

"These under wears are made for superheroes and they are very flexible. Kids and youth can wear them both inside and outside trousers," said Rakesh Roshan.

Rakesh Roshan said he would personally give both the outfits at the premier show and followers of Krrish can join the cues.

Following is the checklist/guide which you wanted before deciding anything about Krrish 3.

Things you should know about Krrish 3

¨       Obviously, it is better than Guzaarish but not better than Ra-one – sources

¨       Movie is made for kids but adults are also allowed – Rakesh Roshan, movie's director.

¨       Two 'rr' in Krrish 3 title is inspired from Kangana Ranaut's strange accent…. Krrriiirrrrrrr krrrrriiiirrrrrr… - sources

¨       Movie director Rakesh Roshan told viewers not to watch Krrish 3 if they already watched Superman – Man of Steel.

¨       Kids disheartened after they came to know about so many kissing scenes in the movie. They protested against Censor board for not cutting the kissing / liplock scenes from the movie, kids association declared ban on the movie. Police issued a high alert as intelligence said Indian kids would burn theaters across the country.

¨       Script has considered most of the Hollywood super hero movies like Superman, Spiderman, Hulk, X-Men, Iron Man, etc. The script also gave due importance to Indian super hero movies like Shiva Ka Insaaf, Ra-One, Rajanikanth flicks and masterpiece serial 'Shaktimaan', said Rakesh Roshan. Alert- Movie is not 6 hours duration.

¨       Movie is unique from other English super hero films in terms of all the family mixture, respect to Pappa, Mummy and granny, love to wife, dreams of extra marital affairs, emotional melodrama, etc.

¨       Krrish 3's Pappa (Hrithik himself) looks irritating. He has put a lot of overacting in the film. Many who watched the movie said Johny Lever would have been better choice.

¨       Movie is damn boring – sources

¨       Rakesh Roshan thrashed all the rumours that the movie is based on Rahul Gandhi's life.

¨       Shahrukh will decide sequel of Ra-One based on success of Krrish 3

¨       Priyanka Chopra tried to give sensible expressions with little clothes. Sources said first time in her life she showed her true smile and not fake one, though people still can't believe it.  Note: clothes are marginally more than the real nudity, sensible.

¨       Contest – Whose smile is more fake/plastic one, Aishwarya or Priyanka? Please give your answers in the comments section.

¨       Vivek Oberoi will officially be declared as defunct hero and useless villain after this movie. Uday Chopra plans his comeback as a villain in Krrish 4.

¨       It is better than Grand Masti and Himmatwala – sources

¨       Kangana Ranaut tried to talk in English. She gave expressionless witchy looks in most of the scenes. Caution – Whenever she shouts in the film a voice of kiiirrrrrrrrrr …, which is likeable to all vampires and devils. So stay cautious on your seats – Issued in public interest

¨       This movie will confirm Kangana don't look sexy – Rakesh Roshan

¨       Special force of makeup men called from Polish cinema to remove Hrithik's sick and ugly looks that continued from Guzaarish.

¨       Movie is better than Ram Leela – sources

Disclaimer: Movie is neither based on Rahul Gandhi's life nor Narendra Modi's life. It is neither secular nor communal. It is neither fun nor entertainment.

Talking about sudden aggression in Rahul's speeches, one senior Congress leader confirmed that the party removed a small defective part from his brain and now the puppet is ready to take on Narendra Modi and BJP.

"We recently fixed one damaged part and removed another defective one," said Congress General Secretary and spokesperson Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul in his early days of politics.

Digvijay Singh told India Satire correspondent that the repairing work was taken after complaints from regional as well as few senior Congress leaders over lacking of aggression and enthusiasm in Rahul's speeches.

"The repairing work was necessary. Now after this repairing work, Rahul has become a perfect PM candidate and would listen exactly perform as we ask him too," said Digvijay Singh.

Talking about the issues which the party leaders fixed, he said "We fixed issues related to secularism by putting some more drama in the floppy of his brain and we removed defective part called wisdom which was still there in his brain, a minor quantity of 2%. Now he is perfect and can give provocative and aggressive speeches and can also take on Modi one on one."

Digvijay Singh in his ending remarks "Finally, what actually matters is that is he ready to become best puppet in our hands. Ha ha ha."

India Satire presents a guide to Ram Gopal Varma's (RGV) upcoming movie Satya 2. This guide can be used as a movie preview. Person who reads this guide and still wants to go to the movie then go with full preparation of mind. India Satire highly recommends reading this guide to its audience.

Entertainment Quotient: He he he… Nothing

Risk Levels: Highest, carry your helmets to save your brains

Things you may want to know about Satya 2

What do you want to know?

Nothing

Who the hell created this movie and why?

This is Ram Gopal Varma's movie. Even he is searching why he is still directing movies, may be because of his unconditional for nasty movies and audience. An independent study by MIT said that it will take at least 751 years more to digest RGV's movies by sane mind.

Who will watch this movie?

Possibly, you may not watch after reading this preview / guide. RGV and Amitabh will definitely watch with few unfortunates from the film crew.

Is it a Satya's sequel?

Who told you it is Satya's sequel? This is a sequel of RGV's blockbuster 'RGV ki Aag' which he himself watched at least 100 times.

Is RGV's captive actor Amitabh working in the film?

Amitabh Bachchan regrets for not working in Satya 2. It was his nasty dream to complete at least 25 bizarre films. Earlier he was in Sarkaar Raj, Nishabd, RGV ki Aag and few more wacky films from RGV's basket.

Is it better than Mithun's 90s epic Gundaa?

RGV said the movie is better than Mithun's Gundaa

Who is the hero and why the hell he is working with RGV?

RGV paid around 1 crore to the unnamed hero for keeping expressionless face throughout the movie

What are the critics recommending, particularly greats like Taran Adarsh?

RGV met Bollywood Hungama's Taran Adarsh to convince him for giving at least five stars to the film. According to sources, Taran Adarsh agreed.

Is this a typical predictable movie?

Nothing is predictable in the movie. Everything is unpredictable like gang wars, hero dies in the end, mafia raaj, different strategies to kill enemies, cool expressions, expressionless faces making some stupid strategies that look intelligent, words of wisdom from some penniless gundaa, few disenchanting sex scenes and everything that you know about RGV's crime movie.

Who is villain?

Few ridiculous and heinous looking south Indian faces will be villains along with RGV.

What are the chances of box office success for the movie?

The movie will be the biggest hit of the year in Andhra Pradesh, said sources.

Which one would be better Satya 2 or Ram Leela?

Both are from similar genre 'ridiculous' and from similar kind of directors 'insane', so choice is yours.

What are India Satire's recommendations?

Helmets are allowed in the theatres. Please carry them and wear them while watching Satya 2. If you get bored then allow your wife to talk, it would be better entertainment.

Divine saint turned rapist, sorry rapist turned divine saint oh sorry again, Asaram Bapu who is currently in jail on rape charges said that he will follow celibacy if Court lets him go to his ashram.

"That's not difficult for the divine saints like me. We can easily switch from rapes to celibacy for eternity. If Court wants me to show self-restraint then how difficult is that. I can go and follow it in the ashram," said Asaram Bapu in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Asaram Bapu was charged for raping a minor in Rajasthan. However, he continuously denied the allegations. This is first time that he confirmed his crime in front of public.

"How does that matter? I will stop raping and would make my life divine by indulging only in masturbation," said Bapu.

God has decided to contest for 2014 elections, said a circular issued from the heaven. According to the circular, God said he was literally fucked up with what is happening on the earth and particularly in India. He said that widespread corruption, scams, crime and communalism hurts him and wants to build a new society free of all these sins. However, Indian politicians denied him entry claiming that he lacks any juice that would pull the crowd.

"I want to build a peaceful society with no scams, corruption, crime and communal tension and therefore I thought of contesting elections in 2014," said God. According to sources, God is yet to decide which party he wants to join or whether he wants to stay independent.

He said "I am not sure about UPA or NDA or be independent. But I would like support candidates with clean characters."

Both Congress and BJP told India Satire correspondent that they received a request from the God for joining the party.

"I am not sure what kind of developmental agenda God will bring to the table. Rather than criticizing us on communalism he should check what he had done through Congress Party over the years. He himself supported corrupt UPA for 9 years. Now people want change and therefore we are pushing for Modiji," said BJP President Rajnath Singh.

Congress General Secretary, Digvijay Singh said "I am doubtful that God has any secular credentials. I think he wants to divide loyal vote bank of Congress party for RSS and therefore he was criticizing us on the lines of corruption. I can only say there is only one Godess and she is in Congress party and if she gives him a secular certificate then only we will review his application."

Reacting to Economic Times and AC Nielsen's voter survey, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi finally decided to marry once and for all. The step is considered as a first move to outpace Narendra Modi in the elections.

"I am happy that Rahul has taken this decision. We are going to make a formal announcement in next few days that Rahul is seeking for good looking girl with age no barrier," said Congress General Secretary and Rahul's unofficial mentor Digvijay Singh.

According to sources at 10 Janpath, Rahul Gandhi hurriedly decided to announce his marriage and fix selection of bride and marriage date post 2014 elections to attract large women voters in the country.

"Rahul told us that age is no criteria. He is willing to marry from 18 years old to 99 years old girl. He is willing to go beyond 99 years old if the bride is good looking, smart and good cook," said Digvijay Singh "It will attract 50% women voters towards Congress party and outpace Modi's campaign."

The sources confirmed that such move would immediately attract 50% women voters, mummies, aunties and other ladies to vote to Congress. The sources also said that Rahul is ready for marriage has increased excitement amongst nannies, grannies, mummies, aunties and girls.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi's daughter and Vice President Rahul Gandhi's sister, charismatic Priyanka Gandhi made her first public appearance when whole India was talking about her role in 2014 elections. Party recently confirmed that she would attend only two election rallies of her brother and mother.

"I can say putting my right palm on my left heart that sexy and gorgeous people never enter into politics. Only some idiot, dumbasses get into this crap, I am not that kind and therefore don't want to get into all this," said Priyanka Gandhi.

When India Satire journalist asked her that her brother and mother are into politics, she said "Oh really! I was not aware about that."

Showing their adamant behavior towards adjustment or change, few people said that they still feel doing job is shitty and fucking awful thing.

"What the fuck yaar? I still don't know till when I am going to come to this shitty hole and do some stupid work which only an ass hole does. I don't understand why the hell not money never grows on the trees? Why the hell we require coming to the shithole of our boss for earning some small buck and allow him to piss on ourselves?" a technocrat Jayesh Mishra made this shocking statement in front of his highly dedicated and ambitious colleagues.

According to sources, his colleagues who were present at the event shocked and amazed with Jayesh's statement. However, they confirmed that Jayesh was neither gone insane nor he consumed a bottle of liquor.

"He was fully under control, still passed such a bizarre statement. We were literally shocked when Jayesh made this statement. We thought in last 2 years he might have adjusted to his work but this was totally disgusting. He still thinks job is fucking thing, how ridiculous he is," said Neha Sharma, Jayesh's colleague.

According to experts, there are still few people in India which have not adjusted to the job life. They said that the process is going on and India will definitely see a new generation which loves working hard for 20 hours a day at their job places.

"Yes there are still a few people; you can say they are in thousands which are not yet fully converted into bulls and donkeys. That process is going on. In my view, case of Jayesh is not isolated and few others are still in private curse and abuse job life and their bosses," said Pankaj Mohopatra, an expert who tracks job market very closely.

Mohopatra said "People like Jayesh are exhausted, less ambitious, more stubborn and totally idiots who never recognized how much jobs offer them in terms of opportunities. It is always been better to remain an ass hole rather than doing nothing."

According to sources in Asaram Bapu's ashram, Bapu has made up his mind and will chant Hari Mantra till October 19, the date his Police custody has been extended upto.

"First time he is going to take some God's name," said Sadanand Bapu, head of personal relations in Asaram Bapu's Gujarat ashram.

He said "We sent him the mantra which he would try to remember and will continuously chant for next 4 days."

Sadanand Bapu said that the mantra consists of two words 'Hari Om' would help Asaram Bapu to release from the jail.

"That mantra will also create love in the minds of Police officers who will stop beating him with whatever they have available with them. They would generally ask him whether he had raped any girl or not. This is most powerful mantra invented by Narayan Sai," said Sadanand Bapu.

A recently joined 23 year old trainee who was also extra caring and funny towards her boss finally dumped him by calling 'Uncle' after she received her permanent letter, said the office sources. The sources confirmed that the boss was happiest person for last 3 months of her probation.

"I was a happiest person in the world when she showed her extra care, her love and affection towards me which neither my wife nor my mummy ever showed. She was a bit pushy towards my health and habits, watching films and going to restaurants for a perfect dinner. Whenever I was with her I saw jealousy in the eyes of others, including my staff. That period was so beautiful that I really started thinking about how I would manage 2 wives or would I require divorcing my earlier one. But now my dreams are shattered in pieces," confirmed boss.

Boss said with wet eyes "How can she ridicule me by calling uncle? Just till yesterday she used to address me directly by my name and today when I gave her permanent letter she told me 'Thank you uncle' (throat choked)."

According to sources, few office boys and back office staff which had a close watch on the developments immediately started attracting that loving and caring girl. The sources also confirmed that the perception of the staff towards boss also changed. Few over aged aunties these days started giving him extra care.

"The boy sits next to her has gotten a decent chance since he was a funny and also with deep pockets," said peon Ram Prasad who also tried his luck but couldn't succeed.

He said "I am a decent family man and don't get involved in all these kind of stupid things."

Actor Sanjay Dutt — who has is currently out on a 14-day furlough from Yerawada Central Jail — has received a 14-day extension, for a health vacation. Jail authorities confirmed that Dutt is eligible for this kind of 28 days leave in every three to six months.

"We don't want it to make a situation that people will scare to come to jail. It is a very friendly place and people can come and go anytime, enjoy the work atmosphere and get income benefits as well. After this move, Sanjay Dutt will be a classic example for the nation which has created unnecessary propaganda against the jail," said Jail Constable Sameer Kamble.

Kamble said "Dutt is not in imprisonment but he is a working fellow as like others. So he is eligible for the leave as other workers. We are also going to give him retirement benefits as and when he will complete his duty in next 2.5 years."

According to sources, Sanjay Dutt will get pension of Rs 1500 per month and PF of Rs1.25 Lakh which would help him to live a comfortable retirement life. It will also help him to secure his life if his kids kick on his ass and throw him out of his house, said sources.

The India Satire brings you a complete guide of Sanjay Leela Bhansali's upcoming movie 'Ram Leela'. Caution should be maintained as this guide may or may not affect your decision of watching movie.

¨       Ram Leela is nothing but love story of two weird persons with strange and bizarre. They have awful looking parents who in the end kill them, ending a three hours torture of audience. In between, you will be able to watch sofa, chair, table and doors.

¨       The movie is exact polished replica of Ishaqzaade which is copied from Romeo Juliet.

¨       According to sources, Sanjay Leela Bhansali watched the climax of Ram Leela for at least 35 times and was happy that the lovers were killed. The sources said that every time he watched the climax he became more and more happy. However, he felt regret that those two lovers were not killed at least thrice in the movie by showing their reincarnation.

¨       The film is made using a colour combination of red, black, blue, grey and golden. Bhansali never used so many colours in one movie. This is first time. Adequate care had been taken that audience will not be able to see more colours than mentioned above.

¨       Sets are imported from Planet XTUV 25003, just 2760 million miles away from our mother earth.

¨       Ram Leela represents Medieval India. However, Bhansali took a cinematic liberty and allow all the characters to talk in English as well.

¨       Actress Deepika Padukone is the only person in the movie who is allowed to wear small clothes. She will be showing her skinny assets throughout the movie by contrasting others.

¨       According to sources, Bhansali covered faces of male mob which looks better than movie hero Ranveer Singh. The sources confirmed that sofa, chair, table and different sets gave more expressions than Ranveer.

¨       Audience can recognize villainous people in the movie through their black attire, black ornaments and black bindis. The sources said that Bhansali took this idea from TV serials after extensive research.

¨       Based on the movie's story, Chetan Bhagat will write a novel, first time.

¨       People yet to believe that different legal tussles before the movie release will help it to become successful.

¨       Indian audience is yet to decide whether to watch this movie or not. 90% of them said that they would watch to see sets, colours and people with weird expressions otherwise original Romeo Juliet is fine.

¨       The movie will again confirm that Sanjay Leela Bhansali is sadist person on the earth. Taking inspiration from Bhansali, Film Fare plans to introduce Best Movie Award in sadist category from next year.

Much touted by left parties, unofficial Third Front finally announced its route to 2014 elections.

"We are going to field at least 5 Prime Ministers in 2014 elections and if situation remains favourable India will get 5-10 Prime Ministers after elections," said CPM leader Sitaram Yechuri.

Left parties confirmed that they don't want to take any chances in terms of failure of third front due to internal rivalry among party heads.

"We told Jayalalithaa and M Karunanidhi that you both can become partial Prime Ministers of South, Mayawati and Mulayam Singh Yadav will become partial Prime Ministers of North, Naveen Patnaik along with Nitish Kumar will become partial PM of Eastern region while we are looking out for reasonable regional candidate in western region. So they all can collect taxes and money from people of their respective regions," said Yechury "And I will become Prime Minister of India."

According to draft memorandum of understanding that each and every regional party will have to sign said that if PM aspirants go more than 10 then the third front will announce PM for every state.

Yechury said "We will also provide mobility option to every Prime Ministers. So if Mulayam Singh Yadav or Mayawati wants lead Western states like Maharashtra they can use our Equal Right to Lead option and change the region/state every year."