Murder 3 is more idiotic than erotic - Mahesh Bhatt said with his hard biting teeth

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday 31 January 2013 | Posted in , ,

Today India Satire asked me to talk about new release Murder 3, which I believe would create a history in the Bollywood on maintaining a striking consistency in giving idiotic movies to Indian audience.
Yes, I confirmed to my audience that they will get same but this time more idiotic than erotic drama to watch. I have made same movie under new name with new more B Grade caste.
There is logic in my every action, which not every common head understands. Behind selecting B and C grade actors is not just a low cost reason but I can find an animal, a hungry and lusty animal who is ever ready for sex but never gets in my movie. So what do these actors get? They get same thing what my fans get. I take my actors and audience to the edge where sex is a step away but nothing happens.
I love my audience, which know that my movies never show more sex scenes than what I show in promos as like comedy scenes in Sazid Khan and Rohit Shetty's movies, still they come to watch.
I attribute success of Puja Bhatt, Mohit Suri and Vikram Bhatt movies to the lack of creativity and height of stupidity on the part of audience. I am glad that my audience is ok with few leg showing and few kiss showing scenes.
Please note that I have never brought politics in India Pakistan relationship. However, for sometime Pakistani actors are available at high prices and I avoided selecting them for what I would like to apologies to my Indian audience. Next time I will select at least one of those.
Thank you for listening me. As I believe this time also I gave nothing to readers but just showing hard biting teeth as usual.

Kamal Haasan plans all India torrent release of Vishwaroopam

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday 30 January 2013 | Posted in , ,

According to India Satire sources in Tamil Nadu, Kamal Haasan plans all India torrent release for Vishwaroopam bypassing all the state, country laws and Censor Board. The director-actor will make a formal announcement if Supreme Court verdict comes against him.

"Kamal Appa is highly annoyed and totally devastated. He is planning to launch Vishwaroopam on torrent so all Indians can download it and watch at their homes," said a source close to Kamal Haasan.

He said "Appa is now just waiting for Supreme Court's decision. If it goes against movie, he will give all the rights to famous torrent sites Isohunt and Kickasstorrent companies restricted to Indians first and after 2 weeks would allow to world to watch the epic," said the source.

Experts said that Kamal Haasan's decision to release his movie through torrent will take the film industry to new levels. Few months back, Kamal Haasan announced DTH release of the movie two days before hitting theatres. However, after hunger strike from many distributors he had to change his idea. Now he will make a torrent release.

"This is a good idea. It would save time and money too. Downloading an mkv file with size of 1GB is easier and better option rather than yawning in theatre. Kamal Haasan would also be satisfied that his movie will be watched by few people in India," said Taran Adars, ace Bollywood Critic who gave 5 stars to Vishwaroop (Hindi Version of the film) before it released.

Pakistan welcomes Kamal Haasan, just for a change

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , , ,

Just before cooling down the controversy over, Pakistan's demand for special attention on the security of Shahrukh Khan, Interior Minister Rehman Malik said that people of Pakistan would be happy if Kamal Haasan was thinking of leaving India and joining their nation. Pakistan's invitation came after Kamal Haasan's interview stating that he would leave the country if Vishwaroopam is not released.

"All Pakistani people are fans of Kamal Haasan. They saw his movies many times. I saw many people who saw Abhay and Dashavatar at least 1000 times. We are truly happy if Kamal Haasan joins Pakistan," said Rehman Malik.

Kamal Haasan's popularity can be guessed from the fact that his hindi movie Abhay is in 5 Pakistani theaters for more than 11 years since its launch.

"All Pakistanis love weird movies. They understand them very well. Even today Abhay and Dashavatar gets 'House Full' crowd," said Arif Khan, Gulistan theatre owner.

Arif Khan said "Our beloved Mr. Maulana Hafiz Saeed is great fan of Kamal Haasan's movie Mumbai Express. He requested us to keep that movie in theatres for at least 3 years so every day he can watch it and inspire by the acting of Mr. Haasan."

Many Pakistani cricketers are also inspired by Kamal Haasan's ageless lifestyle.

"I have even followed his footsteps on not changing age and remain ageless," said Pakistan Cricketer Shahid Afridi.

However, Pakistan's demand was not taken well by India. It immediately issued circular saying Pakistan should keep its security tight and don't make weird demands such as sending Shahrukh and Kamal to its country.

Disheartened by India's reaction, Rehman Malik said "This is just for a change that we thought to demand India to let Kamal come to our country. Just we also thought that we will show that we are more secular than Indians. It doesn't matter if India never accepts our demand. We will remain happy by watching Kamal Haasan's movies on home video."

Almost 98% bosses never listen to their colleagues - Survey

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday 29 January 2013 | Posted in , , ,

A survey conducted by one of the leading surveyors, Survey Monkey suggested that almost 98% bosses never ever listen to entire sentence of their subordinates and interfere in between to prove that they are more intelligent.

"As per our survey that we conducted last month, almost 98% of Indian bosses have never ever listen full sentence made by their junior colleague and continuously interfere in between," said Rajiv Dayal, Survey Manager at Survey Monkey.

Survey Monkey talked to 17562 employees from different organisation and with different backgrounds.

He said "We asked people from different sectors. They said that their bosses just suck. Whenever they try to finish their sentence, boss immediately imagines something go to conclusion in his brain and gives some kind of stupid response."

Few Indian doctors said that brains of bosses are designed in such a way that they instantly generate conclusion even before employee talks.

"We met many people be employees or bosses. We also researched 1000s of brains which only show that automatised process works in a regular boss brain. This process is out of imaginary conclusive scenario and oral communication syndrome (ICS&OCS). This virus generates automatised response before even employee starts talking and gives some answer," said Dr. Deepak Ahuja of Fortis Healthcare, Delhi.

He said "Brains with ICS&OCS are risky from social point of view as they irritate employees at a large. This syndrome is growing fast in India due to globalisation."

Ahuja told India Satire correspondent that before globalisation bosses didn't use to allow employees even saying a word.

One of the victims of this trend, Robert Pascal from Mumbai said "My boss is so irritating that he never allow me to complete whatever I want to say. That may be suggestion or clarification. Just 10% before completing the sentence he starts talking and shuts my mouth. I am now a high BP patient."

Rajiv Dayal explained the reason behind such an approach of bosses. He said "Generally, bosses tend to think themselves as only intelligent creatures in the world and they have only creativity. Look at my boss, Rajesh Mishra this bloody stupid man has zero understanding of any topic but want to talk on anything. How this idiot able to find out what I am supposed to talk is a mystery to me."

According to survey results, 26% bosses stop employees just before completion of 50% sentence and in total 98% stops them before completion of 80% of the sentence. According to experts, this is a gap on account of lack of intelligence and alertness. The percentage is reverse in developed countries like USA.


RBI Governor Subbarao to reduce interest rates by 50bps and would raise money from bank for day to day consumption

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday 28 January 2013 | Posted in , , ,

If Reserve Bank sources are to be believed, RBI Governor D Subbarao will cut repo rate by 50 basis points straight-a-way, a major surprise to markets and his wife Urmila Subbarao. According to sources, the RBI Governor is facing serious inflationary crisis at home and received an ultimatum from Urmila Subbarao to reduce the interest rate and raise funds or will face fued.

"Yesterday itself I saw fight between Sir (D Subbarao) and Madam (Urmila) over prices of onions and potatoes. Urmila Amma told Subba Appa that she was getting difficult to buy onions at his current salary level and require him to bring some loans so that day-to-day expenses would not cut short. However, Appa told her that current rate of interest is so high and unattractive to raise money. Furious Amma asked him to immediately cut interest rates not just by 25bps as per market expectations but 50bps," said driver of Subbarao who was present while both were discussing the situation of India.

Driver, Jitendra Yadav said "Madam was really concern about the health of the economy. She also asked Appa to keep his job in tact so that recessionary impacts coming from private sector jobs would not really worsen routine life."

Driver also told that Subbarao asked his wife not to interfere in his decision making and he was committed towards reduction of inflation, which was not coming down over last 3 years. However, after a long debate he finally agreed to cut the interest rate by 50 bps.

Indian politicians unanimously protested against AP court's charge on their right for false committments

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , ,

In a major embarrassment to the Andhra Pradesh Court, all the political party leaders in India protested against its decision to register a case against two UPA ministers for giving false assurances to the people of Telangana on the issue of its statehood.

According to reports, all the party leaders took an emergency meeting and issued a legal notice against the Rangareddy District Court which issued a notice against former Home Minister P Chidambaram and incumbent Sushilkumar Shinde for delaying a decision on Telanagana.

"That is our right. We can make false commitments any time and cheat as well. The court should not intervene in our legal process," said Congress Spokesperson and part time Minister, Manish Tewari.

He said "No politician can take this if court crosses its boundary. Did you hear ever the case against cheating by politician? That is our right and we are free to express our assurance whether or not implemented is a future course."

Manish Tewari also said that he was very happy that main opposition party BJP also suppprted UPA Government in this matter.

"It is not important whether we are supporting UPA or not. The important thing is Court can't put its eye in our routine work. Cheating people, making false commitments and then forgetting them are our significant characteristics. We can't work without them. Therefore, we issued a legal notice against AP Court and asked it to take back the case against Sushil Kumar Shinde and P Chidambaram. Here we are supporting UPA government," said BJP leader Sushma Swaraj.

Narendra Modi to meet Mamata Banerjee, to discuss about managing double tasks

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , ,

In a closed door meet with West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee, Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi tried to understand the basics of managing two tasks at a time.

"Mamata Banerjee is the only Chief Minister to date in India who managed to handle pressure of Delhi and Kolkatta both. She has capabilities to watch Kolkatta from one eye and Delhi from another at a time. Narendra Modi is impressed with her skill sets and is eager to learn the secrets of her hyper activism and using the organs in different way," said a sweeper of new BJP President Rajnath Singh who closely listened to the conversation between Singh and Modi.

He said "Modi was discussing with Rajnathji on the strategies of launching himself for 2014 elections while on the other hand continue to work in Gujarat."

The sweeper said that both the leaders agreed upon the need of using Mamata Banerjee's talent to get the things done.

"Yes I am planning to work on elections. But before that Mamata Banerjee, who successfully managed multi tasking would be very helpful for me," said Narendra Modi.

Meanwhile, Mamata Banerjee said she was ok with teaching Modi her skills of double tasking. However, he has to take some loan of West Bengal on his shoulders and send all the investment to the state.

India to declare secret of its cold blood on the auspicious occasion of Republic Day

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday 25 January 2013 | Posted in , , ,

In a grand ceremony of Republic day today, Indian Government is planning to reveal the secret of its cold blood and genes of unresponsiveness.

"Yea, there are inquiries from many countries which really want to understand India's great power of remaining cold on any attack. We are planning to reveal how we learnt not to react and how our bodies are flowing with cold blood," said Salman Khurshid to India Satire correspondent in an interview.

Recently, India kept its blood chill after one Indian was died in Pakistan just ahead of 4 days his release because Policemen beaten him with animal approach. India's strength of remaining cold was demonstrated not just this decade but before independence when India remained cool with British and at the time of separation with Pakistan. These genes of unresponsiveness were fairly used by Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru against Pakistan and China who broke down Indian constituencies. This technique also used by Indira Gandhi who despite the defeat of Pakistan allowed remaining Kashmir in their territory. The same technique adopted by Atal Bihari Vajpayee with his Samjhauta rally. Now, the recent UPA government is also using the same cold blood genes to tackle issues like many terror attacks such as train blasts, 26/11 and killing of our soldiers and countrymen. The same example of cold blood India had shown with Chamel Singh, an Indian national, who was about to complete his five-year imprisonment on charges of espionage, has died in a Pakistani jail, amid reports that he was "mercilessly beaten" by prison staff two days before his death.

"We usually talk each other that at least India would take revenge this time. Oh no still it managed to keep its blood cold. Wow, such wonderful patience. We are really surprised to know how India manages to do such wonderful things," said Israel, Prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.

Finally, after consistent persistence by all the countries in the World, India decided to reveal the secret of its blood. India will reveal the secret today in Delhi in a grand ceremony of Republic day where it allow world to collect its blood samples and further research them.

Salman Khurshid said "World is amazed that India is the most peaceful country with unresponsive nature. These kind of cold blooded breeds are found on deadly dead planets. However, to the matter of fact we kept it secret not to reveal it. We thought that our formula should not go in the hands of terror countries such as USA, Israel, China etc. which these countries may use to remain unresponsive to any peaceful terror attack. However, due to insistence of many other countries we finally decided to show the formula how we keep our blood cold despite the enemy might kill my neighbour's mother, wife, his children and all other people. Our blood is also design to meet the extreme situation criteria such as even the entire country is killed by Pakistani terrorists, their military or even their Police force we will keep our blood cold," said the External Affairs Minister.

Even many scientists are amazed with India's cold blood like characteristics.

"I don't understand how they can manage to remain cool despite serious attacks on country's sovereignty," said an Indian scientist requesting anonymity.

He said "These chilled politicians also manage to become rude, strict and hot blooded when their own countrymen gets angry. This attitude is really god gifted needed to be properly researched."

Parineeti Chopra sues Maaza producers and Imran Khan for cheating, sparks controversy

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday 24 January 2013 | Posted in , ,

Leading Bollywood actress Parineeti Chopra issued a legal notice to Maaza producers, Coca Cola International and Imran Khan, her co-actor in one advertisement for cheating her.

Parineeti Chopra in a press conference said "I have sent a legal notice to Maaza proucers Coca-Cola and my co-actor Imran Khan for cheating me. They gave me Totapuri mango drink instead of Alphonso, which was shown in the advertisement."

Parineeti Chopra was casted in an advertisement of Maaza which shows that one guy (Imraan Khan) brings mango drink (Maaza) despite being the mango season was 6 months away.

"Coca-Cola and Advertisement agency cheated me. They gave Imran Khan a bottle of mango drink which contains Totapuri Mango juice. I still managed it to drink it, despite my love for Alphonso mango because of my professionalism. However, when I saw that the advertisement was showing Maaza was made from Alphonso mangoes, I immediately issued the legal notices. How can they cheat me? I want to understand by what Maaza is made of Alphonso or Totapuri?" Parineeti Chopra told to the reporters. Parineeti said that Imran Khan was aware of the content of juice but still pretended as he is bringing imported quality Alphonso mango juice.

Coca-Cola denied any comment on the legal notice. However, the soft drink maker confirmed that they received such a notice.

Imran Khan said "I don't know I am as innocent as any other dude. But I want to say it's ridiculous. First I searched mango juice with such hard work, which you finished immediately and now you are pretending to be cheated. That is ridiculous. First you are getting mango juice in the offseason and that to at Rs 10."

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Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

India awaits Pakistan's nod over disclosing all the evidences against RSS and BJP

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday 22 January 2013 | Posted in , , , ,

Indian Government said it is awaiting Pakistan's permission over disclosing all the evidences that prove RSS and BJP are terror organisations.

"We are waiting for their permission long back. However, government processes take time. Usually, these kinds of cases take years in Pakistan. But we should believe in law and justice and Pakistan will definitely give the judgment against both RSS and BJP," said a Government official, after Salman Khurshid confirmed the statement of Sushil Kumar Shinde.

The official said "Pakistan's judicial system is great. It believes in non violence as like its military and social organisations like LeT and JuD are totally in support with us to destroy the terrorism in India. They have also created forces that would counter attack on the extremists such as RSS and BJP till the time Pakistan justice will come."

Salman Khurshid who yesterday confirmed that Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement on Hindu Terrorism was based on fact said that he is unable to disclose the evidence as the case with Pakistan judicial system.

"Judges of Pakistan in consultation with military would decide what kind punishment to be given to RSS and BJP," said Salman Khurshid.

US announced $5mn bounty on Nitin Gadkari and Mohan Bhagwat

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , ,

Reacting to India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde's 'comments' that BJP and RSS are terror organisations and planted hindu terrorists all over India, US announced BJP President Nitin Gadkari and RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat as biggest terrorists and announced a bounty of $5mn each whoever discloses their locations. This development was response to 'fair show' by India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde, according to terrorism expert Hafiz Saeed.

"We are glad to announce that now our focus is a bit diversified in terms of terrorist recognition. Thanks to Mr. Shinde. We now understand that besides Pakistan, India is also well fed by terror organisations. According to a confidential CIA report, RSS and BJP are actually managed by two terrorists Mohan Bhagwat and Nitin Gadkari, respectively. In the global interest of terror free world, we announce a reward of $ 5 mn whoever tells us exact locations of these notorious people," said US vice-President Joe Biden.

Mr Biden was speaking in a press conference "We thought of deciding the bounty first and then CIA will search the reasons why we should call them terrorists. We don't want to miss the timing and let the world go in the arms of terrorists. We want to stop future attacks before they start them against us."

Pakistan terrorism expert, Hafiz Saeed welcome US move.

He said "US' step is welcome change. Instead of running behind me day and night, now they are on correct path. I appeal Pakistan government to give 'Mullah Digvijay Singh Award' to both Sushil Kumar Shinde and Salman Khurshid for their peacemaking efforts," said Hafiz Saeed.

He said "There is no need to worry against hindu terror, as we have already made counter forces to stop their attack. However, I feel considering me as a chicken that is needed to be roasted and fried, America can target meatier Nitin Gadkari."

 

Rahul Gandhi started working day and night

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday 21 January 2013 | Posted in , ,

Following the footsteps of his great grandfather, newly elected vice president of Congress Party Rahul Gandhi started working day and night for unknown reason, according to sources.
"Rahul Baba is in tremendous inspiration zone now. He is showing his bright approach towards his post and is now working for long hours. He also broke his great grandfather's (Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru) record of sleeping for 6-8 hours. Yesterday night he was working for 22 hours. Baba kept his eyes closed for 2 hours as a practice of chintan at chintan shivir. Otherwise he was about to spend those two hours for working only.
The source said that Rahul Gandhi was busy in working an unknown task.
"For what reason he was working 24 hours, we can't tell you. Or even we don't know exactly what he was doing. But I am sure he was doing some work," said the source.

Salman Khurshid beheaded himself just to start peace process with Pakistan again

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Saturday 19 January 2013 | Posted in , , , ,

To reach to an ultimate zone of peace process and de-escalate the tensions between two countries, India's foreign minister cut his own head and presented it to Pakistan's external minister Hina Rabbani Khar to take home and use it as football. This way India showed its eagerness to start peace process with Pakistan again.

"I think we need to start with very firm steps to stop cross border violence. From my side, I initiate peace process with Pakistan by offering it my head," said Salman Khurshid looking at Hina Rabbani Khar.

He said "I am giving my head to Hinaji and let her decide how she can use it in the peace making process. Cutting head is as simple removing nail."

Looking at India's efforts to achieve peace, Hina Rabbani Khar became emotional and with wet eyes she said "I was sure that someday India would leave its notorious and terror approach to the world and would make right steps to achieve peace. I announce India Pakistan friendly Football match and Salman Bhaijaan's head will be used as a ball. I hope both the teams would play with great vigour and mark as a symbol of great human beings."

Salman Khurshid gave a friendly smile to Hina Rabbani Khar, cut his head with a sharp knife and offered it to Hina. He tried to keep it more and more circular so that it looked like football shape. Immediately, almighty cried from skies started raining and sent his own white and circular aura behind his head. 

Minimum 5 Bollywood producers read news titled Mahesh Babu isn't eager to work in Hindi Cinemas - Source

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday 16 January 2013 | Posted in , ,

A source, closely link to topmost producers of Bollywood cinemas said that at least 5 hindi film producers and directors read the news that Telugu superstar doesn't want to work in Bollywood movies. Source said that all of them were keen to launch Mahesh Babu in their movies.

"As many as 5 producers have interacted, confirmed that they saw some kind of news which states Mahesh Babu is not keen to work in Bollywood cinema. All of them decided to keep their plans on hold working with Mahesh Babu and may approach him after 20-30 odd years when he would be free and would want to take a chance in Hindi cinema," said a source who is close to big producers and directors such as Chopra, Hirani and Johar.

Recently, Mahesh Babu who successfully released a Telugu movie 'Seethamma Vakitlo Sirimalle Chettu' said reporters that he had no plans to act in Bollywood films.

Talking to reporters during an event, he said he would like to focus only on Telugu cinema. "I have already said that my contribution will be only for Telugu films," he said and added: "I don't have any plans to work in Bollywood."

"Mahesh Babu was not really aware that anybody would read the news that he said he would not want to work in Bollywood cinemas," said the source.

He told that most of the producers and directors who were thinking him to cast in their next movies as a mega star are now planning to skip the idea. These producers and directors include 3 Idiots fame Rajkumar Hirani, Aditya Chopra, Karan Johar, Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Abhinav Kashyap.

"Yea that's correct. I was thinking him to launch in my next movie as a grandson of Shahrukh Khan. I was in talks with Aadi (Aditya Chopra) if he postpones his launch of Mahesh Babu and let me launch him first. Even Shahrukh was ready to become grandfather of Mahesh Babu. However, now Mahesh Babu said that he is not interested in Bollywood I would have to skip the idea," said Karan Johar.

Aditya Chopra also confirmed that he had discussions with Karan Johar. He said "I was having argument with K-Jo as how he dare launching the great super star. I wanted to launch this bloody great super duper star in Bollywood. However, he took my permission after threatening to break the relationship with me. Now both of us are depressed as Mahesh Babu is not interested in working Hindi movies. But what can we do? Life should move."

Rajkumar Hirani, another successful director said "I was having talks with Vidhu how can we make bigger and more successful movie than 3 Idiots. He told me take Mahesh Babu in the next movie. I planned to postpone Amir Khan starrer 'Peekay' to 2015 and launch Mahesh Babu in this year. But sadly he doesn't want to work in Bollywood movies. But we are not disappointed. I think he must have huge pending work in Telugu movies. Therefore, whenever he complete the backlog after 20-30 odd years I would love to cast him along with Aamir's son."

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Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday 15 January 2013 | Posted in





Kamal Haasan will show his blockbuster Abhay along with Vishwaroopam to apologise for delayed DTH launch

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday 14 January 2013 | Posted in , ,

After a delay in the release of Vishwaroopam for paid Direct to Home (DTH) audience, apologetic film-maker and actor Kamal Haasan announced that he will show his erstwhile blockbuster 'Abhay' along with the new movie on February 2.

"I am apologetic to my DTH audience which paid huge amount to watch my new launch Vishwaroopam on TV before it gets released in theatres. However, because of notorious distributors I had to postpone the launch and now I am going to show the movie to theater audience first while paid DTH audience can watch it anytime later. Just to thank my "patient yet eager audience" I will also show my mega hit 'Abhay' same day for free of cost," said Kamal Haasan.

Kamal Haasan's production house Raajkamal Films International issued a press release in which the film-maker apologized to the audience who were waiting to watch the film on DTH.

Originally Kamal Haasan planned to premiere the movie on DTH platforms a day ahead of its theatre release. However, the plan was dropped after a section of theatre owners and distributors protested, and eventually held negotiations with Kamal Haasan to change the strategy. He further said those DTH subscribers who had paid for the original premiere can get the amount refunded or adjusted against their other bills, as they deemed fit and allowed for by the respective DTH services. However, skeptical over the box office response to the film, he finally decided to show his erstwhile blockbuster Abhay at a free of cost.

Despite getting shows of Abhay at a free of cost, many people refused the offer and said that it would be better if Kamal Haasan keeps the entire sum with himself and spare them from both Vishwaroopam and Abhay.

"We are not willing to watch Abhay at any free or paid cost. Neither we want to see that tasteless Dashavatar," said M Ramalingam, a paid customer of Kamal Haasan's new epic.

He said "It is better that Kamal Haasan keeps entire money that we paid for Vishwaroopam. We are ready even if he doesn't show us Vishwaroopam."

Huge turnout at Asaram Bapu's ashram to learn mantra and security techniques on rape

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , , ,

Asaram Bapu's ashram in Ahmedabad has seen a huge turnout of people including girls, women, their family and all people with the psychic of rapists to take his darshan and learn the security techniques and different mantras.
"Since the day Bapuji requested rape victim to chant Saraswati mantra, lakhs of people are coming to our ashram daily just to learn that mantra. Not just families with fear of rape but people with mentality of rapists also visited to learn mantra which is successful against Saraswatiji for avoiding them calling as bhaiyya," said Vishram Guru, a disciple of Asaram Bapu.
Recently, Asaram Bapu said that 3-pronge strategy of chanting Saraswati Mantra, calling rapists as Bhaiyaas and requesting them not to rape could have worked in favour of Delhi gang rape victim. However, this strategy raised tremors of fear among the rapist mentality people.
"We want to rape and lot of rape. But if all girls and women would call us bhaiyya how can we rape. This is inhumane for us. Therefore, we are here to meet Bapuji to know the mantra that contests Saraswati mantra," said one rapist psyche man who was staying in Ahmedabad.
Sachin Srivastava from Lucknow, a father of two teen girls said "Bapuji increased my hopes. Sheela and Sarita, both are now secure."
Sarita, a college going girl said "I am excited to apply Asaramji's techniques. I am eager to meet some rapist and will call him bhaiya while in my mind chant Saraswati Mantra. I will also beg for my life. How thrilling that experience will be!"
Sources said that privillege customers (sorry devotees) of Asaramji Bapu who put some 5-10 lakh rupees donation in the donation box received interesting technique to tackle the rape problem.
"Bapuji told me to put ear phones of my mobile with Himesh Reshmiya singing in it in the ears of rapist. As soon as he hears Himesh's voice he will immediately run away. He told us songs like 'Ashiq Banaya aapne' are good rapist bhagao mantra," said Sukanya, a privillege devotee of Asaramji Bapu.

India started living with rape incidences as routine exercise - Survey

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday 13 January 2013 | Posted in , ,

Survey
According to a survey conducted by private surveyor, Indians learnt to live with gang rape incidences and insecure life of women. Many of Indians are started thinking over suggestions of Mohan Bhagwat, Asaram Bapu and other political leaders to help secure their women.
"Muted response on last 3 gang rapes in Punjab, Bihar and West Bengal suggests that nation is slowly learning to live with the rapes as a routine. Lack of response from countrymen also pushed media to ignore such events and vice versa," said Rajiv Dubey, survey head at Survey Monkey.
A survey conducted by Survey Monkey said that for last 2300 rapes after brutal gang rape in Delhi on 16 December 2012 saw a gradual decline in the interest of countrymen and therefore very little coverage from media. The survey suggests that a little coverage from media also reduced the interest of countrymen.
Survey Monkey's rape coverage and people interest (RCPI) index which rose to as much as 500 from 50 in the first week after Delhi gang rape dropped to 5 on January 14, 2013.
Rajat Dubey said "Actually, Indians are fast improving their power to shift their interest from one thing to another. Delhi gang rape received a great kind of coverage and huge protests for 15 odd days. While now interest is on discussion over Indo-Pak relationship, rapes are now on second or third preference. Most Indians are now considering rapes as the routine in India."
Talking about woman security and demand drastic change in the rape law, Rajiv Dubey said "As political expert Sushil Kumar Shinde identified the fast forgetting capabilities of Indians, the rule applies here as well. All the media channels have already debated on the issue, all the leaders have already made their statements and all possible ways for the security and punishments have talked earlier, the fizz is now over. There is now nothing to discuss on it. Some media sources claimed that media now requires more and more brutality in the next gang rapes so that it can discuss in a greater detail. The source also told us that recent gang rapes lacked in brutality to the level of Delhi gang rape case. Therefore, these rapes don't qualify to cover. Besides media, many Indians are exploring the ways shown by Mohan Bhagwat, Asaram Bapu and more such leaders for women security."

India changed draft rules of Aman Ki Asha

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday 11 January 2013 | Posted in ,

After mutilation of 2 soldiers at Line of Control, reacting to the popular consensus Indian Government decided to crack down the initial idea of Aman Ki Asha and announced new regulations on Pakistan showing its protest. External affairs minister of India, Salman Khurshid sent this six point agenda which includes black protest letter to Pakistan's exterior minister Hina Rabbani Khar.
Following are the major points
Aman Ki Asha: Free trade between the two nations
New Agenda: Now only Pakistan can trade with India and not other way around
Aman Ki Asha: Pakistan's actors, actresses and sportsmen can work in India any time they want while not other way around
New Agenda: Now India has to keep them with itself till the next talk of Aman Ki Asha starts, Pakistan asked India not to bring politics in sports and entertainment
Aman Ki Asha: Afzal Guru was first decided to hand over to Pakistan
New Agenda: India decided to keep Afzal Guru with itself to protest against Pakistan. Decision will be reversed if next phase of Aman Ki Asha with Pakistan begins
Aman Ki Asha: Jawans were asked to stand and only stand at the border
New Agenda: Now Government asks Jawans to chant Saraswati mantra, call Pakistani soldiers 'bhaiyaa' and beg for life
Aman Ki Asha: India would fund 50% of total defence expenditure of Pakistan
New Agenda: India will fund only 20% of total defence expenditure of Pakistan
Aman Ki Asha: Indian stars like Mahesh Bhatt, Shahrukh Khan and Dilip Kumar will get 3 visits to Pakistan every year
New Agenda: India will send Mahesh Bhatt, Shahrukh Khan and Dilip Kumar every next day to kiss and hug their favorite nation. Also considering, Saif Ali Khan as an attachment.

Mahatma Gandhi talks on Asaram Bapu

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

Special Guest Column

I believe in peace and I was having a long peaceful rest after 1948 when India Satire called me asking my opinion on Asaram Bapu and rest other leaders which are proposing few peaceful ideas tackling the rapes in India.

When I left for a long peaceful journey in 1948, I thought India would be in the hands of few good people who would emulate my love of Brahmacharya. However, as days progressed I came to know that Brahmacharya left India long back same day I left. I thought things would be normal and peace would come back. But it didn't happen again. Look at the rape scenarios in India, so many people are indulging in nasty attractions that are so inadequately describes my idea of ideal Bharat.

I have to stick to my topic over talking on Asaram Bapu and similar leaders like him who offer peaceful solutions to control the rape situations in India. I came to know that he suggested the girl who recently left this insane world to cry and beg in front of rapists while chanting Saraswati mantra in her mind and calling them bhaiyya. Wow that's cool suggestion I have ever heard. I really love this suggestion. It can be a prequel to my suggestion to the world just put your one cheek before the person who hit hard on the other one. Love you Asaramji for using my name Bapu in an orderly manner. However, just it would be better if you remove that Bapu name from backwards of your name and put Pandu before you would give great justice to your advice.

Analysing his idea of peaceful solution gives a pleasant surprise to me. I thought calling British a bhaiya would work. However, it didn't and therefore I had to tell them Chale jaao. Now Asaramji's suggestion therefore gives result that rapists must be milder than Britishers. Calling them bhaiyaa would be a weird idea. I don't believe any girl want her brother to be rapist. At least I don't really perceive this idea. Third one is Saraswatiji is busy these days in helping students to crack CAT, XAT, GRE, GMAT and many other kind of useless exams. I recently read a newspaper article which said that sadly a guy with 99.7 percentalie shouldn't be sure of cracking the CAT. Sometime back only Saraswatiji told me that she is going to complain God for overwork because of stupid Indian institutions and may go on strike asking for an assistant and better pay package. Details I will reveal shortly. So the point is she is also busy in her work to assist students for their few stupid exams. So overall I believe that Asaram Bapu's suggestion may be peaceful idea but it is not really wise. It is some stupid fattu person's suggestion. I know Asaramji has already made it clear that he doesn't need to listen to all the barking dogs so that I also don't want any fattu to use my name. By the way my point is buraa mat suno, bura mat bolo aur bura mat kaho. Add to this buraa mat karo but if somebody is doing evil don't beg at him.

Few other peaceful solutions suggested by greats such as don't move out of home in the night, avoid wearing flashy and small clothes and stay in your boundaries haven't been considered due to lack of time given by India Satire. 

Asaram Bapu found asking his disciple when Poonam Pandey's movie Nasha is releasing

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday 8 January 2013 | Posted in ,

Controversial Baba and spiritual guru, Asaram Bapu raised another controversy after asking his disciple the date on which Poonam Pandey's debut movie 'Nasha' is releasing.

"He asked me when Behen Ponnamji's film Nasha is releasing. He personally wants to watch the movie to give her aashirwad," said Asaram Bapu's disciple Chirantan Swami.

Swami said "I was surprised when Bapuji asked me how is Behen Poonamji's movie Nasha's progress is going. He also asked me when the movie is going to be in the theatres and instructed me to book front row seats so that he can closely watch her and give all the blessings."

Yesterday only, Asaram Bapu triggered a controversy and outrage as he suggested that the Delhi gang-rape victim was equally responsible for the brutal crime and said the girl should have called her assailants "brothers" and begged them to stop. Asaram was slammed by Congress, BJP and women's rights activists for the insensitive remarks. Now after the news that he inquired the movie releasing dates of Nasha and calling Poonam as behenji also fueled the same rage among the activists.

National Commission for Women chief Mamata Sharma posed a question by asking him how he dare to call Poonam as Behenji.

"This is an insult to Poonam. He can't use such an abusive term 'behenji' on her. Poonam is making all the efforts to take Indian women in the level playing field with men, he can't dare talking such insulting word. He has to apologize," said Mamata Sharma.

While reaction from Poonam Pandey is yet to receive, email sent by India Satire correspondent to Asaram Bapu went unanswered.

Breaking: Poonam Pandey quit her first movie Nasha due to lack of exposure

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday 7 January 2013 | Posted in ,

If bollywood sources are to be believed, leading model turn actress, Poonam Pandey quit her first movie 'Nasha'. According to sources, controversial actress Poonam Pandey left the movie as the film had nothing hot to offer to her audience.

"Poonam was told that she would have huge exposure in this movie. However, as film progressed she was ignored. Besides 1-2 scenes she hardly got the chance to expose her beauty that disturbed her," said the source who is also close friend of Poonam Pandey.

The mahurat ceremony of Nasha was a big bang, after Poonam gave one hot bedroom scene. However, besides that there was no adult or erotic scene in the movie told sources to India Satire correspondent. Asking to keep their identity unanimous they said that entire thing disturbed Poonam a lot, as was promised her fans that she would reveal many parts of her body.

India Satire Correspondent talked to Poonam who also confirmed the development. She was disturbed and sad as she had no other movies in the pipe line.

"When I went to Amit (Amit Saxena, director of the film) asking about why there is no hot scene for me so that I can expose. He said then how would kids watch this movie. This movie is for kids and I would be performing as super girl wearing super girl's costume after that bedroom scene. He told me that I would need to wear a mask and then fly in the skies to save troubled people. He said I would be required to wear that mask till the movie ends," said Poonam Pandey.

She said "That was disgusting. I immediately quit the movie."

India Satire Correspondent contacted Director Amit Saxena. However, he denied news saying it was just a rumour and he has given many points where she can expose herself.

Breaking: Indian doctors warn manifold rise in mental cases in 2013

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

Survey

The Indian Psychiatric Society (IPS) warned Indian government that there is a chance that an exponential rise in mental cases undetected in 2013.

President of IPS, Dr. Roy Abraham said "Considering the cases of politicians, spiritual leaders and popular people of the society for making absurd statements in last one month and a sharp rise in absurdity and stupidity over last one week, we may see an exponential rise in undetected and undiagnosed cases of mental weaknesses and psychic characteristics will rise manifold making a serious risks for the lives of their family and relatives."

In its current issue of Indian Journal of Psychiatry (IJP), Dr Kallivayalil presented a detailed study on rising risks of patient's relatives and family people on account of absurd and undetected stupidity.

He said "IJP's research makes study on the human behavior, particularly social intellectuals and think-tanks which include politicians, prominent personalities and spiritual leaders. In last one month, we saw a 500% rise in the instances of Undetected Absurdity and Stupidity with Mouthful of Trash (UASMT). Generally, UASMT virus was found in marginal number of politicians such as leaders like Digvijay Singh, Beni Prasad Verma, Kapil Sibal and few other people from different social circles. However, these days everyone is detected as UASMT abused, even making us difficult to track many published records. We have therefore presented a detailed study not just to warn Indian government but also the family members of these prominent personalities."

Government sources said that Dr. Manmohan Singh received the detailed report from IPS and he replied to saying Theek Hai.

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