After it became clear that Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi will be the PM candidate for BJP, Congress Party Vice President Rahul Gandhi decided to work using various techniques of Applied Research, quantitative formula and empirical science to tackle him.

"I think all the challengers for PM's post, including Manmohan Singh are strong and powerful and therefore I will have to work with patience but still with perseverance. My strategy is clear, by using more and more scientific methodologies I want to achieve more and more granularity in my role towards the Indian voters so that they would understand my clear cut plan of action. I have recently conducted whole new research on Indian political science and found out various empirical evidences about the run to the Prime Minister's post.

Today, reason behind the column for the India Satire is to give my readers an idea of how I will work on the action plan. Many times in Indian social media, I found that people calling me Amul Baby and Buddhu Baba. But I wanted to ask you same question, are you Amul Baby, are you Buddhu Baba? I know even Albert Einstein was called as Buddhuchand, so calling me Buddhu Baba is an honour to me. I will also like to tell you that all the scientist minds look initially look strange species and stupidest people but when they innovate something they become the smartest of all. Actually, I didn't want to talk all about these things but I had to open my mouth for all my 90% fans in India.

Ok, now as the BJP has made it clear that Narendra Modi will be heading its election campaign for 2014 I have to clearly open my action plan in front of my fans to make them secure and more confident against their rivals.

See, I have worked on many complexities and therefore results of my entire research are quite robust. So first of all, I have gone through historical evidences in Indian politics to draw probabilities for the eligible PM candidates. I found out many people who can claim for PM's post, including myself. Then to achieve more and more granularity I worked on scientific methods like quantitative models, applied research methodologies and chemical mental balances of the candidates which took me to 4 major candidates. Then I put down my mathematical equations on one paper, used a long brain storming session with my brain again and again. Tried to find the issues that can haunt me and haunt these candidates during the elections and voter mentality and finally when I reached to the conclusion I found only one candidate against me, and that was Modi.

That made my task easier. Using few quant models, I understood how Modi functions. He will blast on me by asking how I will resolve issues such as corruption and scams but then my action plan is ready. I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Then he will ask me how I will end the issues like inflation and slow industrial growth, I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Yes, yes, tell me how will you resolve? Then he will I will solve the complex problems with foreign affairs, then I will ask him tell me how will you solve them? So in my plan of action, I will always remain offensive and smart enough to resolve his unnecessary but sensitive questions. But is he ready to give answers to firmly derived questions through my models? Is there any answer with him about religious issues? Is he ready to answer me, why there is no death of farmers in Gujarat despite severe draught? Is he ready to answer simple question, why there is no electricity scarcity in Gujarat? He has done nothing for Gujarat to get help and assistance from the Central Government, according to my models which I want to bring to the notice of my fan following.

Finally, I have put all the above pros and cons regarding various issues in the elections and put them into my laptop. When I hit the button 'Output' I got the answer which I want to tell my Indian voters. I am 99:01 heading in the elections. The model suggests that Modi will get 1% vote in 2014 elections and that too from BJP leaders.

Keeping in mind the fashion of jail, Raj Kundra bought new clothes for his wife and popular cine actress Shilpa Shetty.

"Yea I have bought new clean and glamorous clothes for Shilpa. She will definitely like," said excited Raj Kundra showing 3 sets of clean shining white suits with black strips along with small beautiful cap with same design.

He said "I am really excited about our new Honeymoon in jail. I asked Delhi Police Commissioner Neeraj Kumar to keep us in a separate jail with some great view, clean environment and beautiful toilet. Neeraj Kumar also assured me of having great vacation in jail." According to sources in Jail, Neeraj Kumar gratifyingly kisses and hugs to every guy who gets captured in IPL Spot Fixing for removing big menace of rapes in Delhi over him.

Kundra who is famous for gifting new houses to his wives (divorced with Kavita Kundra) planned a vacation in Indian Jail House. According to the plan, he told in Delhi Police investigation that his wife Shilpa was also involved in IPL Spot Fixing.

"Shilpa is also excited going to jail and asked me to buy new clothes. Buying new clothes on every occasion is our hobby. Even on every funeral, we wear new white clothes," said Raj Kundra.

More than thousand Indians declared dead last month due to heavy suffocation out of desperation over the announcement of final names of PM candidates for Congress and BJP. Sources said that these people were waiting for Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi's names to be announced for Prime Minister's post. Total death toll over last 12 months reached to 8751 due to this suffocation, according to official data.

 "It's heavy emotional flight Indians are facing in their internal organs," said a Senior BJP leader. He said that all the Indians are eagerly waiting for the senior leaders of BJP to take final decision on Modi and mark him as PM candidate.

According to a media house, people have stopped working and are keeping close eye on what is happening the political arena.

"They don't have any work. Just focusing on TV and watching our stupid news channels to know each and every minute information. They only want to hear Modi is PM candidate, Rahul is PM candidate," said the spokes person of a news channel.

"However, when they come to know that party is still not able to decide on making him election panel chief, they lost hopes and lost their lives out of suffocation due to desperation," said the leader requesting anonymity.

The situation is not different with Congress Party.  According the party leaders, many Indians lost their lives, waiting for Rahul Gandhi to put some larger role in the party and take responsibilities of PM.

"Yea that's true. Many Indians, mostly girls, aunties and old age women lost their lives waiting for Rahul Baba to announce himself as ready for PM's post. Many of them lost their lives after Dr. Manmohan Singh confirmed that he was ready for the job in next elections," said a senior leader of Congress Party.

"Now how much time we have to wait?" asked Sajiv Tiwari, UP based citizen who is currently on life support system.

He said "I already stopped working, waiting for Rahul Baba to take the responsibility on his shoulder. Now I can't breathe freely out of desperation for his name."

Biography of Raj Kundra

Nobody knew him before Shilpa Shetty introduced to common Indians. But this chubby guy with a bit Govinda look a like face is a British Indian businessman who also has interests in cricket and mixed martial arts. That means he puts all the money wherever his interest is. For example, he bought Rajasthan Royals venture because he has interests in cricket. Then his interest expanded to predict the depths of the game, so he started betting and lost some peanuts in betting, according to Delhi Police.

Facts and Figures

Ö         Mummy gave him birth on 9 September 1975, but landed on earth on 22 November 2009 after Shilpa Shetty married with him.

Ö         Main business is moving here and there with Shilpa Shetty.

Ö         His Pappa was working as Bus Conductor in London; Raj Kundra's son's Pappa is Businessman cum Bet Conductor

Ö         According to sources, Kundra has more hundreds wealth than his wife's teeth

Ö         He likes to gift bungalows, mansions and flats to his wives (including first one Kavita) at posh most areas of the world. According to sources, many are 'betting' on his divorces.

Ö         Prestigious son-in-law, Robert Vadra also confirmed that he sets his quick time multi billionaire goals reading Kundra's life story. Vadra said that Raj Kundra made Kundra a turnover of Euro 20 million in the very first year, just from selling shawls. By the way, he had only Euro 2,000 on his credit card.

Ö         His money making performance inspired Dharmesh Darshan to put a dialogue for Suniel Shetty in Shilpa Shetty's movie 'Dhadkan'. 'Mere jeb me sirf 50 paise the jab mein ghar se nikla. Aur fir mein chalta gaya chalta gaya, aur ab mere jeb me 500 crore rupaye hai," said Suniel Shetty in the movie. (Note: Shilpa Shetty confirmed that she is not sister of Suniel Shetty, though looks a bit same.)

Gujarat Chief Minister and unofficial candidate of Prime Minister's post for BJP, Narendra Modi decided to run for 50 kms today, to digest the happiness of by-poll wins by his party in Gujarat.

"I can't stop feeling happy and wants to laugh a loud. We defeated and wound up traces of Congress from Gujarat," said Chief Minister Narendra Modi, laughing impishly.  He started pushups and yoga to stop his laughter, however, still uncontrollable for him and continuously laughing boisterously, noising crudely ho ho ho ho ho ho.  

He said "Oh no I am so happy, how can I express this much happiness. Oh what Advaniji would be thinking (oops… ha ha ha ha ha ha) oh no, I can't stop laughing. Wow, he he he, so funny. Now I have to do something."

Modi started rolling on the floor with laughing loud. "I want to kick my ass strongly. So many people died in one arrow. I can't imagine the faces of Sonia, Rahul, Manmohan and Advaniji. Oh that Shivraj Singh Chouhan, he must be eating his nails."

Looking at Modi rolling on the floors, few officials came to him and tried to control him. Narendra Modi's Personal Assistant (PA) asked him to stay quiet and control himself as he will have to digest many more that kind of good news in future.

However, uncontrollable Modi finally decided to do something to digest this happiness in a better way.

"I am going to run for 50 kms continuously in Gandhinagar, to assimilate my roguish happiness," said Narendra Modi.

Modi told his PA "PA, announce 'Sadbhavana Run Yatra' immediately. Let the world know how strong Modi is."

India's Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh and BJP Senior Leader Lal Krishna Advani finally decided to form their own party in a secret meeting. Both the senior leaders took this extreme step after leaders of their current respective parties annoyed them to the extent of saying that they would never be candidate for PM's post in the next elections.

"Both the leaders secretly met in LK Advani's house for dinner along with their trusted soul mates in the respective parties," said a source that has the direct knowledge of the development.

He said "Dr Singh came with a different get up to not to recognize him by anybody. Also few others 'petty party leaders' accompanied him. After just looking at LK Advani, Singh started crying loudly."

The source confirmed that both the leaders discussed the current situation of politics in India and leadership which is putting the question of candidature for PM on backburner for next elections.

"There should not be any question about that. I have to be announced as the Prime Minister by Madamji," said Manmohan Singh in the meeting. Dr Singh reiterated the fact that he was having experience of 9 consecutive years of staying a great puppet.

"How can she think that Rahul would take my place? I am a good puppet still today. I have all the three qualities (related to smart monkeyji) as mentioned by Mahatma Gandhiji," asked Dr Singh.

Same way, LK Advani confirmed that party has to decide on the PM candidature immediately and his name should be announced as a next PM.

"Boss, I am the most popular secular leader in BJP while these guys pushing Modi as most popular in India. What is more important, most popular leader in BJP or India?" asked LK Advani during the meeting.

He said "Today, even sundry small and fat leader is spitting over my aspiration. I am giving them a guarantee that I will give 10 years of consistent and stable government. But nobody is trying to believe me. Sucks! (Advani cleaned his wet eyes)."

The source said that LK Advani asked Manmohan Singh to stop crying and be powerful enough to form new party to answer these selfish and greedy politicians.

"We will have our new party and we will both become Prime Ministers so that no issue of selfishness would come between us," said LK Advani.

The source confirmed that in a few weeks both the leaders will announce about the formation of party. 

Nafisa Khan (20 February 1988 – 3 June 2013), known to us as Jiah Khan, was a British-Indian actress who appeared in Bollywood movies, started her career with Ram Gopal Varma (RGV). She changed her name to Jiah Khan before making her film debut in Nishabd in 2007. She was mostly known for her role in the 2008 film Ghajini. She made her third and last film appearance in Housefull in 2010. In 2012, she changed her name back to Nafisa Khan.

Facts of Life

¨       Famous for her flop movie (Nishabd) than 2 hits (Housefull and Ghajini)

¨       Amitabh revived his young age just working with her and RGV finished his golden age after producing Nishabd

¨       Last RGV movie which was flopped but watched by at least few people for beautiful Jiah

¨       RGV is still finding a beautiful lady after Jiah for his movies but audience stopped finding any of RGV's movies

¨       She lets us recall Divya Bharti, who took the reason of her death with herself in 1993 (20 years back)

¨       Told us from heaven that suicide is not good solution for the problems

¨       Indian movie audience asked her to comeback, they will watch Nishabd again and again