In a major proof that Pakistan army is involved in the killings of Indian soldiers, India's intelligence agency Research & Analysis Wing found video tapes of Lashkar-e-Taiba (LeT) Chief Hafiz Saeed showing his penis to Pakistan Army personnel as well as terrorists who were to cross border and attack Indian soldiers.

"We found these tapes from our sources in Pakistan military. Saeed came to border just 2 days back before the attacks took place. He satisfied all Pakistan Army soldiers and terrorists with his sexual indulgence. He let them handle his short penis and ass hole till they felt fulfilled and promised them that if they complete the task they can handle him as like their slave. The source said that 99% Pakistan army is actually proven gay and dreams illicit relationship with Hafiz Saeed," said a source from RAW.

Hafiz Saeed is known for his extreme terrorism with focus on provoking Pakistan people as well as army personnel to attack on India.

"Those guys believe in voyeurism and like to see Saeed dancing naked and giving different poses. Even according to our sources, Kasab was one time boy friend of Hafiz Saeed," said the source from RAW.

The source also added that Saeed is in demand from Chinese military, including Chinese Army chief, Talibanis and Al-Qaida terrorists.

Surprised by Rahul Gandhi's two unconventional comments, Alfred Nobel has personally recommended Rahul Gandhi's name for Nobel Prize for peace and chemistry. Nobel also asked authorities to change the name of Nobel Prize to Rajiv Gandhi Jeevan Mukti Award.

"Yesterday, I read Raul's statement that 'poverty is just a state of mind' and I was completely shocked. That was totally unbelievable; a guy is talking about reducing poverty in just a fraction of seconds which even great activists and philanthropists couldn't do in past thousands of years," said Alfred Nobel, in whose name Nobel Prize is distributed to great personalities of the world. Nobel was talking to India Satire correspondent from Heaven.

While Rahul Gandhi's statement that 'poverty is just a state of mind' drew flak from opposition parties, Alfred Nobel said that one should look at the statement with creative mind. He said that if everybody will stop complaining about poverty and said that it is just a state of mind then nobody will be poor.

"I think earth should take this statement with positive state of mind and campaign among all poor people about the power of self confidence and their weak state of mind," said Alfred Nobel.

Nobel also discussed on Rahul's another statement that 'costly medical facilities behind poverty'. He said "Prima-facie statement looks idiotic but if we closely interpret it, it has great meaning. See if you are poor you will never afford medical facilities and therefore if you don't afford medical facilities you are poor that is what he wanted to say. This is a great invention in Chemistry, Physics and Biology. See what he is talking about covers entire spectrum of Science, all the three streams.

Now if we correlate this statement with earlier one, we would get a deeper philosophical meaning as well. It says that if you think you are poor, which is a proven psychological disease you will require some psychiatric help to remove such disease from your mind. But psychiatrists are costly these days and therefore people who can't afford them remain poor by mind. I think it needs a man who understands deeper meaning from these precious words and not s0me stupid critic who calls people like Raul 'Pappu' and 'Buddhu'. I understood this meaning and therefore I wrote a letter to Nobel Prize committee to give all Nobel Prizes to Rahul Gandhi and stop using my name and change it to Rajiv Gandhi Jeevan Mukti Award."

Indian Government said that it is actually running out of ideas meant to entertain people and seeks public suggestions. The government said that to remain in the power it has to consistently offer entertainment to people and for past 9 years it has already covered every aspect of human life whether scam, corruption or crimes such as rapes and murders.

"Now as we have covered all the gamut of your life in past 9 years, we want something new to offer you so that we can continue to entertain you forever," said Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh in a speech to the nation.

He said UPA government has covered almost everything that makes people discussing, enjoying and connecting themselves with other people but now the government is in trouble and has nothing new to offer. He objectively gave reference of Durga Nagpal case and said that IAS officer suspension was an icing on the cake.  

"We are not able to think anything new as we covered every bit of the essence of the democracy such as scams, corruption cases, rapes, murders, terror attacks, policy paralyses and governance issues. But now we feel that our brains are jammed pack and require some fresh infusion of thoughts. And therefore I request everybody to login to website www.hamaracongress.com and suggest something new so that we continue to entertain you," said Dr. Singh in an emotional speech. According to sources, millions of Indians hit the website and demanded dance performance from the UPA ministers. 

While on one hand the case regarding suspension of Durga Shakti Nagpal has taken rampant, on the other side Indian public started process of forgetting her.

"It is subtle process. We steadily and gradually started forgetting Durga Nagpal and waiting for some new subject of national interest for discussion," said representative of Indians, Pappu Pandey.

Pappu Pandey's statement has significance in conjunction with the monsoon session of Parliament is getting started. Pappu expects many new issues will come in the session and steadily he will lose his attention on Durga Nagpal case.

"That is bound to happen. Some new issue will come and I will lose my focus on Durga Nagpal. Now I think I am ready to start forgetting Durga Shakti Nagpal," said Pappu.

Samajwadi Party Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav confirmed that he is also closely monitoring the intensity of the issue discussed on Twitter, Facebook as well as other social media platforms.

"First media starts discussion on the topic then intellects and social activists express their opinion after which opposition starts condemning us and thereafter Bollywood starts protesting and few protesters come with candle lights and finally next subject comes and everybody forgets the issue," said Akhilesh Yadav explaining the entire process of forgetting.

He said "Now as even filmy personalities have started talking about Durga Nagpal topic so that means we are at final stages of the process of forgetting."

According to experts, the idea is to never carry burden of sadness with you and change with dynamic world.

"This is surely in line with my earlier observation that people have short memories," said expert Sushil Kumar Shinde.

He said "I am damn sure that they will forget Durga Nagpal as well."

Process of Forgetting

(Note: This study results are not for people with weak hearts.)

An independent study conducted by officers of Indian Administrative Services (IAS) along with Indian Institute of Science (IIS) reveals that the politician who suspends or transfers bureaucrat, generally faces severe punishment after his death. The study says that the politician, including minister to road side politician goes to hell and is rebuked by hell monsters.

"Severity of punishment depends on whether suspension is of Class I or Class IV official. If it is Class I then the punishment will be highest," said IAS Officer Satyadev Dubey who personally visited the hell along with IIS students and generated the study.

Coincidentally, the study results are coincided with the recent suspension of Durga Shakti Nagpal, an IAS officer by Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav. Durga is a Class I officer and said to have stood against sand mafias in Greater Noida. However, she was suspended on the allegation of provoking communal minds over a demolition of Mosque wall. The event exposed political links with sand mafias.

"That is also a similar case but our study was started much before this case erupts. But I like to say that the result will not be different. If Akhilesh has suspended Durga and never revokes her suspension then whenever he dies Yamduts will take him to hell and give him severe punishment," said Satyadev Dubey "I give you one example of punishment. Consider a minister in the hell who transferred or suspended an IAS officer in his life. Hell monsters first chop him properly into pieces and then fry him thoroughly in hot mustard oil to make good Baby Pakodas. These pakodas are very popular in heaven where man-eater Chinese people stay. They give any kind of price to hell monsters for these fried pakodas. Particularly, Indian politicians are more famous as they are very tasty and meaty too." 

Reacting to Maharashtra Navnirman Sena's (MNS) threat that his movie Chennai Express would not be allowed to be released in Maharashtra, the actor Shahrukh Khan appealed all Indians not to watch the movie as it is very cheap and hopeless.

"Forget MNS and Maharashtra, I appeal all the Indians that avoid watching this movie. It is useless and totally waste of your money. Just now I saw a first screening and that is totally trash. If you really care about your brain and don't want to damage your personal, physical and mental properties then please, please and again please don't watch this hopeless film," said Shahrukh Khan, requesting on the India Satire Correspondent's camera.

Chennai Express is going to release all over the world in early-August and was earlier thought as the mega epic with expectations of thousands of crores of turnover. However, Shahrukh Khan's appeal to the nation could make his fans rethink about the film.

He said "I don't want to say you lie. I assure you that you will not find anything new in this movie. Half movie is mine and half is copied from Ajay Devgn's movies. I sincerely request you that forget MNS thing and just do one thing never ever watch this movie in theaters, nor on dvds or even on TV channels. Forget buying tickets, even somebody is gifting the tickets consider the guy as your enemy and punch him hard."