North Korea strikes nuclear missiles on its own cities

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 22 April 2013 | Posted in , , ,

Kim Jong-un in press conference
North Korea blasted all its major cities to test the effectiveness of its missiles. The cities include capital city Pyongyang and other major cities such as Anju, Chongjin, Chongju and Hamhung. Missiles loaded with nuclear bombs destroyed a million of population in few seconds.
"We wanted to test the effectiveness of our missiles. We were tired of beta testing and eager to check how much they really could destroy the world. Now all these weapons are ready to launch on South Korea, Japan and USA," said North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in a packed press conference.
He said "All the blasts are successful and killed a million of people easily. This attack was just a pinch of salt and we can make bigger attacks more easily. If the world wants to see the effectiveness of bigger attack, we can launch it again on our cities."
Kim Jong-un confirmed that he can now threaten developed world with more thrust and vigor.

Political parties busy in collecting 'shit'

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , , ,




Prices of shit and cow dung sky rocketed, as demand from Indian political parties increased ahead of the state and central elections, reported by special bureau of the India Satire.
"All the political parties are buying huge quantities of shit and cow dung from each and every corner of the country before they start their final rallies for the central elections," said Ramcharan Sharma, owner of a largest cow and buffalo tabela in Uttar Pradesh.
Prices of shit increased by 130% and cow dung by 90% in last 2 months after many parties started kicking up their new rallies for the elections. Generally, this shit is used to throw on their rival parties. According to sources, currently Congress and BJP are top 2 buyers.
"It is necessary to collect required stock of dung and shit, as it has to be used all the time of election period. We have just completed purchase of developmental shit from every corner of Gujarat to answer Congress Party’s secular shit," said BJP President Rajnath Singh.
The sources confirmed that many parties are competing with Congress led UPA on purchasing secular shit and Aam Aadmi Party in purchasing corruption shit so that they can come as a third front option.
"My sources said that Mulayam Singh Yadav has routed all the money from his new government in buying secularism as well as anti-Congress anti-CBI shit. This way he will stay in comfortable position if Congress wins in the election or not," said Ramcharan Sharma. However, he also suggested that Mayawati is not yet started bulk purchasing.
Experts suggested that 2014 central elections and elections in many states will see record amount of shit throwing. Parties like Aam Aadmi Party and MNS are resorting to inexpensive corruption and regionalism shit, respectively.
"Their agenda is new and nobody else has chosen it for election campaigning because of high risk nature. Therefore, the shit is also getting at very cheap prices," said expert Rajendra Bandopaddhyay who closely tracks the political developments.
He also said that parties like DMK and AIADMK have sent their shit collectors to Sri Lanka to get shitty developments of anti-Tamil environment.
Election Commission has never formed any kind of rules and regulations over buying shit and therefore political parties have never shown any restraint in bulk purchasing. However, many experts said that Election Commission should come in picture to stop leaders from buying and throwing so much of shit on their counterparts.
Exclusive Report - India Satire

A man regretted buying tickets for ‘Nautanki Saala’ after Ayushmann Khurrana confirmed he is still breathing

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 18 April 2013 | Posted in , ,

An urban man felt sorry after he came to know on Twitter that Ayushmann Khurrana is actually alive. He regretted for buying movie tickets of Khurrana's 'Nautanki Saala'.

"I thought he was dead and therefore bought tickets for his movie 'Nautanki Saala'. It was a small tribute to upcoming star Khurrana by patiently watching that movie for 2 hours. But now as he is not dead, I feel I have made grave mistake of my life," said Ramakant Desai.

Ramakant Desai, a fan of good and watchable movies bought two tickets for Nautanki Saala. He was going for the movie with his girlfriend. Desai thought it would be a good idea to give mark of respect to the freshest star by watching totally stupid movie.

"I never saw Ramakant excited about some crappy and tasteless movie. But he called me in the afternoon said that he wanted to watch Nautanki Saala as the guy starring in the movie is no more. He sincerely wanted to show honor to Ayushmann," said Julie Joseph Fernandes, Ramakant's girlfriend.

Ramakant said "We have now decided to watch the movie just to punish ourselves for our silliest mistake of believing in this kind of rumour."

Justice Markandey Katju announced indefinite fast, will not work till Sanjay Dutt is pardoned

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 16 April 2013 | Posted in , ,

After meeting Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Press Council of India (PCI) Chairman Justice Markandey Katju announced an indefinite fast. He will not work and fulfill his responsibilities till his plea of clemency for Sanjay Dutt and few other criminals is considered by the Government of India.
"I will not work till the government pardons Sanjay Dutt and four other hardcore criminals," said Katju.
He said "I don't think PCI work is that important. It is a kind of shitty work and can be done by my peon. I want to sacrifice that work on getting justice for these innocent guys. I will not work till I get desired results from my fast."
According to sources, besides paltry PCI work, Katju will restrain himself on taking efforts of eating, sleeping, bathing and scratching till Government responds positively to his fast. He has appointed people to do all this dirty work.
A Delhi based NGO 'Incremental Social Push' has declared its support to Markandey Katju. The venue for fast is still to be decided and formal announcement will come on Wednesday. Though venue is less important matter, Katju is pushing for Jantar Mantar against Ramleela Maidan.
"Whatever ground I would get, it is fine for me. But what is more important is justice to Sanjay Dutt. He sacrificed his 20 years for a paltry 5-year jail. I want the government to take humanitarian stand and allow him to roam free," said Katju.

SP Tulsian recommends buying Gold at whatever price, believes in Bappi Lahiri magic

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 15 April 2013 | Posted in , , ,

Leading market expert and stock analyst SP Tulsian recommended buying gold at whatever price it is available.

"I have studied earlier pattern in the gold prices. I found that whenever gold prices tumble sharply an ace investor Bappi Lahiri buys tons of gold just to add to his jewellery," said Tulsian supporting his argument.

He said Bappi Lahiri who is famous for his investment in gold uses opportunity of falling gold prices for re-entry.

"He was the stabilising factor last time in the gold crash. His investment pattern similar like LIC, which supports equity markets by buying equities at the time of crash. Same way Bappi Lahiri also buys tons of gold from several central banks in the world when the prices tumble," said SP Tulsian.

He also said that whenever Lahiri magic works out, the gold prices become double in a year or two.


As gold prices crashed, Makrand Deshpande's Sona Spa saw huge turnout

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , ,

Makrand Deshpande's Sona Spa is in huge demand after gold prices in India and globe crashed sharply today. According to experts, people who lost their money in gold visited Sona Spa for relaxation. Sources close to Makrand Deshpande said that Deshpande even had to face outrage of many customers on limited availability of seats.

"Yes that's true. As I was unable to attend every customer, they are coming on appointment only," said Makrand Deshpande, who recently launched Sona Spa along in a partnership with Naseeruddin Shah.

Gold prices crashed today on account of weakening global growth, particularly China's GDP growth tumbled today. Currently, prices are trading at Rs26000 levels down from the highs of Rs32000 levels. Therefore, crash in the gold prices resulted in heavy demand for Sona Spa.

"At one point of time, there was a queue of at least 1000 people," said an eye witness who saw the madness of people for booking an appointment with Sona Spa.

Makrand Deshpande launched Sona Spa on March 22 with an idea to help people using revitalization techniques. He appointed many beautiful girls. However, after initial poor response Makrand Deshpande sacked all the girls and he himself started massaging people. Naseeruddin Shah works for part-time.

The eye witness said "People realised that only Sona Spa can reduce their depression from losing money in bullion market and will allow them to sleep nicely."

The eye witness also saw equity market expert SP Tulsian at the venue discovering the possibility of getting an early entry.

"He was asking Deshpande for early entry to get some relaxation after losing huge money in the gold market. He put a plan of exchanging his stock tips at free of cost for entry in Sona Spa," said the eye witness.

SP Tulsian confirmed the news.

"Sona Spa is best place where people can remove their aggravation and revitalize themselves. Even I had been there and made myself comfortable. I trust in fundamental value of the Spa and I think it has bright prospects," said market analyst SP Tulsian.

Tulsian said that he bought 100kg gold at Rs 32000 levels after he received SMS from commodity tipper saying that gold would touch 50000 rupees in 2 months.

"Yea that was the wrong call. It was first time that I had not trusted on my own fundamental idea. I was feeling that gold could have touched Rs 10000 levels but still I believed on tip. Now I can't even average it out," said Tulsian.

However, he thanked Sona Spa for helping him getting rid of his frustration.

Skinny actor Deshpande said "My idea behind launching Sona Spa was only public welfare. Sona hai toh sona hai. Tagline of my Sona Spa is 'You can buy your sleep here'."

He said "It was difficult to manage depression from losing 10-20% value in gold. Sona Spa takes care of your frustration and helps you out to become comfortable. I myself give you good massage and relaxation treatment as all lady attendant left the Spa for non-payment of salary."

Indian Govt condemns Narendra Modi for not creating suicide friendly atmosphere for farmers

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 12 April 2013 | Posted in , , , , ,

Indian Government issued a statement condemning Gujarat Chief Minister over not creating suicide friendly atmosphere for state farmers, as like Congress led states such as Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh.
"We condemn Gujarat Chief Minister for his loose handling on farmer suicide issue and ask him to re look his strategy. Performance of his government suggests that he has not worked in favour of farmers over the years and a very few suicides had been noted in the state," said Congress spokes person and part time minister Manish Tewari.
Tewari said that the Indian government has slammed a notice on Gujarat government seeking answer from state officials on why farmers were not enjoying suicides in bulk as like other developed states such as Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh.
"We are constantly observing situation in Gujarat. How can he allow suicide numbers to be so less? This is against the idea of creating more and more suicidal friendly atmosphere for the farmers," Tewari said.
According Crime Report 2011 released by National Crime Records bureau, Congress led states Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh and BJP led Madhya Pradesh and Karnataka created suicide friendly environment while big states like Gujarat remained backward.
Farmers suicide friendly states in India
Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar said "Development needs to be inclusive. While Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh are quoting good suicide numbers, other bigger states like Gujarat remains backward. It is the duty of state authorities to improve the number very fast. Gujarat Govt has shown shameless approach over farmer issues by keeping themselves backward on suicide related subjects."
He also said that it was because him those Maharashtra farmers (his home state) are aware of killing themselves quite easily.
He said "They are very educated and aware people and frequently indulge in suicides just because state has created such a friendly environment. For Karnataka and Madhya Pradesh, we believe that BJP Govt is overestimating suicides."
According to Govt sources, most of the cabinet ministers of UPA were worried over the expectations that they would lose their position against Gujarat just because severe draught like situation last year. But that thing never took place.
"Thanks to Rahulji. He directly approached invisible power that drives decision in Modi's brain. That invisible power successfully led Modi to handle the situation in right way," said Manish Tewari.