Sanjay Joshi quits BJP, joins Dara ki Vyayamashala

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 8 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Challenges Modi to have real kushti with him on the muddy red turf
Sulking BJP General Secretary Sanjay Joshi resigned from the party and took a decision to join a roadside local Gymnasium as a coach and a participant in a Kushtis.

"Yes, it was so dumb to remain in the party which was just supporting Narendra Modi without giving me a proper chance to have Mukka Laat with him. It's ridiculous when the entire party is biased. While Nitinji made my way to fight with him by appointing me as a General Secretary and on the crucial task of Uttar Pradesh, other RSS and BJP guys just hide him from me. See now a battle should be there on an equal and non biased turf. Therefore, I just joined this Dara ki Vyayamashala in which I will train kids to fight against non-secular nature people while Dara Singh, head of the Vyayamashala will personally train me. I challenge Narendra Modi, come on this muddy red turf and have a kushti with me, surely I will show him my power," said Sanjay Joshi.
He said that he also asked Nitin Gadkari to leave BJP's presidential post and use the opportunity to reduce his weight.
"However, Nitinji meakly denied and told me that he has many things to do apart from losing weight," said Sanjay Joshi.
India Satire correspondent contacted Narendra Modi, who said that he doesn't give a shit on all these useless challenges and would like to continue his brainy fight rather than physical level abuse.

BREAKING NEWS: Photograph of toilet seat of Planning Commission before its upgradation leaked

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 7 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Toilet seat has no body to adopt after Planning Commission in humanely thrown out for costly and premium seat
India Satire Correspondent received a leaked photograph of a pink colour toilet seat which was lying on the street opposite to Planning Commission's office. Sources said that it was the same seat which was used by Planning Commission top notch Montek Singh Ahulwalia. The condition of the seat is totally unwell and requires some attention and surgery from the Planning Commission officials.

"It is ridiculous. How can Monty do to this to a poor toilet seat to just want to sit on a seat with cushion and a proper high tech sound system. I know few people can't finish the things if they don't listen to music but besides careless attitude towards old toilet seat and also spending Rs 35 lakhs on just an upgradation is totally intolerable. People who don't have facility to listen the songs while doing, they themselves become singers," said Ms Aruna Roy, Member of National Advisory Council (NAC) "He should show at least a bit of humanity."
Toilet Seat on the streets of Planning Commission office after the officials chose premium to it

A street smarter on the Planning Commission street, Dhinchak Nandu who is planning to use the seat also knew the emotional saga of the seat.
"For many days, it was lying here just nobody had anything to do with. I thought I should use it. However, just a couple of days back I came to know that it was from an esteemed place of the Planning Commission Headquarter," Nandu told India Satire Correspondent.

Rahul Gandhi refused to use Planning Commission's toilet, as it was not aam toilet

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Event happened when Rahul Baba gave a surprise-visit to the headquarter of Commission
In a surprise visit to headquarter of Planning Commission, Rahul Gandhi meekly refused to use Planning Commission's toilet telling it was not aam toilet.

"I humbly refused Monty Uncle's request to use the toilet of Planning Commission's headquarters, despite I was very much fervent to clear my tummy," said Rahul Baba, India's future Prime Minister.
Development happened when Rahul Gandhi visited Planning Commission's head office yesterday. While he was discussing with Montek Singh Ahluwalia about India's economic situation and world that is close to an end in 2012, Rahul Baba became agitated after digestion issues cropped up on yesterday's little bit heavy Italian food.
Finally exasperated Rahul Baba left the road, asked security guard address of Sulabh Shauchalaya which, he couldn't give as he was also using same headquarter's toilet. Before using a side lane, Montek Singh caught him up and sent him to his house without delay.
Rahul Baba told India Satire Correspondent "When Monty Uncle showed me the toilet I was astonished and told him that it was a very costly and aam aadmi, whom I represent can't afford it. He said then so what in Rs 28 as it is he will have to seat on the street or on green grass. However, in spite of his lot of convincing statements I clearly told him that this toilet seat is not for me. Though I am a Prince, even at my house I specially gave an aam aadmi look to my individual toilet. Every Prince should observe the intensity of the problems of his aam aadmis."
Sources said that Montek Singh Ahluwalia took Rahul Baba's statement very seriously and asked the feasibility report from the Plan panel for supplying Rs 35 lakh toilets to aam aadmis in India.
Sources also told that since Montek announced the poverty line of Rs 28 per person per day, he eats only 2 plates of Pasta daily.

BREAKING NEWS: Reliance Industries announced venturing into social networking business

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 6 June 2012 | Posted in

Mukesh Ambani announcing Social Networking venture in AGM
TOP STORY - BUSINESS
It will start its own 'Relbook' to compete with Facebook
Continuing its trend to announce entry into some new business dimensions in its AGM, Reliance Industries will venture into Social Networking Sites, by launching 'Relbook'.

"After so many announcements in last so many years for entering into so many businesses, today we are proud to announce an entry in a Social Networking Market. We are glad to tell you that we shall directly compete with Facebook by launching our own Indian 'Relbook'. The venture will be another big bang entry for the company and value will be derived out of it would be immense for our shareholders," Mukesh Ambani told Reliance Industries' share holders.
The announcement was a big surprise for the investors, who were discussing the agenda of the company's meeting since morning. Right now the investors are confused on how to react to announcement, as the lucrative business is amid the fall out of Facebook shares on the US bourses keep them guessing. The stock price was just 1.7% up.  However, most of the reactions came like Reliance has the habit to enter into some useless businesses like textiles, retail, telecom, infocom, media and many more, now if it is social networking them what's so different.
SP Tulsian of sptulsian.com said, "It's a forum for pleasing the shareholders, where you will see them giving a broad outlook or reaffirming their positive stance on the exploration, upstream, petchem, refinery segments and all sort of things."
He said "However, besides some entry in some useless and paltry businesses, I never thought Mukesh will announce venturing into Social Networing business. I never touched any IT stocks, because the businesses are confused and goes over the board, so I think I will stop tracking Reliance too if the company invests into such useless business."
Sources said that today morning Mukesh Ambani, Chairman of the company read a news that Facebook would shut down in next 5-8 years made him take sudden decision to invest in social networking sites.
"Every great corporate take immediate decision. Mukesh bhai also takes decision fast. He thought one moment and discussed with me and finally decided to go ahead," said Mukesh Ambani's driver Jatin bhai.
Mukesh Ambani said "I see sustainability of any business in the eyes of aam aadmi. When my driver said me to go ahead with the venture, I just gave a call to my management and told them to include topic in the AGM's agenda. Reliance Industries will invest Rs50,000Cr in this business and will generate employment for 10 lakh people. This will be our biggest investment."
SP Tulsian said "They have the habit of announcing extraordinary investments so forget that. I want to know how this Facebook operates.
He said to India Satire correspondent "It is sucking. Just can you tell me?"
Facebook, however, gave a depressed reaction. Mark Zuckerberg, its founder said "Reliance has no right to invest in all the unrelated businesses. At least let us leave for next 5-8 years, they want to shut our office down by next year only. 10 lakh people for Relbook, sucks."


(This is a fake news from fake sources. So don't believe in it)

Montek Singh Ahluwalia to represent brand Jaquar in bathroom fittings

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

Montek Singh explaining the process of working of Jaquar bathroom fittings
NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Monty to represent most ignored and deprived section of Indian houses
After justifying the budget spent over Planning Commission's bathrooms and toilets, Montek Singh Ahluwalia said he signed a contract to promote Jaquar bathroom fittings.

"Experience Bathing!" said Montek Singh Ahluwalia on a presentation ceremony where Jaquar's Director & Promoter Rajesh Mehra announced him as the brand ambassador of his company's brands.
"He is a bathroom king," said Rajesh Mehra "Montek Singh would be most ideal person to promote our brands in bathing. It's a straight deal, he is popular for his toilet and bathroom adventures while we are the best in it, so why not ask him only for acting as a bathroom king."
Sources said that Montek will allow Jaquar to take few bathing and morning deliberation video clips so that the company would discuss on how to go on promotional activities.
"Montek Singh agreed for sharing his bathing and toilet experiences so that we shall capture them in videos and will promote our accessories and fittings," said Sandeep Shukla, Head Marketing Communication - Jaquar India.
"I think toilet and bathroom is the most deprived and ignored section in a house. It can be called as poor or aam section. My first intention to promote it was to give this section a suitable name and recalling its lost value. This activity will also improve the brand Planning Commission which was always considered as making estimates on the air," said Montek Singh Ahluwalia.
According to few sources, the job compensation was done based on Monty Formula of Poverty Line which gives some bit of discount to company and some bit of premium to Montek Singh.

Internet surfer searching for 'hot mallu aunty' saw Aishwarya Rai's photo

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 5 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BOLLYWOOD
Aishwarya Rai in depression when she came to know the news
Abhishek Bachchan has got another reason to irk on the media after a frequent internet surfer, Rajiv Malhotra got astonishing results on Google after he searched for hottest keywords in India 'hot desi mallu aunty'. Google gave Aishwarya Rai's photos as results for keyword search.

"Yes! actually earlier there were photos of Vidya Balan when I used to search 'hot mallu aunty' on Google images search due to her boldest fatty appearance in the Dirty Picture and thereafter many photos and videos of few 'B' grade actresses in south Indian film industry. However, I was shocked when yesterday I saw Aishwarya Rai while searching for the same keywords. Earlier, I read that Aish had lost weight significantly for Cannes but now this is shocking that Google gave such kind of results," said Rajiv Malhotra.
However, the news itself spread faster than earlier thought by anybody. Next day the news came on the front page of Times of India, which was unofficially considered as Bachchan family's PR paper. The news clipping drew thousands of comments suggesting Aishwarya the ways to lose her weight.
"Aish is depressed by reading all this nonsense and crap things. Why should be she considered as Mallu Aunty? We have formally filed a case against Google, taking assistance of IIPM head Arindam Chaudhuri," said furious Abhishek Bachchan.
Arindam was the first in the world who complained against search results of Google for joining his name to different kinds of scams, fraud, and calling him idi*t.
"I have an experience of leading these kinds of things. Lots of people mocked about me and I answered them showing my teeth," said Arindam.
Sources said that Aishwarya went through depression after reading this and asked help of Hrithik Roshan who also gone with such an experience after his movie 'Guzaarish' was flopped.
"She is now recovering and will take serious efforts of reducing weight," said Abhishek.

Thank God! It's just Rs 35 lakh for toilet; in other nations they take Rs 4-5 crore - Montek Singh Ahluwalia

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

Montek Singh Ahluwalia explaining the process of toilet
BRIEF NEWS - POLITICS
In spite of spending Rs 35 lakh, the toilet system has no automatic cleaning system
Reacting to the hot news that Planning Commission of India spent Rs 35 lakh to upgrade two toilets, Montek Singh Ahluwalia said that it was his hard bargaining which let them upgraded toilets at just Rs 35 lakhs while it takes at least Rs 4-5 crore, globally.
"Oho oho! that news ho ho ho ho," said Montek Singh Ahluwalia, chief of the Planning Commission "That idiot reporter showed that Rs 35 lakhs is like a huge sum we spent on toilets. It was so much fun reading it. He he he he..."
He said "You get nothing for Rs 35 lakhs these days. Do you know how much inflation is rising? And what do you expect how much it requires to construct toilets? With a little bit Window AC and Laptop Adopter near toilet seat, it requires at least Rs 4-5 crore based on the global standards but because of our hard negotiations and wittiness, the work had been done for Rs 35 lakhs only."
He said that the pricing was decided based on Monty Formula of Poverty Line (a famous formula which states a person who lives on 4 samosas a day is above poverty line). According to formula, contractors though were legitimate to get Rs 4-5 crore had to satisfy for the amount of 7 odd percent.
"The toilet sucks because of our conservative approach," said Montek Singh "The seat doesn't have cushion, it doesn't have automatic cleaning process and stain remover. We have to do it all by our own hands because of this shitty cheap toilet. Now still media raises question."
"I don't understand how much the media sucks in India. Thank God! We upgraded at the price Rs 35 lakhs otherwise these people would have constructed as it is another scam," said Montek Singh.