On request of Maharashtra, Central Government plans to allocate special funds in budget for Mohammed Ajmal Kasab

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 13 April 2012 | Posted in


Montek Singh suggested special provisions to Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab in five year 
plans

Indian government plans to give a birthday gift to Ajmal Kasab by allocating special funds in the union budget, after Maharashtra state government rejected Kasab's Rs 19 cr security bill saying Kasab first took Indian lives and then Indian money and therefore asked full waiver from the money.



However, central government's new proposal saw serious criticisms from Indian economists and opposition parties. While economists raised questions such as how would the government provide huge funds for caretaker ship of Ajmal Kasab and Afzal Guru, which is already stretched with burden of subsidies and thereby huge fiscal deficit. Opposition parties totally thrashed out the idea of caretaking the terrorists and asked government to speed up the process of their execution. Human Rights Commission has taken a cautious stand.

The development came after Kasab asked government that he was not getting enough of food on account of rising food prices and overall inflationary levels are still stubborn. A letter to Soniaji, of which India Satire has a copy mentioned that the Jail superintendents have stopped providing high protein non-veg food like mutton and chicken. Even on mubarak days of baasi Eid, he had to eat vegetarian food. Kasab said in the letter "This behavior is totally against humanity."

Further in the letter, Kasab asked Indian government to provide enough security as he is now worried that India's closeness with USA would eventually result in his execution. He also asked Madamji to provide non-veg food everyday to maintain his tough attitude which he demonstrated in 26/11.

According to sources, when Salman Khurshid showed this letter to Soniaji, she cried bitterly, after reading that letter out of motherly feeling. However, officially Chacha Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha) denied all these talks and he said that those were only rumors. However, he agreed that the government on special requests of Madamji and Rahul Baba is considering the proposal from humanitary angle.

Diggy Chacha also slammed Maharashtra government and gave them Delhi government's example which is still keeping Afzal Guru in a safe custody providing all the 5-star arrangements.
Talking about opposition parties, Diggy Chacha said "BJP is keeping terrorsts like RSS so what is the harm in keeping yuva brigade which is against RSS terrorists."

Pranab Mukherjee who was busy in working out the proposal in a very immeditely said "Uddi baba! thish ish not a very big hall to hour balansh sheet. We are conshidering the proposhal of bringing direct foreign inveshtment sho don't worry about the funding gap."

However, he didn't divulge any thing further he said it would be around a ratio of 76% foreign and 24% Indian corporate. For marketing proposal among Indian corporate, Pranabda told that the government is going to appoint India's best RAW agent, Agent Vinod.

Pranabda also told India Satire correspondent that the government has sent the proposal to Planning Commission to include it as Special Privilege Scheme for Special People (SPSSP).

Montek Singh Ahluwalia said "I received the copy of the proposal and we are trying to do our calculations. Our estimates are India's poverty will reduce from Rs28 per day per person to Rs20 per day per person by 2014 and the share of Rs8 per day per person for 10000 people will be directly allocated to Kasab and Afzal Guru for next 5 years and if some more people would be sent by Pakistan. We plan to promote few Italian food brands in the jail by using this ocassion. Pizza and burger would be freely available to Kasab on his birthday on September 13."

Story was prepared based on the suggestion of Nirvana

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Government to allow porn movies in India to tap huge population for elections in 2014

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 12 April 2012 | Posted in


TOP STORIES

A high level committee set up under the guidance of Mahesh Bhatt

Preparing for 2014 elections, the UPA government plans to allow film makers to make porn movies with 'U' and 'A' certificates to attract huge population which is surfing porn on the net. The government has set up a high level committee under the guidance of Mahesh Bhatt to understand the pros and cons of allowing porn movies in India. The decision has came after the government recognised changing taste of Indians towards more wicked movie content and challenge made by Mahesh Bhatt that Indians have no guts of accepting porn movies.



Recently, Indians for Sexual Liberties, a famous organization that is spearheading 'Sexual freedom' movement announced protest at Jantar Mantar, for a 'demonstration with a difference' as prostitutes, pornographic actors and brothel owners prepare to lay siege to the historic monument to demand sexual freedom - legalizing prostitution, sex toys, pornography and homosexuality. It claims to have invited filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt and porn actor Sunny Leone as chief guests. Mahesh Bhatt had recently made a statement "We don't have the guts to accept porn in India."

However, government denied any such kind of movement was behind its decision but told that the government wants to become mature along with the changing needs of Indian people.

"We don't give any fu*king importance to Mahesh Bhatt's comments. He has whole lot of free time to make such useless comments. We are more concern over changing habits of Indian society and therefore we finally planned to set up a high level committee to give their views over allowing porn movies in India. The committee will also segregate the protocols for porn movies for children i.e., U certificate and porn movies for adults, i.e., A certificate porn movies," said Kapil Sibal, Telecom Minister of India who is also invented new role of zero by introducing zero loss theory.

According to Kapil Sibal, the above development will reduce the wastage of time of Indian youth over criticizing, defaming and disparaging humble, kind and good-heart politicians like him.

"These idi*ts always get indulge into faking my photos or calling me stup*d, idi*t and usel*ss on a$$hole sites like India Satire. Because of this new idea I think people will indulge into more productive things than browsing useless sites like India Satire," said Kapil Sibal.

Half-porn Producer and Director Mahesh Bhatt said "This is a good step of the government I believe. For a creative producer like me and director like Vikram, it is always difficult to set a boundary on how much we can go in depths of body chemistry of hero and heroine. However, the government's decision will allow us to cross these theoretical boundaries."

Another half-porn director Vikram Bhatt who will have a significant role in the committee said "I am seriously feeling giggling with this idea. Whatever is in my imagination, now can be reflected in my movies."

Vikram Bhatt, however, regretted that the government's understanding had to change before producing his new movie Hate Story, as he could have given more real and true picture to Indian audience. He also denied all the allegations that there are only those many scenes in the movie which have shown in promos.

The government also appointed Karnataka's sacked ministers for watching porn to help the committee in deciding over the movie selection and the boundaries over child and adult porn movies.

"We think everybody has something to demonstrate. These Karnataka ex-ministers had a great eye to understand human body in depth. They can also help in getting us better movies over sex education for children. However, BJP had a very lack of vision over the use of these ex-ministers in proper direction. I am happy that the government took this decision and now there will be no comparison between 'Garam CDs' and ordinary CDs," said Chacha Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha).

While asked him whether the government is trying to attract huge Indian porn viewers to vote in favor of UPA in 2014 elections, he said "This claim is totally wrong and our vision is just to make sure that everybody lives happily in India."


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RESEARCH AND STUDIES: Mahesh Bhatt chews a private brand Pan Masala

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


RESEARCH AND STUDIES

Chewing and Munching tooth shows height of intellectualism - Experts

India Satire finally found the reason why the hell Mahesh Bhatt looks like chewing something while talking. After intense investigation and detailed research, the India Satire research team finally found that Mahesh Bhatt chews Pan Masala of a private brand, a kind of sweet supari all the time.

Ram Kisan, Mahesh Bhatt's servant, reaching whom was very difficult and risky task for India Satire correspondent revealed that his boss eats Rajanigandha Pan Masala, world’s largest selling brand of meetha supari that helps Indians to rule world.


Mahesh Bhatt without talking anything
Ram Kisan said "U Mahesh saab kaa roj Rajanigandha Paan Masala laagat hai. Ukaa jab bhi sochnaa hot hai tab wo u masala khaat hai. Jab bhi hum kaa daatnaa hot hai tabaiy bhi unkaa laagat hai."
However, India Satire didn't take Ram Kisan's words at face value and did its intensive research, findings of which are quite astonishing.

While going through old and new videos Mahesh Bhatt, India Satire found that he has a habit to talk like chewing his own tooth, which just not only portray him as an intellectual and studied the topic quite carefully but also he and only he has fuc*ing authority of talking on that topic. While India Satire was quite amazed with Mahesh Bhatt's authoritative skills over any of single or multiple topics in the world which include from why Congo women have all the rights to remain nude to why India has no gutsto watch porno movies. He also talked authoritatively on why should and shouldn't Anna Hazare talks on film industry's corruption.

India Satire along with other news media people was working on the reason how he can talk so authoritatively our first finding was shocking. Mahesh Bhatt talks so authoritatively because whatever he says is by munching his own tooth so harshly that everybody feels he is talking something significant and intellectual. On that basis, India Satire got a very good direction.

Mahesh Bhatt munching his own tooth - Zoom View


After getting preliminary direction, India Satire started searching to find out two things. First, was it natural for Mahesh Bhatt munching, cracking, crunching and chewing his own tooth or did he use some bit of external supplement for doing this exercise. Second was what helped him to keep his tooth so strong and powerful despite so much of humiliation.

While India Satire correspondent kept close watch on Mahesh Bhatt's routine, the correspondent also asked private detective recommended by renowned CID Dayanand Shetty to find out the actual reason. After Ram Kisan's statement, India Satire took Mahesh Bhatt's recent and historical photographs to reveal the truth and found out that he just uses external supplement to easily chew, munch and masticate his own words so that world can identify him as talking authoritatively and seriously.

Findings also revealed that Mahesh Bhatt chewing pan masala helped him maintain his tooth colorful, strong and healthy also. Many experts also say that chewing tooth shows height of intellectualism.

When India Satire correspondent called Mahesh Bhatt, he denied everything and told that munching his own teeth 
is out of natural habit. But he warned his fans of doing this exercise often requires high expertise and it is not for everybody.

Various expressions of Mahesh Bhatt,
munching his mouth sharply and expressing his own personal views
Colgate, a renowned toothpaste manufacturer had contacted India Satire for transferring the rights the patent to the company so that it would bring Pan Supari Toothpaste to improve health of tooth of Indians.

Colgate's chairman Mukul Deoras said "Colgate is already recommended by 95% dentists in India. Pan Supari Toothpaste will surely bring that to 99%. We shall also unveil a market of huge population which eats pan masala and pan supari."


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REACTIONS: 30% of global web traffic is porn

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 11 April 2012 | Posted in



REACTIONS

Different reactions on the news that 30% of global web traffic is porn

Around 30% of all internet traffic is pornography, and the biggest porn site gets over four billion page views and 350 million unique visits per month, a study has found. The ExtremeTech website said the only other websites that surpass this figure in size are Google and Facebook, the Daily Mail reported.

India Satire correspondent Fekky Singh tried to get reactions of many prominent personalities.



Reactions of Prominent personalities on the above topic



























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SURVEY: 5% Indians think Chacha Digvijay Singh's statement makes any sense

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 10 April 2012 | Posted in



SURVEY
Madamji, Rahul Baba and few Congressmen were not considered in these 5%

A survey carried out by a private agency, India Intellectuals Research Foundation (IIRF) suggests that 5% Indians think that Chacha Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha). The survey of 1252 people from different states, different income backgrounds and different political parties revealed these shocking results. The survey shocked everybody as general perception was that Diggy Chacha was most intelligent creature in the universe.


"We conducted a totally non-biased and nonpolitical survey and therefore it has a weightage," said Deepak Sharma, one of the surveyors of a team of 11 surveyors.

These shocking results stir the political temperature across the states and political parties, particularly Congress and BJP.

Diggy Chacha thrashed the authenticity of the survey "WTF! The survey is totally nonsense. I don't agree with the numbers. It is as idiotic as exit polls in the Uttar Pradesh. I can prove any time that at least 10% of Indians feel that my statements make sense. And I would like to know how the agency arrives at the number."



The survey was conducted by IIRF after looking at the reactions of people on Diggy Chacha's statement that Shivraj Singh Chouhan a 'coward'. Chacha opened his mouth after a long time, digesting the serious loss his party faced in Uttar Pradesh elections.

Tram leader of Survey, Shantikant Dubey said "We thought it was right time to ask people whether they really give importance to whatever Diggy says. We, however, not consider views of Congress party's senior leaders which include Soniaji, Rahulji, Manmohanji."

Diggy Chacha was in denial mode, he said "I would like to ask them few questions. How many Congressmen included in the survey? How secular is the survey? Did they consider higher weightage to Dalits and Muslims or did they take everyone's vote as equal? I am sure that the surveyor follows RSS and hasn't really considered reservation while conducting the survey otherwise it would have given at least number 80% instead of 5%."

Congress party gave mix reactions to the numbers.

Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari said "Congress party respects personal opinions of its voters and aam admis. Whatever they have thought we can't contest but the survey could have more transparent. 5% looks very small."

Congress Party's minister Sriprakash Jaiswal said "The survey is hopeless and it didn't consider Soniaji and Rahulji's vote. Surveyor could have given both of them due respect and higher weightage."

Salman Khurshid, senior party leader asked whether surveyor really gave adequate muslim reservation before conducting it.


Kapil Sibal said "Yea, I am sure surveyor used opinions of those fuc*ingly id*otic netizens who doesn't have respect and humble language to convey their messages. Forget about Diggy, I am sure despite my unpopularity, India's 10% intellectuals will definitely vote for me that my statements make sense." 


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Facebook added additional authorization with acquisition of Instagram

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


BRIEF NEWS

User will have to show photo of peeing

Facebook announced that its intention to acquire Instagram was not to increase convenience in sharing photos and images from user's smart phone but to add as an additional authorization tool  along with Captcha.

Mark Zuckerberg in an immediate statement after rumour created by India Satire of cancelling deal said "Users need more security mode. Facebook will be first to add such a secured authorization to users so that his privacy will remain intact."

He said "Instagram is a convenient tool which easily allows user to take, filter and share his photo on Facebook, Twitter and bloody Google +. After Facebook's acquisition of Instagram user can easily click his/her photo peeing, filter it to match the best practices of the industry/Facebook so that an additional authorisation with Captcha will be created which will help him to access many important applications."




Mark said "Captcha sucks! Many times it is so much irritating that it gets difficult to understand whether it is a number word or any other fucking Greek/Latin/English symbol. Instagram will be a more secure, personal mode and maintaining privacy protocols of the users. We decided to use photographs snapped through your iPhone or any Android phone while peeing. These photographs then filtered as per requirements of Facebook best practices wing so that no computer spy will be able to enter in the wall."

Facebook has recently faced great humiliation and funny remarks of Satirists over its acquisition of Instagram. Few Instagram users threatened to delete their Instagram profiles as they don't want to migrate to 'ridiculous' Facebook.


Inspired from Sean Percival's tweet


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BREAKING NEWS: Facebook cancels acquisition of Instagram

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


BREAKING NEWS - BRIEF NEWS

Irritated by views of satirists, top management of Facebook felt no value in the company

Irritated by views of satirists, Facebook top management rolled back its decision of buying photo-sharing company Instagram, as it felt there is no or little value in the company than it was paying for.

Development came after, Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook read irritating and humiliating remarks on the net over his acquisition deal by many satirists. Few India's local news satires also mentioned that Facebook will purchase Railway's IRCTC now or Shaadi.com. Some satires told that after taking the money from Facebook, 6 partners who started Instagram will start new photo sharing applications.

Mark Zuckerberg who treat himself as one of the most brilliant netizens started sucking his own brain, as why did he announced such acquisition. He immediately called his top management and told them to stop here and cancel the acquisition. As usual, the management nodded their heads in affirmative terms and gave a press release.




By the time, Kapil Sibal (India's brave and unique Telecom Minister) sent a notice to Facebook asking the popular social networking site to pre-screen all the photos before allowing them to submit on their own website. There should not be any photo with mask of Sibal, Rahul Baba, Madamji or Manmohanji.

Reactions of netizens on announcement of Facebook's acquisition of Instagram

Bhaskar Pandey: "Funny! He he he"

Robert Alwa: "Feel like fart! Suckingly funny…"

Albert Rhodes: "Mark could have bought camera from me… stu*id"


R Ramalingam: "Funny"


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